Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Can I Pre-Order a Hooker in Vegas?

So I was planning on giving y'all part 2 of the Fiancee and Sara Swears a Lot story this week, but something major has come up. (To read the first part, clickity click hiz-ere.)

And by major, I mean I'M GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING VEGAS THIS WEEKEND!

I am the girl who never plans spur of the moment trips because I am all about lists and details and plans and bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

So this is the first time I will be embarking on a trip to a place I've never been, where I know no one, with absolutely no plans and not a hell of a lot of spending money.

So if you've been to Vegas before - let me know what places I just *have* to go to, what places to avoid, and where I can find a hooker because if I'm going to Vegas, I'm doing it right, ya hurrd?

Wish me luck!

PS - Let's see a show of hands of who all thought I was going to Vegas to get married!

PPS - I'm not, I promise. But I definitely will be taking a picture in front of a chapel just to scare the shit out of my mom.

17 comments:

  1. I doubt you need to pre-order. Unless you want one of those high class ones. Which, is there such a thing as a high class hooker? Not that I'm an expert on hookers or anything...

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  2. Don't forget to do a line off the hooker's ass if you do find one without venereal diseases (good luck with that). I wouldn't want you to miss out on the key points of hiring a hooker.

    Also, remember: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. With the exception of herpes.

    Do a shot for me, bitch!

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  3. Lilly - I guess since I'm broke as a joke (yes, actually, that rhyme IS funny), I'll just have to wait and pick a hooker out when I get there. Hopefully one with teeth.

    Courtney - I'll make sure to ask every woman who even glances in my direction if she has herpes, you know, justincase. And *duh*, I'll even tweet you a picture of the shot I do for you. : )

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  4. have fun in vegas! night clubs are expensive but hopefully you can win some slot machines or something. lol!

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  5. Listen, i think its a waste if you don't go to Vegas and get a quicky marriage and then annul it. Call it the Britney Spears tour-of-Vegas. Also, if you can find it (and i have never been to Vegas so i dunno) you should totally do an amateur stripper night. I bet your sexy ass would win!

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  6. SO kinda new to your blog, but certainly not to Vegas. So here are my tips for the Vegas trip:

    -It's what you make it. You can be bored if that's how you want it. OR you can have a drunken blast where all you remember is what they tell you the next morning... your decision.

    -As far as rooms go, doesn't matter. You don't spend much time it in anyway.

    -When you're gambling. I found it is highly effective if you jump up and down and yell "BIG MONEY! BIG MONEY! BIG MONEY!".

    - FLIRT. This will more than likely get you in on someone's VIP table. Allowing you a breather from someone else's pits in the more crowded clubs. Yes. This makes you a whore, but it's Vegas people!

    - Do not. I repeat DO NOT let some taxi or limo driver convince you into going to some unknown club where "all the locals go to". You will find yourself at a seedy strip club. IF you happen to find yourself said strip club, STAY OUT OF THE BACK ROOM. Wait.. unless you want to get a hooker. Than you're in the right place.

    -Shows: Are fucking expensive. Moving on.

    -Clothes: Whatever the hell you want. If you ask yourself: Is this neckline too low? Or is this skirt to short? Know this: You will see 10 girls by the time you get out of the elevator with more cleavage and vagina than you.
    However, I must warn you to not buy those sexy 4 in. heels days before you go. You spend 90% on your feet for the night, and you don't want to have to walk the strip barefoot do you? Unless you piggyback ride on some sexy man's back all the way to your hotel, but I digress.

    That is all. So be Safe. Have fun. and drink A LOT.

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  7. Since I've yet to be further into the States than Minot, all I have to say is Have Fun! And don't let anyone roofie you like in the Hangover.

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  8. The hookers in Vegas all carry around business cards with their names, photos, and phone numbers. Not that I would know by experience, or anything!

    My uncle is a dealer at the Bellagio and I would recommend that place-- it's really beautiful inside.

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  9. I lived in Vegas for almost four years. Here are a few suggestions:

    -It's a cliche, but see the Bellagio fountain show. They run it hourly after dark. It's free and pretty cool.

    -Eat at In-n-Out burger. They are only in four states and aren't expanding very quickly, so this might be your only chance for a while. The nearest one is a mile west of the Strip on Tropicana Ave.

    -I really like the Hard Rock Hotel. Get a Margarita at Pink Taco. Yes, that's the name and their slogan is "Our taco tastes better than yours."

    The rest is up to you. I didn't take you to raise!

    If you don't mind my asking, where are you staying?

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  10. Wooooo VEGAS!!! I just went there in June! Stud 69 and I had a blast. You should definitely check on the Minus 5 bar in the Mandalay Bay Hotel. Everything is made of ice (the bar, seats, your glass) and you have to wear special clothes to get in.
    It's totally awesome!

    Oh and Stud 69 heard that there is somewhere you can get oiled up and wrestle a midget. If you find it will you please let me know?

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  11. yournamehere - I'm staying at the Rio. I got the tickets from a coworker who had a last minute cancellation.

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  12. Hookers are actually illegal in Vegas city limits. I can't believe I'm the first person to tell you this.

    At least I think I am. It's Tuesday at almost midnight and I just got back from a FANTASTIC date whwere I had to use every single ounce of willpower I have in my soul not to fuck this guy and i'm kinda drunk.

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  13. Seems everyone is going to Vegas but me. *pout*

    My mom gets a free four day trip in mid August.

    But I'll bet she wouldn't know what to do with a hooker! And I'm sure that YOU do. :)

    I hope you have a marvelous time and come back with some fanfuckingtastic stories. (That's basically an order.)

    P.S. - I hope you post part 2 before you leave!

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  14. please please please get a picture in front of a chapel with a 'little person' elvis minister guy.

    otherwise i will be required to track you down and possibly stab you with a rusty bucket.

    or give you my asshole cat to hit with your car

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  15. i wish i could give you advice, but i've never actually been! i'm pretty sure you need to see lots of drag queens, drink heavily, and maybe wake up next to a tiger...yeah, a real one. like in "the hangover."

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  16. I just stumbled across your blog this morning - funny thing? I DID get married in Vegas last year. It was fucking awesome.

    My suggestions for a Vegas newbie? Ghostbar at the Palms is fairly pretentous, but a great vew/cool place to go for a little while. The lazy river at the MGM Grand is a wonderful place to bake off a hangover...Thunder From Down Under at Excallibur is good if you're looking for some nekkid Australian boys waving their naught bits in your face...good bars? Studio 54 at MGM, Rumjungle at Mandalay Bay, Rok at NYNY. Ahh, I could go on and on!

    If you take a cab or limo, ask them for VIP passes to some of the bars. The first time that I went, we got VIP passes (no line, no cover) to three or four different places just for drunkidly singing to our cabbie one night.

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