The first was when I was 16 and driving home from work. It was a summer night so it was probably about 1 in the morning. No cars were on the interstate that late, and I was probably in a rush to get home since my mom watched the clock like a motherfucking ninja.
I was going about 80 miles an hour when I saw an armadillo up ahead in the middle of my lane. I had no time to switch lanes or try in any way to save this poor little armadillo's life. What I did have time for? Seconds before my car connected, he turned his head and looked DIRECTLY AT ME with these sad, horrified eyes like he was saying, "But I have a family and children at home..... WHY????!!!!!" I tried to move my car so he could go right in between my tires. Unfortunately, I didn't know at the time that when armadillos are scared, they curl up in a ball and jump which makes them hit the car which makes them fucking DEAD.
The impact was pretty intense for JUST hitting an armadillo, and I was freaked! I had never killed an animal with my car before! I called my boyfriend at the time and told him about the Daddy armadillo that I had killed. He was in that direction with a friend so they decided to drive past and see if they could spot the damage. While he was driving there, we continued discussing Dave (what I named the armadillo).
Boyfriend at the time: So you just murdered an innocent armadillo?
Me: There was nothing I could do! It was my life or Dave's!
BATT: His entire family was probably sitting on the side of the interstate. They probably cried over his dead body after you murdered him with your car.
Me: WHAT THE FUCK? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THESE THINGS??!
It was about that time that BATT drove by the damage.
BATT: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, SARA! It looks like a goddamn CRIME SCENE out here. Blood is covering the road! Did you take a fucking machete to this armadillo?
I thought he had to be kidding. There was no way a car could do that much damage to a freaking armadillo. I had never even SEEN a live armadillo before. They were usually on the side of the road - no blood, no guts. Why would I just happen to be the one to create a spectacle of an armadillo murder? So I got off the interstate and looped around because I had to see this for myself. I was still on the phone with BATT when I drove by.
Me: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! How did I do that?! Should I do something?
BATT: What the.... ? Like what? Say a prayer? Tell his family members?
Me: I just feel really bad! Shit... I guess what's done is done, huh?
BATT: You got over that rather quickly.
Apparently I don't have a great track record with armadillos because this is not the only story I have concerning me murdering them. So when Andy said there was an armadillo in the front yard, I was excited to make amends with the creature and maybe realize armadillos and Sara Swears a Lots can be friends. I grabbed the video camera and ran outside to examine him. I recorded him with the night vision which made it look much creepier than I expected which freaked me out and made me change my mind about wanting to be friends.
AND THEN he ran under our stupid trailer.
Which is when I told Andy he couldn't go to the store because THERE IS A FUCKING ARMADILLO UNDERNEATH OUR HOUSE AND WHAT IF IT DRILLS A HOLE THROUGH THE FLOOR AND POPS UP AND EATS ME, ANDY?! Christ.....
So he decided to get out the bebe gun that we bought to scare stupid critters away from our house (Ahhh, Louisiana) and went out to give Dave the Second a little scare and send him on his way. So I took the video camera. And when he shot Dave the Second, the armadillo jumped way up in the air and I couldn't see where he went. But then suddenly I heard a huge thud hitting the porch which is when I knew Dave the Second was under the porch, and I freaked out because ANDY, WHAT IF HE RUNS UP THE STAIRS AND ONTO THE PORCH AND EATS MEEEEEEE?! and I ran inside. And I got some of it on video. I asked Andy to cut the last bit because it makes me sound like a lunatic, but can I please just say that I get scared REALLY easily and creatures that look even the slightest bit creepy make me super uncomfortable. I have no clue what I thought that armadillo was going to do to me, but apparently it was bad. Sigh.
But hey, armadillos can be cute, too.