Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Fictional Characters I'd Like to Fuck (I Really Hope My Mom Finds This One)

I received a bloggy challenge this week from one of my favorite bloggers of all fucking time. And I have some boring news down at the bottom if you get that far. You're welcome for the warning.

Aly from Calling People Names gifted me with the Plastic Joy Award.

The rules are to "list (and then explain your reasoning) 5 characters you’d like to do the horizontal whiplash with".

So since I think about sex roughly 86% of the day, I figure this challenge should be easy. And what do you know? It was! And so it begins.

1. David "Gordo" Gordon from Lizzie McGuire.

I chose Gordo because I had the hugest hard-on on him in middle school when I was addicted to the Disney show Lizzie McGuire. I loved his curly fro hair, and he was the sweet best friend who loved Lizzie all along. And now that I'm older? I want to do dirty, dirty things to Gordo. I even had a sex dream about him not that long ago. (Also? Totally not creepy because Gordo was in his 20s when he was on Lizzie McGuire. Fair game!)

2. Aldous Snow from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Obviously, this guy is a fucking freak. And a cheater. And he has STDs. But this is my fucking MIND, okay? Stop judging me. The guy HAS to be amazing in bed. After all, he did teach the nerdy kid how to pleasure his wife, didn't he? And every time I hear that accent? Panty change!

3. Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid.

Look at that face. Seriously. Disney movies just set me up for a lifetime of perviness. How was I NOT supposed to think of sex looking at that cartoon character? I just want to rip his fucking clothes off. He's got that chiseled jaw, the strong arms, his long, hard.... um, legs? And the way he looks at Ariel? I think I'm going to have to go take a cigarette break.

4. Chad Dylan Cooper from Sonny With a Chance.

You might have noticed that I have a thing for Disney characters. But this guy is fucking adorable. And don't worry -- he's totally legal. Well, the actor is, not the character. But I think I'm okay with that. And ugh, his hair. So fucking hot. And I could feel a little cougary. Demi Lovato ain't got shit on me.

5. Tallahassee, Wichita, and Columbus from Zombieland.

Yes please.

More please.

Hell fucking yes.

Seriously? Hottest. Foursome. Ever. Plus it's the end of the world, people! It's Zombieland! Which means some kinky shit is bound to happen with these three. They're witty, they're sexy, and they're exactly the kind of people I want to take my foursome virginity. If I have to experience the end of the world, I should at least get to fuck three hot ass people while I'm at it. Also, I seem to have a thing for fro-hair because Jesse Eisenberg's hair makes my mouth water.

Picking fictional characters to make sexy time with was a little too easy. And now I feel a little like a creep.

Anycreepysexperv, on to the boring shit.

Weigh-In Wednesdays have been put on hold. I've lost a total of about 15 pounds, and I'm feeling really fucking good so I'm kind of just rolling with it at the moment. Also, I don't really want to commit to saying I'll do something every single week because work is a KILLER at the moment.

Also, you guys all seemed like you wanted to know how everything worked out concerning the big fat ugly fuck who stole money from me. Well it's STILL GOING ON. The bank told me they can't refund all my money because it was a debit purchase.

And I would probably be cussing/ranting/screaming a lot more about the fact that I'm not getting my money back if it weren't for an incident that happened recently in my area of the country.

There was a family from my city camping at the Albert Pike Campground in Arkansas a couple of weeks ago. Two parents and two little girls (ages 2 & 7). When the floods hit, they had no warning. They tried to get in their truck and drive away, but the waters flipped their car over. The father grabbed the mother and pushed her to safety. By the time he turned around to get his daughters, they were gone. He helped several more people get away, but he didn't make it out alive. The funeral was last Friday.

I may have been stolen from. I may not get the total amount back that was stolen from me. But I would rather have everything I own stolen from me than lose my family. Therefore, every penny I get back of the money stolen from me will be donated to the woman who lost the three most important people in her life. Maybe if I turn karma around and make a bad thing into a good thing, more people can do the same.


The bank called me right as I was about to hit Publish. They're refunding every penny that was taken from me. And I'm keeping good on my promise. The total amount refunded will go straight to helping another person who is in a worse spot than me. And I'd really like to encourage all of you to do just one good deed today. If you don't have enough money to donate to a cause, just do something nice. Tell somebody their shoes are cute, let a family member know how grateful you are to have them in your life, let a person out in traffic.

The little acts of kindness add up. And I know I'm a bitch on this blog. (And in real life sometimes.) So let's take a second out of our day and do something for someone else. Leave me a comment letting me know what act of kindness you've done today, and I might, maybe, may just have a nice little present for my favorite one.

Go get 'em, bitches!


  1. You totally just inspired my next blog post. Is it weird that I don't feel creepy at all?

  2. I got that plastic joy award too, but haven't posted it yet. Now though...with all that Disney speak? I'm inspired. You do seem to have it bad for the geeky just-barely-legal crowd. Hey, let that freak flag fly!

    PS-think it's horrible what happened to you, but think it's great how you're handling it.

  3. Hello lovely. Good choice in Gordo. I used to have a thing for him too. Love the curly fros.

    I hate hearing about those kinds of things (flood story). It makes me sick to my stomach. But I admire the way you're letting it influence you.

    As for my good deed: I flashed a homeless man my boobs.

    Ok, kidding.

    I haven't gotten there yet, but I totally well. The good deed I mean. Not the flashing part. (Unless you're interested...)

  4. Jessica Rabbit is the hottest fictional character ever. Non-cartoon would have to be "Tina Carlyle" - Cameron Diaz's character in The Mask.

    I had a conversation with the toll booth operator this morning. Little convos with them go a long way considering how boring their job is.

  5. I'm trying to think who my first crush was. Cary Elwes from The Princess Bride, probably.


  6. I'll take Aldous and Gordo together. I can multitask.

  7. Oh my! Russell Brand?! I'm not judging and by the tight pants he wears, I can see that he's well endowed but I wouldn't have him at all.

    I had a huge crush on Michael from Prison Break, Dre (Taye Diggs) from the movie Brown Sugar, and Zach from Saved By The Bell. ;p

  8. The flood story is so sad! Good for you donating all the money you're getting back, pointing out how you'd rather have your family really put things in perspective for me.

  9. Kick ass on the 15lbs! I'm attempting to lose my quit smoking lbs (I bought work out clothes....big step there).

    Also kudos for donating the money. After reading that I told my boyfriend how much I appreciated having him & his daughter in my life. I try to do nice things for people as often as I can. I know life can change so dramatically and tragically in a blink of an eye so hugs are very important.

  10. 15 pounds is AWESOME!! Way to go! :)

  11. First of all, that is the greatest award EVER. Second, I would TOTALLY do Prince Eric. He is GAWJUS. Third, that man is totally my new hero and you are, too, for doing a good deed. We need more people like you two in the world.

  12. OMG Sara you are so nice to help that women out- ugh- my stomach dropped when I read that- you are a sweetheart! And nice work on losing the 15!

  13. Holy hell, you're my new favorite blogger. I did something like this a while ago... Disney's Aladdin was on my list!! I still get people that find my blog by googling "Aladdin sex".

  14. OMG, I'm in love. You are so right about donating the money. That whole flood deal was such a tragedy.

    Here, in Pittsburgh, a woman was hit by an SUV while pushing her bright yellow double jogging stroller. She pushed her kids out of the way and they're OK, but after she had some emergency surgery, she still died.

    And the kid that hit her? High.

    I donated in her name. Karma is a good thing when you do good things. But that kid who killed the mother of 3...karma's going to be such a bitch.

  15. Oh, and I adore Gordo, as well. Hot!

  16. Bitch, I was all ready to come in and start talking about all the hot bitches you DIDN'T talk about, and then you go and talk about sad shit and make me cry. Like, seriously? Dead babies AND dead husband? That's playing dirty.

    (But because I can't resist: Gordo was hotdamnfuckable, but where the motherfuck is Spencer Reid on your list? That's ok, he's on my list and now I don't have to fight you for him)