Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Sara Does Dallas: Medieval Times

We have our first snarky Goosebumps review up on Childhood Trauma! In this book, a girl chokes another girl out because SHE MESSED UP HER SHOES. Honestly, I'm not judging her at all. You don't fuck with a girl's shoes, yo.

I'll also be having a giveaway next week for a necklace made by my friend Cynthia. Her blog can be found here. Tune in!

After eating Chinese food and making ourselves as beautiful as our tired limbs could handle, we left the hotel and headed for Medieval Times, which was less than two minutes away. Being in the hot sun all day at Six Flags had drained us, but we caught our second wind on the drive to the castle.

(Aside:  For those of you who don't know what Medieval Times is, here's some information. Medieval Times is a dinner and a show in which you watch six knights compete in a tournament to be King's Champion. The people who attend the show are divided into six different groups based on the color of the knight they will be rooting for. They are assigned a knight to root for and an enemy to boo. They are also given these sweet ass crowns to wear. Don't be jealous.)

We stood in a short line of people, waiting to be assigned a knight and crowned by a man who would have looked like a peasant from the medieval times if he hadn't been handing out laminated table cards and construction paper crowns. He assigned us to the red team! Little did we know, being on the red team would make the Medieval Times experience one of the most magical nights of our lives.

When it was time to head in to the stadium to watch the show, we could hardly contain our excitement. We ended up seated in the very top row. Right after being seated, a waitress gives you all the information you'll need for the show regarding what food you will be eating and which knight you will be cheering for.

Waitress:  Our section will be cheering for the red knight! On the count of three, I want to hear your loudest cheers. 1.....


Waitress:  Um, okay, guys? Why don't you wait until I count to three this time, so we can....


I should probably mention at this point that somehow, whether on accident or not, every drunk attending Medieval Times that night was on the red team.

This. Was. Awesome.

The way Medieval Times works is basically a rehearsed play. Every night, a new knight gets to be the "winner" of the tournament. There is also a different knight every time playing the role of the bad guy. It just so happens that while we were there, our assigned hate was to be placed on the bad guy of the night.

Waitress:  We'll be boo'ing the green knight. So anytime you see the...


Waitress:  Sigh.

After the waitress gave up trying to tell us how the game would work, the green team apparently grew some balls and decided to try chanting GREEN. GREEN. GREEN. GREEN.

Emily:  Look at that old ass man trying to lead his team into chanting. How embarrassing is that?
Me:  Fuck that shit. We'll put him in his place.

Which is when the four of us got the entire red team to start chanting RED. RED. RED. RED. RED. until poor little green team's chanting just slowly dwindled from GREEN. GREEN. GREEN. into, "um, green....ahem coughcough, nevermind guys, let's just give it up."

The green team awkwardly sat back down, knowing that they had been beat, but that certainly didn't shut the red team up. Everyone on team red continued screaming like a bunch of monkeys hyped up on crack and red bull until the show started.

Right before the show officially began, we noticed one man in particular who seemed to be having a very good time. He was probably about 28 years old, wearing a pink polo, and every time we saw him, he had a rather large glass of beer in his hand. He had also spent ten dollars on a plastic sword that lit up when you pushed a button.

Some guy brought out light-up swords and princess wands to pass out for free, because he could apparently tell that the drunkies were going to cause mayhem if they didn't have toys to play with.

Every single time someone on the red team would lift up their light-up sword, Pink Shirt Guy would haul ass across the stadium-like setting to hold his light-up sword out to them in a declaration of.... loyalty? bravery? friendship? No one really knows, not even Pink Shirt Guy.

The lights dimmed, and the crowd started getting pumped up for the show. The actors start with their dialogue.

"You've been captured, fool! Get yo ass on this horse and come with us!"
"Fuck that, yo. I gots me a fine lady at home, waitin' to bone."
(Or something like that)
Random guy in crowd: RED! RED! RED! RED! RED!

We were all, "Man, that guy is kind of obnoxious, right? We haven't even seen the red knight yet, and he's already screaming."

At least, that's what we would have said if we hadn't all been drinking, too.

In reality, we said, "RED! RED! RED! RED! RED! RED!" I'm pretty sure no one in our section knew what the fuck was going on for the rest of the show, thanks to all the screaming through the dialogue.
Finally, it was time for the knights to come out. They all trotted out one by one, and the last to appear was the red knight.

AND "OH. MY. GAWD." as Katelynn would say.


So as he trotted out on his horse, Katelynn and I may have swooned a bit. Well, maybe a little more than a bit. Okay, maybe kind of a lot.

A conversation the SSSS had after arriving home from Dallas:

Emily:  Sara, can we talk to you about something?
Sara:  Sure?
Emily:  I've heard of the Bieber effect. I've seen it on TV and in movies. Women fainting and crying and falling all over themselves to get to a man who they have NEVER EVEN HAD A CONVERSATION WITH. But I've never experienced it in person before. It was terrifying.
Andy:  I was concerned.

And he really was, y'all. A couple of times during the show, I broke my gaze with Prince Sara'sFutureBoyfriend to see what Andy was doing, and he was always looking at me with this concerned face, like he was worried we would have to stop at a mental institution (or a strip club) on the way home.

At one point, Prince SFB looked in our direction and made one of those sexy man faces that only sexy men can make sexy, yaknowwhatimean? Katelynn and I literally squealed, you guys. We literally squealed.

Katelynn:  He was looking right at us!!
Me:  He's totally in love with us!!
Both:  SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

I know, I know. I'm embarrassed of myself. (Except not really at all, because if you were there, you would have done the same exact thing. He was a fucking prince, y'all!)

Unfortunately, he never threw us a rose, but we decided it's because he didn't want to make the little girls cry by giving the flowers to the two sexiest girls in the room. Totally understandable.

At the end of the show, Red Knight was whooping everyone's asses, and the red team was completely out of control.


He delivered a blow to the green knight that sent him stumbling to the side, without any weapons to defend himself.


The red knight delivered one last hit, and we had officially won the competition.

My voice was completely gone after the show because I spent the entire thing screaming as loud as I possibly could. But Katelynn and I still made sure to meet Pink Shirt Guy out in the lobby, where he was chugging another beer. We told him how awesome he was, and he agreed.

We also made sure to cut some little kids off to take a picture with the red knight. HE'S OURS FIRST, LITTLE BITCHES. Poor seven year olds...

When we finally finished eyehumping the knights, we made our way to the parking lot, exhausted and ready to get back to the hotel and finish our dranking there. The end of the road trip was near, and we were all sad that the fun things we had planned were over.

We had no idea that the next day would be the most amazing part of the entire trip.

Next up:  Magic Time Machine

**Medieval Times is seriously one of the best experiences I've ever had. The thing that makes it so much fun is that there are NO RULES. The show wasn't ruined with lots of "turn off your cell phone!" and "quiet down, everyone" announcements. Guests could walk in and out of the stadium as they pleased. Bartenders were sent out to take drink orders several times during the show.

It was a lot like a sporting event, the way people got so into it. We were still chanting, "RED! RED! RED! RED!" when we were out in the parking lot, and complete strangers would join in because none of us wanted the experience to end. Overall, Medieval Times is a really fun place to plan a weekend with friends who know how to have a good time. (Plus there's alcohol involved, which is badass.)

I am in no way being compensated by Medieval Times for this post. It was a great way to celebrate my birthday, and you should definitely see if you can find one in your area, get a group together, and drunkenly root for your prince-like knight. BUT DON'T YOU DARE FALL IN LOVE WITH PRINCE SARA'SFUTUREBOYFRIEND.


  1. Andy's "finish him" was so totally my favorite thing of ever. Sara. SARA. We have to see a show together. HAVE TO. I don't care if we don't even get to until we're 99. We're dragging our oxygen tanks to a show. OKAY? Okay.


  2. The way you described it, the picture, the chanting... I'm not proud to admit it, but I think I had a little Beiber Fever myself... I may have even squee'd when you squee'd. Ahem.

  3. OMG I love Medieval Times, we have one here in MB. I've been probably like 5 times. I always ask to be on the Green team though cause he's like the bad guy and i like rooting for evil and shit.

    Also that prince is totes hot, does he have a brother?

  4. Your knight is some hot piece of man candy!

  5. "We all told him how awesome he was, and he agreed." Hahahaha!

    I wanted to go to Medieval Times in Orlando desperately, but my brothers are LAME and didn't want to go! Now I will officially have to beat them up next time I see them.

  6. Bi, YOU MUST. Your brother won't regret it. There's even some seriously hawt bartender ladies in old timey clothing.

  7. Sara, I literally live 5 minutes from their here in dallas and i've never been.. i'm such a bad girl

  8. 1) He is so hot.
    2) I hate that "end of the trip" feeling. You know you should be soaking up the last minutes of awesome but part of you is totally wallowing in "WHY DOES IT HAVE TO END" self-pity.
    3) We went to Medieval Times a few times when I was a kid. Vegas too. Retrospectively, I wish I could remember what my parents were doing during these "family trips" because I'm beginning to think that I have underestimated how fucking brilliant they really are/were.

  9. Bi come to Maryland and you can go to then castle here with me. My cousin is one of the princesses!

  10. That sounds totally amazeballs. I don't think we have anything like that down here *sad face*

    And Prince Sara's-Future-Boyfriend is totally hot. If he has a brother, let me know? Kthxbai

  11. He is everything a prince should be!

  12. I've been to Medieval times twice. I could not tell you what happened either time I was there.

    In real life Medievale times must have been one drunken orgy of swords and hair product.

  13. I'm hoping to convince the BF that we should go to Medieval Times for our 1 year. I LOVE Medieval times.

  14. The entire time I was reading this, I did the whole "Ohmygosh, I can't laugh out loud, and I'm trying so hard to suppress it, but now I just sound like a hyperventilating bulldog." I probably should have just LOL'd.

  15. Did they have wenches? Because, if it was entirely wench-free, I'm not sure I can get behind it.

  16. Kev D. they call their waitresses wenches.

  17. I've never been. I really want to go!

  18. Any half naked women? I mean, he's cute and all but not really my type.

  19. That guy's chin was so princy. When I saw this title I was def hoping for giant piece of meat shot...but the beer mug is pretty good too, I guess..

  20. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I can watch the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.