Friday, July 16, 2010

The One In Which I Almost Get Murdered.... Twice... At Least I'm Pretty Sure

So, I would ask you how your weekend was, but I'm really just asking you so that you'll ask me so I can tell you about it. Anyselfishbitchiness, I got pretty drunken Saturday night to the point of thinking I was cool and totally not going to be sick at 2 am when I went to bed except then I woke up at 5 am and ralphed for like ten minutes so that was fun. And, wouldn't you know it? I was unselfish enough to think to take a picture of me post-Pukefest '10, party of one. That's a grimace, by the way. Because puking sucks.



And hows about you stop staring at that ugly ass wallpaper that I haven't had a chance to cover yet. I see you. Moving on to the part in which I almost got killed...

Despite how my blog reads, I am typically a very nice person. Especially at work. Because I gots to keep that money flowing in, yaknowhwatimsayin'?

The other day at work, I was outside smoking a cigarette and reading a book (NOT a book from the "teen" section of the library because that would be so super embarassing, okay it was, stopjudgingme) when I saw a man I didn't recognize leaving my building.

Since I didn't know who he was, I probably held eye contact for one split second too long trying to figure out who he was.

MISTAKE NUMBER ONE, Y'ALL.

Because I kept eye contact for one split second too long (the longest fucking second of my life, by the way), the man thought I was up for some chatting.

"How are you doing today?" he asked me as he walked past. "Oh, I'm fine, how are you?" I replied.

MISTAKE NUMBER TWO.

Do not. I repeat DO. NOT. ask a creepy looking person how they're doing. Fucking end of your life.

He started talking about some stupid shit nonsense - I'm not really sure what because I started making my grocery list about ten seconds into the conversation. While I was debating whether or not Oreos really needed to be on the grocery list (they do, by the way), I noticed him pointing at the tattoo on my foot.



"I really like your tattoo. My daughter just got a tattoo."

"Oh, mhm, that's nice," I said, resembling one of those mothers in Walmart who is obviously not listening to their kid babble on and on. At this point, I started backing up slowly to the door, hoping to make a smooth escape. Unfortunately, Creepy McCreeperson did not pick up on that vibe.

"Yeah, I got a tattoo recently at Skin Works. It's pretty badass," he bragged as he stared at my non-existent chest.

(Aside: Seriously, y'all. If someone is looking at my boobs, they are obviously desperate. There's nothing there to look at, I promise. I'm like a prepubescent boy for Christ's sake.)

Then with no warning, he twirled around and TOOK. OFF. HIS. AFFLICTION. SHIRT. so I could see his tattoo.

A) Nastyassbackfat. (I had to type that all as one word because it's making me a little gaggy.) (Speaking of gaggy....) (Ok, no, I can't go into a blow jay joke while talking about this guy. Scratch that.) So, yeah. The back fat. Hawtandsexyy'all.

B) Who the FUCK takes their shirt completely off to show someone they don't even fucking know a tattoo? I mean, I know I'm weird, but seriously?

C) AFFLICTION. SHIRT. I don't think I have to explain this one.

D) The actual tattoo itself. Now I didn't snap a picture fast enough, but this is a pretty close replica of what the tattoo looked like:



A motherfucking wolf. Howling at a motherfucking moon. On his motherfucking back. My face turned red because I was trying so, so hard not to think of this:



(On a positive note, I'm pretty sure I just found Fiancee's birthday present.)

Anycreepywolftattoo, I was still backing up slowly towards the door the whole time Mr. McCreeperson was talking. Here are some of the conversation topics I was forced to listen to as I inched my way closer and closer to sweet, sweet relief:

1. He got hit by a train. No, really. He has a plate in his arm and everything. You probably think I'm a bitch now, but I think you must have forgotten.

Wolf.

Tattoo.

2. He has a daughter who just started college. After telling me this, he says, "I know I don't look old enough to have a daughter in college," ::smug grin waiting for confirmation from scared & confused girl who just wants to get the fuck back to her desk:: (I did not give that confirmation, by the way.)

3. His marriage is on the rocks.

4. He hates Louisiana. (Yeah? Fuck you, too, asshole! We don't want you here anyways.)

After all these topics, I had finally inched my way to the door, opened it, and was standing with my body inside the office and my head peeking around the corner of the door still saying, "Mhm. Oh okay. Yeah, that's interesting. Mhm. I think I'm just gonna go in-- Oh, you don't say? Well, yes, it is hot today. Maybe because it's July in LOUISI-FUCKING-ANA?"

And the conversation pretty much went like that for another fifteen minutes.

I'm really not sure how I made it back to my desk. In between the second half of the conversation and getting to my desk, I'm pretty sure I blacked out just like the first time I ever got kissed because it was so horrible and awkward and during the movie Finding Nemo and I wanted to pretend it never happened because the only reason it happened was because the guy wouldn't stop fucking staring at me all creepy-like, and I'm pretty sure he was trying to figure out just exactly how he could murder me and I don't care that it was only 8th grade IT COULD HAPPEN, OKAY?

Wait, what?

So yeah, I survived.

Also, if you didn't notice, I reached 100 followers the other day and FUCK YES, SEAFOOD DINNER! I really owe you guys one. Or two. Or two thousand because seafood is the shit.

So now I just need to figure out how to reward you guys (bowchicawowwow, ifyouknowwhatimsayin') via this little old blog here. And no one gave me ideas because you're as uncreative as me apparently. I would give something away, but I'm pretty sure you guys don't want any shit I have to offer. (Besides blow jays, but like I said -- I can't travel all over the country to give BJs okay?)

**I don't know how this next paragraph came to be. I'm pretty sure that being at work is making me delirious. You might want to skip over it because I don't think BabyJesus will like you being associated with me.

Don't get BJ confused because sometimes it stands for "blow jay" but other times it stands for "BabyJesus". It's really all in the context clues.

For instance, "My girlfriend is going to give me a BJ when I get home from work, yo." (I'm pretty sure that's how dudes talk when girls aren't around, right?) BJ stands for: Blow jay. You should have known that.

Next up, "Thank goodness BJ invented the internet." BJ stands for: BabyJesus. Everyone knows that the sweet BabyJesus invented the internet.

Next, "I can't wait for BJ time tonight!" You really have to be able to read the person on this one. If it's a dude, they're probably talking about blow jays. If it's a super religious creeper, they're probably referring to BabyJesus. Context clues, people, context clues!

**Okay, this crazy is over. Moving on.

So for reals though, I need to think of something to give you as a present AKA I need you to think of something and then I'll just pretend I thought of it because that's how the world works.

Oh, and I almost forgot to put on here that Fiancee has never read my blog before because he obviously doesn't love me enough. Except once he found out I had reached 100 followers, he wanted to check it out and "see why people care what you have to say".

After reading three posts, do you know what his response was as to whether or not I'm funny?

"I live this every single day, Sara."

So basically, he doesn't love me as much as you guys love me. That's what you got out of that, right?



*Also, every single time I'm watching a movie / tv show / commercial and one woman says to another woman, "Can I ask you a question?" I always expect them to say, "Do you ever get that not so fresh feeling?"

*So this is getting really long, but I need to know something, like, now. I emailed Heather and somehow, I mean, I'm not sure how, okay I brought up picking your nose in the car and she said she didn't do that so then I felt a little weird at least until she told me that she does it in bed and flicks them over on her husband's side of the bed and all is fair in love and war is what I always say.

So do you have that certain place you pick your nose? Because the car is my go-to spot for nose picking. Not when other people are in my car with me, though, duh. #donthate

Oh! And I got a new header. So ch-ch-ch-check it out.

36 comments:

  1. Sometimes I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says "Crazy people, come talk to me." Too often I found myself mysteriously in a conversation with a stranger from the street who just needs to tell me their life story. I don't know why this happens.

    Funny story!

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  2. Hmm...strange guy, probably just lonely. I was walking home the other day and a guy was walking towards me and he was smoking and I could hear him talking to himself, and I'm pretty sure he said "stupid cu#t" when he walked by me.

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  3. I'm with theTsaritsa on this one. All the time! I totally empathize with the tattoo bit, too. Mine's just a little one on my wrist, but the creepers apparently spend enough of their time scanning their victim's body to find little things like that. Creeeeeeepy.

    And I pick my nose in the car, too. And also my bedroom. And sometimes in restrooms. And also at work and in restaurants and all the time. Ew, no, just kidding. Or am I?

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  4. A picture of yourself post-puke? BRILLIANT!!!

    And I'm pretty sure I had that wolf T-shirt on my blog at some point!!!

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  5. super religious creeper.

    i'm pretty sure you are inside my head.

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  6. My husband has the exact same response to my blog as in living it. He says that in front of people in an effort to get a laugh. Which sometimes he does. If his parents are the audience. Lame. Anyway, this was awesome and I love that buddy doesn't have any boundaries because he provided you with material for a very funny post. Creepy. So which BJ do you think that guy likes more? Nice post-puke photo.

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  7. Now everytime the word BJ is used in sexytime I think of BabyJesus.

    And you look waaay better post-puke than me. You know that CrunchyNut Cornflake ad where the milkman puts the milk on the door and a ladyman hairy pedophile looking thing opens the door and asks the milkman if he wants to come in for breakfast and seductive and vom-inducing? And the milkman says yes because he sees the CrunchyNut and now he's probably going to get a-raped by the ladyman moustache thing but that's okay because he'll get to eat CrunchyNut? Well, when it's a close up on the thing's face on the tv, my lovely boyfriend turned to me and said,

    "That looks like you when you're hungover!"

    True story. I am so hot.

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  8. First of all you had me at affliction shirt, but the wolf tat/tee sent me over the edge in love. There's a movie out called "Winter's bone" it's an intense film, but I found great comedic relief at the fact that about 90 percent of the cast wore wolf howling at the moon t's the majority of the time. I was in W.T. heaven.

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  9. I don't as many crazy people talking to me anymore since I've mastered the "Back the hell up" scowl. And if that doesn't work, I just give an uncomfortable laugh and say "okay bye" in a rude dismissive tone and walk away.

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  10. You're hot.
    Your first kiss was in the 8th grade? I feel like such a slut. One who would never get murdered because I NEVER give "the eye contact." EVER.
    Not to mention, I was number 100. Didn't like seeing that "99" sitting over there - just all pathetic and sad.  Clearly your Finance doesn't realize what a good thing he's got.
    I pick my nose in the bathroom at work and the car. In the car, they get schmeared on the nasty hard carpet stuff that's under the seat. Where the seat levers are. Got to be careful you don't get it ON the lever. Because Ew

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  11. When I saw the wolf shirt I could only think of the time I was at my boyfriends old fraternity house when his "brothers" were obsessed with Walmart & the Hangover. They all bought that shirt to show their "wolfpack status".

    Glad you aren't dead.
    love the blog!

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  12. MMmmmm Tea and Irish Cream...Oh whats that? You're at work?? mwahahahah

    I had to google Affliction T-Shirts and what I figured out is that it's like the Wallyworld (Walmart) version of Ed Hardy? So it's like, scroattastic?

    Well there's nothing like booze and reading your blog first thing in the morning. Thanks chickadee.

    Me thinks I shall post once I'm a bit more looseygoosey this morn. Fuck it, I can be drunk before noon.

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  13. You know i imagine you these posts as one long run on sentence. Where you don't breathe between words while you are talking. Don't ask me why i think this.

    But seriously, what 40 year old mother fucker with children just takes off his shirt to show some random person he just met his tattoo. There are people who have known me for years and don't even know i have them!

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  14. 1) At least the tattoo was on his back.

    2) Send me a new N64 controller.

    3) I've seen people look much worse at 5 a.m. post-vomit.

    4) I actually talked about backfat with my reporting staff in great detail last week. Let's just say it's a turnoff when you can titty-fuck someone's back.

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  15. If you ever find away to disable the weirdo magnet let me know, mine is still running at full power.

    Nose (and indeed any other body part) picking is generally reserved for dog walks when out in the middle of the countryside. The dogs don't seem to mind. I also find having a one-eyed husband useful as you can do pretty much anything you like so long as you're on his blind side.

    You definitely look better than I ever have post puke.

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  16. Yup, 5 out of 16 commentors (now 6 of 15) agree that Sara Swears a Lot is hot post puke.

    I too pick my nose in my car (and just like MommaKiss, wipe it off on the faux carpet). I'm also a in bed picker, but only after the husband goes to sleep. Then I wipe it off the elastic band of the fitted sheet and ONLY there. Its a neurosis.

    My hubs said if I can make money blogging he'd know how to make me viral.

    Um, dude, I don't want to go to the cootchie doc just cause the dough is rolling in.


    Am I right? or am I right?

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  17. oh, and those shoes are hot.

    I need a pedicure.

    And a BJ.

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  18. lol affliction = douchebag. what a creeper!

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  19. I ramble when Im scared of a Murdering Wolf Tattooed dude too! I love Seafood!

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  20. One time I was waiting at the bus stop and this guy walking past me totally just tried to kill me with a bag of beer for no motherfucking reason. TRUE STROY, I swear to god. It's in my blog so obviously it's true.

    Also, as far as prizes go, I totally vote bukake. I'm betting you know what bukake is. If you don't, GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH THAT SHIT.

    My first kiss was in what I think translates to 10th grade. I was not an awesomely sexy teenager.

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  21. If you don't know and you google image search....you can never go back.

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  22. OMG, Bukake. I remember that from an old radio show, opie & anthony. dirty rotten bastards, those guys.
    and yes - i'm back. to read more, now that i'm not on my phone.
    and i love the comments as much as the post!

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  23. Us Sara's have some psychotic link because I too was puking early Saturday morning. My face was a wee bit more pissed off.

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  24. Hahaha I probably would've died laughing if I saw that tattoo. Like, YIKES. And zomg I had such a pukey Saturday. I passed out in the lawn and puked in our garden. Also in some trash can. EWWW.

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  25. So you know that when you said you had no boobies I had to scroll back up to your post-puke picture to check 'em out?

    Yup.

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  26. Tsaritsa - Maybe you're smiling too much? I've noticed that's when creepers get me the most.

    Allison - Must have been the cigarette. I hear smokers are typically assholes.

    Matt - "scanning their victim's body" ! Now that you put it like that, it freaks the shit out of me. Officially going to start wearing tennis shoes everywhere! Also, I say restrooms are the best spot for nose picking without feeling gross. It's like it's expected in there, right? But do you ever have a fear that it's a 2-way mirror?? Because that's what always freaks me the fuck out.

    DateMeDC - Yeah, I totally wouldn't have taken it if I looked toooooo much of a hot mess. I'm just trying to make you guys think I'm hotter than I really am. Thank you, internet!

    the grumbles - Like those ones that try to catch you at your house so you have to turn all the lights off and dive down on the floor and be really quiet for, like, 20 minutes? I always feel like I'm in Mission Impossible when the churchy kids come by.

    Penny Lane - First off, I'm wondering if my dog somehow figured out how to work the computer and left a comment on my blog because Penny Lane probably isn't that common a name for people, right? Wouldn't even surprise me...
    Second of all, I'm pretty sure the creeper likes blow jays better, but he could REALLY use some babyjesus in his life.

    MissLiv - I'm really glad I put BabyJesus in your head during sexytime. Do you picture him sitting on the headrest of your bed while he's staring down at you disapprovingly. Also, I looked EVERYWHERE for that commercial you were talking about, but I can't find it which makes me sad. HOWEVER, I did find another awesome commercial for Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, and I'm pretty sure you have just set up my next blog post. Even though I didn't see the commercial, your comment still made me laugh, and I read it out loud to Fiancee : )

    Katy - "Winter's Bone" purchased on Amazon now. No, I am not kidding.

    NTB - Maybe I should just wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck a la Mitch Hedberg.

    MommaKiss - I was a pretty huge prude as a kid so there was no way a guy could have kissed me before then. I used to get ohmygodsoembarassed about holding hands with boys. And I had no clue you were my number 100! I feel like I should give you a present. ; ) bowchicawowwow

    Ella - I had completely forgotten that shirt was in The Hangover. I first heard about it on dlisted.com. I'm going to have to find the link because it's ah-maz-ing.

    CkretsGalore - I would say it's the Walmart version of Ed Hardy except the shirts are super expensive. That's what makes them so douchey. Dudes spend like $40 on one shirt just because MMA fighters wear them. Totally lame.

    Coyote Rose - When I write these posts, I feel like I'm typing without taking a breath. Maybe that's what happens when you type 100 wpm (holla!) I have a tattoo on my hip and NO ONE knows I have it because I don't take off my fucking pants to show everyone.

    Danaconda - 1. Seriously. What if it had been on his dick?? 2. I would send you one, but I use the cheap ass off brand versions of the N64 controllers that look nothing like the original. That's what happens when you're broke as a joke. 3. I've looked a fuck of a lot worse on any given day without being sick at all. #embarassing 4. "titty-fuck someone's back" made me a little ill. Thanks for that.

    TheSchwartz - Picking your nose on dog walks is cool and all, but what if you get a clinger? Then you have to lean down and wipe it on the grass which is super awkward, right? Not that I would have any experience with that....

    tee - I could probably make an exception or two......

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  27. Mad Woman - I'm glad I'm not the only one who wipes on the carpet in the car. I feel bad for anyone who gets my car if I sell it. There's probably a lot of nasty down at the bottom underneath my seat. And I think I could totally handle the coochie doc if I could make a ton of money. But I'm kind of a cheap whore.

    And I'm assuming you meant you need BabyJesus, right? That's what I always figure Fiancee means when he says that.

    SBG - Glad other people know the signs of a douche when they see one!

    BransMuffin - I was trying to just stay really, really quiet and creep away, but I don't think anything would have worked on this guy.

    Arienette - Oh man, I always look forward to your comments. Also, YOU ARE SO FUCKING GROSS I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOOGLED IT OHMYGOD MY EYESSSSSSS!!!!!

    CkretsGalore - I read your warning, but for some reason I DID IT ANYWAYS OH GROSSGROSSGROSS.

    MommaKiss - Seriously, you guys are way fucking funnier than me. Stop leaving comments that make me look bad!!!

    But really, please keep leaving funny comments. It makes my day so much better.

    fsubucketlist - Mine probably would have looked more pissed off if I was doing my usual dry heaving shit, but this was a good puke, I think. (Am I an alcoholic if I have "good pukes" and "bad pukes"?)

    hellotaylor - I am so glad that all of us were puking on Saturday. I feel like we're connected in some hungover pukefest kind of way, you know?

    grumpy - I'm pretty sure I was wearing a padded bra in that picture, too.

    Bitch.

    Just kidding.

    Kindof.

    *I'm half asleep at my desk and not reading this over so let's just pretend I sound normal and not fucking insane. Well, normal for me, at least.

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  28. The fact that you trusted me (misguided!)? Totes enough to make me consider your debt paid off. Just the knowledge that any time you shower for the next fortnight, you're going to have THAT image in your head is enough for me.

    Enjoy feeling the spray on your face, through your hair, in your eyes....

    You're welcome.

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  29. lol - that 'yup' wasn't to confirm the no boobies - it was more of a 'yup - I am a dirty pervert and I did that' (the scroll back)

    I think your boobies are fine. I mean, I bet you can wear cool backless tops and shit, right? ;)

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  30. Sara, you got it ALL wrong. I mean, thank BJ I am here to straighten you out.

    First off, if your husband/significant other/fiancee doesn't read your blog, you stop giving BJs. Not to be confused with Baby Jesus.

    Second off, you don't flick nighttime boogers on your husband's side of the bed! For one thing, when you do IT, you do IT on his side of the bed so he has to sleep in the wet spot, and if you've been flicking boogers on his side of the bed, guess what? You're laying in boogers.

    NO!

    You flick them OVER the side of the bed, so they land on the floor. You do this while your husband/SO/Fiancee is sleeping so he'll think you're such a lady that you never pick your nose. Then you can vacuum them up later.

    You are welcome.

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  31. And when I say "do IT" I'm talking about sex, not booger flicking. In case there is any confusion.

    You do IT (sex) on his side of the bed so he gets the wet spot, which is why you do NOT flick the boogers on his side of the bed. Make sense?

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  32. 1. I'm pretty sure you're lucky to be alive.
    2. I love the new header
    3. BabyJesus also invented prescription drugs, condoms, and nipple clamps.
    4. Do you ever get that not so fresh feeling line = brilliant.
    5. CONGRATS ON 100!
    6. If your fiance doesn't shape up, one of us will have to take his place. And by us, I mean me myself and I.

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  33. THREE WOLF MOON SHIRT! i love you.

    congrats on 100! do you follow yourself? i'm trying to debate whether or not i want to start following myself...i'm VERY tempted to, as i would be my 69th follower, and we all know the importance of that magic number.

    way to attract a total creeper! you know he wanted to take you back to his trailer, kick his wife out for the night, and have you make love to his sweet tattoo...

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  34. I am always, ALWAYS paranoid about getting murdered/kidnapped. Seeing a big work van with no windows in the back is one of the scariest things ever. I avoid those like the plague.

    Also, if I see the same person more than twice inside of a store or something, I automatically think they are following me/plotting my demise. I am so jumpy and paranoid.

    also, ILOVEYOURBLOG. <3

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