That started off as a question and became a statement. Don't ask. Just move along.
Also, can someone please explain to me why the word vagina ends up in every single one of my posts somehow? I swear I don't plan it this way.
But speaking of vagina...
When I was in 8th grade, ALL my friends had their periods already. They would go have secret grown up vagina talk in the bathroom in between classes, and I was stuck with a stupid loser not-bleedy vagina. Obviously, I lied and said I had started my period, too, because duh! Ohmygodsoembarassing!
And then one day..... I became a woman (so my mother said).
It was a game day, and I was on danceline which meant I had to put on my pretty sparkly uniform and dance at the pep ralley. We danced a kick routine that day. Which means that we kicked our legs way up in the air. Which means that people in the audience could see the general crotchal region. Can you see where this is heading or do I need to do a little more foreshadowing?
*This is the outfit I'm talking about. I'm the awkward dork on the right. Make note of my fatness next to my skinny, adorable middle school best friend.*
When we were performing, I was thinking, "Hmm... my vagina feels kind of soggy. I wonder if this is normal?" Guess what? IT'S FUCKING NOT, BITCH. It means you started your womanly time, and now it's time to haul ass to the ladies' (first to name the movie wins a prize) and put a goddamn diaper pad on.
Unfortunately, future hawt awesome hilarious Sara couldn't communicate with pre-pubescent 8th grade bleedy vagina Sara. Which means that pre-pubescent 8th grade bleedy vagina Sara was stuck with the whole goddamn school seeing her bleedy crotch because those danceline uniforms did NOT leave a lot to the imagination in the crotchal region, yaknowwhatimsayin?
Not only did I flash the entire fucking 8th grade my bleeding cootch, I also had to wear that uniform to the football game that night. And I had to wear pantyhose with that uniform. I'm sure the women see the problem at this point, but I'll explain for the men.
Most girls don't start wearing tampons on their very first period. You have to start at bulky diaper pads that make you feel like you're smuggling pillows in your panties. Bulky diaper pad that makes you feel like you're smuggling pillows in your panties + Pantyhose = DISASTERVILLE. Which resulted in vagina blood being all up on my pantyhose AND my danceline uniform.
And I had to go through this shit on a WEEKLY basis because I couldn't wear tampons until I was in high school. And stop giving me those judgy eyes because putting a tampon in is way fucking harder than it sounds, especially when you're in 8th grade. And sometimes, I've heard from other people, not me, just other people, that occasionally some people will accidentally put the cardboard part that goes around the tampon INSIDE THE VAGINA.
Hint: IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO GO IN THERE.
But like I said, I'm absolutely not talking about me because hello? I'm super smart and intelligent and can read directions like a mofo even if the directions are not very clear or concise and I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE PICTURE OF THE VAGINA ON THE SIDE OF YOU, BOX. THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE MY VAGINA.
Don't worry; I totes figured out the tampon thing and rock them like a pro now.
(Okay, so it was actually me that put the cardboard part in my vagina. I know, I know. You're shocked, right?)
(Don't ever try that at home. I'm not sure if it's possible for the inside of a vagina to bruise, but I'm pretty mine was bruised like a bitch. Weak ass vagina.)
(Where the fuck is my vagina word counter? You need to get on top of this, ASAP.)
Um, the end?