Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Bachelorette Party - Or the Time I Puked for a Million Years and Saw a Penis Instead of Boobs (Gross)

This Friday, my best friend and I will be attempting our very first road trip, just the two of us. We've gone on plenty of road trips before but never just the two of us. I already have a ridiculously vagina-themed music selection ready (Ke$ha, Miley, Katy, Britney, Jenna Marbles). We'll be meeting up with Nugs, and this will be only the second time I have ever met a blogger in real life.

The last time we went to New Orleans (and the first time I ever met another blogger) was for my bachelorette party at the end of September. When I got in my sister's car to leave, she had two Dr. Peppers, a bag of combos, and a pack of cigarettes on my side of the car. We were fucking READY. We even taught Katelynn the dance we made up when we were younger to Sometimes I Run by Britney Spears.

On our first night in New Orleans, we were walking down Bourbon Street when a group of guys in town for a bachelor party saw me with my penis necklace and just started yelling, "BACHELORETTE PARTY YEAH!" so obviously we started yelling "BACHELOR PARTY YEAH!" back to them, and ta-da! A friendship was born.

We bounced from club to club, with me getting drunker and drunker and drunker and..... GUYS, OMG, I AM SO DRUNK LOL FOREVER LET'S SIT DOWN RIGHT HERE ON BOURBON STREET.

DRIZ-UNK
This is also the night I got to meet Mel aka Satan. It was very exciting, and I was nervousing a little about meeting someone random, but we all know what helps anxiety, right? MORE ALCOHOL!

I wish I could tell you guys more of what meeting a blogger was like, but my memory is a little fuzzy due to my being obliterated at that point in the night.

When we made it back to the hotel, I passed the fuck out.

The next morning, I woke up, took a shower, and gave myself a pat on the back for being an awesome drunky with no hangover.

And then I puked.

And puked again.

And puked some more.

For about five. goddamned. hours.

I pretty much just threw myself over the toilet and barfed like I was a supermodel. I cried into the toilet, told the toilet that I would never drink ever again, begged the toilet to make me stop feeling like a sorority girl after her first keg party, and even offered sexual relations in exchange for peace. To a toilet. Because that's how fucking awful I felt.

The rest of the girls went out to look at all the beautiful sights in New Orleans while I cried like a little bitch over how shitty I felt. They brought me back McDonalds, and after eating three fries, I felt much better.

THREE FRIES.

WHAT THE FUCK. If I had fucking known it would only take a couple of fucking fries to make me feel better, I could have saved FIVE FUCKING HOURS of puking. #whitegirlproblems

After Pukefest '11, we went out on the town again, but this time, the thought of alcohol made me want to stab myself in the face. I had one or two drinks, but kept it classy and stayed sober.

Plus my BF bought me that pretty mask!
Halfway through the night, we decided to meet up with the bachelor party guys again because we realized that they had a balcony on Bourbon Street. Katelynn and I worked really, really hard to get girls to show us their boobs. Every time a hot girl walked by, we would yell, "HEY YOU! WITH THE BOOBS! SHOW THEM TO US!" Unfortunately, most girls just wanted beads for showing us cleavage. WTF. Bitches, that is not how this works. We did, however, have someone show us his schlong. It was... gross. And floppy.

When we couldn't get enough hot girls to show us their boobs, Katelynn went downstairs on a mission to recruit girls with questionable morals. Every time she got another one, we would all rejoice like our favorite team scored a game-winning touchdown. Highly entertaining.

This place was ridiculous. Fucking gorgeous.
My sisters even drank some, too (which they don't do that often, at least not in front of me). After throwing beads to slutty girls, we went to another club, where there were ho ho ho's everywhere, y'all. This is one of my favorite pictures from the whole trip, because you can just feel the judgment seeping out of our eyes.

FEEL OUR JUDGMENT
I didn't end up puking the second night, but I did end up with a shitload of beads. It was one of the most fun weekends I've ever had, even if it was a projectile vomit-y kind of weekend. I love my sisters SOSOMUCH for planning it for me. <3 We really are the hottest sisters around.


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Like I said, I'll be in New Orleans this weekend, so if anyone else will be in town, you should probably let me know so we can be drunken fools together. 

If you have any recommendations for super fun shit to do there, I would love you forever if you told me in the comments.

Even though I've been neglecting Sara Swears a Lot entirely too much, I was nominated for some awards on 20sb! They have Bootleg awards every year, and winners are chosen by members of 20sb themselves. Last year, I got Blogger I'd Most Like to Have a Drink With, which made me SO, SO HAPPY. That's probably the most awesome category there is, because I would have a drink with every single person on the Internet if I could, because I love you all so much. (Except for the people who use literally incorrectly. I will not have a drink with you, assholes.)

In other exciting news, Childhood Trauma won best group blog uncontested! I know I talk about it non-stop, but CT really is one of my favorite things in the whole world. I adore the girls I write reviews with, and the Wakefield twins are like my best friends, even though I hate those bitches. So thank you so much to everyone who voted for us! :)

Now when the fuck can we all get together and make the universe explode?