I'm going to Oklahoma this weekend, which means my house is a mess and I have a shit ton of things to do, and I have a karaoke video to record (theme is covers/rip-offs), and I've been working on all sorts of stuff on Childhood Trauma, and ZOMG have y'all read The Hunger Games, because my life was officially turned off for three days in order to finish that series. And also, the person they hired to play the hawt boy is, like, ten years old, and I feel like a creepy old woman for lusting after him. Thanks a fucking lot, production company that I don't feel like googling right now.
In bloggy news, I have been busy contrary to what my sad, pathetic little Sara Swears A Lot looks like. Childhood Trauma, the site in which we roast books from our childhood, has a Facebook page. The Karaoke Ring of Death, the monthly karaoke ring in which we make fools of oursevles singing, also has a Facebook page. There's a new post up at Childhood Trauma about a Sweet Valley High book that made me want to ride Todd's junk, ifyaknowwhatimsayin.
This Friday, I will be leaving lovely Lousyana and heading to Oklahoma, the place of.... flatness. Much like my chest. ZING! OH NO SHE DIDN'T. Andy will be coming along, and Andy's sister, and possibly my best friend. We're going to make sosososo many vlogs while we're gone, because I say so. If you have any ideas for what I should be vlogging about in Oklahoma, let me know!
There was a roach in my house last night. It looked a little something like this:
|I'm working off of memory here, so I might be off on the number of claws.|
Velociroach was running like a bandit across the wall in my living room, and I'm pretty sure I spotted him first, as I have a Velociroach Detector in my brain at all times. (It's hereditary.) The moment I saw it, I slapped Andy because I was in a panic and that's what happens when I see roaches. I said something like, "Oh my goodness, there's a roach on that wall over there, and you must kill it immediately!" except that it came out more like, "OHMYSFLJFLWNVIOEJWLHJFANEOAIJWEFDEATHDEATHDEATH."
Luckily Andy understands my Velociroach language and immediately went to kill it.
He took a flip flop and smashed the shit out of the roach. BUT THE ROACH DIDN'T FUCKING DIE.
The Lazarus of roachdome tried to run behind our entertainment center, but Andy is obviously a trained assassin and was not about to let that happen. He went to smack it again, but this time, the roach knew what was coming. He practically grabbed a hold of the shoe right before it hit him, and he threw Andy off to the side. Practically. Or something.
After Andy wiped the sweat off his forehead, he looked at me very seriously and said, "We're going to need a bigger shoe."
While Andy was doing all of his assassin tricks, I was standing in the kitchen screaming, btdubs.
I went to retrieve the biggest shoe I could find. Luckily Andy has pretty large feet.
Bowchicawowow winkywinkywink awww shit son, that's what I'm saying. (Hey Emily! Hey Andy's mom!)
Andy finally got one good throat punch in, and the roach fell behind the entertainment center, STILL ALIVE. If you're keeping track at home, this roach has now survived three fucking attacks. MonsterVelociroach Bastard.
Andy was all, "Hm. Well, it fell behind the TV, so I guess we'll just wait til it comes out."
I laughed a very snobby laugh and told him that I would not be sleeping in that house, much less stepping foot in that living room, if I didn't see a fucking body. It's either me or the Velociroach, yo.
Because Andy loves
Next, he tried to bring each of our dogs in the room one at a time, so they could find the roach. Penny Lane walked over to the entertainment center, and he made her sniff the bottom of the flip flop that had almost made a connection with the Church Norris Roach. He was all, "That's what it smells like, Penny! Find it!"
If you're thinking, "The fuck?" don't worry, you aren't the only one.
When all three of our dogs decided to play flashlight tag, he gave up on that idea. "Fuck this roach!" he said, getting angrier and angrier. I kept suggesting he move the entertainment center, and he was all, "The entertainment center can't just be pushed to the side, Sara," except he said 'Sara' all snooty like. I was almost crying by this point, and Andy decided to pull out the big guns.
|Velociroach was like a whole new breed of animal. But ant killer is a badass motherfucker.|
I made Andy throw the body outside, because dead roaches can mate with live roaches and have awful little velociroachy babies.
Fuck that roach.