Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The One In Which I Meet My Aunt.

Don't you love when you're reading blogs at work and commenting away like a motherfucking ninja commenter and later you forgot that you had left all these magical comments all over the blogosphere and then you see a comment you left last week comparing queefing to burping after a really big meal because queefing is *actually* a compliment from your vagina, I think.

That started off as a question and became a statement. Don't ask. Just move along.

Also, can someone please explain to me why the word vagina ends up in every single one of my posts somehow? I swear I don't plan it this way.

But speaking of vagina...

When I was in 8th grade, ALL my friends had their periods already. They would go have secret grown up vagina talk in the bathroom in between classes, and I was stuck with a stupid loser not-bleedy vagina. Obviously, I lied and said I had started my period, too, because duh! Ohmygodsoembarassing!

And then one day..... I became a woman (so my mother said).

It was a game day, and I was on danceline which meant I had to put on my pretty sparkly uniform and dance at the pep ralley. We danced a kick routine that day. Which means that we kicked our legs way up in the air. Which means that people in the audience could see the general crotchal region. Can you see where this is heading or do I need to do a little more foreshadowing?


*This is the outfit I'm talking about. I'm the awkward dork on the right. Make note of my fatness next to my skinny, adorable middle school best friend.*

When we were performing, I was thinking, "Hmm... my vagina feels kind of soggy. I wonder if this is normal?" Guess what? IT'S FUCKING NOT, BITCH. It means you started your womanly time, and now it's time to haul ass to the ladies' (first to name the movie wins a prize) and put a goddamn diaper pad on.

Unfortunately, future hawt awesome hilarious Sara couldn't communicate with pre-pubescent 8th grade bleedy vagina Sara. Which means that pre-pubescent 8th grade bleedy vagina Sara was stuck with the whole goddamn school seeing her bleedy crotch because those danceline uniforms did NOT leave a lot to the imagination in the crotchal region, yaknowwhatimsayin?

Not only did I flash the entire fucking 8th grade my bleeding cootch, I also had to wear that uniform to the football game that night. And I had to wear pantyhose with that uniform. I'm sure the women see the problem at this point, but I'll explain for the men.

Most girls don't start wearing tampons on their very first period. You have to start at bulky diaper pads that make you feel like you're smuggling pillows in your panties. Bulky diaper pad that makes you feel like you're smuggling pillows in your panties + Pantyhose = DISASTERVILLE. Which resulted in vagina blood being all up on my pantyhose AND my danceline uniform.

And I had to go through this shit on a WEEKLY basis because I couldn't wear tampons until I was in high school. And stop giving me those judgy eyes because putting a tampon in is way fucking harder than it sounds, especially when you're in 8th grade. And sometimes, I've heard from other people, not me, just other people, that occasionally some people will accidentally put the cardboard part that goes around the tampon INSIDE THE VAGINA.

Hint:  IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO GO IN THERE.

But like I said, I'm absolutely not talking about me because hello? I'm super smart and intelligent and can read directions like a mofo even if the directions are not very clear or concise and I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE PICTURE OF THE VAGINA ON THE SIDE OF YOU, BOX. THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE MY VAGINA.

Don't worry; I totes figured out the tampon thing and rock them like a pro now.

(Okay, so it was actually me that put the cardboard part in my vagina. I know, I know. You're shocked, right?)

(Don't ever try that at home. I'm not sure if it's possible for the inside of a vagina to bruise, but I'm pretty mine was bruised like a bitch. Weak ass vagina.)

(Where the fuck is my vagina word counter? You need to get on top of this, ASAP.)

Um, the end?

44 comments:

  1. Someone suggested your blog to me, I don't remember who. But it was clearly a good decision.

    A) I actually snorted at the line "Future hawt awesome hilarious Sara couldn't communicate with pre-pubescent 8th grade bleedy vagina Sara," & at the phrase "smuggling pillows in your panties."

    B) This story is a total nightmare.

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  2. PENIS <------ Had to balance the word vagina :)

    oh and the counter sits at 16 give or take.

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  3. I think I saw this on an episode of Sesame Street.

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  4. I remember when I was introduced to tampons I was like, you want me to put it WHERE?! Now it slides up there like a glove...err, the finger of a glove? TMI, anyone?

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  5. Clueless! We're best friends now.

    When I first started using tampons I would just shove them in between my slit and let my lady lips hold them like a nice hammock. I told my mom I didn't think I was doing it right and asked her if she'd help me. She looked at me with disgust and said, "Batman, what the fuck is wrong with you? Stick it in the goddamn hole. It's not that difficult." Eventually I found the hole, a week later.

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  6. Thanks bitch. Now I have to rewrite my post for tomorrow to include a link to you. Yeah, yeah, so rewrite is a strong word. But I'm still linking you b/c you know great minds thinking alike and all.

    You better get how much I love you.

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  7. That quote's so Clueless, when Cher was trying to lower her tardy count. I used to watch it every Friday with my two best friends.....yes, I was a dork. And I feel your pain. I was a cheerleader and our uniforms were the same way. Eventually I forced myself to use tampons because of the uniforms.

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  8. Funniest shit ever. Thank God I was homeskooled and didn't have to suffer the embarrassment that was middle school.

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  9. Ahahahaha... Horrible!!!! Fucking first periods suck huge donkey balls. Fuck them. Right in the A. No one ever starts them in the privacy of their own home. EVER. Right?

    I love your old pictures here. I'm picturing "child Sara" with "now Sara"'s personality and cracking up.

    When I was in fifth grade, I got my "lady friend" for the first time at school, was so embarrased to go to the nurse to ask for assistance, so instead wadded a buncha toilet paper and put it in my panties. I then went on to gym class. Whereupon my bloddy make-shift maxi pad fell out the bottom of my pants in front of the entire class.

    Gym teacher was not amused.

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  10. i think you mention vagina so much cause your boyfriend isn't mentioning it enough. or maybe you just have penis envy? i know i wish i had one...i have nothing good to say ...i wish i had something funny, quirky or even smart but i GOT NOTHING TODAY! ...just needed to comment cause it's been a while
    alright if quiffs are like vaginal compliments then a little bit of shit left on the dick after anal is the highest compliments of all...hey, that wasn't bad...bye bye

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  11. OMG!!! Traumatising flashbacks to the 7th grade!!!!!!!!!!!

    1) Sweatshirts tied around the ass to hide the blood even though 2 (YES, I SAID TWO!) Kotex, long ass overnight mattresses run from clit to top of ass crack. THANK YOU, ALWAYS, FOR COMING OUT WITH THE BEST PAD EVER....AFTER I HAD TO DEAL WITH LEAKAGE OUT THE SIDES AND HAD TO USE A THIRD PAD TO PUT AROUND THE SIDES OF MY UNDERWEAR!

    2) Never having pads because MY MOTHER MADE US BUY OUR OWN AND MY SISTER WOULDN'T SHARE SO I HAD TO USE MY BABYSITTING MONEY ON DIAPERS!

    3) Worst day EVER and sooo scary to a 7th grader. I am sitting in Chorus (front seat) and I feel sick. I mean, ohmygodcall911 sick. Teacher who didn't really like me that much says, "Nicki, are you OK?" I am GREEN! I ask if I can go to the bathroom. I get the green light..then the RED showed it's ugly self! Fucking blood clot so big that I thought I just miscarried into the toilet even though I never ever had sex!!!

    TMI? Maybe, but you brought the horror back to my brain! =)))

    Luckily for me, I was wayyyyyyyyy too fat to ever participate in anything that required a skirt!

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  12. Clueless!

    Damn, I wasn't first.

    And yes, of course the inside of a vagina can get bruised; you obviously haven't got fucked hard enough in your life. GET ON IT.

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  13. Just commented on Mad Woman's blog about the friend who left the carboard up her cooter all day.

    I used pads for exaclty ONE period, which I got in the fucking SIXTH grade. With 3 older sisters, I'd memorized the tampon inserting instructions by the time I was 8.

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  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  15. I'm with you on the instructions for inserting a tampon. I mean seriously, who's vagina looks like that. And putting my leg up on the toilet only made that shit hurt worse.

    I feel your pain about starting your period in embarrassing places. I was at summer camp and all I could tell the camp counselors, was that I had blood in my underwear, and I couldn't feel it when it happens.

    Those bitches wouldn't even call my mom, they just gave me a couple of pads and made me finish out the rest of the week.

    My mom was furious with them when she picked me up that weekend, oh the joys of childhood.

    p.s. I really need to learn how to edit my comments, hence the deleted comment above. I can't seem to type.

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  16. That last outfit? Exactly why I wasn't a cheerleader/drill-teamer in high school.

    I stuck to drama because I was a cool kid like that.

    Or something...

    I remember when I finally started my period (also in 8th grade) - when I told my mom, she said "oh, good. It's about time. I was starting to think that something was wrong with you."

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  17. vagina! also, you should try the cup. because i said so, that's why. gah! why don't you ever listen to me?

    additonally, you are totally rockin' those boots, dude.

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  18. Who doesn't have a horror story about their period? If you don't, you're a lying whore. That's right, I said it. I earned the lovely nickname of 'Bismarck' in Grade 8 thanks to hemorraghing all over my light wash jeans. For those of you who don't know, Bismarck is what we called the doughnuts filled with jelly. Often strawberry jelly. Get it now? Good.

    Sara, I like your boots but so feel for the girl with the bleedin' vajayjay in front of the whole school. Those people are all losers now anyway and probably love The View and other crappy stuff.

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  19. Vagina Count: 21

    I was like you Sarah...the last of my friends to get my period but one way we differ....I used pads the first time and said FUCKTHATNOISE! BAM right on the cotton plug.

    I've given the tampon talk to a few young girls from my family. I show them the angles, while clothed of course, and the whole bit. I make it pretty damn comical for them yet educational. Plenty of Mothers just don't think to give the talk and just expect us to follow the directions. I looked at them and thought..What the fuck is that??! So I do my best to prevent that confusion in the younger generations. I should have a goddamn tshirt or a badge or something.

    VaGina - 22

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  20. I was definitely that kid who put the whole applicator up there. Except mine were plastic. And I didn't understand why it would leak all over the place. Or why it hurt so fucking badly. So I used those applicator-free O.B. tampons for about a year and then one day it all just sort of "clicked" with me.

    Instructions are way overrated anyway.

    (But omg I am so unbelievably happy that I'm not the only one who did this)

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  21. I'm sick so I'm allowed to be completely unoriginal in the comments section today.

    You're awesome.

    Vagina.

    Like, whatever.

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  22. Seriously - this was one of the funniest posts I have read TO DATE in the bloggy world! You are my new favorite blog for sure! Being the horrible mother that I am I will email your blog to my eldest 2 daughters (21 and 18) to read because I know they will love it and... I don't want them to get the idea that I am less crazy of a mother for doing so! Thanks for making me laugh at work and almost getting me in trouble!

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  23. Jennifer - Coolest. Mom. Ever. Award.

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  24. New here, but will there be any talks or mention of BIG c o c k s?

    Cause I am all about those.

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  25. So you couldn't just tell us about your ex-dancing career with completely grossing us out in the process, huh?

    Anyways, as the post is clearly a segue to the rest of us describing the first time we experienced that monthly, week-long, punch in the gut, this reminds me of how I was not ALLOWED to wear tampons when I was younger. And then one month my period happened to be during the same week as the 8th grade water park trip & I was all, "zomg Mom, ifyoudon'tgetmetamponsI'llhavetositoutthewholedayandlooklikeacompleteloserandwhyareyoualwaysruiningmylifeeeee?" So she got me a pack, fucking generic of course, and I held on to that bad boy like those caved in miners are rationing food.

    Also? VAGINA.

    24 ftw!

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  26. Great post, and I loved the old school photos!

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  27. Kind of makes the awkward middle-school erection I had while shooting free throws in the middle of a game in the 8th grade tame by comparison.

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  28. EXCUSE ME BITCH? DID YOU JUST GIVE SOMEONE ELSE THE COOLEST MOM EVER AWARD? Have we forgotten my ACCENT, which by default makes me FUCKINGAWESOMECOOL?

    Anyjealousrage, I didn't start my period until I was 15 and a half. And then I was traumatised by it. It was a point of fucking PRIDE that I didn't bleed out of my cooch every month. I kept it a secret until I lost my virginity and had to drag a friend along to the clinic with me to get the morning after pill because hey, turns out 15 yr old girls with no self esteem? Not that awesome at insisting on protection. And then my friends were all 'Wait, why do you need the morning after pill if you haven't started your period yet?' and I totally styled it out by saying I was just being RESPONSIBLE, FOR FUCKS SAKE, but I think they knew.

    I've only hd like, 30 periods in my life, including the year that I was on the pill. My body is like 'You want me to what? Bleed? For a week? Fuck that noise.' I'm with you, Body. I'm with YOU.

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  29. I started my period when I was nine. Thought I was dying.

    Bleeding lady-bits...aren't we a lucky bunch.

    PS: VAGINA!

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  30. Thanks for the educational post Sara. The things I learn from your blog. WOW! You should be a teacher or something... :-)

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  31. Oh, Sara. You always make my day 100000000 times better.

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  32. The Vag-Count may be nearing 50.
    My first period I thought I shit my pants. It was brownish. I was 11. I have brothers. So yah, shit. Periods are assholes.

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  33. That's just horrible. God, 8th grade was such an asshole. I got mine in the 8th grade too, I wore paper towels in my panties the whole week.

    I had a skinny whore of a best friend too. Her thighs didn't touch either. Eff them both to hell.

    And Anonymous Batman's tampon placement? So funny.

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  34. I aslo posted a couple of weeks back with a picture of me in a majorette outfit from high school. Please note that although you cannot see it under the uniform, I am wearing a twin mattress under my super-cute pink fluffy outfit. Because my mother sucked balls and wouldn't let me have Le Tampons either. But yeah for finally getting my drivers license and taking my happy, bleeding self to the store for a little box of vajooey gush stoppers.

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  35. 25 Vaginas sitting on a wall...


    I am only counting Vagina not variations of.

    So now that's 27...or is it 56? (Who's gonna catch onto that one?)

    And holy shit Sara...This post ...is a whole lot of bloody talk. LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!

    *hugs*

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  36. hahaha that's great. How embarassing, throwing your legs up in the air with a bloody, red crotch. By the way, vagina is my favorite word. It's so unsexy and "offensive" to other people. Very versatile. lol great blog! Can't wait to read more!

    xo anastasia b

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  37. I now know far more than I ever needed to about the female anatomy.

    Thank you Sara for, once again, reinforcing my homosexuality.

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  38. I totally get your entire story. Everything from the pads to the tampons to have a weak ass vagina. Mine happened smack dab in the middle of gym when I was learning how to do headstands. And I had to balance on someone's shoulders...I could go into details...but I'll spare you the details...because I am sure you can guess...

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  39. You are a brave woman for putting these online. I like to pretend there is no photographic evidence of my life as a kid. Like, the day I was born was also my 18th birthday.

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  40. so many roleplaying ideas.. . .

    better than safari animals.

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  41. "smuggling pillows in your panties" THAT shit cracked me up. I also fucking "bloomed" late. Hate it. Penis envy...sometimes!

    stephanie @ dogtagsanddevotion.com

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