Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Spin Classes Can Suck My You-Know-What

I imagine that hell is something like a never-ending spin class that you aren't allowed to leave.

I have only taken one spin class before, and it was a rinky dink one at my college before my night class started. It was pretty miserable, but I didn't die or anything.

But then.... then my gym decided to start a "studio" and have classes like BodyPump (ouchy arms), BodyAttack (you have got to be fucking kidding me if you think I have that much energy), and spin classes.

I decided to try the hour-long spin class last night and let me tell you.... I wanted to stab myself in the face the whole time. Or maybe stab my adorable, skinny, way-too-entergetic instructor in her perfectly toned buttocks.

For some reason, I chose the bike right in front of the instructor in a room the size of a jail cell. But smaller. So the whole time I'm spin cycling, I'm trying to avoid awkward eye contact with Ms. Has-to-be-on-crack-because-how-else-are-you-this-fucking-entergetic.

I had to do the "moderation" (aka lazy fatass way) for all the cycling because I'm ridiculously unfit apparently. And when they are doing the ridiculously hard shit, I am trying to sneakily lower my resistance to make it easier, but the damn instructor sees me and says "Don't touch that handle!" and I cry a little inside.

And I was going to leave in the middle, but it's kind of hard to sneak out of a room that is 4 feet by 4 feet so they would see me getting up to leave and say "Don't leave! You want to be fit, right?!" in voices that are way too hyper and I'm all "No! I don't want to be physically fit! I want to be skinny! Being anorexic would be way easier than this shit!" But I just climbed my ass back up on the bike and wheezed my way through the rest.

And did I mention how bad my ass hurts today? I woke up three times last night just so my ass could say, "Hey! I'm hurting! Why don't you wake up and join me for this?" I almost considered calling in to work this morning so I could stay home and ice my butt. Those banana seats are made for 8 years old, not 20 year old fatasses!

Damn happy instructors trying to make me fulfill a healthy lifestyle.


  1. I've never taken a spin class, and after this post, I don't see why I would. Sounds like a nightmare. And way too much work to get fit.

  2. Biking is something I actually don't mind...in moderation.

    Spin class is the 10th circle of hell.

    On a positive note: That banana seat could possibly make it harder to conceive children due to bruising of the vagina. Excuse me while I hit the gym...

  3. It's so much easier to just binge and purge. That's how I keep my girlish figure.

  4. I've only even spinned (span?) twice. And only a second time because I'd forgotten I'd done it before, I blocked it out I think.

    I used to work for the guy who invented spinning, and he was seriously hyperactive. Like, he NEEDED spinning to calm down. True story.