Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Don't Judge Me Based On a Post About Loogies Please.

Yesterday I was thinking about all of you people and how weird you are and how in love with every single one of you I am. Seriously. How often can you exchange emails with people talking about the three big Ps -- period panties, poop, and penises -- without them freaking out and being all embarassed? I'm pretty sure that if we all got in a room together the world would just fucking end because it couldn't handle that amount of awesome in one place.

Also I'm pretty sure I have a notsoevil twin or I'm schizophrenic. Because I was reading a blog the other day, and I was like, "What the fuck? Did I write this? Because I'm pretty sure this is me." And then I left a comment about a horrible occurence that happened the other day that I will share with you now.

I went out drankin' Saturday night like I told you Monday so I was a little hungover and pukey and snotty on Sunday when Fiancee drove me to pick up my car from the bar (because I don't drink and drive, yo). So on the way there, I realized I was a little phlegmy (that's the right spelling, I swear). And then all of a sudden, I had to....


At least that's what the sneeze sounded like anyways. And I had no fucking warning that it was coming so I couldn't aim at the floor like I usually do. Instead, I ended up phlegming all over my shirt. Yep, a huge wad of loogie ended up on my shirt. I mean, SOFUCKINGHUGE that you would think I did it on purpose. And then I grabbed some napkins to try and clean it up before Fiancee could see because ohmygodsoembarassing. Except when I tried to clean it up, it just ended up spreading like a goddamn disease. And all of a sudden, I had a wet spot the size of Massa-fucking-chusetts on my shirt. And that's right when Fiancee looked over from driving and saw it. And made a noise that resembled this:


When OBVIOUSLY I couldn't fucking help that this had happened. My fucking bad, jerkoff. So I was all, "Ahh! Stop looking at it! You're supposed to think I'm sexy and hawt and not loogie-fied, JesusChrist!" And he was all, "Oh my god, it looks like someone blew a wad all over your shirt!" And I was all, "I'm going to let someone that's NOT YOU blow a wad all over my shirt if you don't stop being a dick about it!" And then I forced him to take off his shirt while he was driving 70 mph down the interstate and then I took off my loogie shirt and put his shirt on and problem solved. Except I'm pretty sure the loogie shirt is still in the back of his car, and I just remembered. Whoops.



Okay, so I thought of a prize, but I'm kind of waiting for some confirmation on it before I write about it for sure so just calm the fuck down, all right? (I just really like telling people to calm the fuck down, especially when they aren't upset at all.)

Also, I'm working on a post about Fiancee and how we met and how in luuuurrrve we are so be patient until I can get that done and have a decent post to show you. You guys are so easily excitable. (Just pretend you care because I'm working sosososo hard on it, got it?)

And I'm trying to get around to all your blogs but a bitch has to work at least two hours out of the day, yaknowwhatimsaying?

Last night, I tried to watch a movie called Hard Candy, and there was a scene about cutting a guy's dick off and ohmygodohmygodohmygod it was sosososo gross, I thought I was going to die. Just thought you should know in case you wanted to see it. Yuck.

I'm pretty sure that's all. Yep, that's it.

*Oh, except, do you guys ever wish you could have theme music for every time you walk into a room? Because I have always wanted porno music to play behind me in every scene of my life. #imjustsayin

(Goddamnit, why can't I ever just end a post on a normal note? Seriously...)


  1. I so saw Hard Candy and that movie is intense. I love this post. I love that you and your Parent Trap but not a jailed crackwhore clone swear so much. I love the word fuck. I use it more than I should. Which is why I had to stop because my two year old began saying "fuck this" in response to requests. Not good parenting. Anyway, love your blog. And yes I wish I had my own soundtrack too. Not porn music maybe. I'd like to be the DJ for my life and everyone else's. Anyone who has ever drank with me knows this. I become a music Nazi. Okay then. SOOOO looking forward to love post re: fiance. Does it involve anyone blowing a wad on anyone else's shirt?

  2. god bless you! no, really... you sneezed!

  3. I mean, if I didn't seem bat shit crazy to people before, this probably confirms it. So, thats pretty cool.

    Also, I totally wish I had a theme song when I walk in to a room. Also also, stop being me. I WANT PORN MUSIC. How fucking awesome would that be to walk in to an oridnary place like the bank or a grocery store and you'd be all, 'que the music bitches' and you walk in all 'bow chicka bow wow'playing in the background. Fucking. Amazing.

  4. Douchecanoe? An entire canoe filled with douche?

    Inserting the nozzle of that CANNOT be comfortable. nastified must it be up there to require an entire fucking canoe's worth of douche? That's a lot of fucking vinegar.

  5. Don't you hate it when you do something disgusting in front of your fiancee, and you thinking, "Shit, fuck, damn it, how can I cover this up without him possibly making me fill like a disgusting douche bag?

    Yeah, I have done something similar on an airplane, only I caught the loogie in my mouth and had to spit it in my dr. pepper bottle. Yeah, fiancee or "stud 69" looked at me as if I had just vomited in his lap.

    p.s. What's douchecanoe? I hope it's not what MJenks described, I'd like to think of it a canoe filled with douche bags floating off to BFE.

    Can you tell I like the word douche? No? Me either. :-)

  6. I feel I need to step in here and clear this shit up. 'Douche canoe', or 'douchecanoe' (I don't always feel the need to use the space bar. It's beneath me. Particularly when I'm excited)is a spin on the old insult that I like to use. I feel it has more 'umph' than douche bag. Besides, douche bag is kind of worn out. Like your Mom.

    I also really like douche fuck (douchefuck!) as well.

    So, no, MJenks, it is not in fact an entire canoe of douche solution. That's fucking gross. And that would be a HUGE fucking vagina. I mean, how large would that vagina need to be in order to require an entire canoe of something like Rephresh? Gross.

  7. You know what's weird? That question was on my husband's job application. He said the theme from Darkwing Duck. And he got hired.

  8. OMFG, yes I've had that happen and the same result with trying to wipe it off casually. Ssssssmmmeaarrr

    Now I'm not smoking, I'm certainly not getting the same quality of lung butter. Thought I would just share that.

    Sara, you need to come visit Calgary and I would pamper the shit outta you. I'm a kick ass cook and I love to drink. Goodtimesya
    I don't have many female friends because most chicks are super sucky and I have to try my best not to offend them with my pervy humour.
    Fiance can come too. He and Manfriend can make nice nice and be our chauffeurs.

    Just don't visit in winter. Sucks balls here unless you like that winter sports junk.

  9. I really need to come back and read this stuff when I'm stoned. Funny now = 3xs as funny then.

    Also - theme music for my entrance (I've thought about it dozens of times): gay techno.

  10. *rents Hard Candy*
    Also, what a NICE HEADER, I LOVE IT!
    There's so much in your posts, I don't even know what to comment. Haha. LOVE.

  11. I had this boyfriend once and I went to school with his best friend and they had their own themetume, and everytime they walked around a pub they'd 'swagger' and go 'Bow chicka wow-wowwwww' like they were the shit, except that they were both virgins nd he wouldn't even sleep with me when I THREW MYSELF at him. What the shit is THAT all about?!

    Anypoopstory, this one time, I did a poo and it was like water and bright red, and I TOTALLY THOUGHT I WAS DYING and shitting out my inside, RIGHT? So I called Husbot through and I was all hysterical and womanly screaming 'YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THIS RIGHT NOW.' and he totally did. He totally came and inspected my poop. Because we're fucking married and shitting out your insides was NOT in our marriage vows, but I'm pretty sure it was implied when he said he'd 'do anything' for me. Don't wanna look at my poop? You shoulda been a bit more specific, shouldn't you, Mr A? That'll learn ya.

    The moral of this story is you should totally not consume 3 litres of red koolaid in a day and nothing else. It won't kill you, but it will totally make you think you're dying and there will be very embarassing call to the nurseline and possibly a mortifying A&E trip.

    You cannot even SAY I didnt warn you, Sara. It's like Bukaka all over again. If you are going to ignore my warnings I totally CANNOT be held responsible for that shit.

  12. Haha!

    I saw Hard Candy and yes...very gross.

  13. I hate it when I hawk a loogie on a girl's breasts.

    I should really try that wad blowing thingy instead.

    Stopped over at Courtney's place. She's pretty fucking funny. Which is better than pretty funny fucking.

  14. Bow-chicka-chicka-chicka-WOW-WOW.. loooove funk porno music. I can see the huge black dube with a 'fro and tight white pants now...

    Also, douche is a super cool word. I just discovered douchefag - now trying to throw it into normal conversation - THAT is the challenge

  15. At first I thought I would like the 'dadadada dum' song that denise richards has when she was in friends, but then i realised I would more likely be able to get about with the I dream of Jeannie theme...

    dadadada dum * gemma exits *

  16. One time I was shitfaced in Connecticut and after about 10 drinks it was last call and this girl made me chug her fishbowl. Did that sound provocative? "Hey so this guy totally chugged my fishbowl last night..." Okay I'm ranting, sorry.

    So anyway, I chug this bowl of blue liquor and then get into my friend's car. I puked in his backseat and on my friend's leg, and when the driver realized he pulled over to let me finish up. After my puke fest was over, I hocked a monster loog out of his back window...only I was so drunk I didn't realize that the window was up.


    P.S. "Fame" by David Bowie.

  17. I love this and will return with a glass of wine and a pack of smokes and well some other smoke. love it cheeks will hurt stoned!!! Godd stuff thanks.
    Come follow me if ya got the time

  18. i'm basically drunk and shouldn't be allowed in blogs, much less trying to comment...alas, i'm here. and love this a lot. Like to the point of wanting to google 'phlegmy'. Just for run .

  19. ya know, I think you're right. we should definitely be besties.

  20. My room entry song would totally be "Turn up the Radio" by Autograph. As I would walk in, I'd point to things (to the beat) and they would burst into explosions of flame and fireworks.

    Glad you found your blogging twin...just make sure she's not a weird twin that drools and has a baby arm coming out of her head like on SNL.

  21. If you think Hard Candy is bad, don't ever watch Teeth. ;)

    BAMF header btw.

    And I think my theme music would all be Veruca Salt music. But VS before Nina Gordon left, because that shit sucked from Revolver on.

  22. Where's the VLOG?!

    Really shouldn't get my hopes up like that you know. tee hee

  23. PL - I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a horrible parent and my future children will have little sailor's mouths and while I'm laughing at how funny it is, the moms on the PTA will be banning together to get me and my kids kicked out of school. Maybe I should not have children?

    SBG - THANK YOU! No one had blessed me yet for that God awful sneeze!

    Courtney - Porn music is pretty much perfect. How about walking into your mom's house to porn music?


    but totally worth it.

    MJenks - That made me a little barfy after reading. I'm glad Courtney cleared that up so I didn't have to.

    Megan - Douche is one of the best words because it can be combined with many other cuss words and always be hilarious. For instance, one of my all time favorites is douchefuck. Super fucking fun, right? (Also, I just scrolled back up and realized that Courtney said douchefuck too. Looks like I'm not the only one that loves that word!)

    Amy - I guess saying porn music on that job application probably wouldn't have helped my chances, huh?

    Ckrets - Yeah, I pretty much hate everything involving winter so I will definitely have to come to Canada in the warm months. Plus Fiancee and Manfriend can bond doing outdoorsy boy type stuff while we drink wine and watch reality tv because that's probably my favorite thing to do ever.

    OWO - A lot of these post ideas come about while I'm stoned (on legal incense, yo). I usually have to wait to publish until the next day just to make sure it's not one of those "just funny while you're high" kind of things.

    hellotaylor - Someone finally noticed!!!!!!!!

    Ariennette - I swear, one of these days, I am going to make a post completely dedicated to the comments you leave on my blog. They really do make life worth living.

    Sadako - Hi! Not only was it gross, but it was so very, very slow... good movie, but slow.

    Ed - Hey, some girls might be totally into the loogie on the breasts thing. You should try it on the next girl you bring home and let me know how that goes.

    LOST - Douchefag? Officially added to my vocabulary. Thank you, kind sir.

    Gemma - Denise Richards was on Friends? WTF? Will you be mad at me if I tell you that I have not ever seen ONE episode of Friends. Ever. In the history of ever. Weird?

    Danaconda - Everything about this comment made me smile.

    teek - Everything is funnier stoned!!! I could watch a kitten play with a mouse for five hours and laugh hysterically the whole time with a little help from my friend, Mary Jane.

    MommaKiss - Now, boys and girls, this is an example of what happens with you mix alcohol and commenting on blogs. (Pure hilarity.)

    Valerie - Welcome to the world of crazy!

    aladdinsane - I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to find a Youtube link to that now.

    Dani - It took me a minute to realize you weren't talking about Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka. I was really worried you wanted that, "I want it NOW, Daddy!" song playing everywhere you went which would get really annoying and people would probably think you were kind of a bitch except not me because obviously we're friends but still... Glad that's not what you meant.

    And thanks for noticing my badass header!

    CkretsGalore - I should never promise people things when I'm overly excited and forget that I pretty much go into a coma starting Friday at 6 pm until Sunday at 6 pm. Doing it tonight! (That's what she said.)

  24. Well we've come to that awkward part in our relationship...I don't care for most reality tv.
    It's ok though, you can watch and I will prep, cook, and serve you while we both drink wine. See, I knew we could come to an agreement. Really I'd make a fantastic wife plus Imma super freak!