I text A LOT during the day. I mean, a lot. I sit in a cubicle so I don't have a whole hell of a lot of human interaction which is why it is completely necessary for my health to text Fiancee alldaylong. However, sometimes he chooses to pretend he doesn't hear my texts and not write me back right away. (Because it couldn't possibly be that he's actually working or anything. Who does that?)
When Fiancee makes the mistake of ignoring me, these are the texts he has to put up with:
Do you think guys made up the "opening doors for women" thing because they just wanted to check out hot girls' asses as they walked by?
The principal from Ferris Bueller is a registered sex offender! That would be one cool fucking sex offender card to get in the mail.
Wonder woman is so not sexy anymore. What's the point of fighting crime if you can't do it in stripper boots and a miniskirt with your cooter hanging out?
Do you remember that part in Emperor's New Groove when Ezma asks Krunk if he can feel the power and he said, "Oh... ... ... ... ... I feel it." I just remembered that and thought you should know.
Oh my God, there is a sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse dot com. Life is complete.
Someone found my blog by googling fuken sexy very small girl. I think they found the wrong girl. I wonder if my blog did it for them.
Louisiana ranks 7th in penis size! Whooooo!
Did you know tons of guys will drink milk from their wives' breasts just to try it? You can never do that. Just FYI.
VANILLA FUCKING ICE IS GOING TO BE AT FAT DADDY'S SATURDAY NIGHT OHMYGOD
And sometimes he actually responds, mostly to tell me I'm not as funny as I think I am:
Me: Someone left me a comment that said OMG ROFLMA. Man, I'm so fucking funny.
Him: They weren't literally rolling on the floor laughing their ass off. You're not that funny.
Me: I bet they were. I mean, I am funny.
Him: Not really. Just a little.
Me: I'm soooooo hilarious!!
Me: Sooooooo funny omg haha rofl lololol
Him: I disagree
And speaking of Fiancee telling me I'm not funny....
He also things that I can't possibly reach 100 followers. Which is why I need YOU to help me! And once this challenge is over, you can unfollow me, no hard feelings. But the prize at stake is incredibly important.
If I win, Fiancee will have to take me to a nice seafood dinner and never call me again. (Name that movie!)
And I want some fucking seafood, okay?
Also, I put a new picture up of me actually blogging from home. So you can go ahead and masturbate to that image.
Okay, so it's not really fair that I'm asking you guys to go through all the trouble of "following" so I can get a nice seafood dinner and you guys aren't getting anything in return. And I'm obviously a very giving person, ifyouknowwhatimean. So I want you guys to have a little sumthin' sumthin' if I reach my goal.
Unfortunately, I have no ideas as of right now. So why don't you let me know? Throw some shit out there that you want me to do for you (blow jays don't count....) (unless you live in northeast Louisiana and then it's fair game), and it shall be done.
Make it extra embarassing, please. I mean, seriously. I know you guys. You're probably going to choose some cheesy ass shit that I could do in my sleep. But no. I want to be embarassed for your viewing pleasure.
My only rules are no sex on camera (I do that enough, y'all) and no nudity (unless you ask really, really nicely.)
Bring it, bitches.