Friday, October 21, 2011

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

An hour away from home, the lights on the car went out. It was 4:00 in the morning, and nobody was on the road. The car just died right there on the interstate like a little bitch. Andy tried to figure out what was wrong with it, but considering we were at least a few miles from a gas station, there wasn't much we could do.

Like I said before, we were on 4 hours of sleep in 36 hours. It was 4:00 AM, and we had been in travel mode since 11:00 AM the day before. We were in pretty awful moods. I wanted to be home to see my puppies and kitty. We had just been hating life two hours before. And that's when I burst into tears.

While Andy looked in the engine to see if he could figure anything out, I sat in the car and bawled my fucking eyes out. Like, serious babyface sobs, y'all. "This is the worst honeymoon everrrrrrr wahhhhhhhh" was basically all Andy could hear (which might explain why he stayed out of the car for a while). I just wanted to go home and go to sleep.

I called my amazing parents, and they got to experience the joy of being woken up at 4:00 AM to their daughter sobbing into the phone. "Your dad is on his way," my mom said before trying to make me feel better, which totally wasn't working.

My sister called a few minutes later and also tried to make me feel better. "I saw your pictures on Facebook, and it looked like you had fun!" "It was awful! I hate everything! And life! And baby Jesus! And also I'm bleeding from the vagina and I can't even change my tampon and I hate everything, including fluffy baby animals and ice cream and happiness! Wahhhhhhhhh!"

My amazing dad finally made it out to pick us up, and he found a grumpy faced daughter and a son-in-law who was trying his best to be in good spirits. We jumped our car and drove it less than a mile when it died again. Oh, totally awesome, so it's not the battery which would have been a nice, easy fix. OF FUCKING COURSE. We charged it again, just long enough to get it to a ghetto gas station, so we could leave it there and come back for it the next day. Then we headed home, and my poor dad had to go to work all day after waking up before the crack of dawn to save us. Have I mentioned my dad is amazing?

We got all of our belongings out of my dad's truck, thanked him a million times, and went inside the house to take a three hour nap. We woke up, groggy as hell, but happy to be home. I shotgunned one coffee and inserted another directly into my veins so we could take care of all the shit we had to take care of that day. It was Friday, and we both had to be back at work on Monday, so all of the legal crap had to be done immediately.

Right after depositing a paycheck into our sad, sad excuse for a bank account, we headed to the courthouse to get a copy of our recorded marriage license.

And that's where our second shitstorm began.

"It turns out that the second copy of the marriage license wasn't signed by all the right people, so we had to mail it back to you and can't give you a recorded copy until it's signed."

"So, technically, we aren't married yet?"

"Technically, you aren't married yet."


Turns out, our chaplain didn't look at the documents before throwing them in an envelope and mailing them in to the courthouse. So, you know, the one thing she was supposed to do didn't get done. -_-

I walked out of the courthouse and started angry crying almost immediately. "Just ONE THING. Can just one fucking thing go right for us? Is God just pissed because we got married in a Unitarian church by a lesbian woman? I'M SORRY, GOD, SHE SEEMED LIKE A VERY NICE CHRISTIAN WOMAN, MY BAD, DUDE."

I started calling everyone I could, and whadyaknow, not one damn person was answering their phones. My anger was so strong, that I'm pretty sure when they looked down at their phones as I was calling, a picture of Satan showed up, laughing maniacally, until the phone just burst into flames and collected into a tiny pile of demon ash in their hands.

According to the very sweet women at the courthouse, we had to go back home to get the unsigned copy they mailed to our house, go thirty minutes away to my best friend's work to get it signed, and drive back to the courthouse again to get it recorded, because, you know, Baby Jesus hates us and all.

But, somehow, we managed to get it all done. We got our marriage license, changed my driver's license, merged our bank accounts, and even had time for a Starbucks drink before going home and crashing the fuck out. We even apologized to Jesus for yelling at him. I'm pretty sure we did a fist pound explosion, and we were all good.

The next day, we picked up my car, took it to the repair shop, and were told that it just needed a new battery. As annoying as that is (because we didn't actually have to get it towed), we were happy because a new battery costs a fuck of a lot less than a new alternator (whatever the hell that is). It seemed like things were finally going right for us!


Be real. Haven't you learned anything from this story??

Our car was fixed and driving and happy as can be. We had apologized to God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, just to cover our bases. Monday morning, Andy headed to work and..... you guessed it! The motherfucking fucker of a car broke down, OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY AND JESUS, YOU FUCKING OWE ME ONE, DUDE.

I retract all of my apologies.

Andy said, "I want to fucking sell this piece of shit fucking car!" and that's all it took for me to SKKKRRRTTTTT into a parking space at the Dodge dealership within minutes. Done, son.

Two days later, I was signing a bunch of terrifying looking papers as Mrs. Sara Bee, and what the fuck, I just bought a car??

Her name is Pearl, and she's lovely.
Did I mention she has a motherfucking refrigerator in the glovebox for all of your frosty beverages?

Since all of this bullshit has been taken care of, things have been going wonderfully. Besides being exhausted and behind on all of my bills, of course.

I like to think of the week after our wedding as the first big test in our marriage. If this had happened last year or possibly even 6 months ago, it's very likely that Andy and I would have blamed each other, gotten into a fight, and not spoken for a few days. But through everything - the car breaking down, the obnoxious people on airplanes, the lack of sleep - we didn't fight at all. We yelled at the entire fucking world together, and then we figured out how to solve our problems together. We laughed about the things that couldn't be fixed, because seriously - What else can you do but laugh when you're getting molested fifteen times at an airport?

Some girls want a guy who is a certain height. Some girls want a guy with a certain color hair, or a certain taste in music. But the only thing I've ever wanted was a guy who could make me laugh. Because when you're going through hell and you're turning into Satan and destroying people's phones, when you're scared of the look on your face that you can't see and seriously contemplating throwing yourself out of an airplane window thousands of millions in the air, a 7 foot tall guy isn't going to make you feel any better. But a guy who can point out a man in the airport who looks disturbingly like a vampire and follows people around and literally glitters in the sun? The kind of guy who can make me go immediately from crying to laughing and trying to take a picture of said glittery vampire on the down low? That's the kind of guy I want by my side for the rest of my life.

Plus he's pretty awesome in bed.

Ahem. Glittery vampire. Twilight was totally for reals, y'all.


  1. Oh Sara. That sucks donkey balls (unless you're into that sort of thing).

    Congratulations again on your wedding.

  2. Congratulations on your marriage. The rest really sucks, but the last paragraph you wrote tells me that you guys are in this for the long haul, and you have what it takes to make it. Best wishes for a long and happy life together (with occasional fits of craziness thrown in!)

  3. Sounds like you got a good one! Congrats!

  4. It started out hellish but ended with a pretty new shiny car! And nothing can be bad when it ends with a nice car called Pearl that will keep your drinks refreshingly cool in the summer!

  5. I'm sorry, hun. It was a real kick in the face getting married. I must have went down to the court house 5 or 6 times with different papers, various stamps, signatures and ids. In fact, the fact that I had Seba's id kept him out of a strip club for his bachelor party.
    We didn't really have a honeymoon because we were too poor and consumed with the moving process. All of that was super hard, but reminded us how strong we were as a couple.
    We had to put our honeymoon off for a year, money wise so I know how disappointed you must have been. But as I'm sure folks have already told you, it wasn't your first trip together and it won't be your last.
    You're really lucky that you have such a close knit family who will come pick you up at 4 am---and you even get along with and totally hangout with Andy's sister. It didn't go how you imagined it, so maybe the lesson here is, don't imagine. Just let it happen.
    Gross, I'm totally done spoon-feeding you chicken soup for the blogger's soul. Many happy times ahead, just stay grateful!

  6. Sand in an oyster makes a pearl! Congrats again on the hubs... and the car. Someone who can make you laugh in spite of the satan rage is most definitely a keeper.

  7. I actually pictured an angry baby Jesus scowling down at you. And in my vision baby Jesus still rocks a sweet beard.
    What do you do with a refrigerator in the glove box? Other than encourage unlawful but fun road drinking? (Not that I've ever done that)
    Glad you got a good man to keep you smiling.

  8. You made me laugh, sympathize, and smile. Sorry you had to deal with all that, but now you have a funny story too tell for the rest of your long, happy marriage.

  9. Haha... I'm sorry you had such a tough go of it post-honeymoon, but it was so great to hear that you stuck together. Thanks for sharing!

  10. Oh look at you trying to sneak in that incredibly romantic bit in at the end. I see what you did there. ;)

    Can't wait to meet Pearl! NOLA 2012!


  11. I would have started crying too. That is so stressful!

    I am glad you got to meet Edward Cullen though. My he is bright.

  12. That really sucks, but I'm glad it all worked out for you in the end.
    My mom always tells me the story of how my dad got his bike stuck riding it across the shortest river in the the world on their honeymoon. Right in front of some muscular volleyball player guys who laughed at him. I've seen this "river" and it hardly qualifies as even a stream. It's about 5 inches across and 2 inches deep at the most.

  13. I'm so out of the loop!! Congratulations!!!! So happy for you and Andy and your newly formed union. You are already successful based on your real-life discovery of a sparkly vampire! Love to you both and your new baby, Pearl.

  14. At least it sounds like you guys got most of your bad marriage juju out of the way. It's going to be nothing but roses and blowjobs from here on out, baby!

  15. Congratulations on your new car and your new husband!!! You are so right about men! My husband said the most important thing to him is to always think about my needs and not his because he know that he doesn't have to make himself happy because I do that for him! We both live to make the other happy and that way, we don't need to be selfish cuz our needs are met. And laughing at all the fuckery is the best course of action!

  16. This is part of why I will never marry someone without going on some sort of backpacking type trip first. If we can survive several weeks of nothing going according to plan and not being able to talk to anyone but each other, I suspect we'll have a solid idea of how well we could survive being married to each other.

    I'm glad that, if nothing else, all the shit was able to remind you that the stuff that really counts has worked out - good family, awesome husband...because that's the part that gets you through the other shit.