Friday, January 7, 2011

Ho, ho, ho! I'm a whore!

Guess what epic event is coming up next month? That's right! My first year anniversary with this blog! I'm planning on making it a big fucking deal, kind of like Diddy's White Party. Invite only. Except you're all invited, so I guess we all win. If you have any fun ideas for me to do for my anniversary, let me know. I'm going to try to get Andy involved, but I make no promises. He's kind of a dickhole sometimes.

As I'm sure you've seen in my video, I've had the plague of sickness for about a week straight. I thought about stabbing myself in the face to take my mind off the pain, but I decided it would probably be a seven deadly sins kind of thing to take this beauty away from the viewing public. Plus I'm pretty sure God and Baby Jesus have enough dirt on me without one more thing. When they play my sins on the big screen when I die, I have a feeling God won't find it quite so humorous when I'm laughing my ass off about that one time me and my friend sucked all the color off of a bunch of Sprees and asked the younger kids on the bus if they wanted a mint. Baby Jesus might find it kind of funny, though. (He's the one with the wicked sense of humor.)

I'm pretty sure my sickness started when I didn't sleep at all Christmas Eve night. Andy, his sister, and I left for Oklahoma at about 3 in the morning because we're super geniuses and didn't want to get stuck in any traffic. We all switched off driving, but I am all sorts of against sitting in the backseat by myself which means that I had to promise to stay awake the entire time to entertain the driver by giving road head talking. (Okay, y'all, ew. Just ew. My sister-in-law was in the car. It was obviously a joke. Stopjudgingme.)

When we finally made it (seven hours later), I was just delirious. Andy had snoozed comfortably away in the backseat for a good portion of the ride (ugh, men), but the sister-in-law and I were living off Red Bull and coffee and crack from homeless people. Every single thing we said was hilarious at that point. There was one thing in particular that was driving us into unstoppable giggles, and I plan to do a vlog about it because there's just no way I can do it enough justice with only words. (Drinking and vlogging tonight is a go!)

The first thing we got to do after arriving was open our presents and dig through our stockings. I haven't had a stocking in years because my mother is a Santa hater, so I was pretty fucking stoked to be able to have one this year. When my stepmother-in-law handed me my stocking, I noticed it looked a bit different from Andy's and his sister's stockings. See, their stockings had their names on them in huge, glittery, cursive letters. They were a bit worn from having been around for so long, but I could tell there were stories and memories surrounding those stockings.

Then I looked down at mine.

"And once you and Andy get married, you can have a permanent stocking like everyone else!"

................................

I have the whorey whore whore Christmas stocking.

Ho, ho, ho.

27 comments:

  1. Generic and interchangable. You say whore stocking I say smart and economical!

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  2. Do you think she meant to make you feel excluded? Maybe she just remembered to get a stocking for you the night before and didn't have time to bedazzle it? I'm trying to think positive here. At least it didn't have a big red A on the front!

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  3. Wow, on the bright side at least it didn't say "cheap whore my son is dating" or "Bitch who my son can't get rid of." Although, both of those are a little long to fit on a stocking

    also how can homeless people afford crack? I can't afford fast food.

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  4. The big red A! hahahaha

    She probably didn't think twice about it, actually. They're a pretty old fashioned family, like mine.

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  5. This is hilarious. My brother and sister and I have these old handmade knit stockings. Yours looks kind of like it belongs with a really nice Santa lingerie set.

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  6. HAHAHAHA nice! welp a whorey stocking is better the no stocking at all no? love your blog btw :)

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  7. Hahaha! It was nice of her to get you a stocking? Instead of getting my Boyfriend one too, my parents decided not to give any of us one. They're the whores.

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  8. At least you didn't wear Andy's shirt, sans panties, to the holiday festivities.

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  9. You're lucky you got that.

    When I brought a Girlfriend home for Christmas, she didn't even get a stocking. Apparently Santa thought her being with me on Christmas out of wedlock was naughty.

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  10. Oh, my god. I fucking love you. I love that I can type the word "fucking" in your comments section (while I breastfeed my 3-week-old baby, no less.) I love that you make my blog look like bubblegum. I love that Vita Brevis told me to follow you and that I listened.

    Hooooray!

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  11. Honestly, I think the blank stocking thing is a grand idea. I'm sick of every Christmas pulling out 8 of my ex's stockings just to find mine.

    From now on they're gonna WORK for a stocking.

    Though I think that this rule does not apply to you and you deserved your own stocking because you are amazing and my ex's are not.

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  12. I had one too for the first few years I dated my husband...and was afraid I'd have one this year too. Damn in laws.

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  13. bwwaahahaha! More like hoe-hoe-hoe!

    Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha!

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  14. Bahahaha! At least you GOT a stocking! My parents got my husband a thing of body wash and a sandwhich maker. I'm kind of ashamed, actually...

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  15. Think of it as a starter stocking. And remember the ho'ey naughty girls always get the most presents from Santa!

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/

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  16. This is the best ranting I've found in ages.

    Our family use pairs of tights that have been cut in two...

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  17. lol my Matt got the whorey whore whore stocking this year, too. same damn one.

    my brother and i have nice quilted ones from my great-grandmother... granted, those are quite hard to rustle up nowadays. since she's been dead for oh, since 95 or so.

    i think i'm going to make Matt his own (possibly actually quilted) stocking for next year or something... i really hate fake fur, most especially in red and white. gah.

    and anyways, when are you coming down this way? or am i gonna have to drive up there and MAKE you hang out with me?!?!??
    ; ]

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  18. I only ever got one stocking from my mother-in-law and it was a plastic grocery bag. To be fair so was everyone else's. So be thankful for your whore stocking. It beats a Safeway bag.

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  19. Whore stocking, there is nothing better.

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  20. Hope you are feeling better! Happy blogiversary!!! What to do? Hmmmm...anything I can suggest, you have already done!!! I am sure you will come up with something awesome!!!

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  21. I would have looked at the stocking and said, "Man, whaaat?"

    Lame. I say that you bring the most exquisite, pimped out stocking to Christmas next year. That shit better have lights.

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  22. How long can you live off of Red Bull and Homeless crack? It's an interesting question. i say you make a documentary to find out. Maybe call it.

    SuperCrack Me.

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  23. hahahah my grandma still insists on giving me chapstick while the rest of my family gets real presents in their stockings every Christmas. we can all guess who the family whore is.

    http://afterthemorningafter.wordpress.com

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  24. OHMYGOD.

    When I went to Florida, this totes happened to me.

    Only I was all giggly and cracked out BY MYSELF BECAUSE MY PASSENGERS WERE ASSHOLES AND SLEPT AFTER WE WENT TO DISNEY BECAUSE DESPITE ME BEING THE YOUNGEST OF THE GROUP THEY ARE BOTH FUCKING BABIES. UGH.

    Sorry, didn't mean to rant on your page.

    Also, We do the ho-ho-whore stocking too.

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  25. That is pretty unbelievable. If I were you, I would write a polite yet emphatic letter expressing your feelings on this type of treatment. (Mainly just to see how she’d passive aggressively respond – a whore Easter basket? A black Valentine? The possibilities are endless.)

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