I was sexcited about this new knowledge and told Andy that I would need a Christmas tree to celebrate. And he took out a flaming arrow, dusted it off, looked me in the eye, and shot me straight in the heart. (This is the part where Andy says, "REALLY?" super loudly AKA "Woman, why are you exaggerating so goddamn much and while you are up, make me a sammich." That's right. When you translate Andyspeak, he becomes a sexist.) At least, that's what it felt like when he told me we couldn't get our Christmas tree until the 10th because otherwise it would die early and all the ornaments would fall off and other made up things that he made up just so I couldn't have my Christmas tree and by the way, did I tell you these things are just made up?
Luckily, I have amazing conversation skillz, yo. And all it took was some pouty face in the corner for a few minutes until Andy sighed super loud and was all, "Are we going to go?" with raised eyebrows that signified I needed to push him out the door immediately before he changed his mind.
So we went to pick out our tree at the local home improvement store because I don't do fake trees on account of my mom making us use a fake tree every year and my Christmas hopes and dreams being shattered on account of there not being a Christmasy tree smell in my house. We chose a fairly small one (five feet) because our living room ceiling isn't really that tall and because I'm far too lazy to decorate an eight foot tall tree. (Hello? It's me we're talking about here.) The guy who wrapped our tree up asked us if we wanted anything done to it, and I was like "RAWR" except I didn't yell it, I just said it very quietly and he laughed and laughed (at least that's what I imagine he would have done if he had actually heard my whispers) (because I'm hilarious) (right?) (riiiiiiight?) (oh, forget y'all).
When we got it home, we set it up and spent the first 30 minutes saying, "Get away from that tree!" and "That tree is NOT for peeing!" and "Fuckity fuck fuck, Penny Lane, GET AWAY FROM THAT TREE." After that, we realized life would be much easier if the dogs went outside while I decorated. I strung the lights up with Andy's help and was all proud of how fast I had finished when I stepped back to look at the whole tree and realized that the lights were all lopsided and my tree looked like it had Down Syndrome.
When I said it had to be redone, Andy, the queen of the passive aggressive sigh, starting helping me restring the lights. But when I'm decorating a Christmas tree, I'm kind of like a crackhead on more crack than usual, and I just ended up shouldering him out of the way until he just stood there, looking sad and underused and I started to feel bad. Jerk.
Since he was making me feel guilty and shit, I did what any loving fiancee would do and told him to sit on the couch because this Christmas Lightsorama was going to be a while and I didn't want him to be signing divorce papers by the fifteenth time we were restringing lights.
Three restringing parties later,
Our tree looks very pretty and has a lopsided star on the top ("It makes it look like an exclamation mark," I told Andy), a black candy cane in the very front (I made it in kindergarden and my mom never let me put it on the front of our tree), and an "our first Christmas" ornament that my mom got us that has a picture of two people kissing. I do not know who these two people are, but it looks like they had a wonderful first Christmas, and if it was a picture of mine and Andy's actual first Christmas, we would probably be making fuck-this-expensive-christmas-bullshit faces.
Can I also mention how silly men are right now? Because Andy put one, wait a second, let that sink in, ONE ornament on the tree and immediately said/yelled, "I helped decorate the tree! December 1, 2010! I helped! Remember that!" and then he yawned and sat on the couch looking quite tuckered out from that exhausting tree decorating job.
All in all, our tree is awesome even if it is a little lopsided and has a crooked star on top, and a black candy cane right in the front.
Oh, and I've decided that Christmasex should be a word.
Also, have y'all noticed that I still have my Halloween header up? And no one has called me out on it? I'm like that house on the street who leaves their Christmas lights up all year round. I'm working on a new one, okay? Get off my back, jeez.
P. S. We're doing another karaoke blog ring in December, and the genre is "showtunes". If you want to join in, send me an email or something! (And by "or something" I do mean what you think I mean.)