Monday, May 10, 2010

Making Friends Is the New Dating

My office is full of beautiful, 20-something women who are all friends. They have the same sense of humor as me, and they're the kind of girlfriends every girl needs.

Unfortunately, I suck at making friends about as much as I used to suck at dating. I get incredibly awkward around girls I want to be friends with. I make extremely lame jokes, say inappropriate things, and kick myself in the ass twenty minutes later when I'm sitting at my desk, thinking of a witty comment I should have made instead of the half-ass joke I came up with.

Like I've said before: Making friends is just like dating.

Friday at work, W said, "I'm so glad it's Friday! Some of us are going to Tiki Bar tonight after work if you want to come." Right when I was opening my mouth to say, "YES! I'D LOVE TO COME! BEMYBESTFRIENDFOREVERPLEASE," I noticed that she was looking at the woman next to me.

Um, hi? Can I be friends with you, too? I promise I'm really funny when I get in my element. Sometimes I even make really hilarious penis jokes.

After work on Friday, I was boo-hooing to Fiancee about it.

"We all get along so well at work. They even laugh at my jokes sometimes! And we text each other when we're not at work. I'm even laying down all the signs that I'm free on the weekends and want to be friends with them, but they're not picking up the signs! They hate me! CryCryCryCry."

(Seriously, people. I'm ridiculous. I wasn't this nervous trying to get Fiancee to be my boyfriend, for fuck's sake.)

Since the girls at work obviously suck balls at picking up my hey-i'm-free-be-my-friend signals, I decided to wait until I'd had a few drinks in me Friday night to send a friendly, totally not creepy, um, no it's not weird at all, stop judging me text message to W. It was a pretty simple, "Hey, I'm out drinking for the third time since I turned 21. You'd be proud!" rather than what I wanted to send which was something along the lines of, "Do you want to be my best friend? Check 'yes' or 'go ahead and cut yourself, bitch, because that shit ain't happening.'"

And you know what happened after that? FUCKING NOTHING. I didn't get a text message back at all.

Yeah, I bet you thought there would be a happy ending here where we all became best buds and hugged and had pillow fights and made out (like girls do). Well this is the real world fuckers. Stop being so damn hopeful!

PSYCHE! (Bringing back the 90s, baby!)

Okay, but really, there totally is a happy ending here.

This morning at work, we were all standing outside smoking and W said, "I'm having a little get-together at my house this weekend if you want to come," and then she looked directly at the girl next to me again. I was about to get ready to cry a few boo-hoo tears back at my desk when she looked at me and said, "If you want to come, too."

Little did she know, those six words, one comma, and one period had me bursting into happy tears in my heart. But of course I had to play it cool (duh) so I just said, "Yeah, that would be cool. I could probably cook something if I have time." And inside I was all, "OHMYGOD I can cook whatever you want! Casserole?! Dessert?! Fruits and vegetables?! A million dollars?! YAYAYAYAYAY!"

God, I'm such a fucking loser.

I'll probably have to write a post about how many times I embarassed myself this weekend. I'm betting 12, at the very least. Any takers?


  1. You have no idea how happy i am to know I'm not the only one who has as many issues making new friends as I do dating.

  2. Im the Bitch you wish you were friends with, and There is usually an application process to be my friend...this week, and this week only Im waving the Application fees....Next week though You'll need to have a pay pal account! Nice Blog btw, those girls sound like real cool bitches!
    - The Muffin CEO of the Muffin Club (Its an exclusive club....there are only 12 followers Oh I mean members!)

  3. Thank you thank you for writing how we all feel. Unless you ar putting yourself in a situation where everyone is in the same boat, like college or seasonal jobs, it is the most difficult to infiltrate stupid girl cliques.

    I was howling. There may have been tears. I even let a little fart go, due to lack of control during cackling. But that's just between us.

  4. Hahaha, I love this, I have TOTALLY been there. In October, I met this girl named Emma through a friend, and I thought she was OH-SO COOL and all I wanted in the world was for her to like me! I Facebooked her, and asked her if she'd like to hang out sometime... and then I realized that was exactly how my last boyfriend asked me out.


  5. I'm so there... I hate being the new kid in the office - and being the new kid seems to last for YEARS - it's ridiculous how hard it is, as a reasonably intelligent/non-psychotic adult to make friends!

    I think I have you beat on pathetic though just be dint of the fact that you go home to whine to your fiancee...and I tend to call my mother (the only person who I can whine to without worry that she'll hang up ;-) )

  6. You should definitely get on the vlogging train. WOO! WOO! I need to do another one soon myself.

    Making friends is super easy! Just hang a sign around your neck that says "Walking Pharmacy". That's what I used to do at parties. Now I don't even have drugs anymore, but I've still got loads of friends! (sort of)

    In other news: I am awesome.
    In other, other news: I'd totally be your friend. Especially with a makeout clause. RAWR!

  7. Okay, since no one else guessed... I go with 7. I'm rounding down... don't disappoint. Deal?

  8. Ohmygodcanwebebestfriendsnow???
    seeing as i read your posts and all, we should be best friends
    i really love the way you write, it's totally engaging, wait, is that really how you spell it en-GAG-ing? that can't be right! imma go check now..ummm yep that's right...

    wow, is that a real compliment then? Oh blogger friend, you are so en-GAGING wtf? I love your work cause it en-GAGS me...who ever decided that's the way it should be written was a moron or maybe it's a ninja word that is all sneaky like and its intention is to make you think you are getting a compliment and then while you are all starry eyed (from the compliment), it throws ninja stars at your head, while round house kicking you in the torso and then grabs either side of your head and twists until your dead...holy shit, this is a dangerous word that nobody should ever say again....let's not speak of this incident...i never sent you this...i have an alibi!

  9. WAITAMINNIT...there's a blog out there called "Sara Swears a Lot"? And she's all about handing out hand jobs and such to her friends?


    I hate you, too, blogosphere. You whore.

  10. R - I'm pretty sure I have MORE embarassing moments trying to make friends than I ever did dating. Women are scary sometimes...

    Brans-Muffin - I'm actually a really bad procrastinator... so if I get the application done in a week, how much is that gonna cost me? And do I get any sexual favors for that price? Very important information before signing a contract.

    Jodes - There is nothing more in this world I could possibly want other than to make you fart. Um, wait. That sounded weird. Whatever. You get it, I'm sure.

    Katie - Yeah, asking girls out is even more awkward than asking guys out! Plus I don't want to come off as a creepy lesbian when I'm really just trying to be super-cool-oh-so-funny-bestest-girlfriend-ever. Too bad I don't live in DC. Then we could be friends without that awkward asking you out thing.

    Shayna - I would complain to my mom about it, but she would probably just forget she was on the phone with me and start watching tv in the middle of the conversation. When I lived alone, I used to complain to my dog. BEAT THAT!

    OWO - Do a vlog for me! I love them! And then tell me what to do mine about because I'm obviously uncreative. Also? A makeout clause could definitely happen. Usually, I would request a picture first, but I already know you're hawt so we're good. (See how I spelled hawt there? It means hotter than hot.)

    rbandj - I plan on bringing a notepad and paper just to make sure I get the number right. Although pulling my notepad and pen out in the middle of conversation might count as an embarassing moment on its own.

    Naked Writer - First of all, are you really naked? I hope so. Secondly, like I said in the comment I left you -- you made my morning. I woke up with a smile on my face and let me tell you, that NEVER happens. Not even during morning sex.

    MJenks - Plus I'm super great at the hand jobs. At least, compared to when I was in 10th grade, and I would just grab it and move it around like a joy stick. So that's really not saying much, I guess. Just go with it. I'm great.

  11. I couldn't pay attention after "I'm killer at the BJs." Sorry.

  12. Happy to be a friend
    I also understand if you change your mind
    People have been known to do that with me