Friday, September 30, 2011

Holy Shit, I Am Going to Be So Drunk.

In T-minus seven hours, I will be on my way to bachelorette party goodness in New Orleans. Surprisingly, I've never been, even though I'm only six hours away. Now I just have to finish this bullshit workday and try not to squeal every three seconds at how exciting this month is going to be:

1. Bachelorette Party in New Orleans (and we're totally going to ride those big fan boat things!)
3. Honeymoon in Las Vegas
4. Katt Freaking Williams is coming to town, and I will be there, even if I have to prostitute myself out to get a ticket.
5. Halloween! The best holiday ever!

October is where it's at, yo. I'm thinking November is going to be like the cracked out whore missing a few teeth compared to the high class escort value of October. I'll be calling October while I'm still in bed with November, begging it to come..... back. (heh)

I've been waking up nervous/excited every day for the past week with butterflies throwing a goddamn house party in my stomach. I think there's been fist pumping and jungle juice and lots of really awkward threesomes going on in there. On the way outside to my car yesterday, my stomach was so knotted up that I threw up. I had one second of OH FUCK PREGNANT? and then Whew, nope, just kidding, uterus, we're good! and then me and my uterus high fived about being baby free and went on with our days. I would draw you a picture of me and my uterus high fiving, but that's a lot of effort.

At the moment, I have about twenty thousand mosquito bites on me because I took my bridal pictures in a mosquito nest. Or I might as well have. They pretty much had a fucking buffet on my arms and back the whole time I was taking pictures, and if it were the Sizzler, several of those motherfuckers would have been kicked out for eating all the goddamn food.

We also went in to a Halloween store and took pictures with Halloween costumes over my wedding dress, because it's impossible for me to take anything seriously. When people asked if I was getting married, the most fun response was, "Nope, just another night out on the town!" Some kids stared at me like I was a freak, and I wanted to punch them in their mouths because YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE FUCKING GUMBI, YOU LITTLE SHIT, STOP JUDGING.

Speaking of costumes, the day of my wedding is World Zombie Day. Yep, you heard that right. We picked the most romantic day of the year to get married, because it's fate. On World Zombie Day, in downtown Shreveport, there's a Zombie walk/food drive, in which tons of people bring canned food to donate and dress up like zombies. Then they all walk down the street all creepy like, and it's basically the most awesome thing to ever happen. They even have a female roller derby team in charge of skating around the zombies and making sure they don't eat any random passerby.

The most exciting part about all of this? Andy and I are going to take pictures in our wedding attire with the zombies. WEDDING DRESS. TUX. ZOMBIES. OH FUCKING MY.

I was also offered a chance to review an electronic cigarette. I normally just delete all emails that ask me to review something, because I don't really see the point in reviewing bath soaps that no one gives a shit about, but I am awfully curious about these e-cigarettes. Plus me, Andy, my sister, and my best friend all decided that we want to quit smoking after the wedding, and why not try to use these and see if they help any? Plus I can totally smoke them in a restaurant and see how many people yell at me before they realize it's not real. Yay awkward moments for others!

They said I could do a giveaway for one, too, and I figured, uh, sure, why the fuck not, on account of it being free and my mom telling me never to turn down free things, especially if it's free candy from a stranger in an unmarked white van. So I really hope that some of you are interested in trying this stuff, otherwise I'm going to have to give it to a homeless person, and that kind of takes all the fun out of begging for smokes, don't you think?

So if you're going to be in New Orleans this weekend and want to see me make a fool out of myself because of the drunkness or you're curious about these electronic cigarettes, or you want to discuss how OHMYGOD sexy Jon Hamm from Mad Men is, email me at and we'll be besties.

In conclusion, I suck at ending paragraphs.


  1. Have an amazeballs bachelorette party and zombie day and wedding day and holy F we are married night with Andy! My friend is getting married the day after you and I'm a bridesmaid. I think I'm going to pretend like I'm at your wedding as yours would probably be a lot more fun. I mean, you are taking pictures with fucking zombies for fucks sake. I'll just be dancing, drinking, and screaming, "Nipples!!" and everyone will think I'm being random and awesome and they will be right about the awesome part, but I won't be being random; I'll be channeling you and your wedding.

    In conclusion, I'm good at writing run-on sentences. :)

  2. October is my least favorite month, though August is boring as shit, so it makes a good case for trying to ursurp October's position. If I were you, though, I'd totally be going down on October because it's really nice to you, and treats you real special, gives you candy and stuff.

    I'm so sad I'm missing out on your wedding festivities. And your honeymoon. Because of the Vegas part not the, uh, you know.

    Your wedding pictures are going to be the best thing ever. Please say, "this calls for divine intervention" at least once while in the crowd of zombies.

    We've discussed Jon Hamm, you and I. Yep. Everyday. And twice on Sunday.

  3. Oh, wish I was going to be in town. NOLA rules and you're gunna have a bastzor of a time. We'll all be hungry for details! Best advice would be to just surrender--you don't want the time to be spoiled because it couldn't go as you imagined it. Bridezilla always loses. !!

  4. Have a fantastic weekend. Hope you remember some of it!

  5. You and your uterus doing a high five makes me think of you as a crime fighting duo at the end of an 80's cartoon...the weirdest crime fighting duo ever.
    Can you put weed in the e-cig? Hey, don't judge me, I have glaucoma and arthritis and anxiety and a rap career.
    Sounds like everything is coming up Sara.

  6. Sounds like you guys are going to have a blast! I've always wanted to go to New Orleans. Have a few drinks for me! :-D

  7. Ok, several things. 1) Envious of your NO trip. I've never been either. 2) Katt Williams. Jealous is an understatement. I fucking love that man. And 3) You're "just kidding uterus" comment had me doing some real-life LOL at work.

    Have an amazing time at your party! And zombie pictures - I do hope you'll post these!

  8. A high-fiving uterus?

    THAT'S talent.

  9. Cheers and congratulations to your uterus? By the way I recently quit using the electronic cigarette.... it works.

  10. There were so many awesome things in that post that my brain is still exploded on the wall.

  11. Have so much fun! But, I don't need to tell you that I know you will. I love October, mostly because I will finally turn 21 woot woot! I have always wanted to road trip to New Orleans, but I guess I do't leave the Big Apple too often. Well rock on! party on! And congrats!!

  12. You are going to have the best wedding photos.

  13. I'll be there in spirit and will drink in your honor like a good blogger friend!!

    P.S. October totally rules. Sorry November.

  14. i had SO MUCH FUCKING FUN with you last weekend!
    be my BFFFL, already. ^_^
    i do wish i could come to your wedding! why do you have to live so damn far away???!?!

  15. I was in an adult novelty shop called "The Comedy Store" and saw this bachelorette crown made of silver plated plastic. The main piece was a giant, purple butterfly - like the size of your face - and the antenna were made out of two plastic, purple penises on boingy sticks. It had feathers.

    I wanted to get it for you so, so bad.

  16. dude, zombie wedding!! what a fucking great idea. have you seen these zombie engagement pictures? they're one of the best things I've ever seen on the internet, ever. you have to post some of yours.
    as for the e-cigarette, I'm interested to hear your review. I tried one once and was surprised by how realistic it was. for me the deal breaker was that it's too much heavier than a regular cigarette to feel natural, but I'm still intrigued by the concept and think they would be helpful for quitting. you know, when I get around to doing that.

  17. New follower, instant fan. I love your blog, end of story!

  18. Fellow October fan and hilarious blogger. Good luck and congrats. Hope the wedding goes off without a hitch. Or, well, you'll be getting hitched, but I mean 'hitch' as in a 'something going tits up' way. You know. I mean, apart from you going tits up on your wedding night. Say whaaat?!? But I hope it all goes well and good and I look forward to seeing pics of you and zombies and such.

  19. October is a great month. It's a shit month because of all the mid-term stress, but there's always all sorts of other cool shit going on to distract from the stress.

  20. VaporFi is the highest quality electronic cigarettes supplier.