Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Texts From All Day *UPDATED*

I text A LOT during the day. I mean, a lot. I sit in a cubicle so I don't have a whole hell of a lot of human interaction which is why it is completely necessary for my health to text Fiancee alldaylong. However, sometimes he chooses to pretend he doesn't hear my texts and not write me back right away. (Because it couldn't possibly be that he's actually working or anything. Who does that?)

When Fiancee makes the mistake of ignoring me, these are the texts he has to put up with:

Do you think guys made up the "opening doors for women" thing because they just wanted to check out hot girls' asses as they walked by?

The principal from Ferris Bueller is a registered sex offender! That would be one cool fucking sex offender card to get in the mail.

Wonder woman is so not sexy anymore. What's the point of fighting crime if you can't do it in stripper boots and a miniskirt with your cooter hanging out?

Do you remember that part in Emperor's New Groove when Ezma asks Krunk if he can feel the power and he said, "Oh... ... ... ... ... I feel it." I just remembered that and thought you should know.

Oh my God, there is a sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse dot com. Life is complete.

Someone found my blog by googling fuken sexy very small girl. I think they found the wrong girl. I wonder if my blog did it for them.

Louisiana ranks 7th in penis size! Whooooo!

Did you know tons of guys will drink milk from their wives' breasts just to try it? You can never do that. Just FYI.


And sometimes he actually responds, mostly to tell me I'm not as funny as I think I am:

Me: Someone left me a comment that said OMG ROFLMA. Man, I'm so fucking funny.
Him: They weren't literally rolling on the floor laughing their ass off. You're not that funny.
Me: I bet they were. I mean, I am funny.
Him: Not really. Just a little.
Me: I'm soooooo hilarious!!
Him: ......
Me: Sooooooo funny omg haha rofl lololol
Him: I disagree

And speaking of Fiancee telling me I'm not funny....

He also things that I can't possibly reach 100 followers. Which is why I need YOU to help me! And once this challenge is over, you can unfollow me, no hard feelings. But the prize at stake is incredibly important.

If I win, Fiancee will have to take me to a nice seafood dinner and never call me again. (Name that movie!)

And I want some fucking seafood, okay?

Also, I put a new picture up of me actually blogging from home. So you can go ahead and masturbate to that image.

You're welcome.


Okay, so it's not really fair that I'm asking you guys to go through all the trouble of "following" so I can get a nice seafood dinner and you guys aren't getting anything in return. And I'm obviously a very giving person, ifyouknowwhatimean. So I want you guys to have a little sumthin' sumthin' if I reach my goal.

Unfortunately, I have no ideas as of right now. So why don't you let me know? Throw some shit out there that you want me to do for you (blow jays don't count....) (unless you live in northeast Louisiana and then it's fair game), and it shall be done.

Make it extra embarassing, please. I mean, seriously. I know you guys. You're probably going to choose some cheesy ass shit that I could do in my sleep. But no. I want to be embarassed for your viewing pleasure.

My only rules are no sex on camera (I do that enough, y'all) and no nudity (unless you ask really, really nicely.)

Bring it, bitches.


  1. Mmmm...I'm pretty sure those text messages are awesome. Now, where can I find a guy that will put up with that shit and still have sexy time with me later?

    Name that to lose a guy in 10 days?

    I refused to breast feed when I had my kid. But I kind of wanted to squeeze some of that stuff into a few drinks when people pissed me off. Just for shits and giggles. Sigh. I never did. And now I'll never have the opportunity again. You know what that means? You have to do it for me. You know, later.

  2. OMG. You are my favorite. Sometimes I do that too: "Did you know that Ludacris is 5'7??" I also think I'm quite hilarious. He doesn't.

    And guess what. I'm following you now and I'm #69! Hahaha, ohhhhMAN I'm SO funny.

  3. HA

    Awesome. I'm adding this to my favourites.

    She also looks like Owen Wilson.

  4. "I brought those cookies we made last night to work today to give away. I have a feeling I'm really going to regret that decision after we get high tonight."

    I Love it! Also where do you find where your state ranks in penis size? That's a website i need to find. I suggest dressing up like a drag queen if/when you get to a 100 followers (also totally jealous since i'm at like 10)

  5. You are funny. I need to start doing that when my Boyfriend doesn't respond to me.

  6. 1) "I brought those cookies we made last night to work today to give away. I have a feeling I'm really going to regret that decision after we get high tonight." - Oh yeah. Big time.

    2) This "seafood dinner" thing is FUCKING KILLING ME. I know I've seen it a hundred times and I don't wanna look it up or ask anyone. Bear with me for a second please...

    Fuck. It's Anchorman. I cheated. Don't judge me.

  7. After having two kids and being pregnant with a third (I KNOW, I'M FUCKING INSANE, RIGHT?) my husband has yet to try my breast milk. And it shall remain that way.

    Now let me figure out how the hell to follow you. I feel like I'm a part of a doomsday cult. Don't let me drink the punch, OK?

  8. ok i think BF is totally wrong cause you are so funnny and i do roll on the floor like a little kitty when i read your texts so tell him to suck it! also ROFL kind of reminds me of Ralph which is what happens after i read your blog cause i can't breath from laughing so thanks for making me rofl and ralph, it's a bit messy but worth it

    also,Thanks for the new image i needed some variety i was getting bored masturbating to the old pic but now i have months of new fun ahead.

    so seeing as you are afraid of cockroaches, if we help you out in getting to the 100 mark, you should have to film yourself having one crawl on your arm or something for a full minute...that would be the best video ever to watch i can just see you squirming around now! lol

  9. I'm in the same situation as you, in a cubicle with limit human contact. I'm either sending Manfriend messages on BlackBerry Messenger, MSN, or text to his iphone. When he doesn't answer I just change the topic to something dirty that I would like to do to him and SHAZAAMM he answers.

    I don't really use "Shazam," but there's an engineer here who does ALL the time. No coolness badge for him.

  10. Okay, hi, have we met? obvi not. but we basically have the same life...

    well except that your apparently engaged...

    but anyways, i spend my whole day texting from in my cube also.

    high five!

    ::folowing you::

  11. I kinda miss the old Wonderwoman costume. WHAT in the heck is this changing it after all these years?!?! Talk about having nothing to do.

  12. ANCHORMAN! i rock.

    totally just went to the sjp looks like a horse website and it was magical. truly magical.

    also, how on earth did you find out what the state rankings for penis size are? i might have to move...

  13. could always just come and visit us on our blogs and leave a comment or two. THat'd be cool :)

    But unfortunately I don't 'follow'. I just lurk suspiciously.

    Your fiance and my Beloved have obviously read the same 'text return code'.

  14. OWO - That breast milk idea sounds so great, I'm sort of considering getting pregnant now just for that reason. Plus if I get pregnant right NOW, I have three months after baby is born to lose weight and be hot for my wedding. Classy? I think so.

    hellotaylor - Follower number 69?! I feel like I should give you a "gift", ifyouknowwhatimean. Bowchickawowwow...

    Gemma - I could definitely see the Owen Wilson thing. Although I think Owen could pull off a dress a whole hell of a lot better than SJP, the transvestite donkey witch (South Park reference!)

    Coyote Rose - The penis size stats were on the front Yahoo page one day. Weird, right? I just tried googling it for you, but the first site I clicked on was porn. And I'm kind of at work. I swear, the things I do for you people...

    undomestic chica - Either that... or start texting them dirty things. Both seem to work wonders in making them pick the fucking phone up.

    Dan - I was starting to think there were no true Anchorman fans out there... "I want to be on you."

    Cassie - Oh, I definitely plan on starting a cult. But I think instead of punch that will kill you, I'll just have punch that will get you FUCKED up. Sound fun?

    Patricia - I'm considering the cockroach thing. I sat at work for about three minutes thinking of how I would do it and could feel myself breaking out in hives. We'll see.... Also, you are possibly the coolest commenter ever.

    CrktsGalore - So I read the first part and I was all, "Ohmygod, Shazam is an awesome word. I'm going to start using it all the time!" and then I read the next paragraph and was like..... fuck.

    SBG - *low five!* We could be engaged to each other? Or have a three-way engagement? Ooooh, kinky!

    Annah - Agreed. Wonderwoman is supposed to look a little whore-y. What are nerdy 15 year old boys going to jack off to now??

    aladdinsane12 - I think you're the first person to get the correct answer without cheating! Maybe I should send you a prize. Also, see above for what went down when I tried to find the website I used for state penis rankings.

    grumpy - I've been trying to make my way around to some people who hang around here. I've also found some badass blogs because of it which I plan on writing about soon. I'll be visiting yours soon! Oh, also. While I'm there, can I use the bathroom? Onesies only?

  15. 1: Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! Anchorman is amazing

    2: I once sent boyfriend the entire alphabet, one letter at a time because he made the mistake of ignoring me.

    3: You are fucking hilarious.

  16. hahah I do the same thing to my boyfriend... so many texts messages filled with really really important information.

    Also- wtf ferris buller principal!? I had no idea.... except he did spend a whole day chasing a kid around town just for calling in sick... and breaking into his house.... it was a little creepy.

  17. I have way too much reading to do. Thanks for being fucking awesome.

    love the sara/horse site, crap on a stick!

  18. shit, i'm gonna start following you now just because you asked. also, you are amusing. so am i, occasionally, check out my blog if you're bored.
    as far as prizes go, i'd just give you my number and you could text ME those random things all day, because obviously i appreciate your humor far more than the man, yeah?
    : ]

  19. I have just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the hottest virtual strippers on my desktop.