Yesterday I was thinking about all of you people and how weird you are and how in love with every single one of you I am. Seriously. How often can you exchange emails with people talking about the three big Ps -- period panties, poop, and penises -- without them freaking out and being all embarassed? I'm pretty sure that if we all got in a room together the world would just fucking end because it couldn't handle that amount of awesome in one place.
Also I'm pretty sure I have a notsoevil twin or I'm schizophrenic. Because I was reading a blog the other day, and I was like, "What the fuck? Did I write this? Because I'm pretty sure this is me." And then I left a comment about a horrible occurence that happened the other day that I will share with you now.
I went out drankin' Saturday night like I told you Monday so I was a little hungover and pukey and snotty on Sunday when Fiancee drove me to pick up my car from the bar (because I don't drink and drive, yo). So on the way there, I realized I was a little phlegmy (that's the right spelling, I swear). And then all of a sudden, I had to....
At least that's what the sneeze sounded like anyways. And I had no fucking warning that it was coming so I couldn't aim at the floor like I usually do. Instead, I ended up phlegming all over my shirt. Yep, a huge wad of loogie ended up on my shirt. I mean, SOFUCKINGHUGE that you would think I did it on purpose. And then I grabbed some napkins to try and clean it up before Fiancee could see because ohmygodsoembarassing. Except when I tried to clean it up, it just ended up spreading like a goddamn disease. And all of a sudden, I had a wet spot the size of Massa-fucking-chusetts on my shirt. And that's right when Fiancee looked over from driving and saw it. And made a noise that resembled this:
When OBVIOUSLY I couldn't fucking help that this had happened. My fucking bad, jerkoff. So I was all, "Ahh! Stop looking at it! You're supposed to think I'm sexy and hawt and not loogie-fied, JesusChrist!" And he was all, "Oh my god, it looks like someone blew a wad all over your shirt!" And I was all, "I'm going to let someone that's NOT YOU blow a wad all over my shirt if you don't stop being a dick about it!" And then I forced him to take off his shirt while he was driving 70 mph down the interstate and then I took off my loogie shirt and put his shirt on and problem solved. Except I'm pretty sure the loogie shirt is still in the back of his car, and I just remembered. Whoops.
Okay, so I thought of a prize, but I'm kind of waiting for some confirmation on it before I write about it for sure so just calm the fuck down, all right? (I just really like telling people to calm the fuck down, especially when they aren't upset at all.)
Also, I'm working on a post about Fiancee and how we met and how in luuuurrrve we are so be patient until I can get that done and have a decent post to show you. You guys are so easily excitable. (Just pretend you care because I'm working sosososo hard on it, got it?)
And I'm trying to get around to all your blogs but a bitch has to work at least two hours out of the day, yaknowwhatimsaying?
Last night, I tried to watch a movie called Hard Candy, and there was a scene about cutting a guy's dick off and ohmygodohmygodohmygod it was sosososo gross, I thought I was going to die. Just thought you should know in case you wanted to see it. Yuck.
I'm pretty sure that's all. Yep, that's it.
*Oh, except, do you guys ever wish you could have theme music for every time you walk into a room? Because I have always wanted porno music to play behind me in every scene of my life. #imjustsayin
(Goddamnit, why can't I ever just end a post on a normal note? Seriously...)