Friday, September 30, 2011

Holy Shit, I Am Going to Be So Drunk.

In T-minus seven hours, I will be on my way to bachelorette party goodness in New Orleans. Surprisingly, I've never been, even though I'm only six hours away. Now I just have to finish this bullshit workday and try not to squeal every three seconds at how exciting this month is going to be:

1. Bachelorette Party in New Orleans (and we're totally going to ride those big fan boat things!)
3. Honeymoon in Las Vegas
4. Katt Freaking Williams is coming to town, and I will be there, even if I have to prostitute myself out to get a ticket.
5. Halloween! The best holiday ever!

October is where it's at, yo. I'm thinking November is going to be like the cracked out whore missing a few teeth compared to the high class escort value of October. I'll be calling October while I'm still in bed with November, begging it to come..... back. (heh)

I've been waking up nervous/excited every day for the past week with butterflies throwing a goddamn house party in my stomach. I think there's been fist pumping and jungle juice and lots of really awkward threesomes going on in there. On the way outside to my car yesterday, my stomach was so knotted up that I threw up. I had one second of OH FUCK PREGNANT? and then Whew, nope, just kidding, uterus, we're good! and then me and my uterus high fived about being baby free and went on with our days. I would draw you a picture of me and my uterus high fiving, but that's a lot of effort.

At the moment, I have about twenty thousand mosquito bites on me because I took my bridal pictures in a mosquito nest. Or I might as well have. They pretty much had a fucking buffet on my arms and back the whole time I was taking pictures, and if it were the Sizzler, several of those motherfuckers would have been kicked out for eating all the goddamn food.

We also went in to a Halloween store and took pictures with Halloween costumes over my wedding dress, because it's impossible for me to take anything seriously. When people asked if I was getting married, the most fun response was, "Nope, just another night out on the town!" Some kids stared at me like I was a freak, and I wanted to punch them in their mouths because YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE FUCKING GUMBI, YOU LITTLE SHIT, STOP JUDGING.

Speaking of costumes, the day of my wedding is World Zombie Day. Yep, you heard that right. We picked the most romantic day of the year to get married, because it's fate. On World Zombie Day, in downtown Shreveport, there's a Zombie walk/food drive, in which tons of people bring canned food to donate and dress up like zombies. Then they all walk down the street all creepy like, and it's basically the most awesome thing to ever happen. They even have a female roller derby team in charge of skating around the zombies and making sure they don't eat any random passerby.

The most exciting part about all of this? Andy and I are going to take pictures in our wedding attire with the zombies. WEDDING DRESS. TUX. ZOMBIES. OH FUCKING MY.

I was also offered a chance to review an electronic cigarette. I normally just delete all emails that ask me to review something, because I don't really see the point in reviewing bath soaps that no one gives a shit about, but I am awfully curious about these e-cigarettes. Plus me, Andy, my sister, and my best friend all decided that we want to quit smoking after the wedding, and why not try to use these and see if they help any? Plus I can totally smoke them in a restaurant and see how many people yell at me before they realize it's not real. Yay awkward moments for others!

They said I could do a giveaway for one, too, and I figured, uh, sure, why the fuck not, on account of it being free and my mom telling me never to turn down free things, especially if it's free candy from a stranger in an unmarked white van. So I really hope that some of you are interested in trying this stuff, otherwise I'm going to have to give it to a homeless person, and that kind of takes all the fun out of begging for smokes, don't you think?

So if you're going to be in New Orleans this weekend and want to see me make a fool out of myself because of the drunkness or you're curious about these electronic cigarettes, or you want to discuss how OHMYGOD sexy Jon Hamm from Mad Men is, email me at and we'll be besties.

In conclusion, I suck at ending paragraphs.