Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Sara Does Dallas: The Road Trip Begins

Friday, work dragged by as slowly as an old woman with a walker in front of you in line at the DMV. Luckily, I got to leave a few hours early to get everything we would need for the trip. You know, the usuals:  Dr. Pepper, cash, a huge ass bottle of rum. Necessities and shit. I also had time to get my hair butchered by a hairdresser who had to have been blind in one eye, possibly in both and also made me listen to story after story about her insanely creepy family. I needed a vacation after that shit, y'all.

By the time we loaded up the car, stopped for a quick dinner, and actually left town, we were only an hour behind schedule. Which is a HUGE accomplishment for people like us, in case you didn't know. While we were in the car, I told Emily and Katelynn that they would need to help me pick out a one hit wonder themed song for the Karaoke Ring of Death next month.

Emily:  What about Mambo No. 5?

Me:  Meh.

Emily:  Closing Time?

Me:  Someone did it already.

Emily:  What about that pussy song?

Me:  WHAT. THE. FUCK. Play me this song immediately.

And that is how we found the theme song for our road trip. Katelynn and I made sure to learn as much of the chorus as we could in order to constantly sing "SHOW ME YOUR PUSSAAAAY" when people were least expecting it, like in lines at Six Flags or walking down the hall in our hotel.

By the time we made it to our hotel, we were just ready to get upstairs and start getting our drank on. When I booked the hotel, I only put down that two adults would be staying because sometimes there are extra fees for more than two people, and I'm all about lying to save money. Andy and I went up to the front desk to get our keys and told Katelynn and Emily to stay in the car so we could all sneak up together.

First of all, that hotel was AMAZING. The guy behind the desk was possibly the most polite person I've ever spoken to in my life. I made a really awful joke when I was checking in, and he even laughed. DUDE, THAT WAS NOT EVEN A LITTLE FUNNY. Also, he offered me a warm chocolate chip cookie and when he handed it to me, he said in the softest, most calming voice I've ever heard:

There's nothing like a warm chocolate chip cookie after a long car ride.

It was so sweet, it was borderline creepy.

But goddamn it, he was right. That cookie was delectable. (Hey cookie! You are delectable!*) After convincing Katelynn multiple times that we would not be rounded up by the Gestapo if we were caught with more than two people in our hotel room, we made it upstairs and found that we had a kick ass smoking balcony, so we wouldn't have to go downstairs every single time we wanted to infiltrate our lungs with black death.

(The next morning, we were sitting in our hotel room getting ready when I read the sign on the balcony door out loud. "No smoking on balcony or in hotel room." Um....)

Also, Katelynn presented me with my birthday gift, which was even more amazing than I could have imagined:

We also severely violated a swantowel for about thirty minutes. There are pictures, and now none of us can ever run for political office. When we flipped back through them the next day, we were almost ashamed of ourselves. We just went through them super fast so we wouldn't feel depressed about the people we've become. Swan rape is not a joking matter, y'all.

After making a swan feel like it needed a cold shower and illegally smoking cigarettes on the balcony for quite a while, we decided to slumber peacefully in preparation for our long Saturday at Six Flags and Medieval Times.

To be continued....

*Just for you, SSSS

**The hotel we stayed at was the Doubletree Hotel in Dallas, Texas, located on Market Center Boulevard. It was beautiful and clean and quiet and the guy behind the desk will laugh at all your really awful jokes which is always a win in my book. I am in no way being compensated for this post, which is pretty obvious considering I confessed to doing more than one illegal thing in the hotel. But for reals. That place was the bomb dot com. (YES, I DID.)


  1. More car rides should be followed by free cookies. Last fall, a friend of mine went to Boston and her hotel had free cookies every afternoon. They should really advertise this on travel sites - they already advertise free breakfast, what's one more item in the amenities column?

  2. I feel like that swan did, now that I've listened to this song. I'm highly disturbed, yo, like for real.

    And "There's nothing like a warm chocolate chip cookie after a long car ride" made me giggle so hard. I think I'll start saying, "there's nothing like a warm chocolate chip cookie," in front of random things.

    Because that's what friends do.

    In the penis.


  3. I've never had a warm chocolate cookie after a long car ride! I think I want to go to that hotel JUST for the cookie.

    Also swan rape is usually the other way around. Ask Leda.

    Can't wait to hear about Medieval times!

  4. As much as I love you, I don't think we could ever hang out. In public, at least. I am SO EASILY embarrassed.

    When you said "that pussy song," two songs immediately came to mind, and this was neither. Who knew there were so many songs about pussy?!

  5. I WANT THAT BOOK. If only for the the caption, "Not affiliated with the Snuggie corporation, but highly aroused by it."

  6. The Snuggie Sutra pic is awesome!!! Waiting to hear about the medieval times :D

  7. I totally wish I could roadtrip with you, it sounds like it could be educational AND illegal. That is a combination that is hard to come by, and your southern accent makes it THAT MUCH BETTER. Your blog is excellent for making me chuckle when my work stack is threatening to cover me up and bury me as a education coffin.

  8. Wow, you were right by me! I live in Irving, which isn't far from the area you were in. Hope you had tons of fun! :)

  9. "There's nothing like a warm chocolate chip cookie after a long car ride." That's incredibly and surprisingly sexy. I want to say that to Ben now...

  10. Wow just when I thought I had everything I needed you show me a book for having sex with snuggies and now I feel incomplete.

    So I think that it might be a good idea for me to purchase that.

  11. Ah, the Snuggie Sutra. Clearly a book of our times.

  12. Geez.

    The first desk guy was totally hitting on you.

    He was talking about YOUR warm cookie tasting good after a long drive.

  13. Everytime I see of gestapo, I think of gespaco, which in turn makes me hungry, but then un hungry because I don't understand the lure of tomato soup at all. Like V8. A drink of vegetables? Who's idea is that? Why wound't I just knock myself out with this eggplant?

    The point? Dallas is lovely.

  14. So so so you're totally going to show us some scans from that book, right? 'Cause I mean we're totally missing out here. Btw, you're a tease if you don't. And nobody likes a tease.

    PPS: Are we still doing that? Oh, no? Okay.

  15. That song is fanfreakintastic. Now I feel all dull for picking Ice Ice Baby.

  16. How about swan rape IN a snuggie.........?

  17. I love Doubletree hotels and their amazing cookies.

    The swan probably would have felt more comfortable if the snuggie had been involved (as Josie suggested)

  18. 1) Good job at recapping the first night highlights. But you forgot about the police chase and the creepy guy that wandered over to Katelynn.

    2) The swan was asking for it! You saw the way it just let its ass hang out.

  19. First of all...Lords of Acid kick ass and bring me back to my youth. (Shit I'm sounding old)

    What the ffff...there's a SnuggieSutra?!? *facepalm*

  20. Norman Bates also gave out chocolate chip cookies...

  21. I'm going to pass this along to all of my friends that I'm visiting in the next few months so they know that if Lola and I are crossing the country to visit them, the least they can do is bake me some damn cookies.

  22. Borderline creepy?

    I'd say that's well past the creepy line. Five minutes after handing you the cookie, he was behind the desk creating a Sara Shrine and asking the cleaning ladies to pee on him.

  23. seriously...i wish i was fucking you.

  24. So the warm chocolate cookie after the long car ride line made me think of that line in Mallrats when Bankie goes up to Claire Forlani's dad and says,
    "Why, sir! Would you like CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZEL?" and proceeds to hand him the pretzels with the fingers that, two seconds before, were up. his. butt hole.

    I'm not saying that cookie wasn't delectable. I'm just telling you where my head goes. I'm going to watch a movie about angels and do-gooders to try and make me feel better about myself now.

    But before I go.


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  26. Lords of Acid! Yes this was a theme song for me and my bestie back in the day! Who can resist the nasty lyrics and hard hitting bass.

  27. I think if I ever road trip across America, I'm taking you with me.