Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Drunk & Disorderly

Last weekend was ah-maz-ing. It was one of my best friend's 21st birthdays and we got DRUUUUNK. (We shall refer to her as Boobs Mctitsalot for very good reason.) Also, I brought along the video camera because I fucking love y'all and HOLY HELL did I get some good shit or what.

Andy is in the process of editing it because I gave him road head he loves me so I promise I'll get it posted tonight or tomorrow, stalkers.

We started the evening out at an Italian restaurant because we're classy, and I definitely had a glass of wine, and I definitely didn't start talking about the side effects of weed with my waiter. Okay, I did, but I promise it applied to the conversation. The waiter knew one of the people at the table, and he was telling two girls sitting across from me how he got kicked off the debate team in high school for smoking weed.

Waiter:  I mean, they acted like it was some horrible drug or something...

Me:  Excuse me, sir?

Waiter:  Yes, ma'am, did you need something?

Me:  I just wanted to say that I don't think you realize the repercussions of smoking marijuana. I hear that if you smoke, your dog will start talking to you, and you'll forget to pick your son up from swim practice.


Random Girl Across Table:  And you'll hit little girls on bikes.


Finally! I find someone who can finish a joke I start without making me feel like a complete jackass.

From there, it was another friend's birthday (so damn rude of them to have their birthdays on the same night) so we headed to her house to have a few drinks with her. And I had a VERY special treat coming along for the ride that would make me the baddest bitch in town, SON! (Adding SON to the end of any sentence will make it sound super legit, swearsies.)
*That's right. That's a motherfucking WINE LANYARD around my neck. I rocked that shit like a pro. No spillage here!*

And I got to see a friend I haven't seen in a long time. And everyone wanted to take a picture with my lanyard, obvi so I succumbed and took pictures with the peasants who weren't classy enough to have their own.

We didn't stay there long thanks to the fact that every fucking person there was in the puking stages of drinking. They obviously weren't as professional and classy as me with my wine lanyard.

We headed to Mojos, a bar downtown because Boobs Mctitsalot's boyfriend's band was playing there that night. And I was so drunk that I'll just let Twitter take over for a second. 

No one else is tweeting about drunkeness and blow jays and this makes me sad. #stepitupdrunkies  

Band just played four non blondes. Ohmygod I'm too drunk for this. WHAT'S GOING ON?!
After that last tweet, the band started packing up and for some reason, I decided it would be a good idea for DRUNK OFF MY ASS ME to help my DRUNK OFF HER ASS BEST FRIEND get her shit together and get safely to her boyfriend's car. So I grabbed her purse and her arm because she was falling all over the place and was walking her in the general direction of outside when she was all, "Sara! We need to do another birthday shot!!" and I was all, "But you're REALLY drunk, and I think I am, too, and we've already had three shots in the last hour," and she was all, "Just one more shot?" so I was all, "Well, it IS your birthday so.... SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!"

So after we got another motherfucking shot that we probably definitely didn't need, I started to walk her back out to her boyfriend's car again. Which required climbing ONTO the stage and then climbing back OFF and walking out the back door.

Sounds simple, right?


Boobs Mctitsalot decided to forge ahead at the climbing off the stage part. I slurred said in a total sober and normal voice, "Wait for me so I can help you!" But alas, drunkies don't take direction well, and she BUSTED. HER. ASS. falling off that stage. It was a magical moment for us all.

I picked her up off the ground and basically carried her to the car. Thank God it was parked right outside because JESUS CHRIST that girl's boobs probably weigh twenty pounds alone. While her boyfriend finished loading all the equipment into the car, I helped her stand up with her back against the car so she wouldn't fall down again.

Which sounds like a brilliant idea, right?

Except no.

Because she kept trying to grab my vagina. No, SERIOUSLY. I am not just making this shit up so that I can say I mentioned "vagina" in another post. She tried sticking her hand up my dress three times, and I was all, "Um, Boobs? That's my vagina you're grabbing... Maybe you should calm down." Except I was drunk and so it was probably more like, "BOOBS, OHMYGOD, YOU ARE GRABBING MY VAGINA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING AHHHHH!"

And she apparently thought that was hilarious because then she made a SOLID effort to grab my vagina by lifting my dress up to my head and yelling, "I'M GRABBING SARA'S VAGINA!" The only thing I could think of in my drunkenness to keep her from showing my girly bits to the world was basically to smoosh our bodies together and press her against the car. (That sounds a lot sexier than it was in real life, promise.) Which was a good plan and all except that Boobs Mctitsalot reached for my vagina AGAIN and tipped us over which resulted in us landing in a pile of Whore on the concrete which resulted in us giggling uncontrollably while our vaginas were out for all the world to see until her boyfriend came over to help her up which caused her to accidentally push me and make me fall ALL FUCKING OVER AGAIN.

After many "I luhhhveee y'aaaallll"s and many, many more drunken hugs, Andy and I started walking back to my car and on the way, we saw two friends at the burrito stand (OHMYGOD BURRITOS, Y'ALL) so of course I had to yell from across the road, "BOOBS TRIED TO GRAB MY VAGINA FIVE TIMES BEFORE I LEFT!" Who knows what those weird looks I was getting were about anyways?

We did eventually make it home, and I totes filmed my INTOXIVLOG for y'all. Because I'm just THAT generous. And then I raped Twitter all over again.

Okay y'all, I just filmed my INTOXIVLOG! Will rewatch sober tomorrow and decide whether it's post-able or not. BOO-YAH.

I feel like saying lots of weird phrases on Twitter just to annoy the fuck out of you when you wake up. SHAZAM!

@ Everyone - Please ignore my twitter tomorrow morning. Drunken me tweets ENTIRELY too fucking much. I got excited. Did that sound dirty?
So yeah. The intoxivlog is so fucking badass and two someones VERY special make a guest appearance so look forward to that shit. As for now, I'm still avoiding alcohol thanks to being hungover until 6 PM on Sunday.

I believe this picture really show just how happy I was to be drunken this weekend:

PS - Speaking of vaginas..... clickity click here. (Totes SFW, promise.)


  1. "falling into a pile of whore" is one of those nascent, beautiful, inspiring turns of phrases that one only comes upon once, maybe twice, in a lifetime.

  2. SO FUNNY!!!!!!! Man, I loved reading all of those tweets the other morning. However, there are two things that I am beyond impressed with:
    1. How you were spelling and typing everything completely clear and you actually were typing sentances that make sense. Unlike my last drunk text to a sorority sister, "Wachovia bank is good" WTF?!
    2. How you remember all of this so clearly! Love it.

  3. "Whore on the concrete" Is going to be my new catchphrase. I will use it everyday until it catches on. Also i remember 21st birthday parties which turned into drunken stupors. Oh the joys of being young... wait a minute i did that this year when i turned 26 too.

  4. Ah. The perfect night out. The best bit is that you can remember it! Mind you, l amnot sure l could forget anyone grabbing my crotch even once.

  5. I went to the Monday Night Football game last night...I am still hungover. I have a sneaking suspicion that I might have been a raging drunken mess at the stadium, but I didn't fall over (as far as I remember). No one grabbed my vagina, though, so Monday night FAIL.

  6. Hahah Love it.

    Damn girl, you look good enuff to eat.

    I would've tried to grab your Vajazzle as well...but I would've been sober.

    *queue creepy stalker music*

  7. Hahaha! Awesome! I love getting drizzy with my gal pals and misbehaving. I have one girlfriend who likes to pretend to go down on me in photos. Always a good time!

  8. I get to comment all over again the stuff I alrady told you! :)

    I'm going to do my part to spread whores on the concrete. It really needs to be spread to the masses. Like whores...

    Still love that last picture. So much genuine enjoyment. Also like whores...

    WOW. Anyways, bye now.


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  10. Your very nice comment on my blog led me here. You are one funny fuck. This last post had everything I love: booze, birthdays, adult language, boobs, vaginas (which apparently is not a word since it is underlined in red) and BURRITOS! I will be reading more of your blogs, that is for sure.

    P.S. Bret told me about 20sb, which has garnered me almost SEVEN new friends! So I got mad love for the fool. Oh, and small boobs are okay... if you're thirteen. :)

  11. Hey! You linked me! You are awesome! Yesterday my gyno told me my vagina was beautiful. For reals. I need to post about that.

  12. a) What MJenks said. New Catchphrase, motherfuckaaaaah.
    b) I'm getting this entire post, including pictures, tattoo'd on my back, because there has never been a piece of prose more perfect. I need your phone number and social security number, because in 15yrs time when my daughter asks me what the fuck twitter is, I'm going to need you to explain some shit to her.

  13. And now we wait for the video to hit! That Nipples will be grand!

  14. OMG I HAVE A WINE LANYARD TOO!!!! I love that thing, but I don't rock it as hard as you do. Damn!

  15. Why is that when I grab vagina in public I get arrested?

    I demand justice

  16. The wine lanyard! It lives!!!!!

    No one ever said you don't make good on your promises.

    I can't WAIT for Intoxivlog #1.

  17. Dude... Well, it's really nice to know there are still some decent spazzy people left in the world, enjoying the hell out of what most people would be terribly embarrassed by.

    I'm gonna visit New Orleans this winter or spring. I hope you'll come out and debauch with me.

  18. I want my 21st.NOW argh!Hopping over to your intoxivlog :D

  19. So you're saying marijuana doesn't make you want to hit little girls on bikes? Hmmm.

    Also, nothing says amazing night out like some vagina grabbing.


  20. Your texting that night was A MAZE ING as well. Thank you for making me a part of that night. And then you didn't responded when I was drinking. :(

  21. Ahhh, this post makes me so glad I am older and mature and past this drunk-puke stage in life. I say this with superiority since it's been about over six weeks since I got drunk and puked.

  22. "falling into a pile of whore" god i wish i thought of that... beautiful