Thursday, January 20, 2011

Fuck You, Community

When I got home from school last night, there was a note on my door that said I needed to call the Bossier Sheriff's office in the morning concerning a civil matter. So obviously the first thing I did was start thinking back through all of the illegal things I've done in the past few months which means I panicked and thought I was going to get arrested and sent to jail to be ass raped by a former bus driver named Bertha for the next 5-10 years of my life.

But three minutes later, I drank a beer and completely forgot about the note, the sheriff's department, and the ass raping.

Cut to this morning.

I woke up late, as usual, and was leaving my house at 8 AM (the time I'm supposed to be at work, sitting in my cube, doing worky type things). I just happened to see the note sticking out of my purse, so I decided to call on the way to work.

"Hi, I was supposed to call this number and speak to Detective Thomas about something?"

"Yes, I needed to get in touch with you because you're due in court today."


What the fucking fuck?

Turns out, I was supposed to be a witness in a case I wrote about on my blog, in a post titled, You're Welcome, Community, that none of you probably read because only about 15 people with nothing better to do read my blog at that point. So just go over there, read that, and come back because I don't feel like explaining it again. Go ahead, I'll wait.


Okay, good.

So I was supposed to be in court at 9 AM, and it was already 8:15 on account of me being late. And not only did I have to make it to court, but I also had to go meet the police officer who decided to wait until the same goddamn day as court to tell me I had to be there and then act like I was doing something wrong by not being home between the hours of 8 and 5 Monday through Friday.


But I really, really hate that stupid dickface who stole money from me and lied to me about stealing money from me and who was caught on camera stealing fucking money from me and WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, SIR.

When I got to the courthouse, I took a seat in the back and waited for the show to begin. But of course I didn't realize that I would be sitting there for three hours, watching drunkies plead guilty to their DUIs all. goddamn. morning. Not to mention, the person next to me smelled like a large piece of rotting asshole. So, yeah, that was funsies had by all.

When they finally, finally, finally called the name for my case, there was silence. The lawyers glanced around, but nobody came forward. Because apparently the fat fuckface DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP. But wait! There's more! Not only did he skip his court date, he's planning on pleading NOT GUILTY to a crime that was caught. On motherfucking camera!


Which means that now I have to wait for another court summons and have to take another day off of work to take care of this bit-ness. But since there was nothing I could do, I left to make the drive back to work.

Aside: On the way to my car, I got hit on by a thug. He was probably about to go inside and be arrested. Still flattered? Obviously.

After my long morning at court, I decided to crank up the music and enjoy my good mood drive to work, when I came to a light that was turning yellow and not leaving me much time to make it through.


I slammed on my brakes hard to stop in time, and a bottle of orange juice in my back seat erupted like Dante's Fucking Peak was in my car. It was all over my windshield, my window, my door, my textbooks, and ALL. OVER. ME. I was covered in orange juice. Which I don't even like, btdubs. Which was only in my car because I had been sick the week before. Which makes me want to find whoever invented orange juice and punch him in the dick for making it smell so goddamn bad.

And now my entire car smells like I'm living in a Florida orange tree. Remind me to stab myself in the face on my drive home from work. That's probably the only thing that will distract me from the smell.

Apparently that's what I get for trying to help clean up the community. You're welcome FUCK YOU, Community.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Karaoke Ring of Death: Fuck!

This month's karaoke theme was any song with the word "fuck" somewhere in the lyrics. I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting one. I also have a feeling Baby Jesus is not going to be happy about my planning such an unholy event. My video is going to be on Lorraine's blog today, Late to the Party, because my poor friend Aly is snowed in. We're having some serious weather issues here right now, too, so I feel for you. But hey, my video is on another best bloggity friend's blog, so I'm still happy.

The video on my blog today is brought to you by Alexandra at The Tsaritsa Sez (or Sex, if you're like me and spell it wrong the first time every time). This video includes adorable dancing and jumping around and the song is one that makes you want to dry hump somebody in the backseat of your car. Links will be posted to everyone else's videos as they get posted.

We had another blogger drop out, so I get to have Christina's song on my blog today, too. I like that every month on karaoke night, I have a threesome going on over here. Christina blogs over at Christina in Wonderland, and you should definitely go read her blog when you're finished watching her video. Without further ado:

I don't know why I continue to do these things. I'm not cute like all you other bitches and man-hoes, and I cannot, I repeat, cannot sing. Anyway, I chose this song for a couple of reasons, mostly because I super love Liz Phair's early music, and because I can't for the life of me sing the Matson Jones song I *wanted* to do, "New York City Fuck Off."

So, instead, you get "Fuck And Run," which is also totally sung atrociously, but FUCK YOU I DO WHAT I WANT! I'm sorry, babies, I love you all. Anywho, my lovelies, uh, I did sort of an intro before the video itself, and I did captions this time, to let you know when it's time to push the mute button or whatever.

Peace. Out.

Other Karaoke singers:

Shelly with Fuck Her Gently
Bianca with Clint Eastwood
Lost with Too Many Mother Uckers
Mandy with I Just Don't Give a Fuck
Jami with Closer
Tabs with Last Resort
Owen with Creep
Lorraine with Makes Me Wonder
Rio with Little Lion Man
Ginny with Fuck You (Cee-Lo)
Kandace with I Almost Told You That I Loved You
Jes with Fuck You (Lil Kim)
Me with Thursday Night
Jimmie with Fuck You (Lily Allen)
Daniella with A Easy Mmm K
Cassie with You Oughta Know
Lily with A Millie

Thanks to everyone who participated for making this the biggest (rawr) and best karaoke ring yet!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Ho, ho, ho! I'm a whore!

Guess what epic event is coming up next month? That's right! My first year anniversary with this blog! I'm planning on making it a big fucking deal, kind of like Diddy's White Party. Invite only. Except you're all invited, so I guess we all win. If you have any fun ideas for me to do for my anniversary, let me know. I'm going to try to get Andy involved, but I make no promises. He's kind of a dickhole sometimes.

As I'm sure you've seen in my video, I've had the plague of sickness for about a week straight. I thought about stabbing myself in the face to take my mind off the pain, but I decided it would probably be a seven deadly sins kind of thing to take this beauty away from the viewing public. Plus I'm pretty sure God and Baby Jesus have enough dirt on me without one more thing. When they play my sins on the big screen when I die, I have a feeling God won't find it quite so humorous when I'm laughing my ass off about that one time me and my friend sucked all the color off of a bunch of Sprees and asked the younger kids on the bus if they wanted a mint. Baby Jesus might find it kind of funny, though. (He's the one with the wicked sense of humor.)

I'm pretty sure my sickness started when I didn't sleep at all Christmas Eve night. Andy, his sister, and I left for Oklahoma at about 3 in the morning because we're super geniuses and didn't want to get stuck in any traffic. We all switched off driving, but I am all sorts of against sitting in the backseat by myself which means that I had to promise to stay awake the entire time to entertain the driver by giving road head talking. (Okay, y'all, ew. Just ew. My sister-in-law was in the car. It was obviously a joke. Stopjudgingme.)

When we finally made it (seven hours later), I was just delirious. Andy had snoozed comfortably away in the backseat for a good portion of the ride (ugh, men), but the sister-in-law and I were living off Red Bull and coffee and crack from homeless people. Every single thing we said was hilarious at that point. There was one thing in particular that was driving us into unstoppable giggles, and I plan to do a vlog about it because there's just no way I can do it enough justice with only words. (Drinking and vlogging tonight is a go!)

The first thing we got to do after arriving was open our presents and dig through our stockings. I haven't had a stocking in years because my mother is a Santa hater, so I was pretty fucking stoked to be able to have one this year. When my stepmother-in-law handed me my stocking, I noticed it looked a bit different from Andy's and his sister's stockings. See, their stockings had their names on them in huge, glittery, cursive letters. They were a bit worn from having been around for so long, but I could tell there were stories and memories surrounding those stockings.

Then I looked down at mine.

"And once you and Andy get married, you can have a permanent stocking like everyone else!"


I have the whorey whore whore Christmas stocking.

Ho, ho, ho.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Giveaway Winner (Finally)

I finally got to use my brand new desk in my brand new redesigned office to film this video. Enjoy! Hope you don't catch my plague through youtube... Also, the second video TOTALLY gives it away regarding who the winner is. Stupid internet. Also, the sound is kind of off compared to the video but OHMAIGOD I FEEL LIKE DEATH so just move on from that. I'll be in the bathroom puking if you need me.