Thursday, December 2, 2010

Christmas Trees = Divorce

So last week, I thought I was failing all my classes and I was all SCHOOL IS AWFUL AND MY LIFE IS OVER AND FUCK THIS SHIT I'M TOTES QUITTING AND NEVER LOOKING BACK SO TAKE THAT, SCHOOL. Except then yesterday, I realized that I'm actually not failing my classes, and there's a 90% chance that I'm going to pass every single one of them even though I fucked off for 3/4 of the semester and then I was all "Um, just kidding, school! Let's get coffee or something!" And that is the story of how me and School got back together.

I was sexcited about this new knowledge and told Andy that I would need a Christmas tree to celebrate. And he took out a flaming arrow, dusted it off, looked me in the eye, and shot me straight in the heart. (This is the part where Andy says, "REALLY?" super loudly AKA "Woman, why are you exaggerating so goddamn much and while you are up, make me a sammich." That's right. When you translate Andyspeak, he becomes a sexist.) At least, that's what it felt like when he told me we couldn't get our Christmas tree until the 10th because otherwise it would die early and all the ornaments would fall off and other made up things that he made up just so I couldn't have my Christmas tree and by the way, did I tell you these things are just made up?

Luckily, I have amazing conversation skillz, yo. And all it took was some pouty face in the corner for a few minutes until Andy sighed super loud and was all, "Are we going to go?" with raised eyebrows that signified I needed to push him out the door immediately before he changed his mind.

So we went to pick out our tree at the local home improvement store because I don't do fake trees on account of my mom making us use a fake tree every year and my Christmas hopes and dreams being shattered on account of there not being a Christmasy tree smell in my house. We chose a fairly small one (five feet) because our living room ceiling isn't really that tall and because I'm far too lazy to decorate an eight foot tall tree. (Hello? It's me we're talking about here.) The guy who wrapped our tree up asked us if we wanted anything done to it, and I was like "RAWR" except I didn't yell it, I just said it very quietly and he laughed and laughed (at least that's what I imagine he would have done if he had actually heard my whispers) (because I'm hilarious) (right?) (riiiiiiight?) (oh, forget y'all).

When we got it home, we set it up and spent the first 30 minutes saying, "Get away from that tree!" and "That tree is NOT for peeing!" and "Fuckity fuck fuck, Penny Lane, GET AWAY FROM THAT TREE." After that, we realized life would be much easier if the dogs went outside while I decorated. I strung the lights up with Andy's help and was all proud of how fast I had finished when I stepped back to look at the whole tree and realized that the lights were all lopsided and my tree looked like it had Down Syndrome.

When I said it had to be redone, Andy, the queen of the passive aggressive sigh, starting helping me restring the lights. But when I'm decorating a Christmas tree, I'm kind of like a crackhead on more crack than usual, and I just ended up shouldering him out of the way until he just stood there, looking sad and underused and I started to feel bad. Jerk.

Since he was making me feel guilty and shit, I did what any loving fiancee would do and told him to sit on the couch because this Christmas Lightsorama was going to be a while and I didn't want him to be signing divorce papers by the fifteenth time we were restringing lights.

Three restringing parties later, I just gave up and said fuck it, this will do the lights were perfect! And I'm pretty sure Andy still likes me a little! Yay Christmas!

Our tree looks very pretty and has a lopsided star on the top ("It makes it look like an exclamation mark," I told Andy), a black candy cane in the very front (I made it in kindergarden and my mom never let me put it on the front of our tree), and an "our first Christmas" ornament that my mom got us that has a picture of two people kissing. I do not know who these two people are, but it looks like they had a wonderful first Christmas, and if it was a picture of mine and Andy's actual first Christmas, we would probably be making fuck-this-expensive-christmas-bullshit faces.

Can I also mention how silly men are right now? Because Andy put one, wait a second, let that sink in, ONE ornament on the tree and immediately said/yelled, "I helped decorate the tree! December 1, 2010! I helped! Remember that!" and then he yawned and sat on the couch looking quite tuckered out from that exhausting tree decorating job.

All in all, our tree is awesome even if it is a little lopsided and has a crooked star on top, and a black candy cane right in the front.

Oh, and I've decided that Christmasex should be a word.

Also, have y'all noticed that I still have my Halloween header up? And no one has called me out on it? I'm like that house on the street who leaves their Christmas lights up all year round. I'm working on a new one, okay? Get off my back, jeez.

P. S. We're doing another karaoke blog ring in December, and the genre is "showtunes". If you want to join in, send me an email or something! (And by "or something" I do mean what you think I mean.)


  1. hahahah you're hilarious. I am jealous of your beautiful real tree. Mine is fake because I won't be near my apartment around Christmas. My parents use a fake one too. I think when I'm spending Christmas at my own home they will ALL be real.

    I cannot believe you had the patience to restring 3 times. Actually scratch everything I just said... I HATE stringing lights and will forever have trees with lights already in them. NOW if only they already had garland.

  2. SHHH I have a fake one set up but didn't find enough glass garland. DAMN IT! I am hopeless. All that's left is a candle that smells like pine tree people will NEVER KNOW!

  3. Mike refused to get a Christmas tree and when I went behind his back last year and bought a fake 4-footer (I know! I felt like I was spitting in Christmas's face!) and decorated it myself and he didn't even ooooh and aaaaah over it! Dumb.
    Next Christmas, I vow to do whatever it takes to get a Christmas tree. A real one. That's at least 6 feet tall. Hmpf.

  4. My most favourite part from your blog EVER has to be this:

    "Because Andy put one, wait a second, let that sink in, ONE ornament on the tree and immediately said/yelled, "I helped decorate the tree! December 1, 2010! I helped! Remember that!" and then he yawned and sat on the couch looking quite tuckered out from that exhausting tree decorating job."

    I can't wait to find the snow spray. Snow spray is AWESOME, and it pisses my mom off so BAM two birds with one stone! Rarr!

    And pouty face in the corner GETS THINGS DONE. I know this.

  5. I hate fake trees!!!

    My friend just told me this morning her and her husband put up a fake tree a couple weeks ago because he cried about the fact that he's allergic to real ones...when I heard this I called bullshit, who is allergic to christmas trees???

    well apparently this morning he was all crying and complaining that he wants to go chop down a real christmas tree and decorate it...AKA he's a fucking liar and allergies are bullshit...he just didn't want to be bothered with the tree at the time and now he's all interested...too late!!

  6. I love that andy put on one ornament. Thats more than my stepdad has done in like the 15 years i have known him.

    Also, i love fake trees (cause i am totes allergic to trees) mostly because i can get them pre-lit so i don't have fight the stringing of the lights shit. I mean it is the second pain of christmas.

  7. Real tree or nothing, that's what I say, although we haven't had a real tree in two years, opting instead for this blow-up version my mom sent me.

  8. I like that your Halloween header is still up. It's the best holiday of them all. Please don't take it down. You will dash all of my hopes and dreams that Halloween will consume Thanksgiving and Hanukkah and Xmas and last three whole months.

    Dream killer.

  9. Fake trees are as good as fake orgasms, but not quite as good as fake boobs, which aren't as nice as real boobs, but are probably better than real Christmas trees. What were we talking about?

  10. Christmasex? CHIRSTMASEX?

    I have no idea what this could be. My poor wife gets her period in mid-October and it doesn't let up until the end of January.

  11. I love your method of persuasion. Also, I think you're doing so well in school because of everything you've learned in the 20sb chatroom.

    I hate when Jews get fake white Christmas trees and call them a "Hanukkah Bush." It's like buying a Menorah and calling it a "Christmas Candlestick" or some shit.

  12. You still have your Halloween header up, asshole. Take that shit down, it's Christmas!


  13. Pouty face in the corner will only work for so long. Better get all the use out of it while you can. One day he's just gonna role his eyes and keep sitting there watching Wheel of Fortune and eating Cheetos.

  14. You're not "Christmas" until you have an 8-foot penguin in your living room, ho.

  15. I'm so glad you said something about the Halloween header. Because I'm Type A anal with a bold motherfucking capital A!! this was bothering me. I'm sorry. I'm just so grateful something new is on it's way. I get all tight when people I DO NOT EVEN KNOW leave their Christmas decorations up, outside, past January 15th. It screams laziness.

    Wow, I'm a bitch.


  16. You're hilarious! I'm sorry that your tree turned into such a big ordeal, but it made for a very entertaining story and I'm even happier that it turned out alright in the end.

  17. The first Christmas Manfriend and I had ...his mother was here.

    Ok, ALL of the Christmas decorations including the fake tree (when you're only home for a week on Christmas..fuck the real tree. His brother doesn't do shit and isn't going to vacuum up the needles) are mine. His Mother tried to intervene with the tree decorating as he was sick with the flu on the couch. I wanted to stay BITCH BACK OFF (I was sick with the flu but not as bad AND just worked 24 days straight Ishityounot). However, I am smarter than that and watched my tongue.

    I was proud.

  18. Down Syndrome Christmas trees are the BESTEST. You know what else looks like it has Down Syndrome? This guy ------> :D

  19. You have ads now. That's awesome. I am very happy.

  20. I want a tree. I'm jealous. My husband didn't give in like Andy did. No fair.

    You totally made me scroll all the way up just to check the header was Halloween...

    It is.

  21. "...I fucked off for 3/4 of the semester and then I was all "Um, just kidding, school! Let's get coffee or something!" And that is the story of how me and School got back together."

    THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, except for the part where I'm still failing 1/4 of my classes. At least. Oops.


    Also also, I just realized I'm not on the list of your blog crushes....and I'm sad.

    Also, guess what I had seven of this evening (and am working on my eighth)?

  22. You and Risha both know that I'm in like sin this go round for the blogring.

    Also, I don't like Christmas. It makes me want to hunt and kill Edward Cullen. Wait. Never mind. I want to do that anyway.

    And Christmasex wasn't a word to begin with? here I come.

    Hehe. Cum...

  23. hell, just leave the halloween banner up. halloween all year!!! it's my favorite holiday anyway. that and thanksgiving.
    i have to confess to being a total Xmas grinch. it's true. i confess it.

  24. I had no idea you were in school! That may be my fault though because I have sucked at the blog thing lately (due to school). I wanna see a pic of your tree!!! We always get really tall trees and my hubbie sucks at doing man stuff like getting at the high places on the tree. So last year, I stuck a broom stick up the angel's ass and threw it at the top of the tree. She landed...crooked and much higher than the tree itself with the stick still up her rump...and that is how she stayed! I wonder what inventive crap I will have to pull this year!

  25. Damn. Now I have to send you something to RAWR at your christmas tree?!?

    PICATOORS of le Tree?!

  26. Found your blog through Bianca-
    Oh the trauma that Christmas trees cause!
    I enjoy all of your sexed up words.


  27. I know this was a post about your Christmas tree, but I have to comment on the part where you kissed and made up with school. I too am a student, and I'm at the point where I want to break up with school. Nice to hear there's hope...however in my case, if I don't get off your blog, and go study for my finals, there won't be any makeup sex. It's just be over...

  28. I'm happy to see you won't be doing Christmas songs in the karaoke blog ring. I couldn't even have watched that. But showtunes prevents me from participating because they are also against my personal beliefs, though not as strictly.

    Anyway, good luck with all that. Oh yeah, good post. I actually read it. Proof I read blogs sometimes.

  29. Ahhh, swearing. The refuge of true geniuses. And your use of the Triple Fuck was not wasted on this connoisseur of vulgarity. Well done...

  30. I have officially told everyone I know how hilarious you are and they need to follow you immediately.