Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Untitled Continued

*I promise I'll bring the funny back tomorrow. Today, this has to be said.

I woke up on Friday morning, and I was happy.

I didn't have to work, and I had tons of errands that I could mark off my to-do list. And by tons of errands, I mean errands that have been on my to-do list for like, um, well, over 2 years. Since I first moved out of my parents' house. Silly me.

So I made a list and left the house. My first stop was Walmart since I had pictures that needed to be developed. While I was at the picture making machine practically breaking my goddamn finger trying to use the "touch screen" bullshit that obviously does not recognize my finger as a human finger, a woman walked up behind me. She looked to be about my mother's age - late 40s. She had no makeup on, her hair was frazzled, and the bags under her eyes were evident.

"That thing is such a pain. It gave me trouble, too."
"Oh, thank God. I was starting to think my fingers were dead, and I just didn't know it," I responded with a laugh. After a minute of small talk, her pictures were finished developing, and she picked them up out of the machine.

"I've never used these machines before, but they helped a lot since I have to get these pictures to the attorney right away," she said as she flipped through the pictures. I glanced at her face and waited to see if she wanted to speak more on the subject, not wanting to pry. "You see, my son was just in a car accident. He nearly died, and we have to have before and after pictures." She held a photo up of her son, I assumed, in the before picture. His mouth was a huge, wide grin. The kind of mischevious grin that makes you want to know a person.

I smiled. "He looks sweet." She nodded and stared at the photo for a few seconds longer. She flipped to the next photo. Her son in a hospital bed, hooked up to monitors, with scrapes and bruises covering his face. Hardly the same boy I had just seen smiling as if he hadn't a care in the world. "I'm so sorry," I told her. "I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you."

She smiled with tears in her eyes. "I could have lost him. He's alive, and that's all that matters. The first night he was in the hospital, I sat next to him for hours, watching him sleep, watching his chest rise up and down. Just staring at him and thinking of how lucky I am. Lucky that he's alive. It reminded me of the days when I first brought him home from the hospital. That's all a mother can ask for, isn't it?"

I believe in signs. I believe that there is a higher power who sends signs down to Earth in order to prepare us for what's to come, to test our strength, our patience, our hearts. I should have seen this one. A warning -- be thankful for what you have. You can lose it in a moment.
Late Friday night, I sobbed on the couch while Andy held me.

"I listened to that woman talk about how thankful she is to have her son alive. I listened to her say that nothing is more important than your loved ones. And then I do this," I said, tears streaming down my cheeks. "How can I listen to someone saying these things and act like a raging psychotic bitch the very same day? What the hell is wrong with me?"

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

I've asked this question so many times that I've lost count. I've asked others, I've thought it, I've written it, I've screamed it at the top of my lungs, hoping that someone, anyone will finally give me an answer.

"What do you want from me?" I've screamed at ... God? Buddha? Whatever higher power is watching me.

I'm not myself. I can see Crazy Psycho Bitch Sara freaking out. Throwing things, yelling, crying for no reason, collapsing on the floor in a heap because she's just given up. Because she can't escape this hellhole in her head. I tell her it isn't a big deal. It's just the fucking dishes, for Christ's sake. It's not worth a three-hour long fight. But she doesn't listen. Because she's a crazy, psycho bitch. She doesn't just push people away. She picks them up and throws them as far as she fucking can. She thows them again and again and again until they realize it isn't fucking worth it to keep coming back. Which is exactly what she was waiting for. Because now she can feel worthless and unloved which is exactly what she wants.

But I am not her.

I will not be her.

Occasionally, I might need to remind myself of this. I might need to put myself in "time-out" to clear my head and get the psycho bitch out. But I will be better than her. Because I have a hell of a lot to be happy about. And I do love myself, as much as she tries to convince me otherwise.

23 comments:

  1. Ah dear Sara. I love you too and have been where you are before. Most recently was this past March. And now I am medicated after years of choosing not to be because I thought it demonstrated weakness on my part. It didn't. Things are not perfect but the psycho bitch seems to have left the premises, and that works for me.

    I hope you find something that works for you and that you absolutely love yourself because you are an amazing woman.

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  2. Over the past couple of years I've found myself in the position to give advice to friends that are soon to be married or that have just recently been married and I always come back to the same thing.

    In all things that you're going to experience in marriage: the frustration, the anger, the outrage, just ask yourself, for one calm moment, if fighting over the money, the curtains, the dishes, the laundry, the TV is really worth so much of your time and energy?

    9 times out of 10, I find that watching yet another episode of Project Runway and having a chat about it with my wife is just so much less painful then having a war over what we're going to watch instead.

    I know that sometimes that calm moment is hard to focus on and I know that the issue you're dealing with is much larger then the dirty dishes, but just think how much easier it would be to get past the issue if you overlooked the assignment of blame and deal with the issue with a united front. Two heads are always better then one dear and based on his decision to stay with you Andy's got a pretty good one on his shoulders.

    Hope you feel better.

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  3. Chickadee, you're not alone and I would bet money on that a ton of other women would agree.

    Men must have been built with a lot of patience. I know mine has been.

    We all need to vent but we all need to step back and feel grateful as well.

    Many hugs out to you and beers to Andy!

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  4. SOme times a time out is exactly what you need. Maybe a trip somewhere.
    I know money is always an issue (at least for me) but sometimes you have to "what the hell", and just run with it. Charge it on a credit card and go someplace to take a break and be happy.

    Life is too short.

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  5. Sometimes we need someone like that lady at the photo kiosk to bring us down to earth.... you did that for me today!

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  6. Your raging psycho bitch sounds a lot like my raging psycho bitch. Maybe they should go to lunch together and when they're not looking we can push them off a bridge or put ground-up glass in their food. Whaddya say?

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  7. From one moody bitch to another, I can understand self-sabotage like no other. Sometimes I do things and I KNOW that I am fucking things up and only making myself miserable but I can't help it. It's horrible. Thanks for sharing this story, it's reminded me not to pick a stupid fight with Scrubs that will only make both of us sad and frustrated.

    That poor woman.

    Big hug and you're not gonna push the bloggers away, definitely - especially since the reading the comments I've realised we almost all have our own raging bitch to deal with.

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  8. PS: You made me cry with your last post. I'm sorry you had to do that.

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  9. I have the hardest time with those touch screen things too!

    On a more serious note, I'm happy you're doing some soul searching and know that you will not be the person you don't want to be. It takes some serious strength to come to that realization and make sure it doesn't happen.

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  10. we need to get some drinks, chica!
    and we love you, too! beat the psycho bitch down... she'll realize it's useless to get back up, eventually...
    : ]

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  11. I'm a long-time acquaintance of the Psycho Bitch, myself, too. I'm not sure that there's a lot that can be done for mine (other than some medication, which I am starting to think more and more is a necessity for me).

    Just make sure you don't give in to her sister, Guilt Frenzy Bitch. For me, she's even harder to get over.

    I recognized myself in this post so much, it was kind-of scary.

    Now for something completely different (and a bit self-serving): TBM and I have decided that 150 was too small for my Small Packages Blogfest, so we've upped the number to 300 followers or less for the first sign up. Which means...you can sign up!

    TBM came up with a great topic for the month, and I'd love to see your take on it.

    I hope things get better, and that the next time it doesn't take such a drastic sign to get your attention.

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  12. Baby girl...you're right, we should all be thankful for what we have in our lives BUT we're human and flawed and we will never, ever be perfect. We will be selfish and angry and self-pitying and a whole myriad of other no-good-bad-things. So what if you're a bitch sometimes? So am I. Today is a new day and you can start over. I think that we were put here to be made new each day and if we stumble and we don't reach that goal today then there's tomorrow and WOOHOO let's make it count! Try your best, appreciate what you have, love your family and friends, notice the wonders in this world that we let go unnoticed every single day but if you falter a bit on the way...forgive yourself and keep moving forward. That's what YOU were made to do.

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  13. It's alright. There are days when I get so ragey and psychotic that I tell my friends that I hate everything and everyone and they're included in that, and then I spend the entire next day curled up in a blanket in my bed just staring at the wall, wondering why the hell these people still put up with me. I recently realized (well, *rational* me realized) that it's because they care. It's because the good times, the smiles, the laughter, the jokes - all of that is worth the few bad times, and you don't really realize how infrequent the bad times come around because, for whatever reason, negative emotions eat you whole and digest your happiness, the memories of your happiness, the idea that you're happy more often than you're a mess, and that's what makes it okay for the time-outs and the messy episodes.

    I don't really know if any of that made sense, but it's all entirely genuine. I'm not even intoxicated right now, so you *know* it's from the heart. Uh, anyway.

    You know what might really help? Make a mixed CD of a whole bunch of songs you really like to sing/shout along to and take a long drive through the middle of nowhere. Living in Louisiana I'm assuming you're near that. That's really the only thing I miss about living in the country. I can't do that very easily. Well, also I don't have a car. But still.

    Too long, don't read: It'll be okay. Come visit Pittsburgh, we'll get really ridiculously intoxicated, make an intoxivlog or seven, and generally be assholes in public. That's also a good cure.

    Hugs.

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  14. It doesn't seem to be a popular idea, but I find it helpful that I believe in good and evil and that evil and good can be inside us. When we do 'evil' it's not really us, it's the evil inside us. On the opposite side, when we do 'good' it's not us either, it's the God inside of us.

    When we do things that hurt other people we don't have to feel shame. Also, when we do things that help other people we don't have to feel pride. All that can be asked of us is that we try and whatever higher power is, will love us for that.

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  15. I could say a lot of things that have already been said about how it's normal to be a crazy psycho bitch sometimes (which it is) or that I've been there too (which I have) or that everything will work out for the best (which it will), but will any of that *really* help how you feel? Probably not.

    Instead I'm simply going to say that I that sometimes life sucks, sometimes is sucks HARD, but I truly, truly believe that the grand scheme of things it *will* work out for the best.

    Also, the internet loves you hard (all night long) and I'm pretty damn sure that we're all there sharing wine and giving you a shoulder in our own other side of the tubes way.

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  16. Life is all about perspective.

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  17. *squish*

    I know the crazy, psycho bitch- and wow, do I know her well. We're almost best friends in an "I FUCKING HATE YOU" kind of way.

    She tries to take over my life, and like you, I've finally realised that I can control this ride- all of it. So she had better shut the fuck up, put on her seatbelt and stop touching the radio.

    I hope you see that you can control this too. You're amazing, Sara. People love you for the amazing... and even for the psycho bitch bits.

    That poor woman, I hope her son is better soon. :(

    Thank you for the perspective.

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  18. Oh Sara.

    I can't claim to know the extent of how you must feel but I do know that on certain days, I'm certainly not myself and it's all I can do to get through the day without freaking out/breaking down.

    I'm happy that you know that this isn't you - that's the first step to feeling better. And I have no doubt you will, with your strength and your support system, things will get better.

    You're loved.

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  19. Here is my response after all I have learned in my class that drives me to drink. You are going through a tough time right now and it is 100% ACCEPTABLE to feel however you feel. Embrace your anger and fear so you can work through it and although what that woman is going through is horrible, it does not negate anything you are going through. As a Christian..hell, as a human being, I can totally appreciate you feeling like you are over-reacting when others have worries about things that are not dishes. But don't deny yourself your feelings. Take interest in them. Scream at the thing inside of you that is judging you, that is making you feel guilty and not worthy of love. Tell that thing to fuck off because your anger and fear is valid and the fact that you have real feelings and you can express them makes you even more worthy of love.

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  20. I'm so glad I found your blog and this post. I'm going through something similar right now and I feel your pain. Cheers to you for recognizing that you have the power to know that you don't have to be defined by this!

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  21. there is someone up there, and He doesnt think youre a raging psychotic bitch. He thinks your human, and broken, and in need of help...which is what Hes there for to begin with. seek and you will find.
    much love stranger.

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  22. This is the very first post of yours that I read. Who knew what awesome things lay ahead for us? Bonding over cult leaders, discussing the hottness of Amish dudes, GIFs up the wazoo... I realize all of this has happened in a relatively short period of time, but I feel like I've known you forever. (In a good way.)
    Love you much. Thanks for being you and not making excuses along the way. ♥

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