Friday, October 22, 2010

Untitled

You know what really sucks?

When you find out that your fiancee's student loan bills have been going to his mother's house and you never knew and all of a sudden you owe almost $1,000 immediately and not only that, but you have to keep up with monthly payments that keep on coming.

Or.

When you take your car in for an oil change and find out that it needs new tires for $400 as well as a brand new windshield for $300 which means that you now have five credit cards that you will never pay off because you're only paying interest every month.

Or.

When you're in your living room, looking at all the things that you worked really hard to have, thrown in trash bags because you're going to have to take them to pawn shops tomorrow in order to pay for those student loans and those tires and those credit cards.

All those books you read from cover to cover, the books you read when you're feeling down because you know they'll make you feel better, the books that were gifts, the books that weren't even very good, the books that made you forget about the shit going on in your own life because you were too in love with the characters you were reading about to remember that your life sucked. All in trash bags.

All those movies that you watched again and again, the first movie you watched with your boyfriend, the movie that makes you think of your mom, the movie that makes you cry every. fucking. time. even though you know how it's going to end, the disney classics that you collected one by one and said you would show your kids one day. All in trash bags.

The iPod that got you through the work day, the laptop on which you typed the most difficult thing you've ever written, the treadmill that helped you lose weight and be a more confident person.

So what do you do?

You type a blog post, telling yourself that writing it out will make you feel better even though you know damn well that you're lying.

And then you resist the urge a million times to smoke a goddamn cigarette because you just can't fucking take it anymore.

And then you get in a screaming match with your fiancee because you have to blame someone, you have to blame anyone but yourself, and you tell him to leave because you know that you're going to say something you regret if he stays and you can't bare to think of the look on his face when you say the one thing that you know will hurt him the most because you're a mean, selfish bitch of a person and you don't understand why anyone would want to put up with this.