Monday, October 18, 2010

Armadillo Dave

Andy was heading to the store last night when he came back inside to tell me there was an armadillo in our yard. He got a flashlight to go investigate and chase the little guy off. Now I have had several interactions with armadillos in my life, and they were never very happy moments for me.

The first was when I was 16 and driving home from work. It was a summer night so it was probably about 1 in the morning. No cars were on the interstate that late, and I was probably in a rush to get home since my mom watched the clock like a motherfucking ninja.

I was going about 80 miles an hour when I saw an armadillo up ahead in the middle of my lane. I had no time to switch lanes or try in any way to save this poor little armadillo's life. What I did have time for? Seconds before my car connected, he turned his head and looked DIRECTLY AT ME with these sad, horrified eyes like he was saying, "But I have a family and children at home..... WHY????!!!!!" I tried to move my car so he could go right in between my tires. Unfortunately, I didn't know at the time that when armadillos are scared, they curl up in a ball and jump which makes them hit the car which makes them fucking DEAD.

The impact was pretty intense for JUST hitting an armadillo, and I was freaked! I had never killed an animal with my car before! I called my boyfriend at the time and told him about the Daddy armadillo that I had killed. He was in that direction with a friend so they decided to drive past and see if they could spot the damage. While he was driving there, we continued discussing Dave (what I named the armadillo).

Boyfriend at the time: So you just murdered an innocent armadillo?
Me: There was nothing I could do! It was my life or Dave's!
BATT: His entire family was probably sitting on the side of the interstate. They probably cried over his dead body after you murdered him with your car.

It was about that time that BATT drove by the damage.

BATT: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, SARA! It looks like a goddamn CRIME SCENE out here. Blood is covering the road! Did you take a fucking machete to this armadillo?

I thought he had to be kidding. There was no way a car could do that much damage to a freaking armadillo. I had never even SEEN a live armadillo before. They were usually on the side of the road - no blood, no guts. Why would I just happen to be the one to create a spectacle of an armadillo murder? So I got off the interstate and looped around because I had to see this for myself. I was still on the phone with BATT when I drove by.

Me: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! How did I do that?! Should I do something?
BATT: What the.... ? Like what? Say a prayer? Tell his family members?
Me: I just feel really bad! Shit... I guess what's done is done, huh?
BATT: You got over that rather quickly.

Apparently I don't have a great track record with armadillos because this is not the only story I have concerning me murdering them. So when Andy said there was an armadillo in the front yard, I was excited to make amends with the creature and maybe realize armadillos and Sara Swears a Lots can be friends. I grabbed the video camera and ran outside to examine him. I recorded him with the night vision which made it look much creepier than I expected which freaked me out and made me change my mind about wanting to be friends.

AND THEN he ran under our stupid trailer.


So he decided to get out the bebe gun that we bought to scare stupid critters away from our house (Ahhh, Louisiana) and went out to give Dave the Second a little scare and send him on his way. So I took the video camera. And when he shot Dave the Second, the armadillo jumped way up in the air and I couldn't see where he went. But then suddenly I heard a huge thud hitting the porch which is when I knew Dave the Second was under the porch, and I freaked out because ANDY, WHAT IF HE RUNS UP THE STAIRS AND ONTO THE PORCH AND EATS MEEEEEEE?! and I ran inside. And I got some of it on video. I asked Andy to cut the last bit because it makes me sound like a lunatic, but can I please just say that I get scared REALLY easily and creatures that look even the slightest bit creepy make me super uncomfortable. I have no clue what I thought that armadillo was going to do to me, but apparently it was bad. Sigh.


But hey, armadillos can be cute, too.


  1. All I kept imagining when you were telling this story was those Allstate commercials. "So you're driving down the road eating an ice cream cone when out of nowhere Armadillo Dave decides to wreck your ride. He's your worst nightmare. Better have Allstate."

    If I see that ad next week you better get royalties

  2. I have never killed anything on the road, but I once had a squirrel miraculously survive - it must have been between my tires.

    There's always roadkill where I live - squirrels, rabbits, skunks, possums etc.

  3. omg i have always loved armadillos but now i want one!!!

  4. You know, Sara. Don't feel bad. Those things are WEIRD. I mean, have you seen their little creepy, snake-like, evil tails? Armadillos are like cats: they have an agenda and it isn't a good one.

  5. BAHAHAHA! Omg. That armadillo in the video was HUGE! Holy cow. They were EVERYWHERE out by my old apartment... sometimes dead, sometimes alive, sometimes just a bunch of blood all over the pavement. My boyfriend and I were CONVINCED we were going to touch/tag one of them the next time we saw a live one. Sure enough, one night at like 1:30am, we saw one, so we pulled over and ran up to it and the little shit ran SO fast away from us!!! I had no idea it was smart enough to know we were going to tag it with a window marker. Whoops! LOL anyways--if you had to kill an animal on the street, I'm glad it was an armadillo, not a dog, cat, or something sweet. :)

  6. Dude, I would've been screaming like the pansy that I am. I've never killed anything with my car, even though I've tried befo...

    I mean, nevermind.

    That last armadillo still wasn't cute. That is one gross looking tail. EW.

    RIP Armadillo Dave. Rest in pieces.


  7. You actually reacted much better than I did upon discovering a GIANT MUTANT OMG EVIL POSSUM under my house. *shudder*

    Thank god there was no one with a video camera around that night.

    You guys are adorable in that video though, srsly. :)

  8. Was Dillan the Dillo humping that bag??

    I ran over a turtle once, and my best friend said to me, "Oh no, imagine how long it took him to get to that point!" Thanks, that makes me feel soooo much better!

  9. Wow. That video is INSANE. RIP, Dave.

    Kind of off-topic, but just as fucked up, Dave is the stuffed dog I've had since I was two. He's filthy because he's never been washed and he's coming to Vegas with us to join in our eight-way.

  10. I have the same problem with squirrels. Me, my car, and squirrels do not get along. I ran over three when I was pregnant alone and you would have thought my life was over. Talk about pregnancy hormones.

    Picture some crazy chick on the side of the road, pregnant belly, on her knees sobbing over a dead squirrel with her fists in the air yelling to the heavens, "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?"

    That was me.

  11. I had no idea armadillos were semi-cute. I've never seen one in real life and if I ever did, it would probably be near death... seeing as I'm a murderer with my car too. :/ can't win em all I guess.

  12. ZOMG. I need to come visit you.

    We get bears and shit but not Armadillos. That is so effin' cool.

  13. You rock!
    On another note, Just wanted you to know that I have had to shut down my site for a tiny bit. I have had been getting threats and harrassed.
    I might even have to open a whole new blog. who knows.
    Just wanted to let you know.
    dont forget about me. Ill keep visiting your site. TIll things are taken care.
    Oh yeah and happy freakin Monday!

  14. @SoccerMom - What the heck?! Are people you actually know harrassing you or lame little anonymous bitches? Maybe we should sick Dave on them...

  15. Not the biggest animal as a pet fan, more of a dog
    When you're a teen it's always full of rebelion and some are worse than others, I remember apologizing to my mom about the arguements we had [although I would never curse at her or say something harsh, but it was definately an] so things are good :)

  16. I live in Texas, so I have seen my fair share of armadillos, they are super creepy and I would be screaming too. Funny though because your video made me think of the blair witch project... creepy. :) Great blog!

    check out my blog @

  17. Armadillos are the cutest thing ever, I can't believe you're an armadillo-killer!!! You MONSTER!

    And I'm curious about your second thirty day of truth entry. What was it you were both doing that this person threw you under the bus for??

  18. Oh God, I laughed so hard at the pain of Armadillo Dave. I'm such a sadist sometimes. But not really.

    :) Seriously, though, armadillos can be pretty evil. I've heard that if they get in your yard you can put hot sauce in your yard and it'll drive them away.

    Or maybe I'm mixing that up with possums. I can't remember. Southern weirdnesses, you know? We're all freaks down here. :) Come up with mythical solutions to everything.

  19. I discovered you through Head of the Danaconda. Love your blog, and especially all of the swearing. Looking forward to reading more of your pervy/curse laden posts.

  20. "Uhh, that's probably not a good thing."

    I love how Blair Witch Project that whole video looks.

    And Armadillos are not cute at all. They are ugly little things.

    I'm really glad I read this because the chat today makes a whole lot more sense...

  21. Poor Dave...he's just hungry man. Hungry FOR YOUR FLESH.

  22. I was just talking about the wildlife we have in Arizona, but snakes, javelina and bobcats somehow aren't as weird and scary to me as armadillos now are. Kudos on the Blair Witch style video that has haunted my dreams.

  23. I love hearing about other people's local critters. In the land of bedbugs and chipmunks, armadillos sound exotic and awesome. I think they're cute. But I bet they're more cute in theory than they are in practice. I'd probably feel pretty intense if I tried to stare one down.

  24. Oh, gosh, why would anyone want one of those things as a pet? They look like giant rats.

    Did you ever hear the urban legend of the woman who brought a "chihuahua" home from her vacation in Mexico only to find it was a massive rodent?

    That's what armadillos remind me of.

    I can remember seeing one of them dead on the road when I lived in Deep South State, and it stank to high Heaven. You were right to be freaked out.

    Very funny post, by the way.