Thursday, October 28, 2010

Jack Off Lantern Carving Contest!

First of all, thank you to EVERYONE who commented / read / skimmed / pretended to read (bitches) my last post. It's hard putting myself out there, but y'all made it easier. It felt good to get it all out, and I'm already doing better. Now on to the bullshit!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Every morning, Andy wakes up first and lets the big dogs out in the backyard to go to the bathroom. After he takes a shower, he wakes me up, and I let the dogs in before I leave for work. This plan usually works very well. (ahem, foreshadowing, cough cough.)

Last night, it rained. And by rained, I mean it motherfucking rained. Thirty minutes of The Amazing Race was cut off due to tornado warnings and thunderstorm warnings, as usual. We're so used to tornado warnings at this point that every time the stupid fucking news channel interrupts one of our thousand shows, we yell, "What the fuck is wrong with you, Weatherman?! We're used to these goddamn tornados by now. If you hear a humpback whale? LET US KNOW THAT SHIT."

All that to say.... it fucking rained.

And ANDY we apparently forgot that little detail when ANDY we put her out there. So this is what I saw first thing in the morning:

BITCH!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was telling a friend that when I was in middle school, the preacher at church would tell us that (whispers) *masturbating* was a sin. Some boy at school shattered my innocent mind when he told me, "All guys jack it, duh." I specifically remember thinking, "My dad would never do that. That's so disgusting. Also, my future husband doesn't do that."

Yes, you guys. I used to refer to my future husband often. In church, they told us we should pray for them, so I did. Sweet, naive me was praying for Andy probably while he was doing bong hits in his friend's basement.

God help us.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I need ideas on how to make my toofuckingbigbutthatmakesmehappy Halloween costume shirt fit without the belt and without sewing since I am not a Little Suzie Homemaker as much as I wish I fucking was. Help me!


Also, someone told me it wasn't skanky enough, so should I also wear a button that says Free Blow Jays or Skanks 'R Me?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

And finally......... THE JACK OFF LANTERN CARVING CONTEST!

When me and Andy went to pick out our pumpkins at the local Piggly-Wiggly, there weren't too many left to choose from on account of everyone else not being procrastinators. Andy picked one right off the top that looked a little deformed (just sayin'). I was sifting through the three huge boxes when I found my pumpkin.

"That's the one," I pointed. Andy glanced wayyyyy down in the bottom of the box and looked back at me. "Are you sure that's the one you want?" "Duh!"

It only took him about twenty years of reorganizing pumpkins, standing on tippy toe, and reciting the Gettysburg Address to get that damn pumpkin out from the verrrrrrrry bottom of the barrel. When he finally put it in the cart, he was panting from having to exert so much energy just to get a fucking pumpkin out of a box.

"Hmmm.... I'm not sure I'm really feeling that pumpkin anymore."
"You're taking this goddamn pumpkin."

So here are the results! (Please don't pay attention to the fact that our porch doesn't have railings yet. We're working on it, OKAY? Stopjudgingme.)

My beautiful, amazing, perfect, adorable, lovable, gottawinthiscontest pumpkin:

I shall name him Fred.

And here is Andy's notasgoodasmine, reallyshouldntwin pumpkin:



You can vote in the top right hand corner, and you're allowed to pick more than one because I'm awesome like that.

PS - I plan on doing something on my list this weekend while I'm out for Halloween. Should I do the making a random friend in a bar thing or the reporter interviewing a drunk person thing or both at the same time?

PSS - HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL. You really should not ever, and I mean EVER drink Four Loko. That shit is crazy. I drank half of a can last night and was drunk as shit. Also, I threw up today. It was classy. Classy as shit.

54 comments:

  1. Andy's pumpkin is pretty boss. Yours is cute and has a nice cumslot. Just like a dirty mailbox yo.

    Four Loko? I GOTTA TRY IT. Prolly not legal in Canada.

    Fuck, I have live in the US in order to get some oxy's n' all the good shit.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I work with someone who enjoys throwing up at work so that she can go home early.

    She's classy as fuck, too. Probably even classier than you. You're way hotter, though, so...there you go.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well... I'm more partial to your pumpKING really..

    His reminds me of a carebear getting it's face burned off, screaming in horror. Just sayin. All it needs is that lil carebear symbol on it's 'front' to complete the picture.

    ReplyDelete
  4. All I have to say is that truly awesome followers (ie: me) don't need a youtube link to Dane Cook's video to know that the humpback whale quote is from him.
    Glad to see you're doing better. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Girl's costumes are typically supposed to super skanky. That's why I'm going as a zombie prom KING this year. Take that bitches!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ew, sorry to hear about the 4 Loko mishap. I've never had one, but I'll be sure to stay away form them now. Sparks was crazy enough for me back in the day.

    You don't have to be skanky on Halloween! I think your costume is cute!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Penny Lane still looks evil and that still looks like poop.

    Also, I'm voting Andy. I KNOW, I KNOW, I'm like your best bloggy friend and I should totally vote for you out of support and because that is one of the cutest pumpkins I've ever seen.

    But, yeah, Andy fo sho.

    Lor

    ReplyDelete
  8. Andy's pumpkin is OWNED, bitch! Nice work Sara, your jack-off lantern looks like she is in store for a veerryyyy special night, ifyaknowwhatimean. I drank half a bottle of wine already and it's the middle of the day, so this comment may not make any sense. WORD.

    ReplyDelete
  9. L o v e the tights.

    They are awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm definitely voting for Fred. Andy's is nice, but c'mon...that's totally a stencil. (Right?)

    Hubs and I are going to carve our pumpkins tonight, I think. I think I will make mine look like the wolfman and name it Jeff. Because that is what he currently looks like.

    Also? Your costume gave me an idea. I think I'll be a slut for Halloween. Not a slutty nurse or slutty vampire...just a slut. All I need is a baby, and a birth certificate without the father's name filled in. Done. THANK YOU!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ew. I hate throwing up. There's this big Four Loko controversy in Washington State right now because a bunch of local kids got sick. It reminds me of when I drink Sparks. I have less than half a can and end up throwing up.

    On a different note, did you know they make Pornkin templates? I saw them at our local Lovers store when I was shopping for someone's bachelorette party.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Loving the green carpet my dear. I say it is a toss-up between the two pumpkins.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Your pumpkin totally wins. Andy cheated.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dude. Your jack off lantern kicks ass. Except I cheated at the voting thing and voted for all of them, because it's all about loving. I love both of the pumpkins. So the first three answers were a no-brainer. And then Andy getting a blowjay obviously means that you love him, and also I'm a guy and I like to get blowjays. So I voted for all of the answers.

    Also, don't knock taking bong hits in basements. That's basically what I want my future husband to be doing right now. I'd like it even more if I were there, but hey, maybe a sexy dude is thinking about me every time I take a bong hit in my friend's basement pleasedon'tshattermyfragileselfesteembysayinganythingtonegatethis.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm for Andy getting blow jays...we have to stick together on some things...

    ReplyDelete
  16. I totes have a Four Loko in my fridge. And to be completely honest. It scares me.

    BTW. You win.

    ReplyDelete
  17. As for the pumpkins, yours looks like a genuine artistic endeavor for which you used your creativity and genius.

    Andy used a pattern.

    But, you know, bro-code and all, I had to vote for the blowjob thing.

    I'm going to go to bed and fail at winning a bet myself. *big, knowing winks*

    *cries*

    ReplyDelete
  18. Let's get to the point of this post, shall we? Four Loko fucking ROCKS. You don't even realize you're drunk until you find yourself in the midst of doing completely irrational shit like jogging from one side of your bedroom to the other and walking half a mile to get mozzarella sticks even though you totally JUST ate. And when you wake up the next morning you never remember what you were doing right before you fell asleep.

    I frigging love 'em.

    ReplyDelete
  19. um yeah, four lokos.
    BAD FOR YOU! always a bad idea...always a bad consequence...always a bad hangover.

    fortunately i did not have to drink them to learn this, i let my other idiot friends demonstrate exactly why these are to be avoided at ALL costs.

    however.
    getting drunk dialed at 3am by your friend who is drunk on four lokos, is an entirely different story!

    ReplyDelete
  20. You could always put a bunch of clothes pins on the back and just make sure your back faces a wall all night. Alternatively, safety pins, pin the sides in on the inside and put a bunch in other places and be 80's grunge Waldo.

    Also you're an asshole because I definitely got a super awkward visual of my dad masturbating that will likely scar me for life and by life I mean until I get distracted by something shiny.

    Also, also your pumpkin looks like it gives amazing blowjays.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Those are some super-cali-freakin'-awesome pumpkins. Andy definitely took it out though.

    I wanna try this Four Loko! I have heard about it a few times now and I live in freakin' London!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Throwing up at work is the epitome of classy. Expect a promotion and a company maintained SUV soon.

    You are awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  23. No, let me tell you about classy: blowing chunks out of your boss' car WHILE he's flying down the highway.

    You're welcome.

    And I SO voted for you. bitches before bros!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Ohhh Four Loko..so bad. But so necessary when you (and by you I mean, me) insist on going out to when you have 12 cents in your bank account.

    ReplyDelete
  25. OK first of all, I'm so glad I found your blog. The poll is closed but I vote for D, obvi. Also, you should look at my BLOW JOB pumpkin because it's awesome just saying, you can find it one my blog :-) it was not however popular with the trickortreaters moms. whatever. ALSO, your dog is adorable. LAST, that Loko shit put some kids in the hospital where i live. they thought the girls were roofied (sp?) but actually they just drank a bunch of that shit. Good ol COLLEGE. can't wait to read more from you. happy friday!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. I go with D as well. Only because it seems to be the most logical one?

    either way love the blog will read more!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I used tο be ablе tο find good aԁvice frοm your blog articles.



    Also visit my site: 5Njabones.Com
    Check out my web-site : samsung galaxy note 2

    ReplyDelete
  28. ӏ comment eaсh time Ι aрpreciate a article оn
    а blоg oг if I hаve something to adԁ to the discuѕѕion.
    It iѕ cauѕeԁ by the pasѕion ԁisplayed іn the aгticle I browsеԁ.
    Аnԁ οn thіs aгticle "Jack Off Lantern Carving Contest!".

    I was аctuаlly еxcіted enοugh tο droρ а commеnta геsponѕе
    :) ӏ actuallу dо have a fеw quеstiоns
    for yοu іf іt's allright. Could it be just me or does it look as if like a few of these responses come across as if they are left by brain dead individuals? :-P And, if you are writing at other online social sites, I would like to keep up with anything new you have to post. Would you list every one of your shared pages like your linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter feed?

    Here is my blog - samsung galaxy note 2
    Here is my blog ;

    ReplyDelete
  29. What a stuff of un-ambiguity anԁ pгeserveneѕs of valuable κnow-hοw abоut unρгedicted
    еmotions.

    Fееl fгee tο suгf to my blog
    :: oilily fancy planet small tote red bags and luggage
    Have a look at my site : samsung galaxy note 2

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hi thегe, I discovered yοur blog νia
    Google whilѕt loоking fог a comparablе topic, уour sitе got herе up, it ѕeеms to be good.
    I've bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.
    Hello there, just was alert to your weblog thru Google, and found that it's really informatiѵe.
    I аm gοnna wаtсh οut for brusѕelѕ.
    I will be grateful should you continue thіs in futurе.
    Many peoρle shall be benefited fгom your ωritіng.

    Сheers!

    Мy webρаge :: Pikavippi
    Feel free to visit my web-site ::

    ReplyDelete
  31. Faѕtidious гeplies in return of this queѕtion
    with fiгm argumentѕ аnd еxplаіning the whole thing conсernіng
    that.

    my website
    My web site >

    ReplyDelete
  32. Yеѕ! Fіnallу someonе writеs
    аbоut 000 btu.

    my page - vapornine
    Feel free to surf my webpage ;

    ReplyDelete
  33. Thanks for the good writeuρ. It in truth
    used to be а enjoyment аccount it. Glance aԁvаnсed to
    far brought agrеeable fгom you!
    By the ωay, how сoulԁ we kеep up a cоrrespondencе?


    Revіew mу web-sіte: come investire 1000 euro
    Look into my weblog ...

    ReplyDelete
  34. Having read this I believed it was really enlightening.
    I appreciate you taking the time and effort to
    put this informative article together. I once again find myself personally spending way too much time both reading and posting comments.
    But so what, it was still worthwhile!

    my web page rubyczjr.wordpress.com
    My web site - aaafxe.dressup24h.com

    ReplyDelete
  35. Good article. I absolutely love this site.
    Continue the good work!

    Also visit my web site - zulutrade

    ReplyDelete
  36. certainly like your web site however you need to take a look at
    the spelling on quite a few of your posts. A number
    of them are rife with spelling problems and I to find
    it very bothersome to inform the reality then again I will surely come
    back again.

    My website :: get followers

    ReplyDelete
  37. Great post. I was checking continuously this blog and I'm impressed! Very useful info specially the last part :) I care for such info much. I was seeking this particular information for a long time. Thank you and best of luck.

    Feel free to surf to my web-site ... http://www.rolexoutletfreeshipping.com

    ReplyDelete
  38. Howdy are using Wordpress for your site platform? I'm new to the blog world but I'm trying to
    get started and create my own. Do you require any coding expertise to make your
    own blog? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

    Look at my weblog: 激安プラダ バッグ

    ReplyDelete
  39. I leave a leave a response whenever I like a article on a site or if I have something to contribute to the conversation.
    It's triggered by the fire communicated in the post I browsed. And on this post "Jack Off Lantern Carving Contest!". I was excited enough to drop a leave a responsea response ;-) I do have some questions for you if it's okay.
    Could it be just me or does it look as if like a few of these comments come across like they are left by brain dead folks?

    :-P And, if you are writing at additional online social sites, I would like to keep up with you.
    Would you make a list all of all your shared sites like your Facebook
    page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?

    My homepage; ロレックスレプリカ

    ReplyDelete
  40. Thanks in support of sharing such a pleasant thinking, paragraph
    is pleasant, thats why i have read it completely

    Review my homepage ロレックスレプリカ

    ReplyDelete
  41. I really like what you guys tend to be up too. Such clever
    work and exposure! Keep up the amazing works guys I've incorporated you guys to my personal blogroll.

    My weblog; ロレックスレプリカ

    ReplyDelete
  42. I am not sure the place you are getting your info, but great
    topic. I must spend a while finding out much more or understanding more.
    Thanks for fantastic info I used to be looking for this info for my mission.


    Also visit my blog ... プラダ 財布

    ReplyDelete
  43. Greetings! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could get a captcha
    plugin for my comment form? I'm using the same blog platform as yours and I'm having problems finding one?
    Thanks a lot!

    my website :: Cheap Ray Ban Sunglasses

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hi! Do you know if they make any plugins to safeguard against hackers?

    I'm kinda paranoid about losing everything I've worked hard
    on. Any recommendations?

    my site - COACH 財布

    ReplyDelete
  45. Woah! I'm really enjoying the template/theme of this blog. It's simple, yet effective.
    A lot of times it's very hard to get that "perfect balance" between superb usability and visual appeal. I must say you've done a superb job with this.

    Additionally, the blog loads extremely quick for me on Internet explorer.
    Outstanding Blog!

    my web site ... クリスチャンルブタン

    ReplyDelete
  46. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find the majority of your post's to be precisely what I'm
    looking for. Does one offer guest writers to
    write content available for you? I wouldn't mind producing a post or elaborating on many of the subjects you write with regards to here. Again, awesome blog!

    my webpage - hardpodcafe.com

    ReplyDelete
  47. Spot on with this write-up, I truly believe this website needs much more
    attention. I'll probably be back again to see more, thanks for the info!

    Here is my weblog; spencerswinden.com

    ReplyDelete
  48. Hello there! Quick question that's completely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My weblog looks weird when viewing from my apple iphone. I'm
    trying to find a theme or plugin that might be able to correct this issue.
    If you have any suggestions, please share. Appreciate it!


    Here is my web blog :: ミュウミュウ

    ReplyDelete
  49. For most recent information you have to pay a quick visit internet and on web I
    found this site as a finest site for most up-to-date updates.


    Also visit my weblog ... www.mungerlawfirm.com

    ReplyDelete
  50. Good day! I could have sworn I've been to this website before but after browsing through some of the post I realized it's
    new to me. Anyhow, I'm definitely happy I found it and I'll be book-marking and checking back frequently!


    Also visit my web blog; miu miu 財布

    ReplyDelete
  51. This is the perfect blog for anyone who would like to understand this topic.
    You know a whole lot its almost hard to argue with you (not that
    I really will need to…HaHa). You definitely put
    a new spin on a subject that's been discussed for many years. Excellent stuff, just great!

    my web-site - クリスチャンルブタン

    ReplyDelete
  52. Hi, I do believe this is a great website. I stumbledupon it ;) I will
    come back once again since I book marked it.
    Money and freedom is the best way to change, may you be
    rich and continue to guide other people.

    Review my blog post :: ミュウミュウ 靴

    ReplyDelete
  53. Wow, amazing weblog layout! How long have you been
    running a blog for? you make running a blog look easy. The whole look of your web site is excellent,
    let alone the content!

    My webpage: Replica Rolex Watches

    ReplyDelete