Wednesday, December 14, 2011

My Christmas Tree Didn't Almost Make Me Get a Divorce This Time!

My blog has been awfully lonely lately, because apparently all of my thoughts for the last month have been in 140 characters or less which doesn't really make the best blog post and also makes me feel like a pretty unintelligent person. But I have ALL. THIS. ENERGY. on account of lots of Starbucks and also because I'm snorting lines of Christmas like a baller, son. (I had to message Lorraine to make sure that's how baller was spelled. She said that's how she spells it, and if two people on the Internet say something is true, it automatically becomes true. Baller it is.)

Speaking of baller, I finally got my Christmas tree put up. And it wasn't anywhere near as tragic as last year's Christmas tree dramz.

The spray bottle is for giving the cat a big FUCK NO when she tries to climb the tree.

Andy was being all Christmascroogey for a minute there, but once we got the Christmas tree, he stopped complaining about all the "damn Christmas music" and "freakin' Christmas decorations" everywhere. We decided to go to Toys R Us and get two presents for Toys for Tots: one for a girl and one for a boy. Andy declared that his present would be better because boy toys are cooler, and I was all UM. LOL, NO, because girls have dress up things and dolls and pretend makeup and motherfuckin' Barbie, who runs the entire country. (No shit, you guys. She's a police officer, a teacher, a doctor, a streetwalker. Bitch is busy.)

But then we went in the toy store. I will admit defeat when I have to, y'all. BOY TOYS ARE SO FUCKING COOL OMG. They have fucking dinosaurs with robot guns on their backs, remote controlled sharks that will eat your face off, and army men battlefields all over the place. When we walked down the aisle with the full-size G. I. Joes, Andy kept saying, "Oh my God! My Army men would love this!" and "Sara, you have got to come over here immediately to see this Lego set" and "WE NEED TO HAVE A KID."

All the parents shopping for their kids looked frazzled, miserable, and exhausted. We, however, were having the time of our lives, playing with all of the toys and SQUEEEE'ing over things we didn't have when we were kids. I had to tell Andy to stop talking shit about the slutty off-brand Barbies, and he had to tell me that army men don't need to have a whole life story before they die in battle and when they finally do die, please stop making it so overdramatic.

We both eventually picked our toys out and met up in the middle aisle.

When I said that Joe was pretty sexy, Andy told me to stop hitting on his army man.

Turns out, we'd picked out the perfect couple! We decided that G. I. Joe is actually the prince in disguise. See, he wants to fight for his country, but if anyone knew who he was, they'd blast his face off in a heartbeat. So he stays undercover, all the while dreaming of the day when he can finally come home and be with Blair Barbie forever. I mean, look at her. She's hawt. Also, she comes with a slutty schoolgirl outfit.

Now could one of my friends / siblings / acquaintances please hurry up and have a freaking baby so me and Andy can play with all of these toys for real?!

G. I. Andy & Sara Barbie

Oh! Also! I made a Best Of page, mainly because I wanted to make sure my Snuggie GIF never dies. Ch-ch-check it out! 


  1. You are too cute! I'm fortunate enough that my cats don't try to climb the tree... they just insisit on sleeping under it.

    "Andy told me to stop hitting on his army man" I pulled an LOL over this.

  2. I ALWAYS go nuts in that store!! It makes the shit we grew up with in the 90's look so prehistoric and boring.

  3. Hahah toys are SO much more fun now than when we were kids. They don't appreciate it, I swear.

  4. Because nothing puts you in the Christmas spirit like toys! (And eggnog. Lots of eggnog.)

  5. Pretty tree, my Jewish self is highly jealous, so I hate you. Kidding of course.

    Boy toys are awesome ! Well boy toys are awesome but boy's toys are awesome as well. When I was little I had doll houses and barbies galore but I also collected hot wheels and played with lego and other thangs.

    It's a good time.

  6. If I have imaginary babies, would you buy me legos?

  7. Getting to go to the toy store to buy toys for kids is such a fun thing to do, brings back so many memories of being small and in awe of everything at the Toys R Us. Toys these days are pretty cool, but remember that game Simon? Where you had to press the buttons? That was so silly, but still really awesome.

  8. I'm jealous of Children right now.

    I want to be a child again.

    I don't want to go back in time because we didn't have shit!

    I want to be a child right here, right now. I want a fucking mini corvette i can ride around down the street eating my candy cigarettes (Since obviously i would be too young to smoke real ones) while blasting music from my Ipad (yes I've seen young children who own Ipads) and being a baller.

    We were ripped off as children.

  9. G'damn Shelly, way to take my line. <3

  10. Everything about this post makes me sparkle.


  11. Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh. Barbie is a busy bitch. I never though of her that way. Hmm.

  12. ..great post..laced with humor.. :)