Thursday, March 17, 2011

Mardi Gras Was a Fail

The weekend before last was Mardi Gras, and the Super Secret Sunday Society decided to go, since I haven't been to a parade since I was in elementary school. Everyone was at my house Friday night, as we made our plans for Saturday's festivities.

What we planned on happening: 

Meet at my house at 10 AM. Drive to Walmart. Buy chairs to sit in while we wait for the parade to start. Find our Mardi Gras parading spot. Day drink until we are wasted and the parade rolls by and boobies start popping out and we catch lots of free beads and go home to puke.

What actually happened:

Best Friend and Sister-in-Law didn't leave my house Friday night until 2 or 3 AM. And Andy and I didn't go to sleep until 6 AM. Because we were... watching old movies and eating ice cream and talking about Baby Jesus.... ahem. So the next morning at 9 AM, I might have maybe turned my phone off in my sleep for some strange reason my phone alarm didn't go off at all because there's really no other explanation for it on account of I'm always super amazing with keeping track of time and getting out of bed.

(Aside:  Andy wakes up first every morning, and then he wakes me up 30 minutes after. It usually takes him about 15 minutes just to get me out of bed, because I kind of spend a lot of time rolling around in the covers, stretching, making weird noises, taking pictures of him while I shout "Paparazzi! Paparazzi!" etc. etc. I'm obviously a really awesome get-out-of-bed-er.)

So when I woke up at coughoneintheafternooncough, I had four missed calls and several text messages asking if I was dead or not. Luckily, Katelynn and Emily had taken care of the going to Walmart part of the plan when they realized that Andy and me were dead to the world still. Except... Emily and Katelynn are like men when it comes to going to the grocery store, apparently. Because they walked inside Walmart and immediately forgot what they were there to purchase. When they got back to my house, they had a king cake and some beads. The kind of beads that are thrown FOR FREE at the parade.

Luckily, they showed up right when my groggy drunken ass was finished getting ready, and we hit the road. Emily instructed us to go to Walmart, so we could buy the chairs. After fighting through crowds and crowds of people and caution tape and crawfish and rednecks, we finally made it to Walmart. We walked inside, got a buggy, and Emily looks at me and says, "So what are we at Walmart for?"

After a rather long ordeal in which we chose not to spend a millionty dollars on chairs and had to stop to go to the bathroom and moved on to another store and finally bought some damn chairs, we were ready for day drinking and Mardi Gras'ing to begin.

We camped out by the car, and Andy went to get the crawfish and al-al-al-alcohol. When I was little, I always had a lot of trouble eating crawfish. Peeling them is a tricky business, y'all! And those bitches aren't cheap. It was $20 for this tray of them.

After eating a few of these bad boys, we remembered that eating crawfish is a messy business, and we needed a bucket and some paper towels. Which is obviously when we sent Andy back to Walmart, because there is no way I was fighting my way back in that damn place. And when he got back, there may or may not have been zero crawfish left because us three fatties devoured the shit out of them. And then Andy may or may not have yelled at us for eating all the crawfish while he was gone doing us a favor.

After eating crawfish, the only thing left to do was get wasted with the daiquiri and cooler of beer. We set up our awesome amazing chairs, and prepared for the long wait. Except that it was fucking freezing. Like 50 degrees freezing. 50 degrees in Louisiana = OHMYFUCKINGGAWD WHY IS IT SO FREEZING OUT HERE?

We all pretended not to be bothered by it for a little while, by yelling, "DAY DRINKING" as often as possible and planning our future Dallas trip and making fun of random passerby. But slowly, we lost people. Katelynn was the first to give up and move to the inside of the car with the doors and windows closed. Emily was next, moving at the speed of light to get back in the car. Before I even knew what happened, we were all in the car, with the chairs loaded in the back and the heat on.

Emily joked, "Well, we could all just go back to your house and day drink instead of standing out here in the cold."

We all laughed, and there was a pause.

Emily: "So.... Do y'all just wanna go back to your house and day drink?"

Let's recap what all we went through in order to get to Mardi Gras in the first place:
  1. Trip to Walmart for king cake and beads
  2. Waking up late and rushing to get ready in time to make the parade
  3. Going to Walmart for the 2nd time to get chairs that were never purchased
  4. Standing in line for the Walmart bathroom for about ten days, give or take
  5. Buying chairs from another close-by store
  6. Buying crawfish and daiquiris
  7. Going to Walmart for the 3rd time for paper towels and a bucket
  8. Waiting for Mardi Gras for TWO HOURS
So we formulated some math equations, and this is what we concluded:

Drinking at Mardi Gras and being cold as shit < Drinking at home, with the heater on

See ya next year, Mardi Gras!

Next Stop:  Dallas mini-road trip for my birthday! Hello Medieval Times and Six Flags, it's been far too long.


  1. I have no fucking clue what that food is, but it looks heinous. Seriously.

  2. Also it looks like two penies might buried underneath all those crabby things.

  3. *be. Every time I comment on your post I end up misspelling or leaving words out. I'm not sure why, other than to convince the world that your best bloggity friend is a moron.

    Also, I've now left 3 back to back comments which might mean that the world is right.

  4. You don't know what a POTATO looks like?! Florida really is a whole other world...

  5. i'm with lorraine...i don't think i could handle the crawfish thingys. i'm even adventurous with food. i just don't think i could take off their little leg thingys.....ew.

  6. Okay, first i think Crawfish look like little red cockroaches. I mean ewwwwwwww, and i hate to watch people eat them cause i mean sucking the meat out of their tails and all. Yuck

    Also we sell them at my job and you could probably get like twice that amount for 20 bucks here but thats cause its not LA during Mardi Gras, so they aren't ridiculously overpriced.

  7. We got some for cheaper at a restaurant after we left. :) They were WAY cheaper and way more delicious.

  8. I agree your potatoes look like penises and they do not have crawfish in Michigan either, I'm pretty sure.

    Hilarious post by the way.

  9. Mardi Gras, much like St. Patrick's Day, feels like more effort than it's worth to me. Unless someone is providing a keg & maybe making some green food, like cupcakes & eggs (NOT TOGETHER, PELASE), then I'm probably just going to be like, "Wooo! Look at everyone else having fun!" & hope for better next year, & so one & so forth, until I'm too old to properly celebrate anymore.

  10. What the fuck is a crawfish? Is that like a super shrimp or something? It looks scary and like it can attack that little ball that hangs in the back of my throat, possibly leaving me dead.

  11. Different world my ass. I know what penises look like in Florida okay? And it resembles your potato. I have comment back up, yo. ;)

    You ate the potato, didn't you? YOU DID. You swallowed and all. *giggle*

  12. Yeah I've had a few adventures like that ....seems like an utter FAIL but then turns into fun times with the heat on. Oh and booze. Copious.

    No crawfish though. ew.

  13. When we moved from Mandevile to stupid fucking Georgia, my dad's family all came up from New Orleans this one time and the men made crawfish. I decided to rescue one and he became my pet. I made my mom put him in a cardboard box and I picked grass to feed him. But, of course, as little kids do, I got bored and went to do something else. When I came back, the box was on its side and my pet crawfish was GONE.

    It took me about 15 years to realize that he didn't run away like my dad told me. We totally ate him. =[

  14. I really need to come up with something other than LOL for times like these. I just snorted really loudly at work, thanks to that last sentence.

  15. Crawfish look like great red prawns, or yabbies, or something else that I wouldn't eat unless I could no longer see its beadie little eyes staring back at me.

    Any time I try to eat seafood that still has its face on, I feel like it's looking into my soul, begging my forgiveness for whatever it did to deserve being cooked with that much garlic.

  16. Please tell me you at least are the King Cake?

  17. I hate waiting in line when I'm drinking, because it always takes forever and in drunk time that's even longer. And drinking at home is always more fun, I think. Probably because you don't have to wait in line for the bathroom!

  18. Those craw fish look fucking disgusting.

    But I think you made the right call. You already got what you went there for anyway: blogging material.

  19. I don't know what Jennifer Kay is on, but we definitely have crawfish in Michigan. They're just effing disgusting, and I wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole. Kind of how I feel about you sometimes... ♥

  20. If it makes you feel any better, we have crawfish in Oregon, and they're yummy, haha.

    At least there was still drinking involved! =D

  21. Who waits in line for the bathroom at Wal-Mart? That's just crazy. I go find a quiet aisle in the crafts section and do my business in the yarn.

  22. ummm... still you experienced something when you went out..

  23. I would totally pay 20 bucks for that right now. Then again I've got some friends coming over for basketball and day-drinking so it'd really hit the spot. I love day drinking, even though I'll be asleep by like 10 tonight.

  24. Ah, Mardi Gras. I was actually pretty bummed that I missed it this year, and then I read your post and remembered what it was REALLY like.

    And now I want crawfish. And I don't even like them that much. :(

    It's strange the things you miss.

    (But I'm pretty sure that not enjoying Mardi Gras is a sign you're a grown up, even if you choose to go home and Day Drink)

  25. Man...this just makes me want some Mardi Gras Nachos. Damn it I miss that restaurant.

  26. I understand that about the weather, I live in NM but im from CO. It always makes me laugh when the weather dips below 55 and everyone breaks out all the winter attire. I've always preferred day drinking at home to day drinking anywhere else, that way one person doesn't have to be the only idiot thats not day drinking.

  27. Oh my gosh Sara, you are so hilarious. I would have totally ate all of the crawfish too, so don't worry. Actually, I don't know if I would because I've never had them, so they could taste bad for all I know.

  28. What does crawfish taste like? Crab? Lobster? Other?

  29. Medieval Times still exists? I'm more upset that my Revolutionary Times idea didn't take off with people shooting muskets and wearing powdered wigs while yelling, "Bloody Good Show."

  30. don't me me eat that when I visit you please.

    If it makes you feel any better the parade in Boston for St. Paddy's day it was in the high 30s. Freeezzzzinnnng!!!!

    I love your "paparazzi" idea ha ha ha.

  31. *make me. Not me me. good one.

  32. I have not been day drunk in such a long time it nearly makes me weep.

  33. So... are crawfish just really weird prawns?

  34. I fucking love crawdads! They are so delicious. They're kind of nasty to eat because you see the whole animal and it's like you're heading a miniature squid with a shell, but when you close your eyes and suck out their innards, it's heaven!