Thursday, January 20, 2011

Fuck You, Community

When I got home from school last night, there was a note on my door that said I needed to call the Bossier Sheriff's office in the morning concerning a civil matter. So obviously the first thing I did was start thinking back through all of the illegal things I've done in the past few months which means I panicked and thought I was going to get arrested and sent to jail to be ass raped by a former bus driver named Bertha for the next 5-10 years of my life.

But three minutes later, I drank a beer and completely forgot about the note, the sheriff's department, and the ass raping.

Cut to this morning.

I woke up late, as usual, and was leaving my house at 8 AM (the time I'm supposed to be at work, sitting in my cube, doing worky type things). I just happened to see the note sticking out of my purse, so I decided to call on the way to work.

"Hi, I was supposed to call this number and speak to Detective Thomas about something?"

"Yes, I needed to get in touch with you because you're due in court today."

......................................................................

What the fucking fuck?

Turns out, I was supposed to be a witness in a case I wrote about on my blog, in a post titled, You're Welcome, Community, that none of you probably read because only about 15 people with nothing better to do read my blog at that point. So just go over there, read that, and come back because I don't feel like explaining it again. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Done?

Okay, good.

So I was supposed to be in court at 9 AM, and it was already 8:15 on account of me being late. And not only did I have to make it to court, but I also had to go meet the police officer who decided to wait until the same goddamn day as court to tell me I had to be there and then act like I was doing something wrong by not being home between the hours of 8 and 5 Monday through Friday.

Seriously.

But I really, really hate that stupid dickface who stole money from me and lied to me about stealing money from me and who was caught on camera stealing fucking money from me and WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, SIR.

When I got to the courthouse, I took a seat in the back and waited for the show to begin. But of course I didn't realize that I would be sitting there for three hours, watching drunkies plead guilty to their DUIs all. goddamn. morning. Not to mention, the person next to me smelled like a large piece of rotting asshole. So, yeah, that was funsies had by all.

When they finally, finally, finally called the name for my case, there was silence. The lawyers glanced around, but nobody came forward. Because apparently the fat fuckface DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP. But wait! There's more! Not only did he skip his court date, he's planning on pleading NOT GUILTY to a crime that was caught. On motherfucking camera!

ALSJVOIAWEHJFOIJASDFOIVE MORE ANGRY NOISES RAWWRRR

Which means that now I have to wait for another court summons and have to take another day off of work to take care of this bit-ness. But since there was nothing I could do, I left to make the drive back to work.

Aside: On the way to my car, I got hit on by a thug. He was probably about to go inside and be arrested. Still flattered? Obviously.

After my long morning at court, I decided to crank up the music and enjoy my good mood drive to work, when I came to a light that was turning yellow and not leaving me much time to make it through.

And then? AND. FUCKING. THEN.

I slammed on my brakes hard to stop in time, and a bottle of orange juice in my back seat erupted like Dante's Fucking Peak was in my car. It was all over my windshield, my window, my door, my textbooks, and ALL. OVER. ME. I was covered in orange juice. Which I don't even like, btdubs. Which was only in my car because I had been sick the week before. Which makes me want to find whoever invented orange juice and punch him in the dick for making it smell so goddamn bad.

And now my entire car smells like I'm living in a Florida orange tree. Remind me to stab myself in the face on my drive home from work. That's probably the only thing that will distract me from the smell.

Apparently that's what I get for trying to help clean up the community. You're welcome FUCK YOU, Community.

38 comments:

  1. Look at the bright side, Sara: You don't have to worry about Scurvy, thanks to your vitamin C bath...

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  2. This is not the type of reward someone should get for doing good deeds. It did reward me with lots of laughter though, if that is any consolation, which I doubt it is.

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  3. I am truly in awe of your expertise in the ways of the four letter word. As my father said, "No good deed ever goes unpunished", which I am assuming is old fart speak for "Mind your own fucking business, boy." But I am merely paraphrasing...

    http://bdcmancave.blogspot.com

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  4. I have a story about getting charged with a crime I didn't commit and had to waste several days in court all for them to drop the charges due to no evidence. Fuck you community indeed. I hope your day gets better.

    Ps. A lot of women spend a lot of money so they can smell like tropical fruit.

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  5. That is UNCALLED for. I hate when ridiculous assholes make you pay the price for their stupidity. Also, I learned my lesson recently by trying to help a drunk, fully-unconscious-for-40-minutes, young kid (read: likely 17) and the second he was awake, the cops carried him away... in handcuffs! Lame.

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  6. Damn you lead such an exciting life. Mine seems boring next to yours.

    Maybe I need to come visit you.

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  7. Court fucking sucks.
    I had to go on Tuesday. I sat in he waiting room for 3fucking hours before making a five minute statement. Yeah, *great* way to spend a day.

    I hate the way orange juice smells when it gets warm. In fact, I had 'orange' flavoured meds once that have pretty well fucking ruined orange anything for me for life.

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  8. Wow. I don't know how you didn't rip that guy to shreds. As for the court thing? They really should've gotten a hold of you sooner. And then to have him not show up? That's fucked. So, did you end up getting your hundred back? Can you go after him for the cost of missing work too? Sorry that all of this shit is going on. On the bright side, it makes some great blog material.

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  9. court blows. That guy was a major dick for not showing up and wasting your time.

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  10. HAHAHAHAHA...I hate to laugh at your misery but, it's pretty funny. And really who am I kidding? The more miserable you are the better the posts are.

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  11. Dude, that sucks a lot. If it helps, my car smells too. I think something died in the hood of the car or...I don't know...something awful. So I left my window open and then it snowed like 4 inches which meant that it also snowed 4 inches inside of my car. It smells worse.

    Whitney

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  12. Oh it hurts...all the chuckling at my desk and trying to be quiet at the same time.

    Thanks. And Fuck You (Community)

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  13. I'm sitting at work quietly reading and then you had to go and say something like Dante's Fucking Peak and living in an orange tree and I busted up laughing. Bahaha, Now the jig is up. They know I'm reading your blog. Shit.

    Regardless, I hope they hang that fat ass that stole your money. Do they hang anymore? They should, he sounds gross-looking.

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  14. Well that is certainly one effed up story for the adventure book. I hope that asshole that stole your dosh gets what he has coming, along with a nice punch in the dick.

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/

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  15. Poor you. I don't like the sounds of any of this except when you and Andy went all apeshit on the guy in the storeroom. That is fucking awesome. Oh and being hit on a by a thug is cool too. You're clearly edgy and sexy in the very baddest of bad girl edginess sexiness ways.

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  16. But won't pleading guilt mean he gets a harsher sentence when he is convicted, which he will be, because caught-on-mother-fucking-camera, y'all?
    Silver linings! I bring them!

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  17. SSSUUUCK. i'm so sorry! tell me you're supposed to be getting your money back at least!!!

    but really, court? if he didn't even show up, he should totally be guilty in absentia, given that it's ON FUCKING TAPE!!
    sheesh, courts. get it right!

    aaand, when are you coming down to my turf??
    i wanna drink with youuuu!

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  18. Omg. I am so sorry, but I am laughing so uncontrollably right now. I thought my life was ridiculous, but shit. Maybe it's because I need to stop being a fucking hermit and/or mom.

    Fucking Florida orange tree. HAHAHAHA. I'm going to laugh my ass off all the way to the laundry room to gather Chicken's pukey clothes.

    You get down with those motherfucking Z-snaps, yo.

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  19. That's why I take justice into my own hands.

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  20. I've only been victim of a crime once. I was 14. So, every time I had to go testify/identify suspects, my mom had to come with. I'm sure she felt like you. Especially because one time coming out of court, I had my hand in her pocket, and she had a box cutter in there, and I didn't realize and I cut my own finger and blood was everywhere.

    Okay, maybe not the same. But I'm pretty sure she didn't like missing work.

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  21. FUCK YOU COMMUNITY for making Sara's day so awful, cause then she had to go and write this hilarious post, and now I'm laughing, with 15 fucking staples in my stomach from my surgery last week. I'm crying. I don't know if it's because I'm laughing or if it's because my staples hurt so fucking bad from me laughing.

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  22. I just have to say that in the original "You're Welcome, Community" post, I thoroughly enjoyed the "there he be" bit. Skinny white girl trynna be black at its finest.

    But WTF. At the very least, I think the store could've spared you the hundred bucks that was yours.

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  23. "You're Welcome Community" is one of my favorite posts from you of ever. Armadillo Dave still comes close so it's hard to decide.

    How's that OJ doing now? Rancid yet? :)

    Lor

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  24. Seriously??? If the defendant doesn't show up, shouldn't the court rule in your favor, or something like that? OR...or maybe someone already "took care" of your criminal... ::Italian Eyebrow Waggle::...

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  25. There are no words, only horror. =0

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  26. Oh.My.God. You win for bad days! What a fucking loser! I did find humor in his, "I have a job statement." Poor disillusioned dickwad!

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  27. Total fucking bullshit. I would be fucking livid (that's not the right fucking word) for months. What a fucking piece of shit the dude is for not even showing, and NOT GUILTY????. WTFF? Hope it all gets better soon.

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  28. Because you are so fuckin funny, I am giving you an award. Check it out. http://pushingthirtyy.com/2011/01/22/so-i-got-my-first-award-this-week/

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  29. I had to go to court once when to settle the matter of my stolen vintage bike. The two kids who took it got caught when they brought it to the shop where I bought it from. Duh. I hate idiots like that who take advantage of people. They always get caught, and then it's just a big headache for everyone else.

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  30. Wow, that's all I can say. Been there done that, but I was on the receiving side of the courts ill will.

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  31. I was afraid this was going to be about the show Community. That would have made me sad.

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  32. Oh, god. Court is the worst place to be. I had to go there for making an ill-planned out left turn and had to sit next to someone who reminded me of all the seedy parts of a casino town rolled into one.

    It was dumb.

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  33. when it rains it pours... but at least u got a good blog out of it right?!

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  34. All I can think of while reading this is that the Circle K reminds me of Bill & Ted and man titties. Ewww. Oh and you getting ready to fuck a bitch up with massive man titties.

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  35. you, all covered in orange juice? yeah. I'm turned on.

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