Thursday, April 7, 2011

Sara Does Dallas: Six Flags

Sorry it's taking me so long to get these blog posts going. My excuse is that it's the end of the semester and work is crazy and I'm planning my wedding and ZOMG I AM SO TIRED, Y'ALL.

We woke up bright and early Saturday morning (9 AM is bright and early for a Saturday, right?) so we could make it to Six Flags right as it was opening for the day. After turning my alarm off once or twice or twelve times, I finally opened my eyes to the world and saw that Katelynn had apparently woken up at three o'clock in the fucking morning because she had taken a shower, fixed her hair, chosen her outfit, put on makeup, smoked a cigarette, had a cup of coffee, and solved world hunger before any of the rest of us lazy fucks even considered getting out of bed.

(Aside:  Going on vacation with a bunch of cigarette smokers is kind of hilarious. I smoke, but I never have one until after noon. Smoking in the morning, for me, is vom-city. But the first thing Andy, Katelynn, and Emily did every morning we were in Dallas was stumble out to the non-smoking balcony with sleep still in their eyes, barely able to light their cigarettes because they had literally just woken up three seconds earlier.)

On the way to Six Flags, we stopped at McDonalds and Starbucks (uh, yes, we stopped at both) (stopjudgingme) for sustenance to make it through the very busy day we had planned. After finishing our food and throwing the rest to the birds, we programmed Sir TomTom with Six Flag's address and set out on our second journey in Dallas. Here are a few excerpts from conversation between me and Andy on the drive there:

"You have to go straight here, you have to go str... um, I guess we could turn around."

"Which lane am I supposed to be in?" "TomTom isn't telling me, hang on, I think this is right, oh shit. Um, my bad. I guess we could turn around."

"FUCK IT. I'm gonna drive like I'm from Dallas from now on. Fuck these other cars."

"TOMTOM, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, FIGURE IT THE FUCK OUT WE ARE IN DALLAS HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THIS IT IS YOUR JOB FUCKITY FUCK FUCK"

Emily and Katelynn sat in the backseat quietly, like children trying not to upset or distract their parents from directions. See, the thing that sucks about driving in Dallas is that you can see your destination, but you have NO FUCKING CLUE how to get there. We circled around Six Flags a few times. "It looks lovely. It would probably be even lovelier if we could, oh, I don't know, here's a crazy concept, GO INSIDE."

When we finally made it to the entrance, the car erupted in cheers. SIX FLAGS!!! We parked in BFE and made our way to the entrance to begin our adventure. We decided that the first roller coaster we would go on would be an easy one, on account of me and Katelynn being complete and total wusses.


While we were standing in line to get on the ride, Katelynn started acting a little nervous, especially while watching the Mr. Freeze ride right next to our little rinky dink mine train ride. It was then that we discovered that Katelynn has never been on a real roller coaster. Like a flip you upside down and make you scream for the entire duration of the ride and leave your stomach back on the platform kind of roller coaster.

After the Runaway Mine Train, Andy and Emily declared that they would be riding Mr. Freeze. I immediately felt like I needed to throw up and prayed to the gods above that Katelynn wouldn't want to do it, so I didn't have to feel like such a little bitch for backing out. Thankfully, she said she would sit that one out, also, and we went to get drinks and smoke cigarettes like 15 year olds being oh so cool while we waited for them to get off the ride.



We stood by some lockers, talking and observing the ridiculous groups of people who were at Six Flags that day. First, we saw a group of emo hipster kids who were obviously dying from the heat in their long sleeved band shirts and knit hats and fake Buddy Holly glasses, but goddamnit, they are hipster and they MUST. SHOW. EVERYONE.

We saw those girls. You know the ones. The ones who have severe DEFCON 5 hurricane damage on the back of their thighs but still choose to wear booty shorts. The ones who make you want to puke because they buy their clothes in the junior section when they are all sorts of grown ass woman. The ones who wear spaghetti strap shirts with the brightest color bra they own because I'M WEARING A BRA EVERYONE LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME.

While we were standing there, group after group of stereotype walked by. "It's like God knows it's your birthday weekend, and this is his gift to you," Katelynn said. "Here you go, Sara... some stereotypes for your viewing pleasure."

We had been waiting for Andy and Emily for about 45 minutes when a woman on one of those motorized chairs pulled up. We were in the middle of a conversation when it happened.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

She was backing up.

You know when you're in a meeting or at school, and you're not supposed to laugh, but you can't help yourself, so your whole body just shakes while you're holding it in, and eventually one big loud GUFFAW escapes. Yeah. That's pretty much exactly what happened. Not only because of the beeping, but because she totally almost plowed Katelynn down as she was backing up. MA'AM. THAT CART IS DANGEROUS. CALM. DOWN.

After about an hour and a half of waiting, I convinced Katelynn that we should just leave Emily and Andy because I was tired and hot and grouchy. We started walking away, and the second we passed the exit line, we saw them.

Remember this timing. It will come up in a later post.

While we had been standing by ourselves, I'd convinced Katelynn that we should go on the Batman next.


This would be Katelynn's first real roller coaster. Even Andy had never been on a danging feet roller coaster. We were all pumped and ready to go!

(Aside:  In line, there was a group of high school girls in front of us with a mom. The poor mom looked so lonely and sad. Occasionally, she would turn her body to face us and interject a comment in our conversation or give me a "please let me be friends with you guys right now i'm so bored omgsaveme" smile. Poor mom.)

When we finally made it to the ride, Katelynn started panicking.

"I can just wait for you guys on the other side. I really don't think I want to do this. I think I'm just going to skip it."

Emily told Katelynn she didn't have to ride if she didn't want to.

Uh, fuck that shit.

I talked incessantly (so not that different than usual) so Katelynn wouldn't even have a chance to say she didn't want to do it. The whole time we made our way onto the ride and started buckling in, I rambled, trying to keep her from getting a word in.

"Katelynn, it's totally going to be fine. Trust me, I'm scared of heights, too. It's really no big deal. You're going to regret it if you skip this ride. It's a total rush, don't worry about it. Close your eyes and think of England."

When the employee came by to buckle our seat belts, Katelynn told him, "I don't think I can do this." "You'll be fine," he said in a monotone voice as he slammed her seat lock on. Guess she's going on the ride now.

I looked over at her, and her face was completely white. Katelynn doesn't lose her cool very often, but she looked terrified. She was gripping the hand rails so hard that her knuckles were white, and I thought she might puke. "Just close your eyes and hold on to the handlebars as hard as you can," I said. The ride jerked to a start and Katelynn let out a mini squeal of terror. "CLOSE YOUR EYES NOW," I practically screamed in her ear.

Batman is a very short ride, so when it ended ten seconds later, I immediately looked over at Katelynn. Her eyes were as wide as saucers, and her mouth was hanging open. She looked like she was in shock. I figured she either really, really loved it or she was going to destroy me when we got off the ride.

"So..... what did you think?"

"Oh. My. God. That was SO AWESOME. Let's do it again!"

Thus, a roller coaster lover was born. All she needed was a little tough love! After riding a few more rides and getting sunburnt beyond belief, we decided to head back to the hotel so we could shower and eat before the best part of the entire trip................


MEDIIIIEEEEVAL TIIIIIIIIIIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

19 comments:

  1. God I loe coasters. I could go on them all day and not be tired of them. And dangly-feet rollercoasters are the BEST! Have to go to six flags sometime, I guess!

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  2. YES, 9am is way early for a Saturday. Also, I do not understand people who don't love roller coasters. But after ny sister humiliated me, I will never again try to force anyone onto a roller coaster. If you want to sit and be lame while we're having fun then sucksforyooouuu. You are clearly a much better friend.

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  3. I am pretty sure that all GPS equipment should have a disclaimer stating "for entertainment purposes only".

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  4. 9 am is early for any day, even (especially) when I'm scheduled to be at work at 8 am.

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  5. Sounds like you guys had a great time. It's always fun when people who think they are scared of something actually end up loving it.

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  6. In Florida old ladies are always running people down on their scooters. It's Florida tradition.

    Six Flags is so broke they now pay you to go. Hy-oh! Feel free to use that line.

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  7. You came to Texas and you didn't notify us? WTF?

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  8. OMG this post was so hilarious! glad i stumbled on ur blog!!..rollercoaster rides are the bestest!!

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  9. SARA. I COULD HAVE MET YOU THERE DAMNIT.

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  10. You're in Dallas??!! I had no clue! I sent out a tweet asking if anyone was from there because I couln't remember!

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  11. I'm totes that person who's up at 3am solving world hunger before everyone else opens their eyes... It's like this horrible compulsion that I can't control.

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  12. This makes me realize how much I miss Cedar Point. It's only been like 2 summers since I've been there, but my gosh, it's the happiest place on earth. Forget Disney World. Cedar Point is where it's at.

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  13. OMG I love the way you tell this story so much! I am so there. My first rollercoaster I was all like, "Yeah, this is no big deal, I'm not even into cheap thrills," and then when I got off it I was like "OMG LET'S DO IT AGAIN!"

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  14. Okay, so i hate rollercoasters, but yet my sister got me on a 300ft skycoaster. Note the irony here.

    also "The ones who wear spaghetti strap shirts with the brightest color bra they own because I'M WEARING A BRA EVERYONE LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME."

    OMG, I am so totally guilty of doing this. But its not because i want everyone to see my bra, its because i can't leave the house not wearing one and my strapless bra OMG PISSES ME OFF SO BAD.

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  15. You.Are.Hilarious..end of story.

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  16. I actually worked a summer at six flags when I was 15. Kind of ruined six flags for me forever.

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  17. I discovered I liked scary upside down rollercoasters by accident. It wasn't until I was hanging upside down that I realized they weren't so bad. From then on, I was a roller junkie. There's one at Cedar Point that looks like the big one Andy went on, except I think it might be a little bigger. 120 MPH, 200 feet tall, straight up and down-- BOOM. I did that shit. I might've passed out while waiting in line. I might've blamed it on heat stroke. Still, I waited extra long in line so I could get the first seat. It was badassity.

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  18. Oh man. The Batman ride pic made me think of this horror story from Six Flags Over Georgia.

    A church youth group came to enjoy the park. Normal.

    Then, one of the guys in the group loses his hat on the Batman ride and decides to climb over not one, not two, but THREE massive fences - each with signs on them that say things like, "DANGER! HIGH VOLTAGE" and "DO NOT ENTER!" - to retrieve the hat. The coaster, in the middle of a cycle, comes speeding down the track and knocks the kid's head clear off.

    CLEAR. OFF.

    What. the. Eff!

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