Wednesday, June 29, 2011

This Post Confirms That I Swear. A Lot.

I'm going to Oklahoma this weekend, which means my house is a mess and I have a shit ton of things to do, and I have a karaoke video to record (theme is covers/rip-offs), and I've been working on all sorts of stuff on Childhood Trauma, and ZOMG have y'all read The Hunger Games, because my life was officially turned off for three days in order to finish that series. And also, the person they hired to play the hawt boy is, like, ten years old, and I feel like a creepy old woman for lusting after him. Thanks a fucking lot, production company that I don't feel like googling right now.

In bloggy news, I have been busy contrary to what my sad, pathetic little Sara Swears A Lot looks like. Childhood Trauma, the site in which we roast books from our childhood, has a Facebook page. The Karaoke Ring of Death, the monthly karaoke ring in which we make fools of oursevles singing, also has a Facebook page. There's a new post up at Childhood Trauma about a Sweet Valley High book that made me want to ride Todd's junk, ifyaknowwhatimsayin.

This Friday, I will be leaving lovely Lousyana and heading to Oklahoma, the place of.... flatness. Much like my chest. ZING! OH NO SHE DIDN'T. Andy will be coming along, and Andy's sister, and possibly my best friend. We're going to make sosososo many vlogs while we're gone, because I say so. If you have any ideas for what I should be vlogging about in Oklahoma, let me know!

There was a roach in my house last night. It looked a little something like this:


I'm working off of memory here, so I might be off on the number of claws.
 Andy and I were just trying to lay low, eat some deliciously delicious cheeseburgers, and watch some fucking Family Feud, and then? THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

Velociroach was running like a bandit across the wall in my living room, and I'm pretty sure I spotted him first, as I have a Velociroach Detector in my brain at all times. (It's hereditary.) The moment I saw it, I slapped Andy because I was in a panic and that's what happens when I see roaches. I said something like, "Oh my goodness, there's a roach on that wall over there, and you must kill it immediately!" except that it came out more like, "OHMYSFLJFLWNVIOEJWLHJFANEOAIJWEFDEATHDEATHDEATH."

Luckily Andy understands my Velociroach language and immediately went to kill it.

He took a flip flop and smashed the shit out of the roach. BUT THE ROACH DIDN'T FUCKING DIE.

The Lazarus of roachdome tried to run behind our entertainment center, but Andy is obviously a trained assassin and was not about to let that happen. He went to smack it again, but this time, the roach knew what was coming. He practically grabbed a hold of the shoe right before it hit him, and he threw Andy off to the side. Practically. Or something.

After Andy wiped the sweat off his forehead, he looked at me very seriously and said, "We're going to need a bigger shoe."

While Andy was doing all of his assassin tricks, I was standing in the kitchen screaming, btdubs.

I went to retrieve the biggest shoe I could find. Luckily Andy has pretty large feet.

Bowchicawowow winkywinkywink awww shit son, that's what I'm saying. (Hey Emily! Hey Andy's mom!)

Andy finally got one good throat punch in, and the roach fell behind the entertainment center, STILL ALIVE. If you're keeping track at home, this roach has now survived three fucking attacks. MonsterVelociroach Bastard.

Andy was all, "Hm. Well, it fell behind the TV, so I guess we'll just wait til it comes out."

EXSCURSE ME?

I laughed a very snobby laugh and told him that I would not be sleeping in that house, much less stepping foot in that living room, if I didn't see a fucking body. It's either me or the Velociroach, yo.

Because Andy loves blow jobs me, he made it his mission to find the roach and fight to the death. First he used a flashlight to peer under the entertainment center for what felt like A MILLIONTY YEARS, OMG IT OBVIOUSLY ISN'T WORKING, MOVE THE ENTERTAINMENT CENTER GODDAMNIT.

Next, he tried to bring each of our dogs in the room one at a time, so they could find the roach. Penny Lane walked over to the entertainment center, and he made her sniff the bottom of the flip flop that had almost made a connection with the Church Norris Roach. He was all, "That's what it smells like, Penny! Find it!"

If you're thinking, "The fuck?" don't worry, you aren't the only one.

When all three of our dogs decided to play flashlight tag, he gave up on that idea. "Fuck this roach!" he said, getting angrier and angrier. I kept suggesting he move the entertainment center, and he was all, "The entertainment center can't just be pushed to the side, Sara," except he said 'Sara' all snooty like. I was almost crying by this point, and Andy decided to pull out the big guns.

Velociroach was like a whole new breed of animal. But ant killer is a badass motherfucker.
Andy sprayed the shit out of the bottom of our entertainment center, and that stupid Velociroach came crawling out slowly, surrending to our human awesomeness. I was afraid he was just tricking us, and planned on pulling out an M16 or something right when Andy went to destroy him, but luckily he just died.

I made Andy throw the body outside, because dead roaches can mate with live roaches and have awful little velociroachy babies.

Fuck that roach.

33 comments:

  1. Your velociroach must be related to the Spidersauruses (Spidersauri?) that I've been seeing. Fuckers LOOOOOVE to chill at the top of the shower walls so I can pull back the curtain and scream like a little girl as he just says "The fuck you want, bitch?" right before pulling the curtains shut. HE PULLS THEM SHUT.

    Right after he gives me the finger. What a bastard. Thankfully, I have large feet too (size 14). That, and swords. Which I almost needed.

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  2. WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER SHOE... hahaha, I loved that. VelociroachJaws sounds terrifying. I live din a place that had roaches one summer and it was horrible. Get some Borax, yo. And don't smash them, it spreads their eggs. I didn't know they could mate with dead roaches, though, that's fucking horrible. And that's why roaches will outlive everything else on Earth...

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  3. My husband still mocks me endlessly because I had an encounter with a roach in my downtown apartment a few years ago...I picked up a shoe and the sonofabitch came out of the shoe and ran up my arm.

    Go ahead and take that in for a second.

    RAN.

    UP.

    MY.

    FUCKING.

    ARM.

    I, of course, lost my shit, cried like a little girl and then stayed at his house for three days and made him go over and set out roach motels and spray the place down with roach killer.

    I maintain that the thing was the size of a schoolbus. Perhaps a small plane. My husband says that I exagerate. I say that he needs a punch in the throat. That thing was HUGE (which is also what she said).

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  4. I'm fairly certain that if a dead roach mated with a live roach they would produce zombie roaches which is essentially my own personal hell.

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  5. ummm Hunger Games OWNS my life. Seriously. While I was reading the series, my productivity at work completely derailed because I was just sitting all day thinking about what was going to happen next and what my strategy would be if I were in that arena and could I please make out with Peeta, just once?

    It was bad news. Can't wait for the movies!

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  6. There was so much awesome in this post. I'll have you know I have a roach post I'm working on, and I almost felt embarrassed about posting it because I didn't want people to thing roaches were all up in my house. Thanks, Sara, for showing me that sometimes Roachtopusses just happen to good people.

    "We're going to need a bigger shoe." LOLOL.

    And you know what they say about big feet, fight? Extra large socks. BOMCHICKA.

    I'm so jealous of your vacation.
    I'm still reading HDM.

    I miss you.

    Lorraine

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  7. Dude, we had a velociroach and my husband and to POUND IT WITH A CAN OF SOUP to get it to die.

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  8. Hunger Games = so. frickin. good.

    And while Velociroach running around the living room may have been terrifying for you, his cousin terrified me worse a few years ago when I was woken up in the middle of the night by him CRAWLING ACROSS MY FACE.

    I immediately shrieked so loudly only dogs with very sensitive ears could have heard me, flew out of my bed, started hitting myself in the face trying to get it off, stripped down to my birthday suit and almost ripped my hair out because I felt it stuck in my long locks. After doing the most violent rain dance known to man, turning on the light and standing there in just my skin, I saw the little demon run behind my bed.

    I slept in the guest bedroom for the next two weeks.

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  9. Ohmygahd, these roach stories are making me want to barf!!!

    @Justin - I TOTALLY HEAR YOU, DUDE. If I had been close enough, I have no doubt in my mind that the Velociroach would have bitch slapped me. And the shower is always the worst place to spot a bug, because you're all naked and vulnerable. You should really just be grateful you didn't get spider raped, to be honest.

    @Tsa - Smashing them spreads their eggs? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? Just another reason to hate those godforsaken creatures. What a waste of spice. God could at least have made them look like unicorns or puppies or something.

    @kate - O. M. F. G. I almost had a heart attack just READING that comment. Holy shit. I have no words. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Good thing it wasn't me, because I would just have to lose the arm.

    @Alicia - Zombie roaches. :( Does it get any worse than that????

    @IDFBAI - Can I make out with Peeta after you?? I'm totally okay with sloppy seconds. If only real life men were like Peeta. Peeta knew how to cuddle. Men just think cuddling leads to blow jays. "/

    @Lor - I had the same thought for a minute, and then I was like, meh, fuck it. Plus I just tell myself that roaches like clean houses to live in best, so that's obviously why he was hanging out.

    I'm still reading HDM.
    I wish you could come on vacation with me. :(

    I miss you, too.

    @smedette - LOLOLOL. I love, love, love how we women are all telling our roach stories in the same way. "Big as a horse, husband killed it, I cried." TRUTH. I love you people.

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  10. @Charcoal - Holy fucking shit. I literally had my hand over my mouth while I was reading that story. OMG. OMG. You poor thing. Did you submerge your face in antibacterial afterwards??

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  11. I think your roachie and my roachie came from the same family. Goddamn humid states.

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  12. HOW ABOUT THAT TIME WHEN I FELT ONE CRAWLING ON MY ARM WHEN I WAS IN BED AND I FROZE IN PLACE BEFORE I REALIZED I SHOULD TURN ON THE LIGHT AND KILL IT.

    The cats cornered it for me while I ran to get the Raid and then I chased it around my room spraying it with poison until it died. And then I flushed it and did what any normal, 23 year old woman would do: I called my daddy crying.

    Sigh. Adulthood.

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  13. I feel like velociraptors should make requisite CT appearances because they are that fucking awesome. Also? This post had so much win.

    I love you.

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  14. This post makes the wait worth it when you pay attention to every blog you have except this one.

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  15. You know something weird? Picture of velociraptor = way less terrifying than picture of actual cockroach...

    Although I'm biased because when I was in the library doing my honours thesis, a 4 inch long FLYING cockroach crawled out of the microfilm printer and landed ON MY BOOBS. I screamed (earning myself glares from the librarians) and an old lady had to swat it away. It crawled under the microfilm machine, and I was terrified for the rest of the week that it was going to come back and bring its family with it...

    (That was 7 years ago. I'm still scared of that library...)

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  16. DUDE. I have totally seen the velociroach.

    that shit is scary.
    straight up, poop your pants and run like hell scary.

    In fact, I've completely tensed up.
    Thanks for the visual aid.

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  17. HAHA... I loved this post! I could feel the terrible hilariousness of this situation. I, too, have a ridiculous fear of bugs in my house. Love your blog!

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  18. Hahaha. This is hilarious.

    I've only ever seen one cockroach.... I stepped over it and went on my merry way.

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  19. The Hunger Games series is so good. I'm happy with pretty much everyone they cast except for the dude who's going to play Peeta. HELL TO THE NO!

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  20. Hi Andy's Mom. Hi Emily. I don't know who Emily is but I felt I should say hi to both of them because you did.

    Andy rocks. Mice are my mortal enemy. Of which we've been lucky enough to never ever have in my house and if that should ever occur?

    I, too, will lose my shit.

    You rock too (just in case you thought I forgot).

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  21. I want to make a short film out of this. When I inevitably stop by Shreveport on my way out to CrazyWood, can we make a bo-bo re-enactment of this epic tale?

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  22. I'M GOING TO OKLAHOMA TOO! How long will you be there?! Send me an email, hooker.

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  23. Also, I speak your "there's a roach" language. Probably at the same, overwhelming, decibel.

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  24. If you had left a day earlier, I would have waved at you as we passed by on the way from Texas to Missouri (you can hardly make that trip without going through Oklahoma). I, in fact, have a vlog from Oklahoma. It's a minute long, but very boring, for the very reason you stated. Oklahoma is boring and flat. Very boring. Try driving through at night. It's almost painful it's so boring.

    We had about a thousand velociroaches at the fast food place that I used to work at. I'm not the one that told you that.

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  25. I have never seen a roach in person, but personally I feel that the smarter thing to do would have been to befriend it. Think about it. You befriend it, get another dozen or so of his buddies to move in, then you can get them to fetch you drinks by the pool. They'd be like cabana boys, only tiny.

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  26. Roaches are so gross. Bugs don't bother me but roaches do! Get out you NASTY!

    My friend had one once and wasn't going to kill it because she's all "it's a living creature" fuck that KILL IT!

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  27. They just made a movie about that called Super 8. I hope you got paid for them using your story.

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  28. Damn if only I had known killing roaches got you blowjobs.... I would have been turning loose roaches for years!

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  29. Awww..you got the good man that kills things when told to do so! So jealous! My husband...ready?...flicks the spider or swats it on an angle with something so it goes flying. Great! Now I have no damn clue where the thing will turn up next. Probably in my mouth while I am sleeping.

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  30. I just peed a little from laughing so much when reading this. Hilarious! You should write a book, or do stand-up or something, or just keep writing blog posts. Whatever.

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  31. Your post totally reminded me of this commercial from Mentos! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMVMzzWPDSk :)

    Hours later, and I'm still sitting here laughing. Sorry your pain causes me so much funny! :)

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  32. This is horrifying, as are the comments that recount roach encounters. I have yet to see a roach in my home (yet), but I did see a mouse in May and I reacted much the same way as Sara reacted to her roach. This is embarassing mostly because I am a guy.

    I also reacted by borrowing a co-worker's cat (to catch the mouse...that failed); refusing (still) to go into the basement (where the mouse came from) necessitating that I pay a laundromat to do my laundry as my washer/dryer are in the basement; wearing shoes (still) whenever I am on the first floor.

    However, I do feel better knowing that things could always be worse...

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  33. If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place.


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