If you've met her, you know who I'm talking about. If you haven't... WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? It's Lorraine, y'all! Enjoy her movie review, because when I read it, I got a serious case of the giggles. And if you'd like to see mine, it's over at Nugs' place. Along with my pants. Rawr!
Hey guys, it’s Lorraine from Late to the Party. After typing that sentence, I almost decided that I should probably have a more original introduction than that, but quickly remembered all of the brain cells I’ll be wasting while watching this movie. After watching Glitter my first round of SMAC, I’m thinking I can’t afford to spend brain cells on things like “thinking” and “originality.”
So. This month’s theme for the Shitty Movie Awareness Club is animated movies. I’m really excited about this for several reasons. Ahem:
1.) I get to post on Sara’s blog! SARA. SARA NIPPLES. In case you didn’t know, she and I are like, best bloggity friends. We text, tweet, chat, email and Facebook each other all the time. We also grope each other, but *shhh*. We plan how we’re going to run away together one day and live by the Unicorn Code. Plus, we work on Childhood Trauma together, and bond over Wakefield Tears, even if sometimes she defends Jessica over Liz. I still totally forgive her. See? Best. Bloggity. Friends.
b.) I’m basically a cartoon!
cat.) Nicole Sweeney is posting on my blog. If that isn't just a hot sandwich of hot hotness, I don't know what is.
SPEAKING OF CATS…
The movie I chose is “Felix the Cat: The Movie.” My sisters and I watched the crap out of this movie. We found this at the seedy video rental store my father took us to basically every weekend. It was right next to the Pussycat Theater and it took me a long time to realize what kind of movies were in there.
Anyhow, and after way, way, way too much introduction, Felix the Cat:
We open the movie with a giant, disembodied cat head floating against a black screen. It’s Felix, yo. He kind of sounds like a less nasally, higher pitched Mickey Mouse. He also would like to tell us about an amazing adventure he’s had! His floating head is moving side to side in awkward, late 80’s animation and the voice isn’t even TRYING to match whatever small movements his mouth is making. Awesome. This is gonna be fun.
So, Felix just got back from the land of Oriana. It’s okay if we haven’t heard of it because they don’t even have an airport. Felix LMAO’s at his own damn joke and I wonder if this is going to happen often. Nobody likes the guy who laughs too hard at his own joke, FELIX. GOSH.
Oriana is in another dimension and the people and creatures there are supes weird, says Felix. More weird than a disembodied cat head who laughs at his own jokes, apparently.
We go to Oriana and there is a blonde chick signing, “Oriana” on a paper. I just mention this detail because as she signs, bells tinkle in the background and the ink is silver and sparkly and OMG I WANT THAT PEN. Sorry. I’m a sucker for office supplies. Also, Oriana is the name of the kingdom AND the princess. A+ for originality.
A little balding man comes into the big, palace-y room we’re in. His name is “Grumper.” Hmmm. I wonder if he’s jovial? Care free? Witty? Oh, fuck, right. He’s Grumpy. A+ for subtlety. At this time, another rotund character busts in, Pearl.
Pearl: Oh no! Oh no! OOOOOH NO! Ah! Worry! Freak out!
Grumpyface: Oh, wow. Bitch be cray cray.
Princess: Oh, nonsense Grumper. I am kind and good to all. I have blonde hair and speak softly. Let her speak.
That may be paraphrased but just a little.
So anyways, Pearl has seen a black duck on a green planet on her extra-terrestrial tarot cards, or something, which obviously means that Oriana’s uncle, the Duke of Zill has gotten through some intergalactic impasse and has returned to their kingdom with an army of robots. Don't you just hate when family shows up unannounced? So inconvenient.
We are shown the robot army and they are flying in formation chanting, “Princess! Princess! Princess!” I kind of am on their side, as of now, just because I’m a big fan of chanting. Chanting! Chanting! Chanting! Plus, you kind of have to admire that kind of focus and drive.
In fact, even though the Princess is JUST hearing about her evil uncle being back in town, most of her people have either fled or surrendered. Worst. Princess. Ever.
Princess: I’m going to escape through a secret passage way! And then I will get help from “the outside.” Also, I have never learned from movies that you should never announce your plans to people.
Pearl: Of course! “The outside.” Just like the prophecy that says we will have a hero from another dimension.
Lorraine: Hey twat waffle! Any other pertinent information you are keeping to yourself? Bitch.
Princess: What will you do Grumper? How will you escape?
Grumpydick: I’ll just stay here. I’m old and it doesn’t matter when old people die.
I would “word” this but Grumpster immediately sits down in triumph, meaning that he’s evil and is totally planning on selling the Princess out. Not cool.
The robots shine colorful lights out of their asses while they search for the escaping Princess. She keeps saying she’s looking for something but I don’t quite catch what. The dimense portal? The immense portal? Whatever. She finds it but before she can turn on the ditense porma, the robots and the evil Uncle Duke catch her.
Now would be a good time to mention that her uncle is like… a robot ox?
As they take the princess away, she cries a single magical tear. It becomes a little magical fairy tear who yells, “help me! Help me!” and is smarter than the actual princess because the tear manages to turn the disport portion on and the TearFairy travels through time or space or something, and finds our hero, Felix the Cat.
Felix grabs his magic bag, is an idiot, stumbles around, and follows the TearFairy. I hate Felix already. Passionately. Then for no reason we’re treated to a musical number as a group of foxes kick dirt onto Felix’s magic bag. UH. OKAY… The TearFairy leads Felix back to Oriana (the kingdom, not the person) and is all, “that’s as far as I go. See you later, sucka.”
Felix ends up underwater. I could explain how, but why would I when all I really want to mention is that the fish in Oriana? HAVE TITS.
Anyfishtits, Felix meets a gun-carrying, single toothed, southern accented man named Pim. He offers to help Felix but he really just wants that darn magic bag! As Pim leads him, Felix manages to get trapped in a man-eating bubble and Pim turns him over to the robot army. Never trust a man with only one tooth.
Pim takes the bag to “Wack Lizardi.” Okay. I’m going to let you guess what sort of animal he resembles and his defining character trait. I’ll give you a few seconds. If you guessed, “intelligent bird,” you are absolutely right!
JAYKAY. He’s a wack lizard. A++ Wack is a lackey to Uncle Duke and he also… runs a circus? You know. On his down time. Pim takes the magic bag to Wack but figures out that the bag ain’t so magical without Felix.
In captivity, Felix watches as the evil circus of Uncle Duke goes on. We’re treated to an evil circus number. A lion plays electric guitar… with his face. Mice/Lizard hybrids tap dance with top hats for about eleventy minutes. The circus crowd makes a lot of generic “crowd” noises but I can’t tell if they are cheering or jeering. I didn’t pay to attend this circus, but I want my money back.
Oh, wait. Here comes Felix to perform. I haven’t mentioned so far how very terribly “punny” this movie is. It kind of explains why my younger self liked it. For instance, Felix falls into his magic bag and as he gets out he yells, “who let the cat out of the bag?” #punny.
“Who is this Duke of Zill? He’s the one who got me into this pickle. Zill. Pickle. GET IT?” #punny
Felix: Hey Lizard, now that I'm done performing, can I stay and watch the Princess dance?
Wack Lizard: As long as you never tell another joke. Ever. Again.
If a dude named “wack” is asking you to stop telling jokes? You should probably stop.
And now comes the single plot point that I actually remember about this movie. Stop judging me. Oh, what? I haven’t told you what the plot point is yet? STOP JUDGING ME IN ADVANCE.
Okay, so the Princess is in this circus too, right? And her amazing talent is… bubble dancing! Seriously. She dances seductively in a bubble for all the circus to see. She’s not naked or anything. She just… shimmies and OMGSTOPJUDGINGMEPLEASE.
I should mention that all of this circus crap is taking place in Zill, not in Oriana (the kingdom, not the person.) I didn’t mention this before because I didn’t know and it took a little caption that said, “meanwhile, in Oriana’s kingdom…” for me to realize. AT LEAST I CAN READ, OKAY?
Sorry. These SMAC entrires always make me very yell-y.
Meanwhile, back in Oriana’s kingdom, everyone is watching her dance in the ‘ole bubble.
Grumpylips: I really don’t see why she’s on every channel. Don’t we have cable up in hurr? Surely the Housewives of Something or Teen Mom 57 is on. Any of that would be better than watching her dance the same way every night.
Uncle Duke: She gets better every night. Let me jerkoff... I MEAN... watch in peace.
People keep making cat/princess hooking up jokes and uh HELLO? Gross, cartoon characters. Stop it.
Felix finds the Princess and she explains what happened: Basically, Uncle Duke was a mad scientist and in trying to build his robot army, he maimed himself and had to build himself that stunning oxrobot body. He was supes jealous of his brother, the then king and wanted all of the secrets to the kingdom, like the secret of the Dimental Poridge. But Oriana will never give them to him. NEVAR. And her daddy banned him to the land beyond the impasse. And then Uncle Duke did evil things and has now captured the princess.
Felix promises that he’ll get the Princess out of the circus and she… presses his oversized head against her boobs. Felix is understandably impressed and the soundtrack croons, “something moooore. More than friends.”
OMG SO GROSS. BESTIALITY IS NOT OKAY.
Okay, so the next day Felix and Oriana are performing again. Oriana bubble dances, Felix plays the sax and Uncle Duke says, “magnificent! Magnificent!” and so on. They all end up in bubbles somehow and escape the circus tent.
So now, Pim, Oriana, Felix and some other characters I never mentioned because who cares, amIrite? are a rag-tag team of escapees when hark! Hark! A dragon comes out of nowhere and a horribly dubbed voice over says, “Stella. Stella. I could’ve been somebody.”
I SHIT YOU NOT. The dragon that is now trying to eat our Escapees is quoting Brando. I seriously fucking paused the movie and searched to see if a pop-up was responsible for this line of dialogue, but NO. NO.
Whatever. My head hurts now. After being chased by various things, they make it back to the castle in Oriana (the kingdom, not the girl) (though if she had a castle in her that'd be cool. I mean weird. Totally weird.) and sneak in but Uncle Duke is waiting for them. He wants the secrets of the kingdom and stuff but Oriana is all, “no, bitch.” So Uncle Duke threatens the rest of the Escapees and Oriana is all, “Fiiiiiine. Bitch.”
Oriana summons a magical book of kingdom secrets and Uncle Duke opens it. Ladies and gentleman, the kingdom secrets Oriana has been protecting and that the slim plot of THIS ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE WAS BASED AROUND.
ARE YOU MOTHER FUCKING KIDDING ME? -- and that was just Uncle Duke’s reaction.
He’s so pissed that he unveils his new super robot, but we only see that super robot for about oh, 1 second, because Felix throws the book of kingdom secrets at it and apparently love and wisdom and shit are just too powerful for a metal robot and he explodes. And naturally every single other robot explodes. And naturally this means Uncle Duke dies.
Or, really, he twinkles into the skies from whence he threatens, “I’ll be back.” Right now, I’m focusing on the fact that Felix is hugging Oriana and he’s basically vag level tall. Insert your own pussycat joke here.
They say goodbye and Felix is sent back through the Dimesh Portion.
God help me. I made it until the end. I still really have this headache, though, on one side of my head. It’s probably the side responsible for logic and hating bestiality.