Friday, August 6, 2010

VEGAS VEGAS VEGAS!

Okay, so, where the fuck do I even begin here? Vegas involved the following:


- A dueling piano bar in which I got the guys to sing "What's Going On" by the Four Non Blondes because *everyone* loves that song when they're drunk. Also? They sang "Baby Got Back" and got multiple drunk women to shake their asses at the front of the bar during it.

- A helicopter flight over the strip with three women who I'm pretty sure were hookers. This also included a free glass of champagne. Which means that me and Andy *actually* drank about five glasses of free champagne... each. Which means that during the safety video from the 90s with a woman in high-waisted pleated shorts, we giggled. A lot. Like through the whole thing. Like so much that the fucking woman in front of us turned around and gave us a "shutthefuckup" look. Which made us giggle even more.

Also? I have videos to put up when I finally get over this goddamnwontgoaway jet lag. So stay tuned for that shit next week probably. Seriously, y'all, I am wiped the fuck out. As in, I don't even remember how I got to work because I probably slept the whole way here because not only am I jet lagged, but also I stayed up until 2 am watching It's Always Sunny and WHAT THE FUCK, Y'ALL why didn't anyone tell me how beautiful and perfect and the epitome of me this show is screw you guys.

Oh, and I do have a fabulous giveaway that will be posted next week, and yes, in fact, it does involve male nudity (almost).

Okay, so, I promise I will have shit done on Monday! Feel free to cuss me out if I don't.

Oh, and this is the beauty that I got to come home to last night.



The flowers courtesy of Andy. The dick courtesy of Nicole. Also, she sent me two stuffed basketballs that my puppies are in love with. Except that Penny Lane kind of puked on one so we kind of had to throw it away. Oh oh oh, and she sent me some blow up sex dolls which I will reveal in video/picture form later.

So since sofuckingmuch happened in Vegas, I'll start with telling you about Saturday because that was my favorite day.

Saturday consisted of a lot of walking. In heels. That were adorable by the way. But still. Also, I had blisters ALL. FUCKING. OVER. my feet. Also, there were a ton of assholes in Vegas on Saturday who never moved the fuck over when they were on sidewalks which required me to dive out of their way and into bushes multiple times while giving them my evil "fuckyougotohellihateyou" look that they didn't even catch because they were too busy being assholes who never moved the fuck over when they were on sidewalks.

After about twenty minutes of me saying, "Slow down! My fucking feet are fucking killing me. Are we in the goddamn Olympics or something? UGHMYFEETOHMYGODKILLMENOWTHEYHURTSOBAD," Andy looked like he wanted to stab me in the face. Luckily, he loves blow jobs me so he didn't choke me like I'm sure he wanted to.

And now all I've told you about is the shitty stuff when actually most of it was AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME.

Like the fact that there was a slutty show put on in our hotel every hour with a bunch of half-naked people humping on stage. With tons of kids watching. Totally appropriate for an 8 year old. Hey, they gotta learn sometime, am I right?

Anyway, we saw a lot of shit while we were there, but the best thing BY FAR was the burlesque show we went to Saturday night. Which, by the way, was featured on VH1s 10 sexiest jobs in Vegas or something like that.

So I was already pretty drunk when we got there because heller? It's Vegas. Oh, and we tipped the doorman $10 and got MOTHERFUCKING VIP SEATS I KNOW, RIGHT?? We were right next to the stage! I'm pretty sure a boob grazed my face at one point! Can you really ask for more than a stripper burlesque dancer's breast on your cheek?

I think not.

Anynakedboobonmyface, the second we sat down, I saw four or five college-aged guys who were in the VIP section wearing suits and ties. "If they pull someone on stage, I bet you a blow job that they're going to pick one of those guys," I told Andy. "Well don't be mad if they drag me up there," he said with a scoff. (He actually had a twinge of hope twinkling in his eye. Bastard!)

After polishing off a few more expensive drinks during the show, I was pretty much drunk. Which meant there was a lot of whooping and hollering from my section of the audience. Um, what? No, of course it wasn't ME. That would be so embarassing. Stopjudgingme.

So after watching naked girls prance around on stage for 30 minutes, there was an intermission with a comedian I'd never heard of. And boy, did she like me and Andy or what.

I'm pretty sure everyone else in the audience was busy hiding boners so they didn't respond much to her first few jokes whereas me and Andy were drunk off our asses laughing at every-fucking-thing we heard. Which meant that when she went to make fun of the audience members, she went straight for us. (Louisiana is an easy target, y'all.)

She made fun of us for living in a trailer and whaddyaknow? We actually do! I think my favorite part was when Andy told her that he was an engineer, she asked him if he was a "plug shit in engineer" or a "choo choo engineer". When he responded with "plug shit in engineer", she said "Well, bring your fiancee on up here and let's see!" (Hello? Don't test me, lady. After six rumandcokes, you never know what I might do on a stage for tips.)

Then she said she had tickets to give away for a MALE. NUDEY. SHOW.

And guess who won them? That's right. ME. Did you really expect anything less from me, people?

After the show, we went to a club in the hotel we were staying at. Oh, and we got in FO FREE BITCHES. Cuz that's how we do. *brushing off the shoulder*

(Psst! Really we got in fo free because we asked them to charge it to our room except they couldn't so they just let us in because they felt sorry for our drunk asses apparently. Whoops!)

The club was super lame, unfortunately. There weren't even any naked chicks in there! I was bored before I even finished my drink. "Wanna find something else to do? This place blows!" I yelled in Andy's ear. "I just bought you that drink! And it was expensive! We're staying here at least until we finish these."

"Well do you want to go back to the room and ahem?" I said this time.

It only took about three seconds for Andy to set our drinks down and start walking out the door towards our suite.

SLDFOAIHOIHAVOAWIENOIROIUWHAGVHA

Y'all, I think I need to see a burlesque show and get drunk a little more often because HELLOTHATSEXWASAWESOME.

AnyTMIway, I'll relay a few more stories later because I can smell food cooking for our work potluck, and I'm pretty sure I'm about to gain fifteen pounds.

Also, don't hate me for the lack of awesome in this post. I've had writer's block like a motherfucker since I got back from vacay. So stop giving me that look. Yes, YOU. Stop it.

Oh, and we were so busy being drunk and happy that we only took one picture the whole time. Here we are at Toby Keith's bar and grill:

See ya next week!

(Psst, don't my boobs look pretty big in that picture? I mean, like, bigger than normal? Like bigger than an A cup? Come on y'all, just lie and make me feel better, ok?)

22 comments:

  1. Hmmm...I don't know. Between sex updates, burlesque show reviews and blow jobs--lots of blow jobs--I think the awesome was packed in pretty tightly.

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  2. If "whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," I could only imagine the shit you're not even writing about.

    No, I'm not surprised you won those free tickets. Well done. I was actually half-expecting you to say that you ended up making fun of the comedian and taking over the show, but sounds like you had a ridiculous time. I fucking love Vegas.

    Oh yeah, nice breastasists.

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  3. Sounds like so much fun :) glad you had a great time!

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  4. Dude, I wanna be a burlesque dancer. I could totally dance around stage mostly naked shoving my tits in people's faces.

    Now, how was the male nudy show?

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  5. Your boobs look awesome, and huge. Are you pregnant, with tits that much bigger than normal?
    (Feel better? You're welcome.)

    Actually, I'm pretty sure Andy didn't kill you because choking bitches in Vegas is a cliche. And Andy won't bow to cliche's.
    *tries to fit in a bow-chicka-wow-wow segue. Fails.*

    I'm jealous of your Vegas awesome. Little known fact: In 2008 I decided I was going to go to The Vegas in 2010 and RIP IT THE FUCK UP and started saving up. Three months later I got pregnant. The Vegas money paid for baby clothes :( The Vegas remained unripped. The Vegas doesn't even KNOW what it's missing.

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  6. Thank you so much for sharing it.
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  7. Okay, I loved this entire post. This sounds like exactly the kind of experience I hope to have in Vegas someday.

    P.S. "Luckily, he loves (blow jobs) me so he didn't choke me like I'm sure he wanted to." Too funny.

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  8. Absolutely your boobs look big in that picture. And if you're an A cup, your bra fitter was smoking crack. I had someone do that to me once. It was my first fitting after I finished breastfeeding my last baby and NO WAY in hell was I an A cup. I mean, fuck, that better not be my payment for 2 years of breastfeeding.

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  9. So Hi. You just left me a comment that baffled me: "and I was sober."

    Don't lie to me :p

    I had to come here to tell you because I can't e-mail you back from your comment.

    Whatever. Carrying on. Your boobs are incredible and I'd motorboat those bitches in a heartbeat. I like boobies.

    now blowjobs? I don't like blowjobs. But totally blow on his birthday. That tradition should never have started...

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  10. I know that's what you meant, about the fight, but I didn't think you were actually ever sober.

    The whole fighting thing, though? On the last day of a vacation? Totally man-hormones, not wanting to go back to reality or something. Ass.

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  11. I love boobs. I had some naked ones on my neck this past weekend. It was hawt.

    The trip sounds pretty badass. I'm ready to check out Vegas for myself, damn it!

    P.S. - I'd totally motorboat those.

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  12. Boobs!

    Also, thanks for following me. I was confused as to why you did at first, but then I read this entry and realized that you must have been really drunk and still in Vegas when you did it.

    Also also, one time I almost got kicked out of amateur night at a bar because they thought my ridiculously loud drunken laughter was mocking every comedian who was on stage. I wasn't, honestly. It's just that with the more I drink, the more everything is funny. I understand how it feels to receive a "shutthefuckup" look. Those are never fun unless they're given because the person giving it to you would rather be making out instead of talking

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  13. Not too much to say. Except. I want you to know. That this was the best thing I've read in more than a week.

    And YES! Post-stripclub sex is fucking great! Even though people hate admitting it for some reason.

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  14. If your boobs are an A cup then you have permission to slap me. Were you wearing a "helping" bra? Maybe Vegas makes peoples boobs bigger? I'm going to buy my ticket there immediately becasue DAMMIT...I want big boobs too!

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  15. I have deep respect for your stage skills. Kind of jealous. And your boobs look fab. Not even photoshop could help my little ta-tas.

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  16. AH MAH GAH YOUR BOOBS ARE HUGE!!

    Also, I've spent the last week watching every single episode of Always Sunny. I can't stop singing, "Day Man, ah-ah-ahhh, master of karate, and friendship..."

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  17. There is no fucking way those boobs are an A-cup asshat.

    I'm totally jealous of your Vegas vay-kay. It sounds exactly like how my imaginary Vegas vacation always goes. Except mine also involves a midget Elvis and a drive-thru wedding chapel ... not for me though, just like in general.

    I think my version of Vegas was featured on the Simpsons.

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  18. Sara, I've decided we need to take our relationship to the level of being Facebook friends.

    Last name is Gill -- find me!

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  19. You curse too much. WAY too much. Stop.

    Just kidding, I just spent the last hour of my day at work reading all your stuff here. Very entertaining.

    Is it OK if I don't comment on your boobs though? It seems to be a prerequisite and I hope you don't reject my comment due to lack of boob drooling.

    Graci.

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  20. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.

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