Andy loves me sososososo much that he agreed to let me interview him for this little old blog. Because he's giving and charitable and handsome and hey sweetie, would you mind giving Penny and Duke baths when you get home tonight? Kisses!
I actually recorded this conversation because I wanted it to be 100% accurate. You are so, so welcome. (Those two so moments were for you, Bret. I'll use so however I damn well please!) Anyfuckingwho, enjoy! Note the comments in blue were added by me after the interview was over. Also, I kept it very professional, as I'm sure you'll notice. Supah similar to a job interview, I'm pretty sure.
(Psst! I think that some of youse guys should encourage him to leave a comment for once since this whole damn post is about him.)
Me: What was your favorite subject in school?
Andy: Which school? High school? College?
Me: I was trying to start off with an easy question....
Andy: Science, I guess. Biology.
Notice he's already making this difficult.
Me: What is your favorite reality show?
Andy: If I had to pick one, I guess the dancing show.
Me: So You Think You Can Dance is your favorite reality show? *snort*
Andy: I said if I had to pick one!
He's trying to play it off and pretend he doesn't luuuuurve that show. Trust me... he totes does. To the point where he's all, (say this in the gay man South Park voice) "Hm, I dunno. It didn't really look like there was any chemistry between them. Plus those lifts were just horrible."
Me: Are you sure it isn't *actually* Jersey Shore?
Andy: I'm pretty positive it's not.
I'm pretty positive he's a LIAR.
Me: Do you like the fact that I already had that last question written down because I knew you were going to lie and not admit that Jersey Shore is your favorite show?
Andy: Jersey Shore is not my favorite show, ok?
Cleopatra, Queen of Denial, y'all.
Me: Moving on, which of your dogs do you love the least?
Andy: The least?? What the... That's fucked up, Sara.
Me: Like if you could only save two of our three precious babies, and they were all looking at you with those big, sad eyes... who would you leave behind to die an untimely death?
Andy: (With no pause at all...) It would have to be Penny Lane.
Me: What the fuck, Andy? You're such an asshole!
Andy: Listen, she's the lowest on the totem pole.
The correct answer to that question? I would sacrifice my own life before I let any of our adorable children die.
Me: Are you excited about getting married? *evil glare*
I'm pretty sure he's more excited about having his ring than the whole being married to me part. He won't stop bitching about the fact that men don't get to wear engagement rings and that's not fair and booo hooooooo.
Me: Is it going to annoy you if Sara refers to herself as Sara through this whole interview?
Andy: Kind of, yes.
Me: I'm going to do it anyway.
Me: HA! I already had that response written down, too, because I FUCKING KNEW you were going to say that! So predictable.
Andy: (Sighing and shaking his head back and forth probably because he's embarrassed about how predictable he is.)
Me: Anyways... so does Sara really swear that much?
Andy: Andy doesn't think that Sara swears that much.
Me: Are you going to do this for the rest of the interview?
Andy: Yeah, I am.
Me: Unless you mess up like you did right then? That's cool. You're just gonna completely forget what you were going for. I like that.
It's just too easy.
Me: How often do you read/stalk Sara's blog?
Andy: Not too often.
Andy: Yeah, really.
Me: :face that doesn't quite believe what she's hearing:
Me: You dont stalk it?
Andy: I don't have... Ahem! Andy doesn't have time to stalk Sara's blog while Andy is at work. Andy has a lot of stuff to do while he's at work, unlike Sara.
Isn't it cute how he tries, though?
Me: Do you think it's funny?
Andy: Yeah, it's funny.
Me: Have you ever ROFL at something on Sara's blog?
Andy: (Pause) Is that...Is that roll on the floor laughing? Uh, I can't say that I've rolled on the floor laughing, no.
Completely unbelievable. I know for a fact that every single one of you rolls on the floor laughing every time you read a new post. #letmekeepdreamingplease (Also, can someone explain to me why I think hashtags are so fucking hilarious?)
Me: Did you really bet Sara a seafood dinner that she couldn't get 100 followers? cough STUPID cough.
Andy: Well, yeah.
Me: Do you regret being a dickhole and not believing in her amazingness?
Dickhole: I was not being a dickhole.
...says the dickhole.
Me: Does Sara accurately portray you on her blog?
Me: That's it? If you're gonna say no, you better have a reason.
Andy: I'm much cooler than the Andy on the blog. I'm much cooler than that.
Andy: Yes I am!
Me: If you had a band, what would your band name be?
Andy: Infected Pimple.
Me: That's gonna sell a lot of records.
Me: Do you think "Prettier than Penises" is the best band name ever?
Me: But it's got the alliteration, the "P" noise...
Me: ...and the penis part of it will draw people to it. And Prettier than Penises has a girly bit to it...
Me: ...but also it could be a guy band so you don't really know so you've gotta check it out.
Andy: The only people it would draw to it would be little preteen girls who would hear the word penis and be like AHHHH!
Me: But also little preteen boys would too just because they'd want to say the word penis so they'd be a fan of the band just so they could say penis.
Andy: But then his friends would be like, "Man you're fucking gay because you listen to the penis band. You got the penis band CD."
Me: Hm, you might have a legitimate argument there...... for once.
*Insert tangent about better band names that involve the words penis and vagina*
Me: What is your best advice concerning vaginas?
Me: This was asked by someone else, FYI. I don't need advice about vaginas. Just sayin'.
Andy: Be nice to them?
Me: If you could give one piece of advice to the world concerning vaginas, that's what it is? That's it?
Andy: Well, I mean....
Me: Yeah, you're WAY cooler than Andy on the blog.
Andy starts getting exasperated at this point.
Andy: Advice for what? For getting with vaginas? For taking care of vaginas?
Me: You could be creative with it instead of just "be nice to it". I have to post this shit for people to read. ENTERTAIN THE MASSES, ANDY.
Andy: Ok, fine, keep your vagina clean.
Me: What the fuck? Don't you think the men need to know a little more about vaginas than the women do? I think we've got the whole vagina thing under control, thanks.
Pretty sure Andy gave up arguing with me by this point.
Me: What do you think about large clits AKA small penis-looking things?
Andy: I mean, it's part of a vagina so it's all good.
Me: But if it's so big it looks like a little penis?
Andy: Well if it's as big as my fucking thumb, then...
Me: That's disturbing.
Andy: Like a little penis sticking out... that'd be a problem.
Me: You could fuck each other.
Andy: I'm pretty sure if you've already gotten to that stage of the game and you're already looking at it up close, it's not gonna fucking matter. It's a vagina.
Me: No way! You really think your dick wouldn't just WOMP WOMP WOMP when you saw a penis looking thing coming from the crotchal region of a girl?
Andy: I don't know. I think we have two different images in our heads.
Me: I think we may need to relearn the parts of my private areas better.
Me: Where is the weirdest place you've gotten a boner?
Andy: Anywhere? Uh, the DMV?
Me: What would you say if Sara asked you for a golden shower?
Andy: I would ask what her fucking problem is. Weirdo.
Me: What if that was just something I liked?
Andy: I know it's not something you like.
Me: What if I did? We're gonna be married. We have to work through things like this.
Andy: Well then you would need to explain to me why you wanted me to pee on you.
Insert Andy singing, "I want to piss on you! Yes, I do... I'll piss on you, I'll piss on you."
Me: Who is on your "cheat list"?
Andy: I don't have a cheat list.
Me: FUCK! My friend and I were talking about the questions I should ask, and she said I should ask the cheat list question and be all, "No, no. Answer it! I'm not going to be mad, silly" except when you answer it be like, "WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE, YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!"
Andy: Well I knew it was a loaded question so there.
*Title courtesy of my lovah, Lorraine.
PS. These two videos made MY ENTIRE EFFING LIFE when I saw them.
Courtesy of my best bloggy friend who also happened to get me the BEST motherfucking presents ever and when I opened it, I fell a little more in love with her and I'm pretty surprised I didn't have a heart attack from how happy I was. (I'll post pictures soon!) Wow, that last thing was absolutely not a sentence, but that's how my head sounds right now after two Starbucks drinks and half an adipex so let's just roll with it! Anycrazybitchwho, here's the video she blessed me with. And now that I've spent twenty thousand years introducing the video, here it is:
*I have no clue why it's cutting part of the video off. Sorry folks!
And then there is the video that should probably be the mascot for Sara Swears A Lot, if it was possible for a video to be a mascot. It would probably be one of those mascots that thinks it's really cool except actually it smells really bad in that outfit and the person inside is sweating like a beast and when he tries to pump the crowd up at a pep ralley, he thinks that everyone is cheering for him except really they're all booing but the mascot head is so bulky, he can't tell the difference and then he gets stuffed in a trash can after the game and THAT REALLY WASN'T NICE, YOU GUYS, I SMELLED LIKE MYSTERY THURSDAY FOR A WEEK AFTER THAT.
Anystopjudgingmeway, this video was presented to me by the lovely Ella who has officially made my life. Enjoy!
PSS. I pimped out blogs like a motherfucker today, yo. So clickity click those links because they're all enjoyable.