Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Sara Does Dallas: The Road Trip Begins

Friday, work dragged by as slowly as an old woman with a walker in front of you in line at the DMV. Luckily, I got to leave a few hours early to get everything we would need for the trip. You know, the usuals:  Dr. Pepper, cash, a huge ass bottle of rum. Necessities and shit. I also had time to get my hair butchered by a hairdresser who had to have been blind in one eye, possibly in both and also made me listen to story after story about her insanely creepy family. I needed a vacation after that shit, y'all.

By the time we loaded up the car, stopped for a quick dinner, and actually left town, we were only an hour behind schedule. Which is a HUGE accomplishment for people like us, in case you didn't know. While we were in the car, I told Emily and Katelynn that they would need to help me pick out a one hit wonder themed song for the Karaoke Ring of Death next month.

Emily:  What about Mambo No. 5?

Me:  Meh.

Emily:  Closing Time?

Me:  Someone did it already.

Emily:  What about that pussy song?

Me:  WHAT. THE. FUCK. Play me this song immediately.

And that is how we found the theme song for our road trip. Katelynn and I made sure to learn as much of the chorus as we could in order to constantly sing "SHOW ME YOUR PUSSAAAAY" when people were least expecting it, like in lines at Six Flags or walking down the hall in our hotel.

By the time we made it to our hotel, we were just ready to get upstairs and start getting our drank on. When I booked the hotel, I only put down that two adults would be staying because sometimes there are extra fees for more than two people, and I'm all about lying to save money. Andy and I went up to the front desk to get our keys and told Katelynn and Emily to stay in the car so we could all sneak up together.

First of all, that hotel was AMAZING. The guy behind the desk was possibly the most polite person I've ever spoken to in my life. I made a really awful joke when I was checking in, and he even laughed. DUDE, THAT WAS NOT EVEN A LITTLE FUNNY. Also, he offered me a warm chocolate chip cookie and when he handed it to me, he said in the softest, most calming voice I've ever heard:

There's nothing like a warm chocolate chip cookie after a long car ride.

It was so sweet, it was borderline creepy.

But goddamn it, he was right. That cookie was delectable. (Hey cookie! You are delectable!*) After convincing Katelynn multiple times that we would not be rounded up by the Gestapo if we were caught with more than two people in our hotel room, we made it upstairs and found that we had a kick ass smoking balcony, so we wouldn't have to go downstairs every single time we wanted to infiltrate our lungs with black death.

(The next morning, we were sitting in our hotel room getting ready when I read the sign on the balcony door out loud. "No smoking on balcony or in hotel room." Um....)

Also, Katelynn presented me with my birthday gift, which was even more amazing than I could have imagined:

We also severely violated a swantowel for about thirty minutes. There are pictures, and now none of us can ever run for political office. When we flipped back through them the next day, we were almost ashamed of ourselves. We just went through them super fast so we wouldn't feel depressed about the people we've become. Swan rape is not a joking matter, y'all.

After making a swan feel like it needed a cold shower and illegally smoking cigarettes on the balcony for quite a while, we decided to slumber peacefully in preparation for our long Saturday at Six Flags and Medieval Times.

To be continued....

*Just for you, SSSS

**The hotel we stayed at was the Doubletree Hotel in Dallas, Texas, located on Market Center Boulevard. It was beautiful and clean and quiet and the guy behind the desk will laugh at all your really awful jokes which is always a win in my book. I am in no way being compensated for this post, which is pretty obvious considering I confessed to doing more than one illegal thing in the hotel. But for reals. That place was the bomb dot com. (YES, I DID.)

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

My Heart Is Obese, But My Ass Is Not

"Sara.. I always thought you were lean but recently I saw your pics on your blog and God.. you are heavy"

I try to keep some things private, for the sake of myself and my friends/family and my readers. Certain things are just really hard to talk about. Other things I hide for my own personal reasons. But you guys have all come a long way with me. We've been on this blogroadtrip (that's what it feels like anyway) for over a year, and somehow we haven't all stabbed each other yet. So it's time I finally came clean. This is what I actually look like:


I know that a lot of you are probably really insecure after seeing how amazing I look in this picture, which is the exact reason I never wanted you to know. I've always been sure to remind myself to photoshop my face on some heavy girl's body every time I need to post a picture. It's an exhausting task, but I feel that it's necessary to relate to the little (or not-so-little) people. (ZING! See what I did there? Did you? Yeah?)

It's hard being this beautiful, but somebody has to do it. Otherwise we'd all be staring at fat people all day which is SO GROSS OMG EW. I obviously don't speak to those people because I'm far too beautiful for that, but I will approve of them glancing in my direction for just a moment, because I know it probably makes their entire day worthwhile. I'm a good citizen like that.

In conclusion, my heart is obese, but my ass is not. I'd like to end with a quote from Glozell.

"You know what? I don't even know why I'm working out. I'm finer than frog hair combed four ways."
Sexily yours,

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Mardi Gras Was a Fail

The weekend before last was Mardi Gras, and the Super Secret Sunday Society decided to go, since I haven't been to a parade since I was in elementary school. Everyone was at my house Friday night, as we made our plans for Saturday's festivities.

What we planned on happening: 

Meet at my house at 10 AM. Drive to Walmart. Buy chairs to sit in while we wait for the parade to start. Find our Mardi Gras parading spot. Day drink until we are wasted and the parade rolls by and boobies start popping out and we catch lots of free beads and go home to puke.

What actually happened:

Best Friend and Sister-in-Law didn't leave my house Friday night until 2 or 3 AM. And Andy and I didn't go to sleep until 6 AM. Because we were... watching old movies and eating ice cream and talking about Baby Jesus.... ahem. So the next morning at 9 AM, I might have maybe turned my phone off in my sleep for some strange reason my phone alarm didn't go off at all because there's really no other explanation for it on account of I'm always super amazing with keeping track of time and getting out of bed.

(Aside:  Andy wakes up first every morning, and then he wakes me up 30 minutes after. It usually takes him about 15 minutes just to get me out of bed, because I kind of spend a lot of time rolling around in the covers, stretching, making weird noises, taking pictures of him while I shout "Paparazzi! Paparazzi!" etc. etc. I'm obviously a really awesome get-out-of-bed-er.)

So when I woke up at coughoneintheafternooncough, I had four missed calls and several text messages asking if I was dead or not. Luckily, Katelynn and Emily had taken care of the going to Walmart part of the plan when they realized that Andy and me were dead to the world still. Except... Emily and Katelynn are like men when it comes to going to the grocery store, apparently. Because they walked inside Walmart and immediately forgot what they were there to purchase. When they got back to my house, they had a king cake and some beads. The kind of beads that are thrown FOR FREE at the parade.

Luckily, they showed up right when my groggy drunken ass was finished getting ready, and we hit the road. Emily instructed us to go to Walmart, so we could buy the chairs. After fighting through crowds and crowds of people and caution tape and crawfish and rednecks, we finally made it to Walmart. We walked inside, got a buggy, and Emily looks at me and says, "So what are we at Walmart for?"

After a rather long ordeal in which we chose not to spend a millionty dollars on chairs and had to stop to go to the bathroom and moved on to another store and finally bought some damn chairs, we were ready for day drinking and Mardi Gras'ing to begin.

We camped out by the car, and Andy went to get the crawfish and al-al-al-alcohol. When I was little, I always had a lot of trouble eating crawfish. Peeling them is a tricky business, y'all! And those bitches aren't cheap. It was $20 for this tray of them.

After eating a few of these bad boys, we remembered that eating crawfish is a messy business, and we needed a bucket and some paper towels. Which is obviously when we sent Andy back to Walmart, because there is no way I was fighting my way back in that damn place. And when he got back, there may or may not have been zero crawfish left because us three fatties devoured the shit out of them. And then Andy may or may not have yelled at us for eating all the crawfish while he was gone doing us a favor.

After eating crawfish, the only thing left to do was get wasted with the daiquiri and cooler of beer. We set up our awesome amazing chairs, and prepared for the long wait. Except that it was fucking freezing. Like 50 degrees freezing. 50 degrees in Louisiana = OHMYFUCKINGGAWD WHY IS IT SO FREEZING OUT HERE?

We all pretended not to be bothered by it for a little while, by yelling, "DAY DRINKING" as often as possible and planning our future Dallas trip and making fun of random passerby. But slowly, we lost people. Katelynn was the first to give up and move to the inside of the car with the doors and windows closed. Emily was next, moving at the speed of light to get back in the car. Before I even knew what happened, we were all in the car, with the chairs loaded in the back and the heat on.

Emily joked, "Well, we could all just go back to your house and day drink instead of standing out here in the cold."

We all laughed, and there was a pause.

Emily: "So.... Do y'all just wanna go back to your house and day drink?"

Let's recap what all we went through in order to get to Mardi Gras in the first place:
  1. Trip to Walmart for king cake and beads
  2. Waking up late and rushing to get ready in time to make the parade
  3. Going to Walmart for the 2nd time to get chairs that were never purchased
  4. Standing in line for the Walmart bathroom for about ten days, give or take
  5. Buying chairs from another close-by store
  6. Buying crawfish and daiquiris
  7. Going to Walmart for the 3rd time for paper towels and a bucket
  8. Waiting for Mardi Gras for TWO HOURS
So we formulated some math equations, and this is what we concluded:

Drinking at Mardi Gras and being cold as shit < Drinking at home, with the heater on

See ya next year, Mardi Gras!

Next Stop:  Dallas mini-road trip for my birthday! Hello Medieval Times and Six Flags, it's been far too long.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Karaoke Ring of Death: Alcohol, Y'all!

Looks like it's Karaoke Ring of Death time again, people! The theme for March was alcohol-related songs, whether that meant songs mentioning alcohol or songs you just love to sing drunk or songs from anti-meth commercials... well, people got pretty creative this round, to say the least. If you'd like to participate in the monthly karaoke lovefest next time, send me an email at tatorhead328 at yahoo dot com.

Unfortunately, this month I wasn't able to get a video done which means that NEXT month, I'm probably going to have to get naked to make up for missing a month of the blog ring that I created. Lame. Since I'm being a big losery loser this month, I made sure to snag a video that everyone would love for my page. Today, we are lucky enough to see a video made by two people that are quite possibly the most adorable two people on the planet.

Andy is possibly the most inappropriate person I have ever come across online, but he somehow never gets in trouble for it because he's also one of the funniesst people I've ever talked to in the 20sb chat. His blog is also hilarious and includes pictures of himself dressed up like a racist. Kisekae is beyond adorable. She wears bows all the time which automatically puts me in her fan club, and she's also an amazing writer. In fact, just now when I was going to find her links, I started reading her blog and couldn't stop for 15 minutes, even though I have tons of shit to do right now. You won't regret clicking over there and reading some for yourself. Without further ado, here is a video from Andy & Kisekae. The outfit changes alone are worth watching this video. Not to mention the fact that Andy gets pretty close to naked...

Check back later today to see the full list of karaoke singers and links! To see previous month's karaoke, head over to the Karaoke Ring of Death page at the top of my blog. And a special shout out to all the new people who joined this round. You were all amazing and sexy and turned your videos in on time, so let's make out later, ok? Ok.

Kandace with Like a Prayer
DB with Sweet Home Alabama
Alexandra with Pop Bottles
Bianca with All the Small Things
Daniella with I Love College
Amanda with Fuck Her Gently
Ginny with Telephone (AND she gets her friends in on it. LOVE.)
Alex with Alcohol
Shelly with El Scorcho
David with Closing Time
Jes with Don't Stop Believing
Coyote Rose with Last Name
Jimmie with My Own Worst Enemy
Heather with S&M (rawr)
TJ with Tequila Sunrise
Lorn with American Pie
Katie with Alcohol/Whiskey Lullaby
Nyx with Alcohol
Rio with Yeah 3x
J-Roll with Tribute
Lara with Meth/Oops I Did It Again
Tabs with Home for a Rest/Don't Cha/Summer of 69

More to come...

P. S. I'm going to Dallas for my birthday the weekend of March 25th - 27th. Which means that next month's karaoke idea needs to be INSANE because I will have back up from my best friend and sister-in-law (whether they agree or not) while we're in the hotel room after going to Six Flags and MEDIEVAL FUCKING TIMES. If you think Medieval Times is lame, you have obviously never been there with me.

P. S. S. If we could find a restaurant or something to have a mini blogger meet-up while I'm in Dallas, would anyone be interested? FYI: After drinking, I always put out.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Tuesday is a Whore But Kaylee Isn't

Anyone who says Monday is the worst day of the week is sorely mistaken. Monday may be the jerk of the week, but Tuesday is a whore, which is far worse. Jerks may be mean, but they don't give you the clap, imjustsayin. My Monday was lovely except OH YEAH, IT WASN'T AT ALL.

It started with some dickweed guy blocking traffic on the way to work yesterday morning, while he was pulling his oversized, piece-of-shit, lookatmelookatme boat around. And after he blocked traffic and brake checked me multiple times (I was riding close because we were in the right lane, and I was driving right next to a semi), I drove past him only to find him laughing hysterically at the fact that he was holding so many of us up at 7:45 AM.


Seriously. Who the hell gets joy out of infuriating other drivers? Whoever those people are, they should be stabbed in the foot and forced to sit through my Business Law teacher's PBS sounding monotone voice for the rest of their lives. NOT COOL, Y'ALL.


So the main point of this post isn't just to call Tuesday a whore but to ask for y'alls opinion on my new blog badge. My dear friend Kaylee (whose blog is hilarious and includes drawings that are so badass, they should be professional) made me a few blog badge examples, and I am so in love that I couldn't possibly choose one. Which is why I must ask for your help, people of amazing taste. The doll theme was chosen because of the reason for the name of this blog, in case you were wondering. So which of these best represents my blog?

Option #1

Option #2

Option #3
 I've added a poll in the top right corner. Vagina and blow jay jokes will resume in 3, 2....

P. S. Thanks for all the happy bloggyversary wishes! I've had a blast this past year, and I'm not going to stop blogging anytime soon. Y'all are like my own little dysfunctional family on the Internet, drinking entirely too much Natural Light and getting the cops called on them once a month or so for being drunk and disorderly.