Monday, May 2, 2011

Shitty Movie Awareness Club: Pop Star Movies

This is my first time participating in Nugs' Shitty Movie Awareness Club, and I'm pretty excited. I already live by the riffing code, thanks to too many hours of Mystery Science Theater 3000, so it only makes sense to jump in on this movie ring. I decided to review Miley Cyrus' The Last Song, because it's practically a work of art. You can find my review on Mandy Moore's blog. I also posted my first official Sweet Valley High review on my other snarky blog, Childhood Trauma. There's a lot going on today, people.

Today, I get to host the ring leader herself, Nugs! I feel so honored to have her here. And I'm basically in a big boob sandwich, which is pretty awesome. Without further ado...

I am totally fired up for this month's SMAC! (In case you haven't noticed, we finally chose a moniker for the ring! Welcome to the Shitty Movie Awareness Club, so named by myself and Tits). Not only do I get to post for Sara Nips, one of my best bloggy friends EVER, but if you head over to That Ain't Kosher you'll get to read a review from Tsa, who was demented awesome enough to play tour guide for me when I visited San Francisco a few months ago.

Read that one afterwards, though. What you should subject yourself to first is my eloquent re-telling of the storied cinematic classic From Justin to Kelly.


When we decided to review movies starring pop stars for the latest edition of SMAC, I knew immediately which one I was gunning for (emphasis on gun). I had never seen From Justin to Kelly, and I prayed that the film’s title described the oncoming path of a wayward bullet.

Alas, it did not. From Justin to Kelly stars (?) two of the singers from the brain-hammer that is American Idol, Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini or however the fuck you spell it. Basically they meet each other on a Spring Break trip to somewhere I don’t remember because I blocked it out and assault our eyes and ears with what they consider singing and/or dancing.

Check out these breathtaking originals
I should have known what I was getting into from minute one. I mean, check out the tag line on IMDB:

A lonely, sexually repressed man. A depressed woman. A summer camp. On this fateful night, they will meet... and their hearts will become one.

What the fuck? Who wrote this? That makes it sound like a Holocaust movie, which would have been way less depressing than this shit. What makes this movie even more unbelievable is that Kelly’s bitchy blond friend (we know she’s a bitch because she’s blond and wears sluttier outfits than Kelly) tries to steal Justin away. Seriously? Dude looks like Sideshow Bob with a Taco Bell anus and a Labradoodle face.

Who one inspires more sexytimes?
Eventually the two of them finally connect, but does it really matter?

So then there are a bunch of craptastic musical numbers with choreography that makes children’s dance recitals look like the Joffrey Ballet, and also there is singing. My God, the singing. The only redeeming quality I can come up with for this film is that after eighty-one minutes, I didn’t want to drive a rusty nail slowly through my skull. Drinking the Tide under my sink would have sufficed nicely enough. I was hoping for at least a glimmer of enjoyment and some brief moments of hilarity, but no. I kept glancing at the clock thinking at least twenty minutes had passed, but it had only been like, thirty seconds.
So, this was obviously a stepping stone to both of the lead actors’ careers. Clarkson, thankfully, can wipe this off her resume due to her two Grammy awards for the multi-platinum Breakaway, and Guarini can start dusting off his resume because I heard they’re opening a Quizno’s down the block. He wouldn’t even have to spend the gas money. WIN!


I’m actually going to recommend that you guys watch this movie. It is so awful, so painfully terrible, that I need to not be alone in my suffering.

11 comments:

  1. I actually saw this movie in the THEATERS. Don't worry, I didn't have to pay to see it (I worked there so all the movies were free). It was much less horrible when I was a kid and saw it. Now, it's just total cheese. I thought some of the songs were mildly cute thought.

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  2. I just remember soccer moms SWOONING over this guy. He is so gross looking. I mean, I wish I could back you up and watch this too, but I watched Glitter this month. Yeah. YEAH.

    I think I've suffered enough.

    Lor

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  3. I was working at a movie theater when this movie was released. The first day, first showing? Two tickets were sold. After that, nothing. They pulled it from our theater FAST.

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  4. I have not seen it and as much as I enjoy you dear Sara, I will not. I've watched enough High School Musical to last seven lifetimes. That is what having children gets me. Luckily enough though, not one of them embraced this shitstorm of a disastrous movie. This slightly makes up for watching Zac Efron lip sync his way through 3 tedious movies roughly 709 times.

    Slightly.

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  5. This is the ultimate SQUEEE!!!!!

    I need to make that NOLA trip happen so I can come over and have a nipply slumber party where we watch shitty movies and dance around.

    Who's in???

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  6. I watched maybe three minutes of this when my sister was obsessed. I was so appalled I actually pulled out the cable on the tv and refused to plug it back in until my sister agreed to watch something else.

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  7. HA! I watched this in theaters. Me and my two friends were the only ones there. And then I actually bought it. I watched it the other day (it's on VHS!) and it wasn't as good as it used to be.

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  8. Lol, sooo bad. Sooo good. <3

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  9. This one reminds me of the movie with Joey Fatone and Lance Bass. I can't even remember the name of it. Or Get Over It with Sisqo and Kirsten Dunst.

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  10. This movie was so so bad and yet i actually watched it in theaters. The singing wasn't awful but it made no sense, and the costumes were horrible. It looked like it was made on a budget of 200 bucks.

    Also i never noticed that Justin looks like sideshow bob, good call!

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  11. I don't know why I ever let my friends convince me, but I actually saw this in the theatre with them. And yes, we were the only ones in the theatre. I never put the side-show reference together either. What a genius discovery!

    Sara

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