Thursday, December 16, 2010

Vaginal Napkins and Slutty Shirts

First of all, if you haven't seen our 90s karaoke or showtunes karaoke, you need to. Second of all, next month's theme looks like it's going to be any song you can think of with the word "fuck" in it. This is a pretty broad category, so no excuses, you whiny bitches. If you don't want to say the word fuck (weird), you can always bleep it out. It's a blast, and Andy is making us buttons! If you want to join, email me at tatorhead328 at yahoo dot com.

Oh, and I put a poll up about what kind of vlogs y'all like best. I've had a ridiculous amount of fun making them. (No, seriously. It's beyond normal.) Also, if you're on 20sb, we plan on having a get-drunk-and-chat night on Saturday. It should be pretty incredible because I'm all about the Four Lokos this weekend and will probably forget half of what I do/say.

Also, I got to Skype last night for the first time ever. It was kind of like going on a first date except that we couldn't go for the yawn, sneeze, boob grab on account of being hundreds of miles away from each other. Let Down City, Population:  One. On the good side, it wasn't anywhere near as awkward as I expected. That might have had something to do with the two beers I drank right before. Oh, and Andy sat off to the side the whole time, shaking his head at us. He's SO jealous.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Andy and I started dating in October 2008. The day before Thanksgiving, I went over to his house to watch movies and hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes and that's ALL, okay, Mom? So I might have ended up staying the night, obviously sleeping in a different room because it would be sinful to even be in the same room with the door closed after midnight, so says Baby Jesus and the Mormons.

So Thanksgiving afternoon, I woke up panicking about the fact that I only had one set of clothes, and they were not exactly appropriate for a holiday meal with the family.

"Maybe I could just wear this shirt?" I said, holding up Andy's long sleeved too-large shirt that I had slept in the night before. "If I wear it with jeans and tuck it in and wear a belt, maybe it will look like it was meant for a girl?"

Hint:  That shirt absolutely, in no way, shape, or form, looked like it could ever be anything other than a "I fucked my boyfriend last night and all I got was this stupid boy shirt" shirt. (Remind me to post a picture of this shirt later because I totes still have it.)

When I walked in my mom's house, I was prepared to gorge myself on delicious holiday food and then run as fast as I could to my car before anyone realized I hadn't helped with dishes at all. The immediate response from my mother was a "Hey, how are y...." when she trailed off and stared awkwardly at my shirt, obviously at a loss for words. "Is that........ is that a man's shirt?" she asked suspiciously. "Pfffffft! Oh, Mom. Ohhhh, you. Don't be ridiculous." And then I stuffed a handful of bread in my mouth and ran away before the wrath of her laser beam premarital sex zapper eyes could turn me into a nun.

On another note regarding things that happened at the beginning of my relationship with Andy, sometimes things happen concerning vaginas that aren't all that attractive. Like hairy bushes or smelly vaginas or infections. And sometimes people have to buy things for the infection problem like sanitary napkin things. Totes normal.

One day, I left my perfectly normal, no, it's not weird at all, stopjudgingme, napkin things in the work bathroom. After sleeping at Andy's house one weeknight (having totally innocent pillow fights and drinking hot cocoa until bedtime at which point we went to separate rooms and dreamed of Jesus and love), I woke up to a text message from the boyfriend himself. (He got to work earlier than me.) The text said, "Someone left their vagina wipes in the bathroom at work! Haha! How embarrassing!"

FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK. FUCK FUCK.

(There goes my Adsense approval!)

I texted back something like, "HA HA HA Sooooo embarrassing HA HA I would totally die if that was me let'sstoptalkingaboutthisnowplease."

And it took me over two years to finally tell Andy this story. It's almost unfair how classy I am, y'all.

25 comments:

  1. As for vadge wipes...well....I don't have those. I do, however, use those wet-wipes because I think it makes the doodie process much easier. A wipe or two with those, plus a little TP, and you're good to go. People made fun of me in college for having them, then before you know it everyone was using them.

    In regards to Thanksgiving, I'm typically too high to notice what anyone else is wearing. Enjoy the drunken 20sb chat!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I really wanna see this shirt. Please post photos!!

    Last night was sexy. But it's super lame that we have to pay to have a video three way? Wtf, Skype?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Haha! I agree, post the shirt. And thanks for making my day. =D

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm excited for the drunken 20sb'ing...if I'm available that night. Hectic party schedules, you know. P.s. I FINALLY made a 20sb account today, hoorah!

    Also, the ad on the side of your blog has something to do with 420. Accuracy: check.

    Also also, you should come to Pittsburgh.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have to say moms of a "mamas boys" are the hardest to please. I know cause I am one.
    God help any girl my soccerboy brings home. Just sayin

    AS for the poll I voted twice. Cause I like the "sex Tape" idea and also seeing anything with Andy in it.

    : )

    Your too funny. Keep it coming.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh my God...Top That? LOVE.

    I don't really give a *shoulder thrust* about tryin to top that!

    I know I'm days late AND on the wrong blog for this comment, but I don't give a *shoulder thrust* about commenting in the appropriate spot.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I want to be you. Seriously. LOVE. You. (Not in a creepy stalker way of course.)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ha ha ha, wow. I am sitting in a meeting right now and trying to pretend that I am listening to what everyone else is saying, while trying to not break out in laughter.

    This is hard...

    Love this!

    ReplyDelete
  9. "Watching a movie" was this past decade's code for fucking. True story.

    Yeah mom, we're going to the basement to "WATCH A MOVIE!" = "We're going to the basement to fuck so in case you decide to check on us, we'll have time to hear you walking to the door, opening it, and coming down the steps which equals more time to pull up our pants and act like NOTHING is more interesting than...oh shit, what movie were we watching?"

    ReplyDelete
  10. Drunk chat! Drunk chat! <-- That's pure excitment there ma'am. Can we also sexy text on the side? This is the stuff dreams are made of.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Your mom and my mom are probably the same person. She would probably make me take my Thanksgiving dinner home so no one would smell the sex on me.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Two years? TWO?! That's incredible. What did he say?

    ReplyDelete
  13. He laughed and then made a face like he was rethinking our relationship.

    I'm pretty sure that's not a good sign.

    For serious, though.... TWO YEARS. I'm a damn good secret keeper.

    ReplyDelete
  14. this is the best story. i love you.

    -vanessa-
    thechinncredibles.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh my God, I have a networking event on Saturday night! NO!!!!! Please change this, or do another one just for me.

    PS- this is the greatest story ever. PPS- why am I not on your blogroll? WTF. You shall receive no pie.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Well Swear A LOT, that's a fucking riot.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh Sara! How you crack me up!! Two years?? I'm totally open about my "woman issues". Trust me. I figure if they can handle hearing about all the wonderful stuff we, as women, have to deal with on a regular basis (seriously, something I EAT has the ability to change the whole chemical balance down there??? WTF, God??), then they may be worthy of enjoying all the fun stuff. Of course, I wasn't ALWAYS like this... I used to be of the mindset that no man should ever have to hear about these things.. that he should believe that the vagina is a wonderful place tended to by fairy's when we're all sleeping. But alas, I've come to realize that they better learn how hard we have to work to keep up the "special area", so they can fully appreciate all the work and effort that go into maintaining the playing field!! :)

    Oh, and FYI: I'm totally high on pain meds right now since I managed to completely screw up my back last week. So if I don't make any sense right now, that's why!

    Also, am I still allowed to sign up for 20sb, even though I'm just barely 30? Or did I miss the train on that one? ;) (Growing older SUCKS)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Damn good secret keeper. AHAHA you crack me up!

    ReplyDelete
  19. These are the most touching holiday stories I've read yet this year!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. OMFG, Sara! No you didn't? How the hell could you forget and leave your vag wipes in the work bathroom? I swear that it so fucking hilarious.

    Yes, I'm laughing AT you. Because I doubt you're currently laughing right now. Your life is so much funnier than mine. You lucky skank. :)

    Also, I think sex tapes is going to win the vote, by, like, a whole shitload. As well it should. You'll become the Kim Kardhasian of bloggers and become famous because you have a sex tape.

    And I might send those sexy ice cream eating pics of Andy to you, for a price. I'm thinking about turning my mad stalker skills into mad paparazzo skills. Think it could happen?

    ReplyDelete
  21. ah, fuckit.
    if boys wanna have sex with girls, then they get all the shit that comes with!

    anyways, i left a note for you over at my blog re: Xmas and how i don't hate you. : ]

    ReplyDelete
  22. That's probably more embarrassing that someone coming across the turd you THOUGHT had been flushed down the toilet... only to find out that it hadn't.

    ReplyDelete
  23. hmm, so i have to wonder. i kinda probably shouldn't ask because i don't have one (i'm in the process of working up to it because holyshit do i follow a ton of people!) but, can i join your blogroll pretty pretty please, oh lovely one?!?
    <3

    ReplyDelete
  24. My roommate told me this weekend that she (for a solid year) didn't understand that "feminine hygiene wipes" were for your vadge--she had been hoarding them and handing them out to people as if they were sanitizing wet-naps. But they were, in fact, vadge towels.

    I'm not sure which story is worse.

    ReplyDelete