Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Drunk Chat Night and a Giveaway!

Remember when I told you that we were going to have a drunken chat on Saturday night via the 20sb chat room? Yeah, that totes happened.

I signed on before I'd even taken my first sip of Four Loko, ready to start the night as soon as possible. The plan was that it would just be me and Andy home, watching MST3K while I drunk chatted away. Except somehow I ended up inviting my sister-in-law and best friend over because I apparently forgot what huge distractions those two bitches are.

I ended up surviving in drunk chat for approximately one hour. In that one hour, we played the most hilarious high school cheerleader game ever called Never Have I Ever. Have you ever played this as an adult? When we've all done everything, ifyaknowwhatimean? It really makes you feel like a Whores 'R Us. And I was actually drinking when I was supposed to be drinking like a real champ.

After realizing that my typing needed to be stopped on account of the millions of typos and exclamation points and butchered half smiley faces, I noticed that Lily was online. And that Lily has Skype. And I have Skype. And we were both drinking. And this became the Christmas miracle of the night.

I immediately Skyped Lily, and we e-met like a couple of drunk bitches in a bar. I was chugging Four Loko like a sorority girl, and she was chugging tequila STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE. I knew at this point that Lily was definitely going to be putting out at the end of our date.

All the details of Saturday night are a little fuzzy, so you might have to ask Lily (if she remembers), but I'm pretty sure I made an ass of myself several times by laughing hysterically at nothing. And at one point, we decided that Lily should play Waterfall with us. When I tried to prop the laptop on the couch next to me, my sister-in-law said, "WTF? Get her a chair, Sara!" like I was the one acting like a crazy person. So I dragged a dining room chair out of the kitchen just to place it next to the coffee table just to place Lily on it just so she could see the cards and play the game with us. Ridiculous, I tell you.

Everyone and their mom plays Waterfall differently. (For instance, my mom plays with no alcohol and instead of cards, she hands out punishments and disapproving stares.) So every time a five got pulled, I had to make sure Lily knew what it stood for by leaning into the laptop and yelling, "FIVE, LILY! IT'S FIVE! HIT YOUR HEAD!" which made for a really smooth game, obviously.

At one point, Lily got disconnected from the internet, and we gave up. Also, I puked at 5 AM. Classy as shit, y'all.

And here is the picture I promised you of "The Thanksgiving Shirt That Looks Absolutely Nothing Like a Girl's Shirt Ever In the History of Ever." I took this picture right when I woke up today because I love you which also explains the horrible quality and yucky bangs.

And now it's time for another blog giveaway! I purchased this badass hat and glove set from Erin at Ultra Cute Crochet. You can look at her other stuff here or here. It made it to my house super fast, and I'm in lurve. And she didn't pay me to say those things. (But I totes don't turn down free money, if you want to offer me a millionty dollars.) Andy keeps calling me a hipster because of my gloves, and I keep calling him a dickhole because I look adorable and warm.
And here's the hat I'm giving away!
My face is saying, "I really like this hat and don't particularly want to give it away. Sad panda." It's a very pretty blue, and it has a bow on the side and also it grants wishes and cures world hunger. Since it's almost Christmas and everyone is exhausted and broke as shit, all you have to do to enter the giveaway is leave a comment below. One entry per comment, and you can only enter up to 3 times because we don't want any greedy bitchezz round hurrrrr.

I'll be busy with three Christmases in two days this year, so I probably won't be writing much before the new year unless I die on the way to Oklahoma in a freak car accident in which case my computer will send out emails informing all of you about my death and giving you your speeches for my funeral and exact specifications about what panties I should be wearing. (These things are important, y'all.)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Vaginal Napkins and Slutty Shirts

First of all, if you haven't seen our 90s karaoke or showtunes karaoke, you need to. Second of all, next month's theme looks like it's going to be any song you can think of with the word "fuck" in it. This is a pretty broad category, so no excuses, you whiny bitches. If you don't want to say the word fuck (weird), you can always bleep it out. It's a blast, and Andy is making us buttons! If you want to join, email me at tatorhead328 at yahoo dot com.

Oh, and I put a poll up about what kind of vlogs y'all like best. I've had a ridiculous amount of fun making them. (No, seriously. It's beyond normal.) Also, if you're on 20sb, we plan on having a get-drunk-and-chat night on Saturday. It should be pretty incredible because I'm all about the Four Lokos this weekend and will probably forget half of what I do/say.

Also, I got to Skype last night for the first time ever. It was kind of like going on a first date except that we couldn't go for the yawn, sneeze, boob grab on account of being hundreds of miles away from each other. Let Down City, Population:  One. On the good side, it wasn't anywhere near as awkward as I expected. That might have had something to do with the two beers I drank right before. Oh, and Andy sat off to the side the whole time, shaking his head at us. He's SO jealous.


Andy and I started dating in October 2008. The day before Thanksgiving, I went over to his house to watch movies and hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes and that's ALL, okay, Mom? So I might have ended up staying the night, obviously sleeping in a different room because it would be sinful to even be in the same room with the door closed after midnight, so says Baby Jesus and the Mormons.

So Thanksgiving afternoon, I woke up panicking about the fact that I only had one set of clothes, and they were not exactly appropriate for a holiday meal with the family.

"Maybe I could just wear this shirt?" I said, holding up Andy's long sleeved too-large shirt that I had slept in the night before. "If I wear it with jeans and tuck it in and wear a belt, maybe it will look like it was meant for a girl?"

Hint:  That shirt absolutely, in no way, shape, or form, looked like it could ever be anything other than a "I fucked my boyfriend last night and all I got was this stupid boy shirt" shirt. (Remind me to post a picture of this shirt later because I totes still have it.)

When I walked in my mom's house, I was prepared to gorge myself on delicious holiday food and then run as fast as I could to my car before anyone realized I hadn't helped with dishes at all. The immediate response from my mother was a "Hey, how are y...." when she trailed off and stared awkwardly at my shirt, obviously at a loss for words. "Is that........ is that a man's shirt?" she asked suspiciously. "Pfffffft! Oh, Mom. Ohhhh, you. Don't be ridiculous." And then I stuffed a handful of bread in my mouth and ran away before the wrath of her laser beam premarital sex zapper eyes could turn me into a nun.

On another note regarding things that happened at the beginning of my relationship with Andy, sometimes things happen concerning vaginas that aren't all that attractive. Like hairy bushes or smelly vaginas or infections. And sometimes people have to buy things for the infection problem like sanitary napkin things. Totes normal.

One day, I left my perfectly normal, no, it's not weird at all, stopjudgingme, napkin things in the work bathroom. After sleeping at Andy's house one weeknight (having totally innocent pillow fights and drinking hot cocoa until bedtime at which point we went to separate rooms and dreamed of Jesus and love), I woke up to a text message from the boyfriend himself. (He got to work earlier than me.) The text said, "Someone left their vagina wipes in the bathroom at work! Haha! How embarrassing!"


(There goes my Adsense approval!)

I texted back something like, "HA HA HA Sooooo embarrassing HA HA I would totally die if that was me let'sstoptalkingaboutthisnowplease."

And it took me over two years to finally tell Andy this story. It's almost unfair how classy I am, y'all.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Karaoke Night: Showtunes!

You all remember last month's karaoke, right? If you don't, it was awesome, and it's happening again. Last month's theme was 90s, and this month's theme ended up being showtunes. I'm going to start off by saying PLEASE blame the Four Loko for my video. I take zero responsibility for this video. ZERO. I had to edit the shit out of that video just so y'all wouldn't make fun of me and throw an egg at my head instead of picking me up for prom and then I go inside and cry all night.

If you want to see mine (please don't), go visit Jami's blog. It isn't posted yet, so I'm really hoping that y'all will forget to go back and watch it. Everyone else's videos are amazing, and mine is..... lesbian trucker. You should probably just go to Jamie's blog and read the things she writes because they are much, much better than my awful video.

I get to host one of the only boy karaoke-ers. This is Lost from You Know What Really Grinds My Gears who, by the way, picked a great song choice. He is always hilarious and always adorable, plus he has an accent which means that 90% of the girls participating in this blog ring would bone him. Stopjudging.

Lost sings "I Feel Pretty" from Danger Mouse on Vimeo.

And thank God I got Jami's video in time to get it on here because it is amaaaaaaazing. Not to mention, she can actually sing unlike some of us. *ahem* (me). Check out her blog - the link is up there!

Thank you, Risha, for organizing this month. You're amazing.

I'll add links to everyone else's karaoke videos as they're posted:

Mandy Moore with Love is Strange
Michelle with Part of Your World
Ash with Going Through the Motions
Christina with Something to Sing About
Risha with Do-Re-Mi
Cassie with Circle of Life
Jes with Out Tonight
Shelly with I Enjoy Being a Girl
Alexandra with Hard Knock Life
Ginny with Something Better
Erin with One Song Glory
Tabitha with Any Dream Will Do
Kandace with The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow
Me with Top That
Bianca with When You're Good to Mama
Matt with Louder Than Words
Lauren with S.O.S.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Christmas Trees = Divorce

So last week, I thought I was failing all my classes and I was all SCHOOL IS AWFUL AND MY LIFE IS OVER AND FUCK THIS SHIT I'M TOTES QUITTING AND NEVER LOOKING BACK SO TAKE THAT, SCHOOL. Except then yesterday, I realized that I'm actually not failing my classes, and there's a 90% chance that I'm going to pass every single one of them even though I fucked off for 3/4 of the semester and then I was all "Um, just kidding, school! Let's get coffee or something!" And that is the story of how me and School got back together.

I was sexcited about this new knowledge and told Andy that I would need a Christmas tree to celebrate. And he took out a flaming arrow, dusted it off, looked me in the eye, and shot me straight in the heart. (This is the part where Andy says, "REALLY?" super loudly AKA "Woman, why are you exaggerating so goddamn much and while you are up, make me a sammich." That's right. When you translate Andyspeak, he becomes a sexist.) At least, that's what it felt like when he told me we couldn't get our Christmas tree until the 10th because otherwise it would die early and all the ornaments would fall off and other made up things that he made up just so I couldn't have my Christmas tree and by the way, did I tell you these things are just made up?

Luckily, I have amazing conversation skillz, yo. And all it took was some pouty face in the corner for a few minutes until Andy sighed super loud and was all, "Are we going to go?" with raised eyebrows that signified I needed to push him out the door immediately before he changed his mind.

So we went to pick out our tree at the local home improvement store because I don't do fake trees on account of my mom making us use a fake tree every year and my Christmas hopes and dreams being shattered on account of there not being a Christmasy tree smell in my house. We chose a fairly small one (five feet) because our living room ceiling isn't really that tall and because I'm far too lazy to decorate an eight foot tall tree. (Hello? It's me we're talking about here.) The guy who wrapped our tree up asked us if we wanted anything done to it, and I was like "RAWR" except I didn't yell it, I just said it very quietly and he laughed and laughed (at least that's what I imagine he would have done if he had actually heard my whispers) (because I'm hilarious) (right?) (riiiiiiight?) (oh, forget y'all).

When we got it home, we set it up and spent the first 30 minutes saying, "Get away from that tree!" and "That tree is NOT for peeing!" and "Fuckity fuck fuck, Penny Lane, GET AWAY FROM THAT TREE." After that, we realized life would be much easier if the dogs went outside while I decorated. I strung the lights up with Andy's help and was all proud of how fast I had finished when I stepped back to look at the whole tree and realized that the lights were all lopsided and my tree looked like it had Down Syndrome.

When I said it had to be redone, Andy, the queen of the passive aggressive sigh, starting helping me restring the lights. But when I'm decorating a Christmas tree, I'm kind of like a crackhead on more crack than usual, and I just ended up shouldering him out of the way until he just stood there, looking sad and underused and I started to feel bad. Jerk.

Since he was making me feel guilty and shit, I did what any loving fiancee would do and told him to sit on the couch because this Christmas Lightsorama was going to be a while and I didn't want him to be signing divorce papers by the fifteenth time we were restringing lights.

Three restringing parties later, I just gave up and said fuck it, this will do the lights were perfect! And I'm pretty sure Andy still likes me a little! Yay Christmas!

Our tree looks very pretty and has a lopsided star on the top ("It makes it look like an exclamation mark," I told Andy), a black candy cane in the very front (I made it in kindergarden and my mom never let me put it on the front of our tree), and an "our first Christmas" ornament that my mom got us that has a picture of two people kissing. I do not know who these two people are, but it looks like they had a wonderful first Christmas, and if it was a picture of mine and Andy's actual first Christmas, we would probably be making fuck-this-expensive-christmas-bullshit faces.

Can I also mention how silly men are right now? Because Andy put one, wait a second, let that sink in, ONE ornament on the tree and immediately said/yelled, "I helped decorate the tree! December 1, 2010! I helped! Remember that!" and then he yawned and sat on the couch looking quite tuckered out from that exhausting tree decorating job.

All in all, our tree is awesome even if it is a little lopsided and has a crooked star on top, and a black candy cane right in the front.

Oh, and I've decided that Christmasex should be a word.

Also, have y'all noticed that I still have my Halloween header up? And no one has called me out on it? I'm like that house on the street who leaves their Christmas lights up all year round. I'm working on a new one, okay? Get off my back, jeez.

P. S. We're doing another karaoke blog ring in December, and the genre is "showtunes". If you want to join in, send me an email or something! (And by "or something" I do mean what you think I mean.)