Monday, July 12, 2010

I'm All Over the Fucking Place. Also, a Vagina Story.

My mind is kind of all over the place, and I have a lot of shit to say so bear with me. It's probably the fifteen Starbucks drinks I had this weekend. Starbucks is fucking badass, y'all. Also, I have a ton of coupons and shit so I'm not wasting money. Boo-yah!

(Aside: Do you say coo-pon or cyoo-pon? Because I say cyoo-pon, and Fiancee says I'm weird for it. That's not weird, right? Right? Whatever. Fuck you, too.)

So first off, I'm super fucking pissed. I was just leaving a comment on someone's blog and made a typo by writing "sexcited" instead of "excited". And seeing that I had invented the coolest fucking word ever in the history of time, I just about had an orgasm SHAZAM! (Looking at you, CkretsGalore.)

And then I went to Urban Dictionary and was PISSED to discover that someone else thought of this magical word before I did. I quit life.

Plus I've been visiting a lot of your blogs recently and finding some awesome shit. If after reading my blog you say to yourself, "That bitch is fucking WEIRD.... we could totes be friends," then I'm going to need for you to leave me a comment, send me an email, drive to my house, etc. so I can see your blog and we can be besty bloggy friends. Pimp that shit out, yo.

(Aside: I've been playing Mario on Wii for the past three days, and I get a little ghetto up in herrrr when I'm playing video games. Fiancee is getting really tired of me yelling at the top of my lungs, "THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE....... SON!" after every single level I beat. Also? I have this weird habit of saying episodes instead of levels. Apparently I watch too much television.)

And speaking of finding a weird fucking freak to be besties with, here is an email I sent this bitch in order to force her to be friends with me.

Hello there,

I'm pretty sure that we need to be best bloggy friends so I figured I would let you know. I'm Sara at Sara Swears a Lot. I'm not going to link to my site because that would just be creepy and "hey! look at me! look at me! over here! yeah, right here! hey!"

But yeah. I read through some of your blog, and I'm falling in love a little. I figure once we're best friends, we can have sleepovers and pillow fights in our underwear because that's what girls do, duh. Also, we can talk about boys and how stupid they are. And you can carry love notes to the boy I like and ask him if he likes me but don't mention that I wanted to know because that would be so embarassing just ask him what he thinks about me without letting him know that I like him because if he doesn't like me back that would be horrible and I would cry a lot. Breathe. Okay. That is all.

BFFFE (Best Friends For Fucking Ever),
Sara


And instead of punching me in the nose and running away, she replied with this:

Hi Sara,

Awesome email. Most of the time I get stuff about discounted generic Viagara and winning the UK lottery but I have yet to receive anything in the mail. Weird. I follow your blog and think you're fucking hilarious so this just proves that awesomeness attracts more awesomeness without even trying. In other words, stick with me, kid.

Also, I have drafted a love note for you. Please find it attached.


You're newest, most attractive friend,
Tee.


The attachment was a naked picture of her.

I kid, I kid. I would put the actual love note on here, but I'm a little slow and a lot lazy so it ain't happening.

*Insert appropriate segueway.

So when I was a little girl and I had to pee, I would literally hold my vagina in order to keep from peeing until I got to a bathroom. I did that shit all the time and didn't think anything of it. But apparently it was weird or something? Because I was at church camp, swimming, when I realized I had to go. But we only had 15 minutes of swim time left! So what's a girl to do, right?

While I was holding my vagina in order to stop the flow, I realized that my friend was looking at me weird. "What are you doing?" she said, pointedly staring at my crotch-al region.

"Um, nothing. What are you talking about?" I said, trying to play it cool. My hand still had not left my vagina area. I was actually squeezing harder at this point because everyone knows that when you're nervous, the flow gets a little more difficult to control. Right? Riiiiiiiiight?

My friend just looked weirded out and swam away. What a bitch, right? How was I supposed to know that people could SEE my vagina through the clear pool water? And there were only FIFTEEN MINUTES left in pool time. That's like fifteen seconds in church camp world, a'ight?

I'm pretty sure I ended up making it through without peeing on myself (too much), and my friend never mentioned it again.

The reason I suddenly remembered this day? I was holding my vagina in the Starbucks line because I had to pee REALBAD, and I'm pretty sure a Starbucks employee saw me. Luckily they didn't say anything, but I definitely felt their judgy eyes looking me up and down.

That's all I've got. The thing in parentheses at the bottom? I was in the middle of writing this when I sent a text message and realized this fact so I threw it at the bottom. It makes no sense. But neither have I so far in this post so I really don't care.

(When I mistype "want" on my iPhone, it changes it to "Wang". I'm starting to look like such a slut, y'all.)

50 comments:

  1. I'm totally a vagina pee holder too. Girls who don't hold are just not comfortable with themselves. It's what all the cool girls do.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I was eating soup at my desk, yes I eat soup in the morning but I've been up since 5am, and almost painted my cubicle walls when I read, "SHAZAM!"

    I've been reading your blog for a quite sometime and it has provided much respite from the grey cubicle walls. (I bloody well despise cubicles and I'm in one..in the only trailer in this entire project that has cubicles. Seriously now..WTF?!). Copy & pasted posts along with the link to other coworkers for their enjoyment. Generally people are blocked from blogspot but not I. I'm special. (I got my ins with the IT dept and by ins I mean my boyfriend is IT and he does put things IN me.)

    ReplyDelete
  3. What happens if you try to type "I want wang"? "I Wang Wang". Very nice. You can haz your fucking cheezeburger now, Wang Wang.

    Maybe that's what I should do with my wife when she has to pee badly: hold her vagina. I could see this bringing our relationship to whole new levels never previously conceived of.

    And, as an interesting side story, whenever I use the word "vagina" in a blog posting, I lose two followers. It's awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am going to have to try that.

    Next time I have to pee, I'm going to grab your vagina.

    ReplyDelete
  5. lololol. hilarious!

    you know most people would just pee in the pool, right? you bring new meaning to "holding it in."

    ReplyDelete
  6. Though this entire post was incredibly amusing, the ghetto Sara playing video games takes the cake. If anyone who's played a video game can't admit they've yelled something along the lines of, "STEP OFF BITCH!" and "YEAH...WHAT NOW? WHAT NOW!?" they're just kidding themselves.

    ReplyDelete
  7. It never fails that i get to come be amused by your blog. Plus i'm totally the same way with Mario Cart racing. I'm always screaming "I'M GONNA TAKE YOU BITCHES DOWN!"

    Also this post was Jacusy!

    ReplyDelete
  8. In first grade, I had to pee real bad. I was wearing thick cotton tights and for some idiotic reason I thought the tights would HOLD IN THE PEE. Guess what? They didn't. I was sitting at my desk and peed all over myself and the floor. My mum had to bring me a change of clothes and brought the FUGLIEST outfit ever. Worst day of my life.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Since we are the same person and way too cool to have an "h" at the end of our names I just had to check out your blog :) Obviously I love it.

    I look forward to reading more to keep me amused while I sit on my ass all day :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. You guys are so great. I've been laughing my ass off all day reading the comments you've left.

    AuntBT - I'm really going to need you to spread that idea around so I can start holding my vagina in public. Way easier than dancing around with my legs crossed.

    CrcktsGalore - "I got my ins with the IT dept and by ins I mean my boyfriend is IT and he does put things IN me." I just texted this to Fiancee. His response was WTF? Maybe I should have given some background before texting him just that sentence?

    MJenks - I used the word Vagina in this one and have had two new followers since! The world is so fucking racist, right?

    Ed - We could create a phenomenon!

    SBG - My parents were so uptight that I would get in major trouble if I ever tried peeing in a pool/lake/anywhere but the toilet. Plus it was church camp so God was watching and how embarassing would it be for God to see me pee in a pool?

    Danaconda - I read this comment while driving down the interstate at 60 mph. It totally would have been worth a car wreck, too. I'm glad other people get a little psycho when they're playing video games. Especially the games that are specifically geared towards children. (Mario anyone?)

    Coyote Rose - Oh, I get crazy on some MarioKart. Have you ever played versus people online? I think the reason Wii doesn't have a headset is because of people like me who would cuss little kids out on there.

    Stevie - I cannot even think of a good reply to that because I just died a little when I read your comment. I feel so bad for first grade you, but I can't help but laugh hysterically picturing how horrible a day that must have been. Your childhood must have been a lot like mine...

    Sara - I really wanted to be sarawithoutanh dot com, but I think there's already one of those. Sad! People spell my name wrong all the time. I tell Sarahs that they have it easier because if their name is spelled wrong, they can always just throw an H on the end. With us, they have to scratch the H out and make it look stupid!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh Sara! As I was reading this post, I definitely got some raised eyebrows from my coworkers as I was trying to hold in my laughter.

    And fiancee and I totally yell at the TV when we are playing Mario on the wii, then we get pissed and start yelling: I hate this mothafucking level, you can suck my cock mario for not being able to jump over that fucking lava!

    Me to Fiancee: If you kill my mario one more time, I'm totally holding my vagina hostage!

    Love the word: sexcited. LOVE.

    ReplyDelete
  12. The girls who never held their vagina when they had to be were really uptight little bitches and have probably turned into frigid bitches as adults.

    Vagina pee holders make the best lovers!

    Now, having said that, I'm very sad that I've never gotten a fan email like yours. Except from those selling fake Rolex watches. Sigh

    ReplyDelete
  13. I WANT TO BE FRIENDS!


    then again i'm a girl who is drunk at the bookstore studying for the lsats after hooking up with someone. fuck you 4lokos.

    ok bye, please let's have a sleepover. let's not hold our vaginas though if we're too lazy to pee since i hear that's how utis are made

    ReplyDelete
  14. I never received an awkward email from you begging for us to be friends, and I'm kind of devastated over it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. yo hooka, i love your shit. let's be bfffe. ok, not ready for that? let's just pee on each each other and stare in wonder.

    ReplyDelete
  16. My co-workers were talking about death, as you do (well, i do live in a hospital but those bitches are morbid)and then i start reading this. You know how hard it is to not laugh at vagina talk?

    anyhoo I bought lego harry potter recently and i get all sweary playing that: 'HA! fuck you bitch' is a favourite. But if i play call of duty it's less ghetto, more sneaky child... I say 'weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee' when i throw a grenade/ sing what I'm doing.

    www.save-your-bacon.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. 1) I need to pee as we speak. Not holding onto my lady petals though.
    2) In China, a dog's bark is written as 'wang wang'. Just some random trivia for the day.
    3) I LOVE how you spell segueway.

    ReplyDelete
  18. let's be best friends. i think i love you.

    also, i need to copy your letter and send it to several people.

    ReplyDelete
  19. You are hi-fucking-larious and I'm beginning a little bloggy crush over here. Thank-you, FYM, for sending my fat ass over here.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Haha! Well, obviously the world needs vagina and period stories too. See, I wish I could be funnier ;).

    And, Your blog name is great, too. I don't know the formula to make them stand out, but yours has it.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm sure my 85yo Irish Lady Neighbor thinks me and my boyfriend are completely fucking nuts since we yell at Mario. But we're less creative - more like "FUCK YEAH, TAKE THAT MARIO!" Or just a loud "FFFFUUUCCCKKK" when Mario falls in the aforementioned lava.

    Afternote: Wii Mario with 4 people on screen is sexciting. Ok that didn't work, it just sounds creepy.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I think more people should hold on to their genitals- for what ever reason, especially when playing on the Wii.

    ReplyDelete
  23. You know the word VAGINA has been mentioned like...18 times..crap..now 19. That's fanfuckintastic! My counting isn't, so don't hold me to it.




    VAGINA - 20 I like a nice rounded number.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Your letter reminded me of this time when I was 10 and it was valentines day and these bitches in my class said we should all send all the boys v-day cards, right? So we all sat in the library making v-day cards and then they said we should sign them from ourselves, cos it wasn't embarassing, cos EVERYONE was sending EVERY boy one, so it was cool, right?

    Except it totally wasn't, because none of those cunts gave out cards the next day. And I looked like a fucking loser/creeper/stalker/slut handing out cards to every boy in the class.

    Do you have a British friend yet? No? Right then, I'm claiming you.

    ReplyDelete
  25. This is the best blog post I've ever read. EVER. I'm forcing you to be friends with me. How do you feel about naked pillow fights with vodka and cookies with drugs?

    Also, I say cyoo-pon! Let's be friends forEVER and EVER, like the creepy Shining twins!

    ReplyDelete
  26. It's CYOO-PON. And yeah, you ARE fucking hilarious and I'm pretty sure we're basically the same exact person irl so lets be best friends, mkayy?

    ReplyDelete
  27. This is the best post ever. YOU'RE WELCOME.

    Also? VAGINA.


    Your friend in Christ,
    Tee

    ReplyDelete
  28. I say "coo-pons" but I don't hate people who say it the other way, unless they make fun of the way I say water ("wooder"). Then they get a blue eye.

    By the way, I LOVE your correspondence with tee. It's inspiring that bloggers can really connect this way. I see the beginning of a very beautiful future :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. just blew my comment wad on a different post, but wanted to say you're hysterical and i, too, am a vagina holder. also a creepy leg crosser. that gets difficult when trying to run from the car to the toilet without piss dripping down to my ankles.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Here in Pittsburgh (shithole!) we say cyoo-pon.

    Also, I've read about five of your entries now and I've been enjoying the company of my friend Smirnoff and so I've been holding my not-vagina in order to not pee myself, but I'm going to go take care of that now and yeah, I'm pretty sure we should be friends.

    ReplyDelete
  31. 23

    I say Cyoopon as well. Now do you say Shed-jewel or Skedjewal?

    ReplyDelete
  32. Megan - "holding my vagina hostage" is my new favorite catchphrase. I plan on saying it as much as possible today.

    Heather - I think some lesbian hooker just sent you an email. No clue who it could be....

    pearl - That's a good point about the UTIs because those are definitely burny and itchy and I'm pretty sure a blog post is formulating in my head right now about my many UTI disasters. Thank you for reminding me of my vagina.

    yournamehere - Your email isn't posted anywhere on your site, punk! I'm a little broken hearted about it.

    pattypunker - Sometimes when I'm cleaning up dog pee, I get all gaggy. (I was about to make an inappropriate BJ joke right there, but I think I'll save it for another time.) So let's definitely be BFF but maybe we could pee on other things instead of each other? Get back to me ASAP on that. Very important matter.

    gemma - Death and vaginas is a very tricky subject matter. On the one hand, sad. On the other hand, too funny to make you sad anymore. Tip to the wise: Don't talk about vaginas at a funeral. It gets very, very awkward. Not that I've ever talked about my vagina itching at a funeral in front of the dead person's family because that would just be fucked up.

    Wait, what?

    Grumpy - I am officially going to start referring to a dog's bark as "wang wang" in public. After thinking about it for approximately three seconds, I've decided I could probably end up in jail somehow for doing that... Worth the joke?

    Totally.

    Also, after googling further and realizing my typing error (and laughing my ass off about it), I decided that my way is better. I officially make "segueway" the new spelling of "segue". You're welcome.

    the grumbles - You totes have my permission to email that letter to whoever you like. And if I don't get a copy, I will be incredibly disappointed.

    Jennie - I'm pretty excited about this crush thing mainly because when I was in middle school, no one ever had a crush on me. In fact, I was asked out AS. A. JOKE. in middle school. I was pretty much Killer Carrie. Except not the killer part. Or the pig's blood part. Yeah, middle school sucked balls. I was all happy at the beginning of this one and now I'm thinking about finding that kid and punching him in the throat.

    Kris - I just wrote something about how I came up with my blog name on 20sb so I'll have to put it here one day, too. It's a super exciting story (not really).

    casey - It would have been super sexciting if they were four HAWT people on screen, though! And I completely agree about the four people thing. My favorite thing to do? Pick up Fiancee's character and throw him in the lava over and over. Super fun.

    MLLL - I've been trying to make a point of holding my vagina more often lately. Just so we'll feel more connected.

    Arienette - I came by your blog to comment on that story because ohmygod were we the same person as children? Also, when I read the word "cunts" in a British accent, I was pretty happy.

    TAK - After a horrific night involving ten shots of vodka, a blackout, and ten-hour long sex I think I'll go with rum. So my answer is yes, absolutely. Should we get more bloggy friends in on this or just the two of us? I'm open to anything, ifyouknowwhatimean.

    hellotaylor - I can't believe there are so many people who think vaginas are as funny as I do. Without the internet, where would I be???

    tee - the "your friend in Christ" really got me. I fucking love you.

    Tsaritsa - First of all, I like your fancy name. Second of all, wooder sounds like a dirty word to me. Kind of like a boner. Maybe we could use wooder for a happy vagina? Did that make sense? I'm going to just quit while I'm ahead here.

    Mommakiss - "blew my comment wad"

    I have no words.

    Matt - I really love that use of "not vagina". Should I start saying my "not penis"?

    CkretsGalore - 32.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Wow. I definitely dont say vagina enough on my blog.

    vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina

    There. I feel better.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Wow, this is too funny! I love your blog. And it's definitely cyoo-pon.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I'm open to an orgy, but they have to bake the cookies while we lay back and choose which pills go where.

    Also, rum? I'm in.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I teach 3 year olds and just the other day I watching my kids like up for 'potty time' and noticed that 4 of my 5 girls were holding themselves. So of course I asked another teacher when you become old enough to not hold your twat anymore? When does that epic turning point in life happen?! We couldn't remember the day we stoppoed holding our vaginas. Welp, you have answered my question: Never. Thanks! ;-]

    ReplyDelete
  37. Oh,help me, you are funnier than heather said you would be.

    love it here.

    ReplyDelete
  38. OMGOMGOMGOMGOMOMGOMGOM I want to be friend too and Empress is right, you're funnier than Heather said and and and

    And I just followed you and became your 111 follower. That makes me special, right?

    You know else would be special? if you became MY 111 follower. Because that would be WAY cool.

    ReplyDelete
  39. And yes I just jizzed myself and was totally inappropriate and did all the not cool things that bloggers arent supposed to do by asking you to be my friend.

    And now I have to go off in the corner totally red faced and embarassed and pray you don't look at me.

    Don't look at me I'm embarassed 'cuz I got all godsmacked jizzy over you.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Sara - muthafukinholelotta Vajayjay.
    Love the new look. You can feel free to email me any day, especially if there's boobies.

    ReplyDelete
  41. ah! i totally used to do that, too! thank god it's not a habit that continued into adulthood. that could cause problems.

    oh, and cyoopon? i hate anyone who says cyoopon...so, therefore, i hate you. sorry, dude, we could have been friends...

    ReplyDelete
  42. Hahahah. Your randomness amuses me. I like how you asked people to comment and whore out their own blogs, yet everyone just commented on the awesomeness of your vagina holding skillz. Therefore, I shall do both.

    WHORE WHORE WHORE
    http://boyfriendchallenged.blogspot.com
    WHORE WHORE WHORE

    We could probably be blogger besties. I swear sometimes too but not enough to put a disclaimer in my blog title. Haha.

    And I don't hold my vagina, I just cross my legs and wobble around or do this weird front bed thing that seems to suppress my bladder but makes me look like I'm mentally challenged.

    Oh well.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Wow. You're like a famous blogger now with so many comments you might just forget all about me. Sniff. Would naked pictures help?

    Also, vagina holding story? Awesome.

    Not so awesome? My five year old daughter does it. She ALWAYS has her hand on her effing vagina. In public and at home, where she likes to only wear her underwear...and since I'm a huge germaphobe/weirdo, if she tries to touch me after touching her vagina, I dance away and squeal, "COOTIE HANDS!" or "BAD TOUCH!"

    She gets really upset about that, but I'm not worried because the state pays her medical insurance and we get so many therapy visits a year. Also, her father is (whisper) special, so it's to be expected.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I love your blog! So funny. You are truly inspirational. But real talk, vagina holding totally works.

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    ReplyDelete
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