Monday, June 13, 2011

DoucheBag Central

Recently, I was getting together a list of names and addresses for wedding invitations. As I was emailing all of my friends to get updated information, I realized that I hadn't seen some girlfriends from high school in quite some time. These particular girlfriends are the epitome of fun-loving, party-having, club-hoppin' girls. And in case you couldn't tell from over a year of blog posts..... I'm not exactly a fun-loving, party-having, club-hoppin' kind of girl. I'm more of a sit-on-the-couch, eating-potato-chips, with-no-pants-on kind of girl. So to say I was a little out of my comfort zone Saturday night would be putting it lightly.

We started at Texas Roadhouse, home of throwing peanut shells on the floor. Also home to a delicious frozen margarita. I sipped on my margarita and ate french fries covered in love handles (might as well have been) while I caught up with five girlfriends I hadn't seen in years. The first fifteen minutes of conversation went a little something like this:

Girlfriend #1: Sara, do you remember that time you called me your Mexican Boyfriend at that party and then we called each other that for the rest of the year? LOL
Me: Um... it sounds kind of familiar, but....
Girlfriend #2: Oh man! Hey Sara, remember when you rapped What Would You Do by City High in Mr. Hayden's English class, except you had to skip over that part about being raped and Mr. Hayden got mad at you?
Me: Oh, ha ha, uh.... sure?

What the fuck, y'all? Was I stoned my entire high school career? I have no memory of these stories, and they were about me.

*Aside: I didn't smoke or drink in high school. I was pretty much the most awesome kid ever. You're welcome, Mom.

*Aside Again: This is further evidenced by the fact that when I saw someone downtown later that night who I hadn't seen since ninth grade, his first response was, "I would never have expected to see YOU out here, that's for sure." How else can you answer to that, besides saying, "Yep, I'm just an alcohol-swilling, Bible-burning baby-aborting pillhead now.... who would have thought?" Dick.

After one margarita at the restaurant, we had all planned on heading downtown, AKA DoucheCentral. But one of the girls we were with heard about a house party close by. This house party would be filled to the brim with even  more people I haven't seen since high school. Obviously, this sounded like a shitload of fun. (Note: Not.) But since I'm usually a Champion Couch Potato, I decided to just go along for the ride.

We arrived at this bangin' house party, and it was poppin', y'all. And by poppin', I mean that we pulled in the driveway at the same moment the hosts of this house party pulled into the driveway. Also? They had one bottle of liquor and one case of beer.

Taaka Vodka and Bud Lite.

Enough said, right?

I relived my freshman year of college and took a shot of Taaka, hoping that one shot might make me forget where I was, for fear that I might start weeping at the lameness of it all.

I am entirely too damn old to be at a house party like this.

I am way too fucking old to be shooting Taaka.

I need to get the fuck out of..... WAITAFUCKINGSECOND.

"WHAT. IS. THIS?" I practically yelled at my friend, as I noticed the most amazing thing I'd ever seen on a fridge before. (Besides the flyer for the local eatery Double D Ranch that is currently residing on my fridge at home.)


Y'all. That is a Christmas card. And in case you didn't notice, the fucking dogs have individual portraits on this Christmas card, while the children do not. And look at those portraits! These dogs are obviously used to having their pictures taken. They're probably also used to eating at the table with the rest of the family, cracking open an icy cold beer on Sunday afternoons, and spending all day lounging around in their own private room with an on-staff masseuse and fireplace. The two kids are probably off somewhere, coughing up furballs and smelling like dog piss. This Christmas card alone made the entire house party worth it.

After laughing hysterically at the Christmas card, I turned around and realized just how uncomfortable this house party really was. The guests included us girls and.... the host. The awkward silence loomed over us, while my friend and I made "wtfarewedoinghere" eyes at each other.

"Uh.... I'll be outside smoking."

Smoking may be a dirty, dirty habit, but it really is the best excuse to get yourself away from uncomfortable situations.

While I was outside doing my dirty cancer thing, one of my friends came outside.

Friend #1: I didn't know you smoked!
Me: Um, wow. We really haven't seen each other in a while, huh?
Friend #1: So do you inhale when you smoke?
Me: Is that a real question? I mean, uh, yes.
Friend #1: I've only ever tried a cigarette once....... *hinty eyes*
Me: Oh really? Hm, that's interesting. *ignoring hinty eyes*
Friend #1: Yeah, I think I kind of liked it a little bit maybe. I would probably have to try again to know for sure. *YELLING EYES*
Me: Ahem. Cough. *'please stop yelling at me with your eyes' eyes*
Friend #1: Could I try?

Sigh. Guys, I've become that person.

Stay strong, Steph! These bitches will wrinkle up way faster than you, gurl.

"Everyone else is smoking, you'll look totally cool, boys will like you, INFECT YOUR LUNGS WITH CANCER, BISH."

*Aside: Nobody panic about me turning a friend into a black lung participant. This girl is not going to start smoking all the time, swearsies.

I handed her a cigarette, and she held it away from her and lit the tip of it with the lighter. (*giggle* I'll admit that I found it kind of cute that she had no clue how to light a cigarette.) After showing her what to do (devil's work), she started smoking and actually managed not to cough while doing it. If you've ever seen a new smoker smoke a cigarette, you know how awkward they look doing it. I noticed her glancing at me out of the corner of her eye to follow my movements when I inhaled, ashed, or just stood holding it. (Again, I know it's bad, but it was pretty funny. It felt very much like a high school flashback.)

Moments later, another friend walked outside.

Friend #2: You two look so classy smoking your cigarettes!

Sigh. GUYS. I DID NOT START THIS. Stopjudgingme.

Friend #2: Can I try?
Me: Oh, goddamnit.

Are there any old ladies who need help crossing the street? Turtles flipped upside down who need to be turned over? Seriously, my karma points have to be in the negatives by now.

This friend erupted into a fit of coughs after one tiny drag.

Me: "And that's why smoking is bad for you."

(See? Saving lives here, y'all.)

On our way back inside the house, the two dogs (featured above) were acting like fucking insane beasts. I told the girls that we should try to run inside quickly, so the dogs would stay outside and quit trying to goose everyone. The dogs had both been outside when we arrived to the party, so we figured the host couldn't be too angry with us for trying to avoid their cold noses.

Except that the dogs escaped. And judging from the Christmas card and the framed photographs of these golden retrievers all over the house, someone was going to be pretty upset to return home to no dogs. These people would probably be less upset if they lost their children, for God's sake.

The host quickly ran outside when he discovered the dogs were missing, and that is when we chose to leave and go to a bar. We're classy like that.

To Be Continued... because one post just isn't enough to make fun of the douches I met Saturday night.


  1. You are a bad bad girl Sara! Although for the love of God, were the girls you were hanging out with 14 because after 14, it's not okay to think it'd be cool to try smoking. If you're already a smoker, whatevs, but women in their mid to late 20s (I'm guessing) are supposed to be smarter than that. I used to smoke so I'm not judging that part. More the part where they relived some bad afterschool special. Except you get to be the bad girl and that's awesome.

    And the Christmas card? Pure awesomeness.

    I can't wait for part 2!

  2. In high school, the girls I was friends with were always very well behaved, and I don't think they typically hang out with people who smoke. Plus we were all drinking, and they were a bit silly by that point. So I guess they were just going through their "bad girl" phase a little late. :)

  3. See, it's good to go out sometimes, you get great material for blog posts!

    That Christmas card is amazing. I'll probably end up taking Christmas card photos of only my pets. We did a "family portrait" for Xmas this year, with Sook in the middle.

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  5. Who doesn't care more about their dogs than they do their children? I mean, seriously. The dogs are more loyal and don't talk back; that alone makes them five billion times better. (I swear, I'm kidding. These kids are going to leave home with mental complexes that make them scared of ever having a dog in their relationship for fear the spouse will love it more.)

    But ohmygod, the party just sounds... Well, horrifying. I'm much more of a stay-at-home-eating-junk-food-on-the-couch when it comes to my "party" persona, too.

  6. it's been 4 years since i graduated and i was definitely a good girl through high school too, though my mom never wanted to believe that i wasn't a typical pot-head alcoholic. thanks mom. anyway, totally know what you mean about seeing some of your old party friends. definitely awkward apples.

    love, little.

  7. Oh dear karma is not going to be happy with you! Still if it wasn't you it would just be someone else and at least you aren't encouraging them...yeah that's what I tell myself when douchey boyfriends try it on with me...if it's not you it's just someone else...I'm a bad person

    Also sorry but that xmas card is totally awesome and has given me so many ideas for the future (yes I am a crazy dog lady...or at least I will be when I get some bloody money to feed the buggers!)

    Love the blog xxx

  8. You had a VERY eventful night. Awkward catch-up conversations? Dog obsessed house party? Peer pressuring your friends to start smoking? I'm tired just thinking about accomplishing all of that. :)

  9. You are so right about the smoking thing being a good excuse to get out of uncomfortable situations. Now that I've quit I have to hang out in bathrooms.

    I'm not the bar star anymore either but still social. Instead what we do is have everyone over to our place and I cook for them. It's what I do.

  10. Please tell me that you ate at the Texas Roadhouse that is sandwiched inbetween two two and a half hotels right down the road from the Louisiana Boardwalk - because I lived there when I was stranded because of the ice storm!!

    Oh my gosh - and you're so lucky to be able to go to house parties. I missed out on the house party chapter of my life and I'm always on the prowl for ways to make it up.

    Also that Chrimmuh card? Um, win. Win, win, WIN.

  11. That's the one!! It's also right next to Rockin' Rodeo, a dirrrty club that Andy and I call the Hodeo because of how the girls who go there dress.

    We were so close!!! I wish I had known. :(

  12. Holy awkward turtle swimming in awkward sauce! Did you at least take the booze with you when you bailed?

  13. that christmas card is HILARIOUS. so is that full house picture and the accompanying story about accidentally corrupting people with your filthy/classy habit. my smoker friends and I have had many inebriated conversations about "cigarettiquette" and how it's always funny to watch an amateur try to pull off smoking. it takes a lot of practice! it's also funny when you can tell that actors in movies don't smoke in real life because they aren't quite pulling it off.

  14. I didn't drink or smoke in high school either. I've been making up for that in my 20s though.

    Remember when you were going to take me to DOuble D ranch?! That has to happen.

    Also that card is so much awesome. I'm going to do that with my cats.

  15. Jesus. That party sounds like a total nightmare. But it sounds like the Christmas card of insanity totally made up for it!! My parents have friends who would totally do that...

  16. That Christmas card is the most amazing thing of ever.

    ...after your Snuggie GIF

  17. That Christmas card is fantastic. I want to send out a card like that with Yvonne...

  18. Sara, you are such a bad influence.

    Come to Canada and be my friend?

  19. Oh man, I'm totally that girl with my friends. They only started smoking because I was doing it. They only continue to smoke when I'm around. And it makes me so sad, it really does. But the only solution would be for me to quit and I'm just not ready!

  20. The best part about trying smoking was absolutely nothing. Wait, almost dying the next day was pretty fun. Nope it wasn't.

  21. I love smoking. And I don't care who knows it.

    Except maybe for my insurance company, because I'm supposed to quit by the first of July and...ohmyfuckinggod that's in a week!


    I've been to that lame ass house party with your old high school buddies. I mean mine. I feel your pain.

    Off to read part two!

  22. I really enjoyed to read this post.You are doing a fine job.Keep it up.