Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Quarter Life Whatever

I've heard a lot about the famed "quarter life crisis" but never thought it would hit me right in the fucking face. I swear, I've been totally cool about where I am in life for the last however many years of my adult life. But then all of a sudden MOTHERFUCKING BOOM. You ready to start feeling shitty about your life? I left an anxiety attack on your front porch, you're welcome!

Feeling this way blows so hard. I feel like I'll be paying for the mistakes I made when I was between 18 and 22 for the rest of my life. Credit card debt, not finishing college, choosing the wrong jobs, ignoring adult things. At the time, I still felt like a kid, so I just did whatever the hell I wanted. Putting fun trips / clothes / Mcdonalds on my credit cards. Failing classes, ignoring credit callers, HAVIN' FUN Y'ALL. Dumb.

When I was a kid, I was always told that I could be whatever I wanted to be. That I could choose my Dream Job and be happy every day of my life. And I believed that shit. But there's a lot more to it than just, "What's your passion? What do you like to do? Then do that!" Because I'm pretty sure watching crappy television shows isn't a job option for me.

What if my Dream Job is only an option in New York City or Boston or Chicago? I'm all the way down here in Louisiana, and I don't know if I could leave my family and Andy's family behind for a chance of a shot at a job. Not to mention, Andy has a job here that pays our bills.

Being in this place super sucks because no one can say anything to make it better. No one can fix it, no one can correct the mistakes I made, no one can tell me what I'm supposed to do. But that's all I want. I just want someone who can tell me the right choices. I want someone who can predict the future for me or tell me what I'm good at, because right now, I'm feeling like I'm good at absolutely nothing.

I NEED AN ADULT TO MAKE THESE HARD DECISIONS FOR ME. Where can I find an adult? Because I know damn well it's not me.

It's especially hard on Andy, because I know he would do anything to make it better, but there's nothing he can do. I'm sure it's difficult for him to get that my anxiety and general lowness about life has nothing to do with our relationship.T hat's the one solid thing I have right now. I may be confused and scared and unsure about everything else, but Andy is the one thing I have that is concrete for me.

Which makes this anxiety even worse, because I want to be better for me AND for him. I don't want him to have to worry and stress with me, because he's like most men and just wants to solve, solve, solve. And unfortunately, there isn't a solution that someone else can choose for me. There's just me. And if things go wrong, if I've made the wrong choice - I only have myself to blame.

I have all of these questions: What do I want to do with my life? Have I affected anyone in a positive way? Am I good person? Why does it feel like everyone else has their shit together, while I'm floating off in space, doing nothing?

I see passion all around me. Passion for art or music or religion or science. And I feel like I have none of that. How do you find your passion? How do you know what you love? What if you try everything, and you realize that you have no passion?

The burden of this crisis lies 100% with me. I cannot blame anyone else for the path I've taken. I cannot change what I've done in the past. I can only look forward and trust myself. But the problem is, I don't trust myself at all.