Friday, June 4, 2010

Interviewing the White Tie Affair AKA Who The Fuck Are These Guys?

So my Bloggerstock post never got posted. And I sent it to two people. I guess my language is a bit much for the normal people out there who don't have douchefuck in their daily vocabulary.

The bitch in charge at Bloggerstock even sent me an email, and I felt the need to explain my post a little.

Here's my post. I hope it's going to a good home. Actually, I hope it goes to a dysfunctional home with a stepdad who drinks too much Natural Light and tells really embarassing jokes about his penis. I think my post would probably fit in better there anyways.

So I basically got Jew'd on my post.

On to the story I've been meaning to write for over a week.

A couple of weeks ago, I heard that the White Tie Affair would be playing at a bar in town starting at 4. So I decided to go because 1. I have an excuse to start drinking early 2. I have an excuse to leave work and 3. I have an excuse to start drinking early.

I met my future lesbian sister-in-law at the bar at 3:30. And yes, it was completely necessary to say lesbian there because we spent the first hour talking about hot girls/boobs/flirting with female bartenders.

When I ordered my first glass of wine, we asked the bartender when the show was supposed to start. After giving us a stupid shit ass response that did not answer our question, he asked if we were big fans. I didn't want to be a jerk so I figured I would just lie, say yes, and go find a table far away from this nosy sonofabitch bartender.

But... you see, sometimes my mouth has a way of getting ahead of my brain. Instead of giving a vague answer and leaving, my mouth said, "Oh, fuck yes. We are huge fans of White Tie Affair. Like, biggest fans ever. I have a poster of them on my wall, actually." And I'm not really sure how my mouth came to this decision, but I asked, "Do you think I can get them to make out with me at the end of the night? And by them, I mean all four of them."

(Interesting sidebar: There are only three of them. Mouth blew the cover again.)

After bullshitting my way through something that didn't even require bullshitting, I went to get a table with my sister-in-law and wait for Fiancee to show up. While we were waiting, our local radio personality showed up. After talking to the bartender for a few minutes, she made a beeline for our table.

Her: So the bartender told me that you guys are huge fans of White Tie Affair!

Me: Um, oh. Yeah, such huge fans! We love every single song! Best band ever!

Her: So which one is your favorite??

Me: My favorite? Oh, well. Um. How could I possibly choose? I guess, um, the singer?

Her: Oh, he's my favorite, too! They should be here any minute and then I can get you guys some autographs!

Me: Oh, super. Yeah, that's so exciting. Can't wait!

After she walked away, SIL and I looked at each other. "Fuck," I said. "What the fuck are we supposed to do now? I don't know anything about this damn band, and she's going to introduce us to them. Fuck that fucking bartender, dude." (You probably think my use of the word fuck that often in one sentence is odd, that I couldn't possibly cuss that much. Well, my friend, you are wrong. Especially after wine is involved.) After laughing at how ridiculous this night was already going (and getting my second glass of liquid courage), SIL came up with a great plan.

"Wait a second. You have your iPhone with you, right?" And that is all it took. I'm pretty sure that the iPhone was invented for moments like this. After googling the band, we actually found out something that intrigued us both.

White Tie Affair had played at a Playboy pajama party.

How badass is that? My lesbian SIL was excited about this discovery because duh. She likes hot women. I was excited about this discovery because hello? I'm pretty sure everyone can appreciate a hot girl with a nice rack, imjustsayin.

Now most people probably wouldn't center an entire interview around one random fact such as this. But we are not most people. When we were introduced to the lead singer, we let him know that we had several questions. At that point, stupidbitchradiopersonality pulled out a camera and said she wanted to film it.

Really, Universe? I know we lied, but come on! It wasn't even that big of a lie!

Luckily, we got through it pretty nicely, and I think I censored myself pretty well. (And by pretty well, I mean I only said "fuck" and "blow jay" once.) Plus it turns out the band is pretty fucking cool and could handle every question we threw at them with style and sex appeal.

Questions such as:

Did you get to squeeze some Playboy bunny boobies?
Do you know how many you got to squeeze?
Did you get a boner while performing in front of half-naked bunnies?
Did you see Hugh Hefner naked? If so, did his balls looks shriveled?
You toured with Lady Gaga. Did you fuck her?

I'm pretty sure this interview isn't going on the website.

Note: Also, the lead singer (whose name I still don't remember) signed a picture for me "To my favorite girlfriend. Rawrrr!" There's nothing like being a groupie.

Also? Remind me to tell the story of the nasty tittied groupie who was completely ignored by the band ALL. FUCKING. NIGHT. Maybe you should have spent your money on a sense of humor instead of a botched breast job, yaknowwhadimsayin?


  1. Wow, I haven't had Natty Light in a long time. I don't know if this is something that happens around the country, but one year for Halloween a friend of mine was the "Natty Light Knight." Amazing.

    Lady GaGa ranks No. 1 on my scale of "Unattractive women who I'd totally bone." Now that I think about it though, there really isn't another woman on the scale. Rue McClanahan was No. 2, but unfortunately she just died. If I may quote my reporter: "That Blanche is such a whore."

  2. I have never heard of this band, but if i had found out they played a playboy pajama party i would be asking the exact same questions. Including: how many of the boobs do you think were real? Which one would you sleep with if you had the choice?

    So, did you get to make out with any of the guys in the bad. Bonus points if you got a 4-way kiss out of them (is it even possible to have a 4-way kiss?). And yes, that is exactly what Iphones were made for.

  3. 'You probably think my use of the word fuck that often in one sentence is odd, that I couldn't possibly cuss that much.'

    I'm so glad someone else swears as much as me. i usually end up putting swear words into normal words, such as re-fucking-ceptionist. I like to think it brightens up the sentence and offends anyone prudish.

    Nice blag as well. God bless the iphone.

  4. That story rules. Did you know there's a book called The F Word and it's all about Fuck as the greatest fucking word in the world? You should buy it. I almost did, but it was like $12 and instead I bought a comic book.

  5. That sucks that your Bloggerstock post was never put up. You should just post it here. Were their rules that said you couldn't swear? Was the person too offended to post it?

  6. Anyone who thinks that you can't squeeze that many fucks into one sentence is fucking clueless, and I'm not just saying that for effect.

    My friends and I have proven that you can use "fuck" as every part of speech.

    Also...nice iPhone save.

  7. I think we should be best friends.


  8. Give me that fucking post and I'll put it on my blog. Those bastards.

    Every time I read a new story I think, "Fuck. This chick is awesome." And you are. Best.Story.Ever.

    And hello! Who wouldn't love a band that answered questions like that? I'll bet you've got their poster up now, doncha bitch?

  9. Danaconda - Oh, Lady Gaga is most definitely on my unattractive women I would bone list. She's just so.... fucking weird. It would be worth it for the stories later. Plus she's probably totally kinky in bed.

    Coyote Rose - I totally should have asked the fake or real boob question. Fuck! Oh, and four way kiss? Totally possible. Not that I know from experience or anything. I'mnotawhore.

    Gemma - I'm really disappointed that I'm getting a promotion because now I can't call myself a re-fucking-ceptionist. Let down city.

    Twist - Looking up that book right now. I should have fucking written it, though...

    Allison - There weren't rules. I just think the people I submitted it to were lazy sumbitches and didn't feel like participating. It wasn't very good anyways so I should really be thankful.

    MJenks - They should really let me write the commercials for iPhone. Fucking SOLD, bitches!

    LiLu - imjustsayintoo! I really need to move to D.C. If only I could stand obnoxious tourists always walking in my way...

    OWO - Dude. I wish you were my neighbor. I just think it would be a lot of fun to make fun of stupid people with you. I have no clue why I get that vibe. Maybe because of that fat kid you made fun of on your blog? (Oh, and it's okay for me to laugh at that shit because I was a fat kid, too.)

  10. Glad to hear of your love for re-fucking-ceptionist- i shouted it once really loudly whilst playing pictionary. Who guesses 'office worker' before receptionist? fucking idiots. angry swearing is the best.

    And seeing as you can't be one you could always call your minions re-fucking-ceptionists.

    Blow-jay has now been added to my vocabulary. cheers!

  11. oh my god, that is the most hilarious story ever! seriously, you definitely got shafted by fate that night :) but it sounds like you managed to decently bullshit your way through that shiz, so good for you!

  12. I can't believe they didn't post your Bloggerstock! (PS- mine is on Allison's blog- she posted it because she rules, and now we're Facebook stalkers- I mean friends). I would totally post yours. You swear more than me.

  13. What were their answers to these questions? Did they get to squeeze some Playboy bunnie boobies?

  14. lol i would love to see that interview...when ya gonna post it? what were their responses?
    oh and fuck bloggerstock!!! fuck them up their stoopid asses cause your shit rocks the cock all the way down the block biatch! love you...stalk you later! ;o)

  15. I swear a lot...too! Ha! No pictures??

  16. lololol i know who they are and i met them also... at a lady gaga concert about 2 years ago (yeah i liked lady gaga back then bitches!) I even got 2 of them to sign their cd.
    fcuk ya!!!