When Andy's dad came into town for the wedding, he brought a ridiculous number of presents. He left before we woke up from our wedding night coma and left two packages on our front porch, one labeled "Andy's statue" and the other labeled "Emily's statue".
We ran in the house to grab our suitcases for the honeymoon (from hell) and only had a moment to open the package and see what exactly Andy's statue was. After opening it, we found an old Asian man statue.
"Is this something your dad gave you when you were a kid?" I asked, obviously confused. "I've never seen that statue before in my life," Andy said, equally confused. What the fuck?
We left Emily's package on the couch and reminded ourselves to ask her later what the hell those statues were all about. When we returned home from our honeymoon and had caught up on enough sleep to keep us from being psycho devil people any longer, I remembered to ask Emily if she had opened her package.
"Uh, yeah, what the fuck are those statues and why did my dad give them to us?"
The only ideas we could come up with were either a) their memory really sucks or, the more likely b) their dad was cleaning out his house and wanted to get rid of a bunch of old shit without going to the dumpster. Touche, old man.
Since we didn't have a clue what to do with these Asian people statues, Andy and I decided to make a little game of it. When the SSSS was over at our house last Sunday, we set our plan into action. Emily made a very loud announcement that she would be going in the bathroom to poop, and that was our cue. The moment the bathroom door closed, Andy made a run for her keys to unlock her car. I grabbed the statues and darted out to her backseat. The dome light on the inside didn't come on, and I couldn't figure out how to get the back door unlocked in the dark. I started motioning wildly for someone to come help me, and the next thing I knew, there were four of us frantically trying to get the door open and buckle the two statues in the back seat of her car. (Safety first, y'all!)
When we finally got them safely bucked in, we slammed the door and ran to sit on the porch like OH HAI, NOTHING HAPPENING HERE INVOLVING TWO ASIAN PEOPLE IN THE BACK OF YOUR CAR, WHAT?
Emily was the first to leave for the night. She got in her car and drove off, without ever checking her back seat, which doesn't make sense to me at all, because I ALWAYS check my back seat at night before driving off, so I don't end up being the main character of a serial killer story, thank you very much.
Thirty minutes later, I got a text.
And now, my friends, these two pointless Asian statues will provide endless entertainment in the form of The Game.
The statues must always stay together. If you get caught trying to move the statues, you lose. If you pawn the statues on someone else successfully, you win. Anything goes.
Aaaaand Emily has a key to my house, so I'm a little terrified of how this game could end up going.
Fucking, game ON, bitches.
In case y'all hadn't heard, Halloween is right around the corner! And you know Childhood Trauma couldn't go through the scariest holiday of the year without doing something special, right? For the next week, we'll be covering all of the Night of the Living Dummy books from Goosebumps. (You know, the ones with Slappy the ventriloquist's doll?)
Not only are we having a special Slappy week (insert masturbation joke here), we're also having a giveaway! Our very first giveaway! And this is legit shit, y'all. As our Childhood Trauma Facebook page says, "If you like the 90's, wearing clothes and eating cookies, this giveaway is for you! If you don't like these things, I don't think we can be friends." Word.
Check out the first Night of the Living Dummy post and giveaway info hiz-ere.