Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Jesus Christ, This Post is a Mess.

Okay, so I've obviously been MIA for a while. I blame the karaoke video. How the fuck could I top that? Btdubs, the next karaoke theme is going to be show tunes and OHMYFUCKINGGOD do I have the best song ever or what. (There was a hint in that paragraph on what song I'm doing. Maybe you can figure it out if you're supah smart. And maybe I'll send you a prize if you do it. And by it, I do mean what you think I mean.)

Just. Fucking. Wait.

Anyexcusesexcuses, I have finals next week which means it is ON after that. I plan on getting drunk and making lots of things grow, ifyouknowwhatimean. Except seriously because my bloggity friend sent me a box full of things that grow with water (and a little stroking probably).

Oh, and me and Andy have another bet going. We're both going to get prezzies for that Operation Santa thing, but don't be all "AWWWW y'all are the sweetest evah!" because this is totally selfish. I'm only doing this because I bet Andy that my present would kick all kinds of his present's ass. So I'm picking out an amazingly wonderful awesome cool girl present and he's picking out some stupid ass boy toy. (ifyouknowwhatimean?)

In other news, we went to Andy's mother's house for Thanksgiving, and she blessed me with the holy-est of all holy grails. She gave me........ HOME VIDEOS.

We started watching one of them, and it was all adorable and sweet and Andy with a baby lisp. And then? And then! His grandma was on the video rocking some daisy dukes, for reals, y'all. We were laughing about it while his grandpa filmed his grandma telling a story until grandpa apparently got sidetracked because he zoomed in on grandma's foot and started slowly panning up her leg and we were all "Um... what's going on..." until he panned all the way up to her VAGINA and we were all "OHMYGOD, MY EYES TAKE MY EYES PRECIOUS BABY JESUS, GRANDMA VAGINA AHHHHH" and then I'm pretty sure I died.

Also, my friend started a blog, and she was my little sister on danceline which probably means nothing to you mofos but it's special, goddamnit, so just accept it and move on. She wrote a post about Louisiana, and I liked it so I'm linking it and there's nothing you can do about it. If you leave a comment, tell her I said hi on account of she lives in Kansas for right now and I haven't seen her in about twenty thousand years (that's only a slight exaggeration).

I feel like this blog post is super hostile. But I'm on my period which exempts me from all charges, I'm pretty sure.

Oh, and I added some ads on the right side, so if you see something that interests you, clickity click it and you can donate pennies to the that-bitch-needs-a-goddamn-haircut fund. And then Adsense can yell at me because I'm not supposed to even mention ads or something and by the way, how the fuck did Adsense approve my account because the rules say "no excessive profanity" and the name of my blog is Sara Swears A. LOT. bitches. Obviously the people who take care of this bit-ness have no clue what they're doing, but I'm okay with that. I'll probably be kicked out of the Adsense team, mocked and ridiculed, for my "excessive profanity" and braces and frizzy hair and fat lardy stomach and shit, my bad, just reliving middle school over here.

Jesus Christ, this post is a mess.


  1. I am excited to see what showtune you are going to sing! Also, I haven't tried adsense yet, i don't want to have flash backs of getting picked last for dodgeball again... Great blog post! (even if it was a mess)

    Check out my blog @ amberlashell.com

  2. Yeah, I should probably have a NSFW button on the front of my blog before you enter, but I also didn't give a flying fuck. Love the daisy dukes story, oh my god that's awesome! Home videos rule :)

    Also, I didn't sense that much hostility... :-P

  3. HAHAHA It says No Excessive profanity?!?!
    That is so awesome Sara.
    Glad you like your growy things!
    Definitely going to get a post card from the Bahamas too!
    We're going to FreePort and going to fly over to Nassau for a night too.
    Plus I'm laid off for 6 weeks. Another reason to be excited.

  4. Showtunes!!! If i had a video camera i would totally mock myself singing showtunes but all i have is a webcam and a digital camera with a dead battery. I think i would totally sing something from avenue q or Dance 10, looks 3 from a Chorus Line

    Also this comment is a mess.

  5. I think Adsense must have been thrown by all the innuendo. It's too subtle for it.

    "I'm pretty sure I died." Friggin' hilarious.

  6. Did you pick the one that me and wife found for you? It's going to be pretty epic if you did.

  7. Wow, I'll say... that is one big mese! bahaha. BTW--I wish I could have Adsense w/wordpress. Let me know how much $$ you get for it. I'll click the links if you get paid by the clicks! ;)

  8. why do we people say "on my period." Like we're sitting on a period? Or somesuch? not that I'm a fan of Aunt Flo either, just wondering

  9. I had to give up on Adsense because they wouldn't let me opt out of Palin for President ads & anti-choice ads that appeared alongside a very rare serious post I wrote about the murder of a doctor who performed abortions. NO THANK YOU, GOOGLE. So... swear away.

    PS: Home videos. Grandma vagina. Double score.

  10. I'm going to have nightmares about grandma vagina tonight. Thanks.

    Also, I'm expecting to see at least two condom ads and will be extremely disappointed if one of them isn't for extra-large ribbed and flavored ones.

  11. I'm so glad your back! I really love you. (In a non-lezzy kinda way...unless you like that. Haha!) No..really...and I read your friend's post. LOVED it and told her hi for you! Because I'm awesome like that! ;)

  12. Awesome! I Love Old Fucker Porn....lol!

  13. I hope it's "Paper Planes". But I don't think that qualifies.

    P.S. If Adsense starts making you rich will you let me know? Because I think it would be easier for me to do that than like.. working.

  14. Thanks for the visual.

    I was shown home videos of my husband, and I learned that he didn't take his special fanny pack off for about 4 years...but still, I think yours tops mine.


  15. I'm with Anna. I'm pretty sure Adsense would also be easier than like... hooking.

  16. Your present is totally gonna win, I just know it, because your amazeballs and the little children will probs start to read your blog after they find out who you are. Lol.

  17. I'm kinda all, "MIA"?! Is she a showtune? Hm. I am le excited.


    p.s: also, wtha, people have your postal address and i don't? i want it. stat so i can send you a pressie and andy won't have one.

  18. Just found your blog, upon Twitter recommendations, and boy was Mr. T right on. I luuuuuurve this post.

  19. YES Show Tunes! Bring it!

    Good luck with the finals I had mine last week, you will feel heaps better once they are done.

  20. Sara, I need to know this NOW:

    Was Grandma's vagina ACTUALLY shown, or was it under clothing? TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE, SARA -- I NEED TO KNOW THIS NOW.

  21. oh my God, karaoke's coming up again? sweet Jesus. It was alarming how into the last round I was. Pretty sure I was flirting with the blogstalker line.

  22. What the fuck? No Excessive profanity?
    Isn't that every blog?

    Love you just the way you are.

    GOod luck on finals.


  23. I would just like to let you know that Adsense obviously has your number. The ad that I just saw?

    How Jesus REALLY saves
    Jesus saves, but not by "washing away sins" or "appeasing the Father

    And then there was a url for some church. Obviously, this is why your profanity ridden blog was picked.

  24. Well Jesus Christ, she's back.

    And yeah. Totes get your cents while you can because Adsense kicked me out of the club for publishing a picture of a dildo.

    Obviously the people running that shiz don't get laid.

  25. I wish I could watch Scrubs' home videos, but for some reason his VCR won't work so when you put them in all you can only hear the sound. No image.

    And I don't have a VCR.


    I need grandma cooch in my life!

  26. You're pretty fucking spastic in this post, but I love it!

  27. Ew. Grammymaw Vagina? *vomiting in mouth* We need a clean-up on aisle "Christina's boobs that thankfully caught all the vomit because they're the size of small walruses".

    Also, you're doing a song from Moulin Rouge, aren't you? Because that would be awesome. And totally sexy... *rawr* *insert additional shameless blog bitches flirting here* *oh, and an obligatory wink* ;)

  28. I'm so glad I found another Louisiana girl who likes to cuss. I knew I wasn't alone in the bloggy world. I found some other LA blogs but they were all sweety sweet and nice. That ain't me so I'm glad I found you. Fuck yea!