Monday, July 26, 2010

Not it!: The Story of Fiancee & Sara Swears a Lot (Part 1)

We're changing things up around here today... Your regularly scheduled hilarity will be back next week!

The first day I met Fiancee was my first day working in an office. I was the new Administrative ASSistant at 18 years old, just 5 months after I graduated from high school. I remember it being a great day, mainly because I wouldn't be working a job that required me to wear a visor (::cough:: SONIC ::cough::), and I actually got my very own desk! Squeeee!

My new supervisor walked me around the tiny office, introducing me to the only seven people that could actually fit inside. Most were old, fat men whose names I wouldn't remember for weeks. But there was one man that stood out. She introduced him as Andy, but I would later find out that everyone else called him Andrew.

My first thought was that he was cute in that computer geek kind of way which is just my type. But for some reason, I thought he was much, much older than me. I'd never worked in an office before, and I assumed anyone working in an office must be at least 30. Because I assumed he was so much older, I also assumed he would be married or have kids or something along those lines.

For the first six months of working there, I rarely spoke to him because every time I did, it just became one big, embarassing mess. I would be standing at the copier, copying a stack of papers when Andy would walk by and say, "Good morning, Sara," which would result in my face turning beet red, tripping on my heel, and papers flying everywhere.

There were also many moments when I would try to make a joke with him around that came out all wrong. The rest of the afternoon would be spent beating myself up about it, thinking about what I should have said and how ridiculous I sounded.

The first day we really had a conversation still sticks out pretty vividly in my mind. There was some project that needed to be done for his team. I didn't have anything to do so my supervisor sent me to help. It was incredibly boring work, but it did keep the two of us standing right next to each other while doing work that didn't require a lot of thinking.

This is the first time I remember being myself around Andy. I'm pretty sure I spent the entire two hours making fun of his taste in music, movies, and television. One of the best things about him that first day was that he held his own. Instead of just laughing at my jokes, he made fun of me right back for my love of alternative/indie music that nobody's ever heard of.

"Oh, I just surf Myspace until I find a band no one has ever heard of to be my favorite band. And then once they become popular, I don't want to like them anymore because I'm an indie rocker."

After that particular day, I looked forward to going to work every day. I would find ways to sneak in to his office on a daily basis so I could start a conversation. His office held the only three-hole punch, and I would often bring blank pieces of paper in there to hole punch just so I could talk to him. Later, those papers would just be thrown away.

My favorite thing about Andy was that he never looked taken aback no matter what conversation topic I brought up. We often talked about hookers, why their lack of teeth was so beneficial to the ahem, process, and I spent many days asking him to please pick one up just so he could tell me what it was like. I babbled on and on, trying to cover any silence so he would realize what an interesting and beautiful and amazing and perfect girlfriend material kind of girl I was. And somehow? He didn't think I was the weirdest girl on the planet.

After a few months of talking at work, social networking provided us with a way to exchange phone numbers without being creepy and ruining our work relationship. For a few more months after that, I texted him every single night until I fell asleep with my fingers still on my phone when I woke up.

(I even had a drunken night at one point where I sent him a text message that said, "So when are we gonna make out?")

This is the point where Andy and I have differing stories. I'm pretty certain that I'm the one who asked him out on a movie date, but he thinks he did. Whatever the truth is, the date was set for a Friday night movie to see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.

I spent HOURS planning my outfit for that night. Something comfortable and casual, but also hot and sexy, but not too sexy because I don't want to look like a slut, but just sexy enough to make him think about having sex with me, but I'm not shaving my legs because I need a reminder that I can't have sex with him tonight because it's the first time we are actually going on a date date.

Being a girl is fucking tough, okay?

So the night of the date came around, and saying I was nervous would be quite the understatement. I was practically that girl with the note cards in her pocket just in case any awkward silences arose. My heart was beating about a million miles a minute, and I was sweating like a fucking dude. (Attractive, I know.)

I told Andy that I would drive to his house and he could drive us to the movies from there. I, of course, was late as usual. When we were in his car and heading to the movie theater, I said, "You should really just get used to this. I'm kind of late to everything."

(Aside: You are so lucky I love you guys because I'm going to get a lot of shit for that last paragraph. Andy and I always fight about who made us late that night, and I tell him over and over that I had been sitting outside for fifteen minutes before he finally noticed me. I have officially been caught.)

He drove slow, he went the long way, and I made sure to make fun of him the whole way there because that's my go-to when I'm nervous.

I remember most of the details of that date perfectly. I remember whispering in his ear during the movie, hoping he was wanting to make out with me. I remember buying a Dr. Pepper for the both of us, but he didn't take one sip the whole goddamn movie. And I remember missing half the jokes in the movie because I was so fucking nervous.

After the movie, he started driving us back to his house so I could get my car. The conversation flowed perfectly, with no awkward silences or bad jokes. We were both incredibly nervous, but we somehow made it through without looking like total jackasses.

After I climbed out of his car, he said, "So do you want to come in for a little while?" "I was already planning on it," I said over my shoulder, on my way to the front door.

While I was getting comfortable on the couch AKA laying my clothes just right so they cover all the flabby bits, he went to pick out a movie from his less-than-stellar movie collection. Somehow he decided it would be a good idea for us to watch a movie I've never seen before called Ravenous. Just a little FYI: It's a disgusting movie about cannabilism. I still think he did this on purpose, knowing that I would get so bored with the movie that I would need something else to do (like make out with him).

After about 20 minutes of that Godawful movie, he asked me if he could kiss me, and I could feel both of our hearts racing in our chests. He tilted my head up, and when we first kissed, my whole body went into extreme heat mode. I had never kissed someone before whose lips felt like they worked so well with mine. There was none of that disgusting slobbery-ness that I experienced with my first kiss and many others after that. There wasn't that obnoxious "open your fucking mouth because I'm tired of kissing like middle schoolers" thing. It was just... honestly perfect.

Obviously I wasn't planning on things going any further than that, but.... come on. If he was that good at kissing, that had to mean something, right? I figured the theory needed to be tested.

And thank the good Lord in heaven that it was.

The next morning, I woke up at around 7 in the morning and panicked. After glancing in the mirror and having my suspicions confirmed that yes, indeed, I did look like absolute shit, I knew I had to get out of there before he could see me looking like such a fucking trainwreck. So I crept out of bed, grabbed my bra off the floor, and crept quietly out of the house to make the 30 minute drive-of-shame home.

To Be Continued...

For part 2, clickity click hiz-ere.

16 comments:

  1. "I spent HOURS planning my outfit for that night. Something comfortable and casual, but also hot and sexy, but not too sexy because I don't want to look like a slut, but just sexy enough to make him think about having sex with me, but I'm not shaving my legs because I need a reminder that I can't have sex with him tonight because it's the first time we are actually going on a date date.

    Being a girl is fucking tough, okay?"

    OMG I Love it! I have totally done that like 100 times. It's like how does this make my cleavage look? How about my ass? Does it cover my tummy? Can i get away with showing off my tattoos?

    Also i love those kisses. The kind where the two people know what they are doing from the first time. I mean one really good kiss can get me so hot i take my own clothes off. Its those kisses i remember in the morning.

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  2. WHERE DO I START?!?!?!? I too am a former Sonic employee. Knew I liked you for a reason.

    Oh, and I love a guy that can roll w/ my punches. Just hope that shit doesn't come back to bite you in the ass, just saying.

    Agh, those kisses. My first kiss w/ my husband (then 2nd date) was AWFUL. I needed the nasty to fully appreciate him.

    Oops, did I just tell you I'm a slut?

    Good.

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  3. Aww, I loved reading this! It's great that you can remember so many little details about when you first met and your first date. He sounds like an awesome dude, too!

    Did you regret not shaving your legs?

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  4. Way to give it up on the first date like a champ.

    Seriously, sometimes kissing is the best. It's totally a gateway drug.

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  5. My first kiss with my husband was like that too. Which is also why there was the panicked I look like shit moment the next morning as well. I had the upper hand in the slightest of ways because we were at my place. I can't wait for the rest!

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  6. AAAHH you didn't shave your legs and you still had sex with him!!! I love this post, it's one of my favorites from you. First dates are terrible, I always get so nervous. I've started doing a couple shots beforehand. Haha. Not joking.

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  7. that pounding heart is something you never forget...

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  8. Oh darlin, I love this post!

    I may just have to copy you....you can kick me if you want.

    The first kiss inspires me. I remember Manfriend and my first kiss. It did not have a nice setting but it still gives me butterflys! Oh and the first time we banged. Now that was wicked good and hot. There was thunder and lightening. Seriously...there was.

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  9. The minute you said you didn't shave your legs I totes knew you were going to bang him. You pretty much jinx yourself when you don't shave your legs. Truestory.

    I can't believe you don't find cannibals fascinating and sexy. What's wrong with you?

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  10. Um...this was all...like...sweet and stuff. If I was a little more of a tool I actually may have jerked a tear, but alas I am not.

    I did, however, very much enjoy this. it makes me think there's hope so thanks. I look forward to the second part of the story when you admit that you had buttsex with him on your first date ;p

    Isn't that what normal couples do?

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  11. Ha! You hooker! Giving it up on the first date!

    *HIGH FIVE*

    I'm loving this. GREAT story. I'd like the 2nd part now please.

    Now.

    P.S.- The getting read to go out part...soooo true.

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  12. aw, so sweet! like, the hooking up bit was great but I like how it took you a while to be friends and then date. More like real-life. It isn't always that eyes meeting across a crowded room shit.

    So how old IS he, can I ask?

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  13. grumpy - He is turning 25 this year which means he was only 23 when we first met. (But since I was only 18, *everyone* seemed a million years older than me.)

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  14. Coyote Rose - Yep, that's pretty much exactly how our first kiss was! And apparently I kissed *a lot* of frogs because I had never had a kiss that great!

    mad woman - Well I just told you that I had sex on the first date with my guy so... I think we're even?

    Tsarita - Luckily, I don't think I was she-man hairy. I even asked Andy for confirmation and he said no, my legs weren't super hairy. Although he did seem a little grossed out when I asked him...

    Ed - Obviously being a slut on the first date works. I think I'm going to write a relationship advice book now.

    Penny Lane - It definitely would have been helpful if we had been at my place!! Then I wouldn't like the fucking crypt keeper when I woke up next to him! Too bad I didn't prepare my slut bag that night. (Extra makeup, cotton balls for makeup removal, ponytail holder.)

    hellotaylor - First dates are especially bad when you WORK with the person! If it goes badly, you're stuck doing that awkward dance around the office for the rest of forever.

    stacy - I certainly hope not! One of my biggest fears is passion dying out. It hasn't yet so we'll see. ; )

    CkretsGalore - Please write this post immediately! I want to read!

    Arienette - How did I know that you would be the person to find cannibals hotandsexy?

    Danaconda - Thanks for the inspiration for my next post!

    OWO - I'm classy as shit apparently. And now especially nervous about how to end this story! Working on it now!

    grumpy - Yeah, I'm not really a fan of the bullshit romantic comedy way of falling in love. I didn't just fall. I tripped, fell down the stairs, and hit my head in love. Because clumsy people can get married too, right?

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  15. aha, awesome! even with your unshaved legs, you got some action. heading over to read part 2!

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  16. " He tilted my head up, and when we first kissed, my whole body went into extreme heat mode. I had never kissed someone before whose lips felt like they worked so well with mine. There was none of that disgusting slobbery-ness that I experienced with my first kiss and many others after that. There wasn't that obnoxious 'open your fucking mouth because I'm tired of kissing like middle schoolers' thing. It was just... honestly perfect. "

    Ok, this describes my first kiss with my guy as well. What the hell is it with men slobbery kisses? Yeck.

    ~Naomi

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