Monday, May 31, 2010

Bloggerstock: My Theme Song

Today will be my very first ever guest posting. (Clap hands here.) Johana Hill will be writing a post on her theme song for her life so pay attention, bitches. You might learn something important. I would put up a link to where I'm posting but dude never let me know what email address he wanted me to send it to. In case you're wondering? My theme song for life is the Hannah Montana theme show song. You think you know a person....

I would be a little more charming, but the in-laws are in town for a surprise visit this weekend which means I'm trying to keep my sanity aka trying not to stab my face off with a spoon. Without further ado...

Huzzah! My name is Johana Hill and I blog over at The Mercurial Wife. You are invited to drop by anytime you darn wish! Now you might be wondering why did I hack Sara's blog? I did not! I swear! It's a Bloggerstock blog-swap! And I'm glad I got to swap this month's theme with Sara. Besides swearing a lot she's funny and smart! But we know that. ;)

Anyway, Bloggerstock is the brainchild (or lovechild?) of a few 20sb-ers who came together and created this beautiful 'child' whose sole purpose is to "link a bunch of bloggers together in a blog-ring". Discover and be discovered, in a nutshell. However, the child comes with a few house rules! I know, right? But it's not that bad. It's fun-ner! Okay, so this month theme is "What is your theme song?".

When I clicked on the appropriate link to participate in this month's Bloggerstock blog-swap, I felt confident and said to myself, "Here, this should be easy!" Have you got any theme song? Have you even thought about it? Not until after I clicked on the link!

Boy oh! boy! I started a mental check-list of all my favorite songs and still came up blank. There's not even a single song out there which remotely bears any resemblance to my life. After a careful and tedious calories-burned-thought-process, I opted for Chasing Pavements by the lovely Adele. I love that song more than I love food! And that's saying a lot. Very, very.

I know many of you know Adele but for those who don't, they should defnitely check the song out. I'm so nice that I decided to bring it to you! ;p

"Should I give up or should I keep chasing pavements? Even if it leads nowhere..." That's a question I ask myself everytime Mr. Big Decision knocks on my door.

Hope you liked the song!

Sara, thank you so much for having me here. ;p I'm a fan of your blog. And keep swearing love! *hugs*

Thanks to the Bloggerstock's team who made this possible. ;p

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I Miss You. Can We All Spoon? / Weigh-In Wednesday

So I figured I'd stop by and let everyone know posting and commenting will be pretty slow for the next couple of weeks. Ten bitches at my office have quit in the last two weeks, and we all know what that means, right?


That's right. I'm getting a promotion not because they think I'm amazing (which I am) but because they're shit out of luck with no employees right now. Oh well. I'll take it!

Here's a little sumthin' sumthin' to tide you over.

My friend works for a low income school where most of the students' parents are on welfare and don't really give a fuck if their kids go to school or not. They just had field day last week, as well as all the other schools in the parish.

My friend was looking through the pictures and saw that the nice schools had bouncy castles and ridiculously fun games for their field day while her school had stupid ass shit games that the kids didn't even care about. They even had to play tug-of-war against themselves. What the fuck, right?

So I decided to come up with a few field day games that might actually be helpful for these children in the future.

1. Running from the cops while wearing sagging jeans. Now this one definitely isn't easy. The whole time you're running, you have to hold on to your pants to make sure you can get away. It would also be a plus if we could have a dog chasing after them as well. Much more realistic.

2. Finding a place to hide your weed. Obviously, this is a very important task that these children will need to learn soon. If they want to evade arrest, they need to find the good places to hide their dime bags. Winner gets a free dime bag! What a deal!

3. Getting your twelve brothers and sisters ready for school in the morning. These kids often have to take care of themselves so this will play an important role in making sure they don't get beat for being late to school. Plus, once they have their own kids when they're 14, they'll be able to pass the tradition on.

That's all I got. I'll try to get back when I can, but things are pretty fucking crazy around my office right now so it might be a while.

Try to add a few extra fucks and shits to your day in honor of me.


Adding this on! Here goes nothing...

Starting Weight: 189.2
Last Week's Weight: 185.0
Current Weight: 182.4
This Week's Loss: 2.6
Total Loss: 6.8

This was after 2 weeks since I skipped weighing in last week so that's not too bad! I'm feeling a lot lighter, I'm running on the treadmill longer, and I'm eating a hell of a lot less junk food. Here's to keeping it up...

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Hi, I'm the copier!

Disclaimer: This is *obviously* all in fun. So if anyone from work / school / real life in general should ever happen to stumble upon my blog, please try not to be a little bitch about it.

I am the receptionist at my company. Which basically means I'm the office bitch. I often hear, "Sara, I don't know how to use the copier. Will you do this for me?"

For some stupid reason, the receptionist desk is not located in the same room as the copier and fax machine. My desk is right around the corner, and some other poor woman has to sit in the office with the loud ass fax machine and piece of shit copier.

The woman in that office put post-its above both machines stating what they were. But every single time someone comes in to use either machine, they do the same thing. They walk in and stand in front of both machines. They look up at the post-its located directly above the machines. They turn around and ask, "Which one is the fax and which one is the copier?"

Seriously, people? I realize that life is really difficult without having someone walking next to you, holding your hand, guiding you through the world and all, but COME ON. At least observe your surroundings.

So this has become a running joke in the office between me and the poor, poor soul who is stuck sitting in that room. Every time we hear someone ask which one is the fax and which one is the copier, we just give each other the sad head shake for humanity.

Today, I changed desks and am now sitting in said office. I already knew what my first order of business would be.

My favorite thing about these signs is that I know, in my heart, that they are entirely passive-aggressive. But thanks to a picture of a smiling copier and a few exclamation points, people think I'm just being friendly and helpful.

Bitch, please.

If I could write how I really felt, I would put, "Look! Over here! How can you not tell this is a copier and that is a fax machine? How do you live in this world and not know that shit?"

Too strong?

Nah, I didn't think so, either.

Penny Lane *Updated

Fiancee and I found Penny Lane at a Pet Smart adoption day. We had been going to adoption day every single Saturday for weeks because we love playing with the dogs that need a home. We always knew we weren't going to get one of them because we already had two dogs. Who the hell needs another mouth to feed when we're trying to save for a wedding?

Apparently we do. I was trying to convince Fiancee to let us take home a Chow/Lab mix (our usual routine that always ended with him saying no) when he pointed out a black and white dog with one blue eye. "What about her?" he asked me. We walked over to her crate and found out she was an Australian cattle dog. In other words? The most hyper fucking dog on the planet. Yet she was just sitting in her cage, looking up at us with that fucking adorable blue eye, calm as could be.

After much deliberation (45 seconds), we decided we had to have her. We named her almost immediately. (And don't you dare ask me where I got the name from. If you don't know that Beatles song, you are dead to me.)

We were immediately attached to her, and vice versa. She would never leave my side, even joining me in the bathroom. She cried when I took a shower because she couldn't see me. And she still does this shit three months later. If Fiancee goes to take the trash to the curb, she cries at the door the whole time he's gone.

Now look at this face.

My obedience school instructor tells Penny she has "movie star looks", and I have to agree. But sometimes she can be a little bitch.

Every single time I get up from the couch to walk somewhere, she is right under my feet. Not behind. Not next to. Right under. I trip on that fucking dog multiple times every single night. I swear to God she does that shit on purpose.

Penny Lane is absolutely evil to Jean-Claude. She's 3 months old so she thinks that everyone wants to play just as much as her. She is very, very wrong. Jean-Claude jumps on the sofa to get away from her, and she GRABS HIM BY THE TAIL AND PULLS HIM DOWN. If that's not evil, I don't know what is.

She also likes to let all the other animals out of their resting spots. Jean-Claude sleeps in the master bathroom where his kennel is, and Duke sleeps in the office where his bed is. Right when I let her out of her cage after work, she makes a beeline to the bathroom to let JC out and then heads straight for the office where she lets Duke out. Which means I go from calm, zen, after-work Sara into, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DAMN DOGS DOING?! DROP THAT SHOE! STOP LICKING ME! IF YOU JUMP ON ME ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR TO GOD..."

I love my dogs, but SHIT, man. They are really fucking annoying sometimes.

But then?

Then we take her to obedience school and realize that she is the smartest dog in her class. She's like that nerdy fat kid in elementary school (ahem, me) because she loves to learn and she's damn good at it. She learned how to sit in just ten minutes. She can roll over on command. She high fives. She will actually sit and stay even though I can tell it's killing her inside to have to sit still for that long.

So even though I call her a bitch roughly seventeen times a week? I have never loved a pet as much as I love this freaking dog. (Stop being a baby, Jean-Claude. I love you both equally, ok?)


Right after I wrote this beautiful post about my lovely dog, I realized I forgot something.

Last night, she was apparently wanting me to feed her. Again. She had already had her dinner for the night so I told her she couldn't have any more. Right after I told her no, she grabbed her food bowl, moved it to the middle of the kitchen....


What. A. Fucking. Bitch.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

I Made a Vlog! Sober!

I finally did my vlog. With no alcohol. Impressed? You should be. I was planning on getting tipsy as fuck before I started. This vlog is basically a follow-up to this post. With a little extra added in.

I know my beauty is pretty difficult to deal with so just calm yourselves before watching. And if you really need one, I'll send you a nudey picture of myself. Only if you really need it, though.

Also, I'm sorry for moving around so damn much, but I'm a bit of a fidgeter. And the webcam isn't exactly the best piece of video equipment. And I don't know why part of the video is getting cut off, but I'm not a computer expert so just deal.

Here goes nothing...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Weigh-In Wednesday / Sorry This Post Is Boring

And now for another weekly installment of Tabitha's Weigh-In Wednesday.

Starting Weight: 189.2
Last Week's Weight: 186.0
Current Weight: 185.0
This Week's Loss: -1.0
Net Difference: -4.2

One pound is one pound more than can go to hell and terrorize someone else. I don't really have much dieting news except that I ate a chocolate covered donut this morning, and it was delicious. How's that for dieting?

Also? I'm pretty sure my stomach is rebelling against that donut right now so I might be having a TMI moment in the bathroom soon.

In unrelated news, I attempted a vlog last night after a glass of wine, and I was all over the place so I quit that shit pretty fast. Maybe I'll try another one if I have anything decent to talk about. What do other people do their vlogs on?

Sorry this post sucks balls, scroll down for something slightly more entertaining.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Making Friends Is the New Dating

My office is full of beautiful, 20-something women who are all friends. They have the same sense of humor as me, and they're the kind of girlfriends every girl needs.

Unfortunately, I suck at making friends about as much as I used to suck at dating. I get incredibly awkward around girls I want to be friends with. I make extremely lame jokes, say inappropriate things, and kick myself in the ass twenty minutes later when I'm sitting at my desk, thinking of a witty comment I should have made instead of the half-ass joke I came up with.

Like I've said before: Making friends is just like dating.

Friday at work, W said, "I'm so glad it's Friday! Some of us are going to Tiki Bar tonight after work if you want to come." Right when I was opening my mouth to say, "YES! I'D LOVE TO COME! BEMYBESTFRIENDFOREVERPLEASE," I noticed that she was looking at the woman next to me.

Um, hi? Can I be friends with you, too? I promise I'm really funny when I get in my element. Sometimes I even make really hilarious penis jokes.

After work on Friday, I was boo-hooing to Fiancee about it.

"We all get along so well at work. They even laugh at my jokes sometimes! And we text each other when we're not at work. I'm even laying down all the signs that I'm free on the weekends and want to be friends with them, but they're not picking up the signs! They hate me! CryCryCryCry."

(Seriously, people. I'm ridiculous. I wasn't this nervous trying to get Fiancee to be my boyfriend, for fuck's sake.)

Since the girls at work obviously suck balls at picking up my hey-i'm-free-be-my-friend signals, I decided to wait until I'd had a few drinks in me Friday night to send a friendly, totally not creepy, um, no it's not weird at all, stop judging me text message to W. It was a pretty simple, "Hey, I'm out drinking for the third time since I turned 21. You'd be proud!" rather than what I wanted to send which was something along the lines of, "Do you want to be my best friend? Check 'yes' or 'go ahead and cut yourself, bitch, because that shit ain't happening.'"

And you know what happened after that? FUCKING NOTHING. I didn't get a text message back at all.

Yeah, I bet you thought there would be a happy ending here where we all became best buds and hugged and had pillow fights and made out (like girls do). Well this is the real world fuckers. Stop being so damn hopeful!

PSYCHE! (Bringing back the 90s, baby!)

Okay, but really, there totally is a happy ending here.

This morning at work, we were all standing outside smoking and W said, "I'm having a little get-together at my house this weekend if you want to come," and then she looked directly at the girl next to me again. I was about to get ready to cry a few boo-hoo tears back at my desk when she looked at me and said, "If you want to come, too."

Little did she know, those six words, one comma, and one period had me bursting into happy tears in my heart. But of course I had to play it cool (duh) so I just said, "Yeah, that would be cool. I could probably cook something if I have time." And inside I was all, "OHMYGOD I can cook whatever you want! Casserole?! Dessert?! Fruits and vegetables?! A million dollars?! YAYAYAYAYAY!"

God, I'm such a fucking loser.

I'll probably have to write a post about how many times I embarassed myself this weekend. I'm betting 12, at the very least. Any takers?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Weigh-In Wednesday aka Fuck Yes, Imma Be Skinny

Here comes another installment of Weigh-In Wednesday hosted by Tabitha.

Last Week's Weight: 189.2
Current Weight: 186.0
This Week's Loss: -3.2

That's right, bitches. 3.2 pounds are GONE. I murdered those sumbitches. And I even ate Dominos, Chick-fil-a, and Raising Cane's last week. Weight Watchers is so, so good to me.

I've been wheezing my way through running for my workouts every day to train for a 5k at the end of May that I signed up for (I don't know why the fuck I did that.) And I've been taking my adorable new puppy with me on my runs so she can get some of that (annoying as fuck) adorable, cute puppy energy out of her system. What's that? You want me to show pictures of her like she's my newborn? Well, okay, if you insist.

Speaking of dogs...

Yesterday morning, the police were knocking on my door at 6:45 AM. And by knocking, I mean POUNDING. Fiancee went to answer the door, and I woke up to find him throwing clothes on like there was a fucking fire in the house and his plan was to leave me in bed to die.

Apparently, Fiancee's stupid pit bull got out of our backyard and was harassing our little old female neighbor who is in her SEVENTIES. When I went to see what was going on, Duke (the pit bull) was standing in front of her door, howling and snarling like he was going to rip her to pieces. The poor old woman had to call the police because she couldn't get to work since, you know, there was a CRAZY FUCKING DOG trapping her inside her house.

When Duke saw Fiancee walking towards him with his angry daddy face on, he cowered and shut the fuck up. (Finally!) And I may or may not have kicked him once or twice after he got inside. (Shit, PETA is going to find my site and blow me the fuck up now.) Stupid shit dog ruining my morning sleep.

On the way home from work, I stopped to pick up flowers to bring to our sweet neighbor to apologize, and she ended up keeping Fiancee and me over there talking for about an hour. It made me realize how lucky I am to have someone to talk to about my day. Someone who will cook dinner with me, laugh with me, and watch stupid TruTV with me every night.

I think we should go visit our neighbor more often.